Anxious daughter unhappy at school

My freshman daughter is absolutely miserable at school. She hasn’t made any friends, is questioning her choice of major, and her anxiety levels are off the chart. It’s heartbreaking to see how unhappy she is. She’s talking about not going back in the fall. We just don’t know how to help her with this. If she takes time off, how will that affect her down the line if/when she wants to go back to college?

Oh, dear. My daughter is having a rough time with anxiety and ADHD but she has made some friends which helps. She’s also been to the counseling center which has seemed helpful. Has your daughter been to the counseling center? Also, most schools do have an option to withdraw for medical/mental health issues and then come back the following year or semester. I think that’s a better idea because it keeps open the option of going back. My freshman year I was highly anxious and depressed and I did leave in late Nov on a medical leave. I was able to come back the following Sept. I don’t remember the exact details (this was ages ago, of course), but I know I didn’t have to reapply to go back- I may have needed a doctor’s note, though. And it did say on my transcript that I took a leave but I’m glad I did the medical withdrawal because it allowed me to return and when I did, I had a wonderful four (ok, in all honesty it was five) years.
Good luck. I hope she feels better soon.

You will have to check out her particular school’s policy on taking a leave of absence or not registering for a semester. Different schools have different policies on that.

Whatever you and she decide, you definitely need to address her anxiety and depression. Is she seeing a therapist at school? If not, she should be.

Is this a big change from high school, or did she suffer from anxiety and depression then too? Has it usually been easy for her to make friends?

It’s not at all unusual for students to take time off from college. Sometimes they decide that they chose the wrong school, sometimes they just weren’t ready to be away from home yet, sometimes they aren’t sure what they want to study and it’s hard to motivate themselves to work so hard for an uncertain goal. Whatever your daughter ends up doing, she has lots of company, if that helps at all.

Does she have any ideas about what she would rather do than be at this school? For example, would she rather be working full-time, or does she want to transfer to a different school, or does she just not know what she wants to do?

One [oece of advice would be to protect her transcript for the future. So if her anxiety is affecting academics, she can 1) get accommodations by seeing someone, getting a diagnosis and registering with the office of disabilities 2) then has the option to withdraw before the semester ends and have no “W” and even have grades wiped clean or 3) she can take a medical leave for next fall, though the summer term may provide ample time to figure things out.

Many of us have kids who left school after a year and can assure you it can work out. Whatever she chooses can work out over the long term. Right now she is suffering and needs relief.

I hope she has seen a professional. Medication might help as well.

I have nothing new to add but wanted to send my support. My daughter’s friend took a medical leave from college to get help for her anxiety and then went back in the fall. It’s not uncommon.

I would just add that she should make an appointment with tbe counseling center on campus.

Agree with all of the advice here. Remember it’s not a race - her mental health is the most important thing at this point. You would be very surprised at the number of kids who suffer from anxiety and more serious illnesses.

If she has any scholarships, make sure she can take time off. My daughter’s is for 8 consecutive semesters. Daughter took a semester off to do a disney internship and almost lost her remaining semesters because D though everything was approved but it wasn’t. A lot of pleading and crying later, they reinstated it but it might have been a costly error.

But your daughter may not want to return to that school. If she can finish this semester, she’ll have many more options because she’d be transferring as a sophomore, any student loans wouldn’t have to be repaid immediately, she’d get what she paid for from the current school. Also, things might get better with the arrival of spring. There have been many posts on CC of how things just turned around in the spring.

She is on medication for her diagnosed depression and anxiety. Unfortunately she used up her allotted three visits to the school counseling center. I never considered the seasonal aspect – there is a lot of snow and her room is really dark. Thank you for the reassurance that a lot of kids withdraw or transfer. Making matters worse is the fact that everyone is talking housing and roommates for nest year and she feels excluded because no one has asked her.

I am so sorry, when kids aren’t happy, momma can’t rest. How far away is she from home? For now, I would tell her that all options are open, that perhaps this wasn’t the right choice and she needs a change, or that it might turn around. Since it was a big decision getting to this school, you both need to take time deciding what to do next. I think if she knows you support her and are listening, that in itself will make her feel a bit better, and perhaps give you some time to explore options together.

I really think many colleges fail these kids in terms of support. It can be hard to get the help you need - visits to the health center are limited, they can’t get an appointment till a week from Tuesday (and the crisis can’t wait that long), they are just open from 9-5 with a referral to a hotline. We send them off and want them to be adults, but a lot of them aren’t able to make that transition smoothly. I am still fresh off the tragedies at SCU in the last couple weeks, so this kind of story just hits home.

Obviously the repercussions of potentially changing schools needs to be understood, but what is most important is that she is ok. You can call the Dean of students office and have a frank conversation with them. This is what they are there for. Admissions handles the administrative, the Deans office should be your contact for a student potentially entering/in crisis mode/considering leaving the school.

Be there for her. Most of all, be there for her. Hugs.

You really cannot rely on in-house therapy and support . You have to find a therapist outside the school, and use insurance or pay privately. The school might provide names but I recommend the online Psychology Today therapist directory.

A small point: if time is taken off for a leave, or even if course load is reduced, due to a medical or psychiatric problem that has been registered with the Office for Disabilities and is documented by a professional, then financial aid has to cover any extra semesters on campus. This is logically ensured by the Americans with Disabilities Act which “levels the playing field.”

Being excluded from the housing plans that go on at some schools must be very hard to handle.

Many of us have kids who have left on leave. I have one who had two medical leaves and returned each time, graduating in 5 years and doing really well now. I have one who left an excellent school, worked at a sub shop while living at home, went to community college p/t, then got into a degree completion program with p/t school and continued work. This kid lives with friends and anticipates graduating over a few years while she lives her life. Many models.

It is so important for kids with any type of mental illness to have a therapist off campus. The on-campus counseling service is likely overwhelmed, and they limit appointments.

My daughter rents a Zip car or takes an Uber to her appointments.

For any incoming first year who has been diagnosed with a mental health issue, don’t assume they’ll be okay. Have an outside therapist in place before you get to campus!

I agree with the two last posters.Definitely find an off campus therapist. Some even will have group therapy with other young people going through the same issues. Best of luck

Ugh, I hate hearing about the limited counseling availability on campuses. My daughter goes to a pretty small school, but she sees a counselor at the health center every week. D likes the woman and is thriving. We would be hard-pressed to pay privately for a counselor at this point, so we are thankful.

I also wanted to lend my support. When my son went off to college, he was homesick and had trouble making friends. He was so disappointed and depressed. I think part of the problem was the big build up they have in their minds about what college will be like. Secondly, he found the first few weeks very exciting with orientation and everyone being so friendly, he thought it would continue. Then people found their friends, doors were closed and everyone went off in their own direction and he felt lost. I kept encouraging him to join clubs, get involved on campus, but he had a hard time putting himself out there. Finally, after being pretty miserable for a couple of years, he decided to transfer. It was a great decision…he changed to a much more down to earth school where the kids were more open and friendly. It was also closer to home where he could leave for a weekend or we could come and visit. He ended up enjoying it and still has many of the friends he made there today.

Also, some kids just don’t do well far from home. Many end up trying college away and come back and either live at home and commute or go to a school close to home. It’s hard to remember they are still young and so much is expected of them. Their brains are still developing and so are their social skills, impulse control and maturity. They also all develop at different rates. It is so important that they don’t feel like failures just because they are not going along with the status quo. Every individual has to do what is best for them. In addition, college isn’t for everyone, there are many different roads to take.

We have a college kid who “doesn’t want to talk about it” and at the moment is not receptive to further therapy or meds.

So even though this is a difficult time for you, it’s good to read she is talking to you about it, and will likely be open to you finding her some help and coming up with some options.

Our D was seeing a DBT therapist in HS and then Skyped her weekly appointment for the first couple months of college, to help with the transition.

A 3 session limit is much more limited than the norm for counseling centers. I suggest that you call the center to confirm that this is their policy and ask about exceptions.

@Midwest67 Funny about the Skype thing, I just asked D’s therapist if he would be willing to do that once or twice per month. He said yes, but now I have to approach D about it.

@Anxious711 Sending hugs, please keep us posted.

@Fishnlines29

Yes, I asked the therapist if she thought it’d be awkward for my student to find a space and time for privacy for a Skype session. The therapist waved the question away, saying so many kids have seen, or do see, a therapist that “the kids are used to it” and there isn’t as much stigma nowadays. She said, you just tell your roommate you need the room for a Skype session with your therapist back home. Done. Our D was content to continue with the sessions.

Having said that, we did get mixed messages from our team here at home. Both the therapist and psychiatrist said care could continue long distance while she is at school, but (!)… then they both had CYA wording along the lines of it was fine for maintenance and support, but if things go south, they can’t really “be responsible” and then there was a question of “practicing across state lines”.

Backing up a little, I had assumed there would be a plan for transitioning to support on campus or in the city where her school is located. I think it was a mistake on my part to not ask more questions or insist that D and her therapist work on that ahead of her going. That is, the plan to continue by doing Skype took me by surprise, and it was late in the game. I didn’t really see that as the best option for setting up support in a new location, but then again, I hadn’t voiced those thoughts or asked the right questions.

There were financial considerations as well. We were paying out of pocket for her therapist and now she was going to have a great insurance plan at school and could see someone in the city and get coverage. We pressed her to wean off her therapist, and the unintended, unanticipated consequence was D abruptly stopped her therapy and eventually stopped her meds (we think, but aren’t sure) and blew off her next psychiatrist appointment.

I’ve been going to a local NAMI family support group meeting and it’s been helpful. A lot is out of our control, but we hope to maintain some positive influence and not blow up our relationship.

Not meaning to hijack the thread, but just to give an idea of how complicated these things can be!

I’m echoing the time off option.

  • It will not hurt her academically and probably will help her.
  • I strongly advise allowing her to treat her gap year as a vacation if she wants. After all she's been working hard her entire life.
  • copying from another thread, here are some ideas of what else she could do, once she's fully rested at home and feels safe again --