My daughter is taking a leave from school due to an exacerbation of her ADHD and anxiety. She arrives home December 22, and I’m dreading it. This past summer was not great (her first summer home after being away at college for a year)-despite our having a curfew, she rarely met it and kept coming home at all hours of the night and waking us. She worked part-time, enough to pay for her Uber rides but routinely slept in as her job was in the afternoon. We also found pot in her bedroom (legal in CA but not for 18-year-olds).
What I want from her semester or year off is for her to learn to wake herself up in the morning-this has been a huge problem at college as she often sleeps through her alarm and classes-to get a full time job and pay for her own cell phone, Uber rides, etc., In other words, I want her to grow up a little and not spend the year off doing what she did this summer.
I am thinking of typing up a document detailing what we expect: being home in time for curfew, no pot in the house, paying for her own cell phone, etc. I know she will agree to it readily but when the time comes, she always has an excuse for why she didn’t make curfew or why she ran out of money so quickly or why there was pot in her room (“it’s not mine!”). So, what should we do? Make it three strikes and you’re out? Do I just focus on the big things and ignore the myriad other things that drive me crazy, like her messy room, the fact that she seems incapable of putting a dish in the dishwasher and never hangs up her wet towels?
Someone suggested AmeriCorps to us, which sounds great, but we found out about it after the Nov 15 deadline to start in spring…
If I were you, I would talk to the appropriate people at Brown. I don’t think you’ll find anyone here with
the exact situation at the same school. Be on the safe side and reach out to those who will have the answers you are looking for.
Taking a leave is considered a complete withdrawal – she’s basically taking a semester off which is the same thing.
Needs to be medically verified though. Call the carrier that sold you the policy and confirm it’s covered.
I agree that you need to call the carrier and find out: 1) exactly what “complete withdrawal” means and 2) what if any documentation/doctors reports would be necessary to insure you can collect on the policy.
I’d also call Brown’s Registrar and find out their policy about taking a leave. FWIW I know someone who had to take a health related leave from Brown a few years ago and they were very accommodating.
Of course taking care of your D and her mental health is first and foremost. Wishing you and your D all the best.
At another Ivy, that means a leave of absence/withdrawal with reentry conditions such as full time job or other proof of health sufficient to return. There is an interview with an MD as well, to get back in. In practice these conditions were not as rigorous as we thought initially. This was for a medical issue, not mental health, so tuition refund insurance was on board, but one of my other kids got refund for mental health with proper documentation.
Definitely check.
I will need to pm you, but we have done this, and for the same reasons. Every case is going to be different, but you need to come to a place of peace with this : you have limited powers, so choose the battles. One of the hallmarks of adults with ADHD is a near-complete inability to follow through on the best of intentions. You may find it more useful to reframe “grow up a little” as “acquire self-care skills”.
I’ve no experience with pot or staying out. If she has a job, and is showing up for it, you may not win the curfew. Signing an agreement is meaningless and will only frustrate you when she fails. Try to find ways to set her up to succeed.
Whose idea was it to come home? How are her grades? Is there a boyfriend/girlfriend and/or a history of boundary problems? Did she always have a curfew? Whose car is she using?
More later. Gotta go make dinner and typing on a tiny keyboard is nuts 
Well, I’d certainly clarify going forward that you don’t care who pot or other drugs belong to, and she can’t have them in her home. I think the problem is consequences – if she breaks an agreement, what will you do? Don’t threaten or set consequences you aren’t prepared to enforce, and make sure your spouse is on the same page. Taking away phone or car privileges might be things to consider. But would you ask her to move out? Reduce or eliminate your willingness to pay for college?
I think you both need to be clear on what is to be accomplished in the gap year, and what plan B (and maybe C) is if she doesn’t get to that point.
Did you send her back to school in the fall with any expectations of progress toward a degree?
Will she earn any credit for this semester?
Are you and your husband on the same page for any expectations going forward? Were you and your husband on the same page for her returning to school in the fall?
Partial cross-post with @intparent
@MaterS She passed three classes this semester (although one of those was dance-and not the theory of dance, just an actual dance class). She is supposed to take four classes a semester and the most she’s had in any one semester is three, so she isn’t making the progress we want to see, especially given that we are full pay and extra time in school equals extra money. My husband and I were on the same page about letting her go back for this semester, partly (to be honest) because it was the path of least resistance–she wanted very badly to return–but also we were very hopeful about the new ADHD coach we had found to work with my daughter. The coach was great, but my daughter frequently missed sessions, didn’t do what the coach told her to do, etc.
@intparent my husband has already told my daughter that she will have to take out loans for the next semester she is in school because she did not follow through with our agreement about taking and passing four classes Fall semester. As for consequences-we are not very good at them, but taking the phone away for a time would probably be very effective as she is always on it.
Not meant as a full reply, but just two observations:
First, a lot of entry-level jobs do drug tests. Like grocery cashier. She may have to keep off the pot to keep employed, and that may motivate her to do so.
Second, I think it’s condescending to have a curfew for an adult (though she’s your child). Would it be more reasonable to ask her to let you know when she plans to be home, and call/text you if she’s not going to be? That approach has worked better with my young adult DS; more compliance, less resentment. Of course every family is different.
I actually agree about the curfew. My daughters are asked to keep me informed of where they are and when they will be home for safety reasons. I don’t try to dictate to them, and haven’t since they went to college.
" Would it be more reasonable to ask her to let you know when she plans to be home, and call/text you if she’s not going to be? That approach has worked better with my young adult DS; more compliance, less resentment. Of course every family is different."
I agree with this. If she isn’t going to be home by XX time, she should phone or text with her updated plans. Couch it in a way she knows that you need to sleep without waiting to hear the garage door.
" Is there a boyfriend/girlfriend and/or a history of boundary problems?"
@greenbutton Could you give more color on what you mean by this?
@jollymama good point about potential drug tests. I will talk to her about that.
As for curfew, she has sleep issues that I hope she can work on during her time off because it will be pointless to send her back to school until the sleep issues are resolved. Staying out until 2 or 3 isn’t going to help and she’ll end up sleeping in until noon or later the next day. But maybe she should figure that out on her own?
Even if you drop the idea of a set curfew, she should be able to enter the house without waking you up.
Is she going to be going back to the part-time job she held over the summer? What are your expectations about her job? Will she be financially responsible for costs other than her phone and Uber? Based on that, she may need a a job that starts earlier in the day in order to work enough hours even if she’s not working 40 hours a week. If there’s an external need to be up earlier, maybe you won’t have to be the “bad guy” telling her when to go to sleep and when to wake up.
I have an ADHD kid who is also on the spectrum and the sleep issues have been rough. I hope you find a system that works for her and your family while she’s home!
@greenbutton she’s never had a boy/girl friend and her grades are ok (Bs) but it’s the number of classes she’s taking that is concerning us. She’s always had a curfew and she doesn’t drive so she takes Uber.
@Emsmom1 , I know I’m speaking from the perspective of the parent of a typical kid with no ADHD, so I should not presume to advise you. You know what works for your fam!
We have different issues here, but the sleeping in thing is one we have in common. I know many late teens/young adults stay up late because their body clocks just work that way. It’s biological. But I don’t think it’s a health requirement that they do this. I think you can retrain yourself to get on a waking daylight schedule. So when my son is home (he’s a junior with Asperger’s, anxiety and depression), I make sure he has appointments in the mornings on weekdays so that he has to get up at a reasonable time. And I make no effort to be quiet after 9 a.m. or so.
He has the month of January off, so if his late nights become an issue (in his case, he’s on the computer playing games), we’ll just shut down the networks at midnight or so.
Our reasons for valuing wakefulness during daylight aren’t about control but about mental health. A lot of research points to daylight exposure to reduce anxiety and depression, and here in Maine, the sun sets very early in the winter, so if you want daylight, you’ve got to be up early.
I would think some college students, given the set of cards they’ve been dealt - adhd, mental health, physical health problems - are going to need a modified college schedule. Attending with a lesser load than full time might be the best workable option. It might not be affordable for your family at the college. Maybe at one where you can pay by credit hour.
Okay, you can take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I have two 20yo DDs so I do have some experience.
If you expect your DD to act like an adult, it’s time to treat her like one. I would write up a “rental lease.” She pays you an agreed amount (it can be nominal and you could save it for her for the future if you want.) Her expenses and cell phone should be hers to handle. Taking her cell phone in response to bad behavior isn’t something an adult does to another adult. Refusing to pay for the cell phone of an adult who is not respectfully living in your home is a natural consequence. I would also not have a curfew, but I would remind her that living in your home is contingent upon acting as a respectful housemate. If she’s not willing to respect the house rules, then she is certainly able to go find affordable housing elsewhere. If you normally allow her to use your vehicles or pay her insurance that that ends with any evidence of pot or alcohol use as adults don’t put other adults (who do nice things like provide them with transportation) at risk.
If you consider the amount needed for loan repayment, rent, cell phone and personal spending, she is going to need to hustle to find a good job or multiple smaller jobs to meet those expenses. That should keep her busy enough to be out of trouble.
If you read other threads involving struggle, the key to success if often a reduced schedule. ADHD students in college tend to collapse under the weight of the organizational challenges , and then just give up — so I don’t see taking three courses as a bad thing except for money, of course — I had asked about a significant other just wondering if that’s part of the staying out.
If you want her to pay for things outside of school, that’s a simpler issue. Say " We think as an adult, you ought to pay for your own phone. So at the end of this billing, I’ll remove you from our phone plan. " And that’s that. You have to differentiate between things you can control and the things you can’t.
Virtually no 20-somethings get up at a decent hour. If the real goal is getting her to get up, she needs a job that starts in the morning. And she needs bills to pay, so she values getting up. Again, ADHD students often have sleep issues, non-standard body clocks, and insomnia. You’ll have to help her find more full-time work.
I would have given anything for the progress your daughter has made, by the way. I think check-ins and curfews are doomed to a lot of failure, and are simply not worth the trouble. You are within your rights to want to not worry – but OP sounds more annoyed about the sleeping in than worried. But as suggested, you can say if she wants to live here, she has to be in by 1am. She’ll fail, then recommit, then fail, promise, fail. You’ll give her chances, not really want to throw her out over this, try some more, give up. You will all feel like failures. When she goes out, just ask her to text, but if she doesn’t, don’t issue ultimatums.
I would make a financial plan for the three of you to make school work, and a re-entry plan for how the gap will get her back to school. Stick together, and be her team. Remember, she isn’t having the life she imagined either, and is perhaps overwhelmed and sorry to have disappointed you. Be in this together, move her forward together, but give her some room and some autonomy where you can.