Advice needed - therapist says D is vulnerable & may be depressed

Parents Forum
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<p>Short story - D acting out of character - many temper tantrum like episodes, disorganized, lack of focus. Does have summer job and likes it very much and appears to be doing well there. </p>

<p>My doctor recommends I see a therapist so that I can "separate" from her as doctor thinks I am overinvolved. Call recommended therapist - therapist asks me to bring D. Therapist asks if D might be involved in drugs or drinking - I state no as her bank statements showing cash withdrawals are not unusual and she usually works evenings, coming straight home afterwards. After D starts crying therapist asks me to leave room.</p>

<p>At end of session I am recalled and with D am told by therapist there is something going on with D - but it is not dangerous or illegal. Therapist agrees I was correct in thinking something was going on with D. Therapist states D needs to "sort some things out."</p>

<p>D sees therapist two times per week for next two weeks. Therapist is now on vacation. Before leaving therapist states D is vulnerable and may be dealing with depression, but it is too short a timeframe for her to make a diagnosis. Says D is "trying to do better."</p>

<p>D leaves for college a week from tomorrow. D states she does not want to withdraw as she would "lose" the friends she has made and would have to start all over again next year. She stated it would be a repeat of first semester freshman year when she didn't have any friends.</p>

<p>Question - do I need to notify college of this - we don't have a real diagnosis yet. Since D is over 18 she is considered an adult. D refuses to see counseling staff at school saying they are a joke. Local therapist says she can do telephone sessions and/or correspond with her by e-mail. D really likes therapist. Therapist helped her sort through possible majors which really worried D. D says she got more help about majors than she ever did from her college advisor.</p>

<p>I can see some positive changes already - D much calmer and acting like old charming, affectionate self.</p>

<p>H is unconcerned - says everyone is vulnerable and somewhat depressed in their life at one point in time or another. Says D should go back to college if that is what she wants.</p>

<p>Any other parents experience a similar situation? My concern is what happens once she is away at college far from home on the east coast.</p>

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<p>Based upon what you''ve shared, I can't imagine that it alone is sufficient cause to pull the plug on the coming semester. The fact that the therapist's involvement is helping is a big plus. I doubt that your D is accurate in her assessment that the college counselors are a joke, but the counselors are there to help mediate impediments to academic success, not to provide a full range of therapy. I'd be inclined to continue the work with the therapist she knows. The therapist, BTW, is bound by professional ethics to maintain your daughter's confidentiality until and unless she becomes aware of an imminent and foreseeable danger. If she's maintaining confidentiality, you can assume that she's deteched no imminent and foreseeable danger.</p>

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<p>It sounds like you have done everything right so far, except that you don't seem to have fully grasped your doctor's concern that you are overinvolved. Of course your concern is well-placed -- but it looks like things are now being handled very well. Your adult daughter now has a therapist she likes and trusts; the therapist has reassured you that the issues are not illegal or life-threatening; there is a plan in place for continued telephone-based counseling when your daughter returns to college. So I think that you should just go with that plan -- and let the therapist take over the job of guiding your daughter to the right decisions, which she seems to be doing quite well thus far.</p>

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<p>I think you should let d go on to college as planned. She has the therapists number to call in case she needs to. She obviously has developed a good relationship with this therapist and it sounds like she would seek her out if she needed to. She needs to keep moving forward with her life and sounds like she is happy at school. Going off to college would probably be a good thing for her. I can understand your worry and concern...but I think it's best to keep it to yourself and let your d make her own decisions.</p>

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<p>WestCoastMom...if she has friends from college has she confided with them her issues? Do you know these friends and would you be able to get daughter to agree that one or more of those friends could have your home phone IF she gets into a 'bad place' emotionally during school? Might help if there was a third party who felt it was okay to call you if she starts spiraling down, but sounds as if she'd find a bit of normalcy by going back to school.</p>

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<p>Also, if it is not drugs or alcohol causing the problems, could it possibly be a sexual identity crisis sort of a thing (often reality comes crashing in at that age) and kids feel like they can't tell mom or dad.</p>

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<p>Depression is a disease just like any other. It doesn't have to have a cause. It is good that your daughter is getting treatment and that you're already seeing improvements. If she has a good rapport with her current therapist and can continue seeing her via phone while at school I see no real cause for extreme worry.</p>

<p>Your daughter has not been abusing drugs or alcohol or being promiscuous. She has not threatened to harm herself or others.</p>

<p>You might want to keep an ear to the ground in case your daughter doesn't handle the transistion to college well. Warning signs would include any of the above behaviors (with the disclaimer that kids in college do drink, it is excessive drinking that interferes with schoolwork or other responsibilities that would be worrisome).</p>

<p>She could very well go to college and be fine, especially because the diagnosis isn't final. Plenty of kids have minor crises between high school and college, it can be normal.</p>

<p>You've already done the important thing: you made sure that she got help. If in the future she needs more help (extra therapy, medication, etc) then I am sure you will take care of that as well. But you could also back off a little and let her breathe. Just listen to her. Maybe she's nervous about college or afraid (gasp) to live away from her parents.</p>

<p>If you any specific questions about depression and treatment for high school/college age girls please feel free to PM me.</p>

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<p>Encourage her to stay in touch with this therapist if she likes her. If she's feeling like going back to school is the best thing, then let her go.</p>

<p>Hugs and best wishes.</p>

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<p>I have been somewhat in your seat and it isn't fun. (My D will be home for the fall semester recovering from a bad first year at college, suffering from depression.) I echo lafalum's hugs and best wishes. </p>

<p>One other thought: some schools shools have a date (a week or so after the start of the school year) when you can cancel out without loosing the tuition/housing money. This, of course, sounds totally crash and materialistic, but preserving limited college funds for a child suffering from mental health problems actually is an act of parental kindness and love. </p>

<p>If you get a sense that the problems are worse that you thought, there may be a later date to reconsider.</p>

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<p>Not all depression is serious..many, many people manage to muddle through a moderate depression without any treatment. </p>

<p>I would not overreact--I'd send her off with the therapist's phone number and email address. If SHE were expressing reservations about going back I'd give different advice, but this really sounds manageable. </p>

<p>And I would NOT tell the school. She's an adult--she should deal with managing her health care and communicating with the school.</p>

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<p>As far as telling the school, you'll only get your daughter in trouble or have health services knocking on her door, both of which will upset her.</p>

<p>Schools have asked kids to leave because of mental health problems.</p>

<p>It's not worth it to open that can of worms before there is even really a problem.</p>

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<p>Any other parents experience a similar situation? My concern is what happens once she is away at college far from home on the east coast.<<</p>

<p>Why not find a private therapist for her where her college is?</p>

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<p>Let her go to college if that is her preference. Stay in close touch by phone. Maybe cheaper than a private therapist would be to fly out after four or five weeks for one or two nights and get a direct sense of how she is doing-take her out to dinner have a quiet chat at your hotel--if all seems well she can probably make it through to Thanksgiving when you can reasess again by having her come home.</p>

<p>That's what I would do if I could afford the additional expense. Give her the confidence that she can handle it but give yourself and her the reassurance that you are there for her and caring. On the other hand, if her relationship with you is part of what she needs to sort out and if she does need more "distance" this plan would be less appropriate.</p>

<p>Personally, I feel that less independent children should be given space to grow and develop but that they are not harmed by a sense of closeness and reassurance.</p>

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<p>OP, Several things strike me. I do not know why current T could not make diagnosis of depression after minimum of 5 sessions. If your D is experiencing a clinical depression (change in sleep habits, eating habits, suicidal thoughts, difficulty concentrating, etc), she could be evaluated for meds immediately. It takes time to find an appropriate drug and dosage.</p>

<p>If the depression is mild, then contact with current T may be sufficient. Otherwise, I'd get a release of info form signed and have D & T make contact with college's counseling center. I doubt those therapists "are a joke". If they are students, and D wants someone with more experience, then there is time to locate a local T. The current T could help to bridge the transferral. College counseling centers have a list of providers that they could recommend and are covered by health insurance.</p>

<p>It does sound like your D made some friends her freshman year, and she does want to return. I'd do whatever I could to enable her. This means encouraging her to find a local T that she can relate to. My best to you.</p>

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<p>We need to focus on the positives here, she wants to go to school, she is feeling better, she is talking willingly to someone, she is able to work and do her job</p>

<p>I don't get this sudden leap to her not going back to school? </p>

<p>Yes there are cases of serious depression that need action, but there are other cases of the blues....</p>

<p>To the OP, why the suggestion she not go back? where did that come from? If D is functioning pretty well, I don't understand that wanting to give up school, was that your suggestion? </p>

<p>Do you think that hanging around with little to do but work and talking to someone a few hours a week would do your D any good?</p>

<p>Dropping and withrdrawing from school is a huge decission, and seems we take it far to lightly for some kids...</p>

<p>Sometimes a person just needs to move past a rough patch, and they don't need to quit their life to do that</p>

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<p>ANd I agree, if D has really serious mental health issues, the therapist would have or should have seen it, at this point talking to someone is a good thing and seems to be working, why even consider at this point quitting></p>

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<p>A few thoughts. Depression is usually not difficult to diagnose early on in treatment, although there may be the occasional exception. It isn't clear to me how long your daughter has seen the therapist. It sounds like two weeks but I wasn't clear if there were two weeks left or if it's been two weeks. If the therapy is new, I would recommend finding a therapist in the city where she is living. Your daughter's comment about the school counselors being "a joke" may, sadly, not be that far off the mark. I've heard a lot of stories of less-than-great care at college mental health centers and I've known other mental health professionals who have as well. That isn't to say that there aren't great counselors in some centers, but it can be hit or miss. If it's possible to get a private therapist, that would be preferable. However, your daughter may feel attached to this therapist and be unwilling to see someone else, in which case it is a non-issue as she is 18. It does sound like she really likes the therapist which is a big plus. She has made it clear she won't see a school counselor -- for some kids it may be the fear of running into people as they walk into the center, etc. She may also be unwilling to see anyone in her college town, in which case it's best to support a continuation of therapy with this therapist. But face to face therapy is better than telephone and/or e-mail therapy and phone therapy is usually more productive when there is already a well established relationship. However, phone therapy with a therapist your kid likes is far better than no therapy at all. I'm not sure what you would tell the school. As you say, there is no diagnosis and you have little information -- there is really nothing to tell. Also, as someone else posted, she seems to be doing better, she wants to go back (usually a severely depressed kid would have ambivalent feelings about going back or be unable to muster the necessary energy or enthusiasm), she seems excited about her major, etc. -- all of these are very good signs. She is looking forward to seeing her friends -- another good sign. I think you should let her and the therapist decide on the best course of action. If the therapist realizes that a long distance relationship isn't working or that your daughter needs more, she can help her to find someone at school. It is entirely possible that this is a short-term problem that is situational in nature and that the sessions she is having now will help her to resolve whatever has been bothering her.</p>

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<p>Westcoastmom,</p>

<p>I hope things are beginning to sort themselves out for you and D with regards to how she is feeling and your comfort level in her returning to school.</p>

<p>Having several people in on both sides of family who have and are dealing with depression ( some as young adults) several things come to mind:</p>

<p>-D mentioned something about how this semester could be a replay of fall semester last year when she had no friends. Even when kids have made friends over time and then have spent a summer away-they will often feel insecure about stability of friendships and ability to form new friendships.</p>

<p>-Being away from a "new environment" like your freshman year of college- where you had to adjust, gain confidence, etc, problem solve as independent young adult- then going back again- brings heightened anxiety and with it, some depression risks. * Just now on Today show, editor from Newsweek says number one mental health problem of college students is depression.</p>

<p>I agree with one post who suggest T could help D locate a private therapist in college location. If current or future T determine D would benefit from treatment with antidepressant medication or ongoing counseling, a support system would already be in place.</p>

<p>Finally, like everyone else- hugs and warm wishes to you and D- she is lucky to have a mom who listened and found help for her. Depression can be frightening, but it is an illness which can be treated. You are not alone and perhaps letting her know she is not alone in dealing with these issues may provide a small measure of comfort.</p>

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<p>Dear all - thanks to everyone who responded. All of you gave me some great advice which I really needed.</p>

<p>D has plane reservations to fly to college on Saturday with her Dad. She did hit it off with the therapist and plans to call and/or e-mail her. She has always been good about checking in with us once a week while at school. She will have a roommate that she has more in common with and more important, they picked each other. Also important to my D is that her dorm room is more centrally located to campus life. </p>

<p>She has a close knit group of friends from high school as well as middle school. She has made some good friends at college and is involved in several activities that she likes. </p>

<p>A private off campus therapist is a great idea, but she lacks transportation as she does not have a car on campus. We've talked about taking taxis, but several taxi drivers have overcharged her and she doesn't feel comfortable taking taxis. </p>

<p>College was not exactly what she expected. She didn't realize there were so many requirements and she thought she would find subjects and teachers that she loved. Instead she found many classes tedious and uninteresting. She did change two of her classes as a result of one of her therapy sessions.</p>

<p>I plan to pay close and careful attention to all of your advice and sincerely thank all of you who took the time to respond.</p>

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<p>"A private off campus therapist is a great idea, but she lacks transportation as she does not have a car on campus. We've talked about taking taxis, but several taxi drivers have overcharged her and she doesn't feel comfortable taking taxis."</p>

<p>At my D's school, the students posted on-line when they needed or offered rides. Most of the time the posters were needful of rides, but occasionally there'd be one who offered rides on a regular basis to airports, and so on. I got the idea that these were informal ways of students generating college jobs for themselves.</p>

<p>Right now you could read the college ride-board with your D and see if there's anyone who sounds like "taxi" is her informal college job. If so, try that person out and if it's good the first appointment, make a regular plan. You could pay the taxi person directly, or better yet, put funds into D's account to cover the regular transportation cost.</p>

<p>We found the students much more reasonable than area taxis! Most were upperclassmen, so had that much more driving experience than freshmen. They're not bonded like a taxi, however, so ask them about their insurances at least.</p>

<p>An underexplored way of transporting around a campus is the greyhound bus or regional public bus service. If she has one particular address, she can learn the route from campus to that address and handle it with public transpo, if you're lucky. It's time consuming but a good time for reading course material.</p>

<p>Finally, for taxis: she can call the taxi company ahead-of-time to determine the fare, and then hold the cab driver to it. Perhaps it would be good for her to learn that kind of self-protective assertive life skill. She shouldn't get overcharged, and won't if she has the quoted fare in her mind. </p>

<p>Why did she think she was overcharged, anyway? Worth exploring. If another kid went at a different time, they might have been in a group taxi so split the cost and paid less than an individual would have to pay. Then she might think she was overcharged.</p>

<p>Why did she feel uncomfortable taking taxis? DIdn't know whether to talk or keep silent; sometimes it's strange when you're used to mom-taxi. </p>

<p>These are actually topics to raise with the current therapist, since they relate to her care while at college, to explore these inhibitions to get into a taxi for her own medical care. It shouldn't be an obstacle. </p>

<p>Encourage her independence to get herself to any medical care she needs by learning the ropes re: transportation.</p>