I would seek counseling for myself and my husband (separately or together).
It’s a tough situation when you have a young-adult child who needs more parenting and support, yet your own boundaries are being crossed. It’s easy to be supportive at first, hit your limit, then blow up. At least this is what a friend told me.
Obviously you love her and want what is best for her. It’s OK to have your own needs and boundaries too. This is where a really good counselor can help you figure out how to vent your own frustrations in a safe place, and then how to navigate it all.
We have had similar experience with our oldest DD. She came home midway through her second semester freshman year. We moved her bedroom to the basement, which has a staircase and door to the garage, so that she could come and go without waking everyone up. She has struggled to complete classes at the local community college, we’ve paid for 20 credits, put she’s only completed 3.
A counselor might also tell her that the behaviors at issue may have nothing to do with the student’s anxiety or ADHD in this case. It isn’t necessarily compassionate to do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves.
If you’re dealing with a family member with depression/anxiety issues, that’s a pretty big die to roll, IMO. Glad it worked out for you guys but it could take an ugly and unfortunate turn as well, one which I certainly wouldn’t want haunting me until my dying day.
For newer posters who haven’t seen me write this 100 times: With kids who are struggling with mental health diagnoses at this age, you want to keep the ball in play. That means keeping them alive long enough that they can learn coping skills. I lost my 20-year-old nephew to suicide 2 years ago, so this isn’t just theoretical for me.
@MaineLonghorn this is so true! Our DD admitted herself a year ago to the hospital, thank goodness. She then did an intensive 3 week outpatient program. Now I am thankful that she’s alive, managing her life, and pretty happy. The rest will come.
Agree with above posters that going overboard on rules isn’t helpful on the components affected by her disability. One of my kids has a LD, and both of our lives got a lot better when I started reminding myself that the things making me crazy about her were often due to the disability, not stuff she could easily control. I agree with others that your long term solution may be finding a way she can go to college carrying less than a full load. If her current school is too expensive for that, consider a transfer.
Three years ago I could have written your post. The break from school, the drugs, ADHD, anxiety, sleep issues, throw in depression as well. First recommendation is THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY. For all of you–one therapist for her, a different one for you and your husband, and family sessions as well. We actually sent my daughter away. It is very difficult to deal with these issues at home. You want to treat her as an adult, but your consequences will make her feel like a child. You can’t rescue her anymore, she needs to take responsibility when she misses things because she can’t get up in the morning. When you notice that she is sleeping through her alarm, what are you going to do? Wake her up (rescue her)? Ignore it (very hard)? How will her being home affect YOUR mental health? Are you going to have consequences that you can really stick to? You need to understand what you can and can’t control, and to let go of what you can’t. You also need to stop rescuing her. And she needs to understand that you won’t rescue her anymore when she messes up. Can you do that while she is living at home? That is why we sent our daughter away–to become more independent. And that is where the therapists come in. Feel free to PM me if you want more information.
Sometimes it is good to step back a little, and treat the manifestations of the diagnosis as dispassionately as possible. Instead of assigning intent and motivation, cut straight to problem solving as a collaboration, as a way to bond, as a way for her to not feel unsupported.
We also tried “the experiment” and it most emphatically did not work and probably exacerbated and elongated the bad stretch. For us, it was like insisting a person wih a broken leg should dance— no amount of wanting to will make it happen and it doesn’t have to be someone’s fault. We had 2000% better results and less stress when we gave up the “tough love” idea. Not no consequences or accountability, but having those with collaboration and kindness. As someone here told me, don’t “disasterize”. Get an idea of where you want to end up, and a general idea of how to get there, and let that be enough.
OP, people will judge you, and her, no matter whether you try a hard line or an empathetic one. You have to get to a place where you don’t care about that. You will have success and failure, forward and back. It is not a race nor a timeline for others to dictate. Listen, listen listen to each other. take care of yourself, and shut out the critics — even us!! — because you and your daughter are the only ones who matter. You can do this!
One more piece of advice I keep harping on: If you have OTHER kids, make sure they have a counselor they can talk to. They are probably trying to be “good” to spare you any more trouble. Once they start holding things in, it’s not good! Speaking from personal experience again - we thought our younger daughter was doing fine after her brothers were diagnosed. We asked her and she said she was fine! It was a family friend who alerted me that she really wasn’t fine. She was diagnosed with anxiety herself. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I’m still paying on a bill for an ER visit she made when she had a panic attack while her dad and I were out of town.
That’s one reason I liked the movie “Wonder.” It showed how the “normal” sibling was struggling.
My daughter left away school after 1 year - she came away with very few credits, she has a LD and anxiety as well. She is also stubborn as all heck about any suggestions to help. We had issues with her at home as well (as did my ex). She moved out after failed attempts at community college as well.
I finally said enough, find your own way as did my ex. I hated it but we had to do it. The constant battles were not okay. We gave her our conditions for living in our homes - - she rejected them as unreasonable and moved out. She isn’t doing fantastic by any means but she is surviving and my hands off approach is better for our relationship (I still hate it but she is 23 now so it is what it is) – we struggled with her from 18 to 22 and nothing really worked.
I guess she has to want to do differently and to date she doesn’t.
@Emsmom1 you’ve gotten some great advice, the most important is to get therapy for your D, and therapy for yourself, with people in your area that have experience and success in dealing with these issues. I wanted to comment about money. Assuming it’s finite, I’d be more concerned about spending it on mental health than education right now. Depending on the severity of your D’s issues, it could take a lot longer to successfully launch her as an independent adult, so you might need to be careful with your money. And, if your D takes on student loan debt herself before she is stronger and has a better likelihood of a successful launch, your D can be significantly hurting her future.
Everyone seems to agree that an experienced objective professional counselor (and other medical experts if needed) would be a good starting point. An experienced counselor will have seen scores of similar cases and can really help guide you on this far more than random parents you don’t know on a forum
Thanks everyone-a lot to think about. @compmom I didn’t mean to sound condescending-what I am is tired. I quit my job when my daughter started middle school-not a lucrative career, but I did enjoy it-to advocate for my daughter and drive her to private school in the next town over. I don’t regret that or resent it; I was glad I was able to do it-I know not everyone can make that decision. We had myriad meetings in middle school and high school with her teachers and the administration and I have flown back to the east coast where she is in college to calm her when she’s melting down and to meet with the ADHD coach and the dean of students. We have hired tutors, life coaches, therapists, and counselors who specialize in executive function. Her current coach calls her every day to make sure she’s up and productive (she often goes back to sleep after the call, unfortunately). I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’ve tried so much and I am feeling SO HOPELESS at this point.
My husband thinks it’s a matter of her brain maturing and thinks that a year off will help. He had ADHD and took a gap year before figuring out he really did not want to work construction and went back to undergrad and then law school. He thinks if he did it, she can do it. I have depression/anxiety and I know that combined with ADHD it makes a more complicated situation than what my husband went through.
We did see a therapist this summer before deciding to send my daughter back. She said it was a classic case of “failure to thrive” and recommended such a “tough love” approach that it made me uncomfortable and we didn’t return. There has to be a happy medium between tough love and a laissez-faire approach-something that holds her accountable but still takes into account her challenges. I’m just not sure what that is.
My daughter is at an ivy that is very accommodating. They have approved a reduced schedule for her for the last two semesters. I am fine with her taking three classes (instead of four) each semester. This year her ADHD coach pushed for four classes because one was dance, but my daughter ended up dropping one anyway.
I mean this quite sincerely, OP-why should she change her behavior? Is there a serious sign that she is unhappy at present? Does she care if she takes 5 or more years for a degree? Maybe the current arrangement of school is fine with her, and she doesn’t much care to change it, which may be ok if you can afford it. The one thing I am certain of is the change needs to come from her to have any chance of success.
