Hi! I know this is a parents forum but I was hoping to get some wise advice. I talked to my parents but I wanted to hear what others would have to say. Last year as a freshman I participated in fraternity rush and ended up pledging and getting initiated into one of the largest chapters on campus. It’s been a blast and I’ve met my best friends in it. But the only thing is I’ve get teased a lot by the brothers. In fact it happens kind of daily and it feels I get treated like a kid and no one listens to me. The teasing and being the butt of jokes was funny at first but now it’s nearly constant and doesn’t feel that great. I tried explaining how I felt but it made it worse and everyone who didn’t tease me now has gotten on board. It’s gotten to the point where idk what to do. They all think it just for fun and I shouldn’t take it too seriously. I like all the guys and we always hang out but it’s just too much now. I’m a nice guy and I’m not like a lot of the brothers in the house as I don’t really fit the whole “frat” stereotype they all fulfill. What should I do? Being calm and explaining my feelings hasn’t exactly worked.
I’d find another group of friends since these guys don’t seem to value you as a person.
It’s fine to quit. If the people doing the teasing are upperclassmen, maybe you can wait it out until they leave.
I was in a fraternity my freshman year and had mixed feelings about it. I ended up transferring to a new school so left the fraternity, although the frat wasn’t the reason I transferred. Never missed it.
I would say quit. There’s no reason to put up with this kind of treatment if you don’t like it.
BUT, there’s a catch. If you’re living in the fraternity – or if you’ve made a commitment to live there next year – will you have other living options if you quit? You may want to talk to the housing office to see whether you can get a space in a dorm or how easy/difficult it is to find off-campus housing before making your decision. You don’t want to have to drop out of college because you can’t find a place to live.
I live out currently but was planning on living in next year. The thing is I don’t really wanna quit cause sans teasing everything is great and I like all the social events. I just wanna solve that issue.
If you don’t want to quit, you can ignore or leave when it starts. You’ll be an older brother soon.
I think that you need to find a different group of friends. Being part of a fraternity should be an enjoyable experience and what you’re describing borders on bullying. Being the butt of everybody’s jokes isn’t cool. Maybe it was funny-haha at first, but now that everybody else in the fraternity is jumping on the bandwagon of teasing you it’s turned into a very unpleasant thing.
You have to pay monthly or semester frat dues, I assume. So you’re basically paying for people to mock you, make fun of you, tease you, and bully you.
Sure, the social events probably ARE pretty darn fun. Those events make it pretty easy to meet pretty girls and have a good time. 
But is that really worth it if you have to be the butt of everyone’s jokes for the rest of your time in that frat? No.
You can meet cute girls and do all that stuff in other ways without having to pay for a bunch of buttholes to make fun of you all the time. People like you’re describing are NOT your friends. A true friend would respect the boundaries that you’ve already communicated to them. A real friend would apologize and say, “Oh, sorry, man!” and then follow up by NOT doing it again.
If you just get the “Sorry, man!” from them but no follow through with a change of behavior/actions, then what you have is an empty apology.
When somebody shows you who the sort of person they are, you should believe them. Those frat brothers who tease you have demonstrated to you many times now that they are not necessarily the good guys you thought they were. And what’s more…other guys in the frat are jumping on board because they want to be in the cool kids’ club, too. And they’re also jumping on the bullying bandwagon because nobody is doing anything about it.
Don’t waste your time with them anymore. Quit the frat. Don’t live in the frat house next year. Live elsewhere. Get involved next semester in some other clubs and activities on campus. Expand the offerings on your social calendar. It might be really good for you.
I agree with @tucsonmom. It sounds like the cons of the frat are now outweighing the pros. I imagine it must be distracting for you to deal with this drama when you also have to focus on classes. Definitely don’t move in next year. I can’t imagine living with the chipping away of your self esteem constantly. @simba9 has a good point that if they are upperclassmen they may be moving out. Or, it could be that the frat is filled with really immature guys.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I’m gonna think a lot about this over winter break. @stardustmom a good portion of it does come from the fourth years in the house and they were all actives already when I was a first year pledge last year.
Whatever you do, do not live in that house next year unless there is total improvement for at least the first full month of school next semester. Start thinking of a back up plan. How about your current roommate? Can you room with him?
Who did you explain your feelings to? If you’ve explained how you felt and it’s only gotten worse, it sounds like you may not have explained to the right guys and/or at the right time. Or, these may all be more superficial relationships than you’d like to believe. That may be tough to face, but it’s worth considering whether there’s some truth to it and you’ve blocked it out because you didn’t want to believe it.
My advice is to find one or two guys in the house you feel the closest to, have a heart to heart, and see if they can make some headway with them. If so, maybe they can get through to the other members. True friends will respect your feelings and stand up for you when they see others who don’t.
If that doesn’t work, find your people outside the house. They’re there. They may just not be in your fraternity, and that’s OK. My best friend in college was in one of the top houses on campus. I got to know many of the members over the years and they were nice enough and fun to be around, but sometimes you need more depth and end up realizing there just isn’t much there. He enjoyed the social aspects and even lived in the house as an upperclassman, but we were off doing our own thing most of the time.
You don’t have to quit, or at least make a decision on that now. You’re not a pledge anymore and you’re not going to get kicked out for not spending as much time there, and things may change for the better as some graduate and new people come in. Perhaps you can be a voice for change when that happens. In the meantime, you may find yourself happier if you’re not as invested and have a few more things going on outside the house.
Best of luck.
@10s4life Really they just sound like normal bullies. They are bothering you now BECAUSE you made a fuss about it. If they thought it didn’t bother you, they would not do it. But now it has become a sport to tease you so stop making it fun for them. Ignore them or leave when it starts. The more of an issue you make it. The bigger the problem it will be. I would not have a heart to heart. They know they are bothering you and don’t care.
@naviance I’m rooming in the dorms with one of the brothers in the house. He thinks I’m overreacting and it’ll die down eventually. There’s some guys who have said they felt bad but that was all done on the side.
@1Dreamer I explained it mostly to guys I hang out with the most and people in my pledge class but since it’s all “minor” teasing done a lot no one seems to think it’s a big issue. I appreciate your advice to not just quit as I have put in a lot of time already. Sometimes I do wonder what if I had joined a lower house, they all seem to not have the superficial issues the upper ones do but it’s too late now.
@gearmom I see what you’re saying but I think I wanna give the private conversation a go again just cause it’s gonna be really hard to walk away from all this.
I think you need to make it clear you are going to quit over this, and do that before you move in. I don’t think it’s safe to assume that the hazing will get better once you are in proximity to them, living there. I don’t think it’s safe to assume that when idiots A B and C leave, someone else won’t take their place. A dynamic has been established and you don’t have any control over that. If you ignore them, they may well knock it off. Or, they may escalate.
So I would tell them what you’ve told us — you have had enough, and are consdering quitting rather than continuing. If they are unwilling to police their own behavior, you have to choose.
I left my sorority, and no, it isn’t a lot of fun to find out people who represented themselves as your friends were not. But truth is important. You are currently in something of an abusive relationship, and magical thinking or bargaining may not change it. It is not normal or okay to continue to pick on people who have made it clear they want it to stop. Because you are in a frat does not make it okay. No means no. Stop means stop.
These guys are not your friends. As long as you have real friends elsewhere on campus, it’s okay to keep hanging out with these guys, but you’re going to have to change one thing: your approach. The ONLY thing that will work is teasing them right back.
^Yes. You have to hit back twice as hard. That is the way to deal with bullying. The heart to heart talk will just make you look vulnerable and weak. You’re not vulnerable and weak. Stop acting like it.
@gearmom @Massmomm Oh gosh, I’m not that good at teasing. I also missed out on making dorm friends last year and this year since I spent most of my free time in Greek related events.
Question. How are your pledge brothers?
But really make sure you’re not over reacting. Back in my day we busted everyone’s b’s. it was equal opportunity on everyone. Nobody was safe and we all had a blast and way too much fun.
Wow, tough crowd. Bully them back? Twice as hard? Really? That doesn’t seem like the mature, adult thing to do. That sounds like he’d be lowering himself to their level. I vote nay on that. Even if it did work, that’s not how I want to live my life and treat others.
That said, there is no universal right answer to this. We’re giving opinions based on our own life experiences of what’s worked and what hasn’t for us and/or others we know, but it really depends on the personalities he’s dealing with, and only he knows that. He’ll have to use his gut instinct based on that firsthand knowledge and figure out what the best approach is for him.
OP, you go to a large university in a major city with tons of things to do all around you. The world is your oyster. 
It sounds like you’ve invested most of your social time and effort into the house, but I’m sure there are people outside the house that you’d bond with. It’s not too late. You just need to put in some effort like everyone else who doesn’t go Greek.
I still don’t think you need to completely walk away from the fraternity (unless you want to). As you said, you’ve invested a lot into it, and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You’re an active now, so you don’t need to spend a lot of time there or invest in people who don’t respect you, but you can still enjoy certain aspects if and when you feel like it, and I do think it will get better. I still think it would be healthier not to be so heavily invested there, though.
Hang in there. It’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to, you’ll learn from it, and you’ll be OK. I promise.
If you do decide to stay with the frat, consider not living in the house next year. And participate in something that would require you to socialize with people who are not all in the Greek system.