I agree with @Trisherella . If you have to ask, then you shouldn’t stay.
I’d be interested in knowing about your background. What was/is your family life like? What were your friendships in high school and middle school like? Anyone in your family a substance abuser?
@Trisherella @brantly Without going in too much detail, when I meant I wasn’t like the other brothers I meant I’m just a nice guy and compared to them, kind of soft. Like if I see someone getting mistreated I’ll feel bad and try and find a way to stop it. But we all have common interests and likes. For my background: No one in my family abuses substances, came from an upper middle class Home, always had lots of friends growing up. Never been picked on in any way until now.
My guess about @10s4life ‘s background is that he was probably brought up to be VERY polite and well-mannered. Which doesn’t help in the current situation, but will take you far in life in general.
I love that you want to change the culture in your fraternity for the new kids coming up! If Greek life had more kids like you, it would not have such a bad reputation!
Ask yourself a basic question: who do you want to hang out with (and why)? If these kids aren’t who you naturally want to spend a lot of time with, quit. There are other frats you could consider and you could consider not being in a frat. There will most likely be individuals at the frat who you wouldn’t want to hang out with (if the frat didn’t exist). If that’s a very small number, great. if that’s a larger number, then why would you want to subject yourself to spending a lot of time with people you don’t really like. One way or the other, use your judgement and spend time with your right group (with or without a frat).
"when I meant I wasn’t like the other brothers I meant I’m just a nice guy and compared to them, kind of soft. Like if I see someone getting mistreated I’ll feel bad and try and find a way to stop "
So, you feel like this is a BAD thing, being so soft that you have empathy? and the backbone to stand up for other people? Wow.
^^ He never said that having empathy was a bad trait. In fact, OP said that he hoped to change the culture at the frat, probably by instilling more empathy. OP obviously find much to like about his frat experience. Instead of picking on him for toughing it out, perhaps you should support his decision to work through the situation and try to change the culture.
“Never been picked on in any way until now.”
This may be a factor. Most kids get picked on in middle or high school and learn how to deal with teasing earlier. I would do a pro-con chart to weigh your decision. It looks like the older brothers are the problem that will go when they do. But, you always have the power to leave if things don’t improve. I would also suggest you consider a leadership position within the frat next year.
@rickle1 Since I’m initiated I cannot join another fraternity. That ship sails after pledging ends. I also wouldn’t want to join another house.
@greenbutton I didn’t mean it was a bad thing just different. @stardustmom understood what I meant.
@tutumom2001 Yeah I guess if it happened to me growing up I’d be tougher about it. Leadership positions are hard to come by as a lot of people want one. I’m not a fan of elections really.
Update so far is things got a little better. I’m on break still but some have reached out mentioning they felt bad. That’s a step in the right direction.
@10s4life I hope you are still keeping up. I was in a fraternity and it is the nature of the beast that members make fun of one another. Sometimes they identify a weak spot and just poke and poke on it. I would say to you that you need to roll with the punches and learn to make fun of yourself.
You mentioned that you were not “frat” in some ways. Making fun of people can be a way of enforcing group norms, which are very important. There is a dress code to the world of frat life, and one should always comply with dress codes wherever they may be.
I got made fun of for things. I’m very much cock-eyed and you learn to live with being poked fun of a little bit. A fraternity brother was also slightly cock-eyed in a different eye, and he looked enough like me that we were frequently confused with each other by people on campus. My fraternity brothers had a lot of fun with that.
What I would say to you is first, conform to norms to the extent possible. Second, learn to laugh at yourself. Third, give it back a little. You’ve stated that you enjoy being in the fraternity after all is said and done so enjoy it.
@EarlVanDorn thanks for your reply. Haha dressing and conforming to “look” Norms of Greek life aren’t a problem, at least I’ve got that and working out covered. I’m not “frat” in the sense of my personality; I’m not in other words, “mean”. Yeah I’ve learned to laugh along and after being on break I’ve gotten a better perspective on it. Looking forward there’s no way I’ll quit. There’s so many people that got cut during rush and wanted a bid from our house that it would be a waste for me to throw it away when I’ve been lucky enough to make it through both rush and the pledge Sure there’s some bumps along the way but I’m lucky to be a part of it.
@EarlVanDorn thanks for your reply. Haha dressing and conforming to “look” Norms of Greek life aren’t a problem. I’m not “frat” in the sense of my personality; I’m not a douche. Yeah I’ve learned to laugh along and after being on break I’ve gotten a better perspective on it. Looking forward there’s no way I’ll quit. There’s so many people that got cut during rush and wanted a bid from our house that it would be a waste for me to throw it away when I’ve been lucky enough to make it through both rush and the pledge Sure there’s some bumps along the way but I’m lucky to be a part of it.
There are options besides explaining your hurt feelings and bullying right back. Like: “Shut up, I’m sick of hearing your crap.” That’s a boundary, not bullying.
We can’t know what will work in your case, but there is a lot of middle ground between the extremes.
@Hanna A perfect response. The key is to be ready with a response.
It’s not teasing. It’s male bonding.
Whenever you get a bunch of guys together, there’s a good chance they’ll start trash-talking each other. It’s usually good-natured, and it’s expected that anyone on the receiving end of trash talk will trash talk right back.
If one of them isn’t okay with it, it’s not “bonding.”
That’s also a very dim view of men…would you tell women to put up with friends gossiping about them behind their backs because that’s ~just what women do when they get together~?
The key phrase here is “each other.” In the OP’s situation, it’s not a two-way street.
^It should be a two way street. It would not have gotten out of control if it was.
IMHO it’s counter productive to talk back. And not something I personally like doing.
I know this sounds overly basic but… college is supposed to be fun (and certainly a lot of hard work). Frats are supposed to be fun. If you’re not having fun in your frat, then quit. What’s the point? See how long you can endure the ribbing? Why? Go find other friends and have fun.
When you take Econ 1 you will learn the concept of “sunk costs” 