Advice on daughter's semester (or year) leave from school

Parent Cafe
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“Remember, she isn’t having the life she imagined either, and is perhaps overwhelmed and sorry to have disappointed you”

Good point. I bet it is true even if not articulated. Flagging self-esteem surely won’t help her deal with her ADHD and anxiety. So, if it was me, I would want to be careful about setting rules and expectations realistically rather than setting things up that she is bound to fail. I’d be worried about creating a downward spiral when a pattern of successes is needed. It’s harder to be successful when one is beating oneself up.

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For our kid, going to school when you have a learning disability was a constant barrage of optimism followed by disappointment, panic, avoidance, and remorse. The cycle was broken when we created a non-scary plan, but also through finding successes, even little ones. Jobs are great, because you can feel useful, productive, and human again. Which makes hard things like school seem a little more approachable.

All of which I say in hindsight. At the time, it was not clear at all, but we stuck together.

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Great advice everyone-thank you! We will be careful to set up realistic rules and expectations. I think we’ll see a therapist on this because I tend to go overboard with rules and my husband is more lax and our differences in parenting style sets us up for trouble.

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I agree with other posters who think your daughter is making great progress. Issues that you are describing are very typical for adhd kids this age. If there is a way of keeping her in college, I would do that. A year off will not make much difference in her maturity level.

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@jupiter98 Thanks. She did ok this semester, but she is saying she needs some time off. Since she hasn’t had a full load since starting, we decided she should come home. If she had wanted to stay for next semester, we would have considered it but we were all in agreement she should take some time off.

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@Emsmom1, it sounds like you have a good plan coming together. I do think you’re right on point with the idea that you and your husband need to be on the same page. I hope it turns out to be a great “reset” for your daughter and she can feel good about her progress.

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@Emsmom1 Do you think perhaps that part time is the right pace for her if her grades are fine? Os it simply too expensive?

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Your post made me sad. Sorry, but I think you are way too punitive in your approach and need to learn more about ADHD and anxiety. Your daughter has done a great job, it would seem, in many ways.

It was YOUR job to advocate for her, urge her to register with the Office for Disabilities, and obtain accommodations, including, perhaps, a reduced courseload. Taking three classes instead of four can make a huge difference in someone’s life. (There are ways to proceed with reduced courses and finish in an affordable way.)

Even your attitude to the dance class reeks of condescension. Dance is a legitimate pursuit. Try reading Howard Gardner’s theories on multiple intelligences. And dance is great for those with ADHD.

I suggest you get a therapist, yourself, and come to a more collaborative approach with your daughter. Stop putting it all on her. Work with her.

Work can be really helpful for kids with challenges in school. Help her find other areas where she can succeed. More dance? Volunteering? How can this leave of asence be more than meeting a curfew, doing the dishes, and working part-time locally? Do you have a friend in NYC she could stay with? Is there an internship that could inspire her? Look into National Outdoor Leadership, wilderness programs that have helped many young people. Whatever interests her. Be creative as long as it is affordable.

Going forward, does she want to return to the same school?

Landmark has programs for kids in other colleges. The coach was a great idea, but did it come from her or was it imposed? It may be that she will decide not to return. In that case, there are many ways to finish school or make progress: CLEP’s. community college, various online and continuing ed programs. One of mine is doing the adult learner program at Lesley U. in Cambridge. Mixed ages, all kinds of back stories. She takes two classes per semester, one at a time. She has severe ADHD and the road has been long but she has never given up her dreams.

When kids come home, they often continue the sleep cycle they had at college. I remember working 3-11 and staying out until 3 or so. Make sure she is safe, but it works best if you treat her as an adult, as others have said.

Paradoxically, the more you give her autonomy, the more input you may have. ADHD and anxiety are not the sufferers fault. There is a good book entitled “The Myth of Laziness.”

I know how hard this is, and I am sorry if I come off as unsympathetic. We have all had the feelings you are having. My post may seem critical but I am trying to help after many years of this, so hope you are not too offended to accept it.

29

^^^ This. A thousand times. It’s so easy as the parent, so understandable to cast it as laziness and immaturity. ANd ADHD adult simply will not “rise” to a bunch of rules and ultimatums. You only succeed in making things impossible even though you mean well. Go read an ADHD support forum and compmom’s book suggestion is excellent

30

Admittedly I am no expert on ADHD or anxiety in college-aged persons but my first reaction is that her unacceptable behaviors are not being addressed because of her diagnosis. While I would work with her on her academic scheduling, I would set firm house rules as well. I like the idea that she be treated as an adult. She should be paying minimal rent and her own telephone and personal expenses. If you don’t want pot in your house, tell her that’s a deal-breaker and she will be asked to leave and find her own rental room or apartment. Tell her the doors get locked at 00:00 if she hasn’t called to let you know she won’t be home or what time she is expecting to be home and then LOCK THEM. Mutual respect. House rules.

Even with her diagnosis, she is certainly well past the age that she can use an alarm clock, make her responsible for her own time management.

I don’t know where she goes to school but it sounds like she isn’t capable of handling being away at school right now. Community college classes would be my offering, two or three a semester maybe, and I’d help financially assuming she is following the house rules and keeping her end of the bargain. Honestly, if she didn’t keep her end of the bargain, I’d ask her to leave and find her own place. Sometimes tough love works.

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Finding the right therapist for her should help a lot. Millions of adults have anxiety and ADHD and manage to get themselves up for work every day and she can too, or she can learn to do so with a therapist’s help. She could even investigate careers which offer night shifts such as IT or nursing if she is so committed to her current schedule. But I would not enable a 20 year old woman to do nothing productive all summer-that isn’t in anyone’s best interests.

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When my kid came home I did not go in her room to inspect it, so I never knew if she had pot in there or not :slight_smile:

There is a lot of advice on this thread that directly conflicts, so you certainly have some choices.

I truly believe that it is the quality of our relationships that is most helpful, in the long run.

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@Emsmom1, I agree with @compmom’s posts. As parents who have been on this journey a little longer than you, we’ve learned to temper our expectations. As other have mentioned, I would be THRILLED if my 25-year-old could take three classes a semester. But he is so ill he probably won’t finish college at all. We’ve pretty much accepted that fact, although it is still hard.

I HIGHLY recommend you attend a free class that NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Health) offers. It’s a 12-week class for people who have loved ones with a mental illness diagnosis. It’s offered in many, many towns all over the country - just google “NAMI Family to Family Class” with the name of your state. You learn all about different types of illness - causes, treatments, prognosis, etc. You also learn communication skills, boundary setting, problem solving strategies, etc. You also explore the emotional reactions that YOU go through as a result of your child’s diagnosis. In our case, it helped me realize that the sense of loss I feel is NORMAL and comparable to what people grieving a death go through.

The class helped me so much that I went through training last March to become an instructor and just finished teaching my first sessions. The word most people use to describe the class is “lifesaving.”

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Not everyone who likes to sleep in, skip class, or use pot has a mental health issue, much less a serious one. A therapist should help sort it all out.

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I have two children with ADHD. One of them suffers with anxiety as well. Both are under the care of a psychiatrist that specializes in ADHD in adolescence. She is a wonderful doctor who continues to treat her patients who ‘outgrow’ the typical age of her patients. My older graduated with honors from college and is now thriving in a challenging banking job (which I only partial understand) and the younger is a sophomore in an Ivy league school. Both are on medication, but the younger only takes it to study before exams. Is your daughter seeing a doctor? Is she on medication or have you considered medication? My family struggled with using medication to treat their ADHD, but honestly it has made a world of difference. My children are thriving. I am not writing this to ‘brag’,but because it hurts me to think of the suffering your family is dealing with. Your daughter has a medical condition and medicine and therapy can make a world of difference. I always told my kids that school would be the hardest part of their lives because it is made to meet the needs of non-ADHD people. My older is thinking about getting a MBA. I can see her anxiety return as she worries about trying to get extended time for the testing. Society puts these kids through the wringer. Please try to be an advocate for and ally to your daughter. My recommendation is to use this time as an opportunity to research ways to help your daughter manage her illness. She has a long and hopefully wonderful life ahead of her. ADHD can be challenging but it doesn’t have to define or limit her. Sending sincere wishes of peace to your family.

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roycroftmom, the OP told us from the start that her daughter has ADHD and anxiety, both of which are mental health challenges.

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I am having difficulty understanding what it means by treating like an adult. Lots of advices sounds like casting out like an stranger instead of helping an adult family member in need. Would you apply the same rules to your not working spouse or parents? If not how would it be fair to a young adult in transition?

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Went through a similar situation, what worked for us were firm limits. They want what they want. We hit him in the pocketbook, and were firm about a curfew. It is our home and the rest of the family has to get up and go to work or school and did not need the disruption of someone coming in all hours of the night - cooking, making noise etc. If you have a child who is respectful and you can negotiate with-by all means. But if you don’t- be a wall. Years later, our son recognized how atrocious his behavior was and apologized. Good Luck- its very challenging.

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It’s interesting that a couple posters advocate some really tough love and harsh consequences. Would you advocate the same for other types of chronic conditions but ones that manifested themselves physically instead of mentally? No one is advocating giving her free rein but approaching it with compassion and in a way that is doomed to setting her up for failure. ADHD/Anxiety aren’t the manifestations of an unruly toddler or petulant, rude teenager. The student in question has diagnosed conditions.

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@doschicos My son has ADD, anxiety, depression, and was extremely manipulative. What types of "chronic conditions " are you referring to? All our compassion and kindness for 18 years created a bit of a monster who manipulated us, and until we got very firm and really held him accountable did he have any inkling that he needed to change.