Advice on how to stop making the same social mistakes

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I would like advice on making friends at the new uni I will transfer to this autumn from my old uni.</p>

<p>I have emotional issues with making friends. See, last semester I did try making friends. Twice a week we would have lunches and I usually went at least once a week, and I tried texting them sometimes (though the texting didn’t usually go so well, mostly because people were busy and didn’t really have time for my randomness, hah) However, these lunches were pretty boring. Why? Because I really can’t participate in a group conversation. I have hearing loss and on top of that vision loss, so group conversations and me? Not happening. I really like doing more active things or watching TV, not sitting around at lunch talking about our days and how sucky our teachers are.</p>

<p>Anyways, after a while I stopped going to the lunches, mostly because there just stopped being lunches, as far as I could tell. I invited one of our lunch group out for a movie, which was fun, but afterwards she seemed kind of stand-offish and then we just never saw each other again (which isn’t surprising because of lack of lunches and we don’t live in the same dorm). </p>

<p>I mentioned emotional problems. The short version is that in high school I just stopped trying to make friends because I just couldn’t have a conversation with anyone without a whole host of confusion on my part. So this semester I’ve reverted back to being stand-offish when people try to be friendly because I just don’t feel like dealing with that headache, and anyways they’re usually asking how I am and then I ask them how they are and we both give mono-syllabic answers (because we’re communicating in sign language) and then we go on our merry ways which are usually in different directions.</p>

<p>ANYWAYS, for future reference, what are some ways I can have a better chance of creating friendships without creating all sorts of awkwardness either because of lack of understanding by me owing to hearing loss or not being an expert in American Sign Language? I am taking ASL 1 though so it’s not like I’m sitting around hoping I’ll magically learn ASL overnight so I can magically have awesome magic Deaf friends. </p>

<p>I have tried out clubs. With one club, I really thought I was doing great our first day, but I kept trying to get information about specific club activities and never got the answers I needed from the person in charge who I was trying to ask for help, so it soured me to the club and I acted a bit bratty towards them in return. And with the other club, while it’s billed as a social club, we mostly come to that one to learn ballroom dance and the socializing happens with hearing people who can, you know, hear each other. A couple of them can sign but they don’t always bother.<br>
I suppose I need tips on where to get a set of functioning ears, but I do think most of my problem is social rather than physical, seeing as how I have met quite a few high-functioning people here at my uni who have hearing loss and not all of them communicate in ASL exclusively. I just wish I could figure out what magic formula they took so they can have conversations with other people without going a bit kaboom and dozing off mid-conversation because they can’t understand a word being said. </p>

<p>I was often told "how well I speak" growing up. But when I try to have a conversation with someone hearing, I pick up about one-third of what they're saying and have to guess at the rest, which I more often than not get wrong. This is very frustrating because I'm not really a stupid person, but I often come off as though I am because I can neither communicate effectively in ASL nor can I communicate effectively in English! Communication really is a two-way street - having a conversation in either language usually makes me come off as the brainless one. </p>

<p>So...help with any tips on how to actually have meaningful conversations? Not even relationships, just conversations which can lead to relationships. :)</p>

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<p>Oh cool there’s someone like me yay(bad hearing and vision) !!! I don’t usually post but I felt like I should cuz I dont think there’s much people with hearing loss in these forums</p>

<p>Anyways, I’m gonna assume you wear hearing aids/glasses/contacts because I do. If you don’t wear any, get them! There shouldn’t really be any problems with vision if you wear contacts or glasses. But it’s a little different with bad hearing; most people don’t understand that even with hearing aids, your hearing is still not the same as people born with normal hearing. I understand what you mean when it’s frustrating not to be able to hear others in a conversation, especially when the outside environment is pretty noisy, like at lunch. The main thing is to tell the people you talk to that you have hearing loss and to not be afraid to ask them to speak louder or repeat what they said. Almost everyone, if not all, will be understanding and do what they can to help cuz they want to communicate with you. My 2cents for now since I’m in a rush, but anything you wanna talk about, just PM me or talk here</p>

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<p>hah, if I hadn’t been wearing glasses and hearing aids since the age of six I’d be a lot worse off than I am, I think. Funny thing is, glasses do not completely correct my vision, which always surprises people when I bring it up. I don’t need or use a cane or a seeing-eye dog, but I can’t read anything unless I’m close to it or it’s in big print, Anyways, my vision is usually fine - I don’t freak about it much.</p>

<p>To be honest I’m just a big chicken who prefers to hide rather than to try. I don’t know what else to try anyways - I feel like if I try to get to know people on my floor by now, it’ll just come off as weird because I suddenly want to be their friend again when I haven’t done much more than say hello to the ones I know the names of or see around a lot. I think it’s kind of ridiculous that there’s thousands of students around me but I can’t figure out how to make friends with even just one. I’ve set an ultimatum for myself - if I don’t make any friends by the end of the semester, I’m going to switch universities next semester which is freaking me out a bit because it’s already March and I don’t know how to try again. </p>

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<p>Thanks for the tips btw, and it’s nice to know there’s someone else like me on the forums. The things you suggested to try are things that only work to a certain extent. Most people get a deer-in-the-headlights look when I try to have a conversation with them, and I think I must get the same look when I get talked to by someone I can’t hear or understand. lol, oh well, such is life. </p>

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<p>No problem! I never really get to talk about my hearing problems cuz most people can’t relate so it’s refreshing to talk about my experiences with it and give advice (finally being hard-of-hearing is good for something haha). Anyways, idk exactly what you mean about the deer-in-headlights look, but you’ll be surprised how much more smoothly your conversations will go if they understand that it’s hard for you to hear em. I’ve neglected to tell most of my high school friends that I was hard of hearing and that made situations awkward - like I would be 2 feet away from a friend, she’d call my name, it would look like i was ignoring her, but really i didn’t hear her, people then thinking i was stuck-up or something. Or more awkward when you’re politely nodding nd they’re asking you an open-ended question lol nd they look at you funny. For the three years that I went through this, it made lunches and people trying to whisper to you in class burdensome. The summer after, I went away to an internship for 7 weeks (living in a dorm with people) and decided to try something new so I mustered up the courage to tell everyone I wore hearing aids and it made making friends sooo much easier. If they said something and I gave them a blank stare, they were nice enough to repeat it. I was comfortable asking “what did you say” a million times and they understood.</p>

<p>People might think it would be weird at first if you start talking to them, but they’ll probably get over it quickly. Idk about others, but I would be pleasantly surprised if someone came up and tried to make an effort to get to know me, unless I held a grudge against them or something. It doesn’t hurt to try anyways, right? </p>

<p>You’re gonna switch universities? If you don’t mind me asking, where are you transferring to? I think it’s kinda a big change for the reasons you provided, unless it’s like your first year and you want another fresh start.</p>

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<p>I think preferring to hide than try, and then getting frustrated and being snotty, is a big part of your problem-- you are sabotaging yourself. I technically have normal hearing, but I have an auditory processing deficiency so I can relate to some of what you posted. I can only make out half of what people say sometimes because the sounds mix together and it is very frustrating, and then I feel like they’re looking at me like I’m dumb. I have found that telling people I don’t hear that well helps sometimes, but I have to try-- and not take it out on them that I am struggling to hear. </p>

<p>If you are anything like me, you have to be really careful how you come across. If I get frustrated and zone out, it looks to the other person like I don’t like them and don’t care about what they’re saying. If I mishear them over and over and don’t ask for clarification, it looks to them like I wasn’t really listening. Frustration comes across like, “don’t talk to me” and you admit you sometimes purposefully project “dont talk to me” because you dont want to deal with conversations. That will make people think you want to be left alone, and they will leave you alone. You can’t send mixed messages and expect people to understand just like people can’t mumble and expect you to hear. And you have to help them help you by letting them know about your issue and asking them to repeat when necessary. If I had a friend who was hard of hearing I’d feel really bad if I found out she could never understand what I was saying and I would want to help her!</p>

<p>I don’t know if there’s anything that can be done to address your hearing medically or anything like that, but if there is I would certainly pursue that as well. This problem won’t go away after college and it doesn’t get any easier until you learn to deal with it. :\ You can’t expect people to read your mind and realize you can’t hear what they are saying, they will only know that if you tell them. And you can’t expect them to keep talking to someone who looks like they aren’t listening, either. </p>

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<p>snapbacks - At the moment I don’t know if I’ll be switching universities or not. It’s not really my ‘first’ year of college. I’ve been in college for four years total, but three of them were at community college.</p>

<p>Hah! It’s only finally good for something? I use it all the time to my advantage with my family - if there’s something I don’t want to hear, I just turn my hearing aids off or stop reading their lips. They get really annoyed when I do that but it entertains me. Plus, I like to ‘mishear’ some things my family say which always crack me up but just make my family roll their eyes and think maybe I’m a bit slow on the uptake. But hey, gotta get your kicks where you can. :P</p>

<p>To be honest, I never understood why people try to hide their hearing aids. I’ve never hidden mine in my life - but that doesn’t stop people from making some assumptions about hearing aids - a) that they cure hearing loss, b) that if I didn’t hear something the first time, nevermind is somehow the best answer, c) I’m sure there’s others but I’m done listing. :stuck_out_tongue: But sometimes I do wish I could hide it - if I could pass as hearing, which I can’t except with my family. </p>

<p>It’s cool you’re learning to be more confident about your hearing loss! One of the things people in my school drummed into my head from an early age was that I needed to ‘advocate’ for myself, but I’m just now actually taking that lesson to heart. Better late than never! And yeah, I’ve noticed that getting out of your comfort zone is often the best way to become more confident about hearing loss.To be honest, I’ve come out of my shell a lot more around people who sign It’s made me more confident about communicating with hearing people who don’t sign - it’s weird. </p>

<p>Emaheevu - I KNOW all that, lol. I’m not shouting at you, just emphasizing. Mentally, I know all that, but I choose to act like a brat sometimes. (Er, a lot of the time?) I’m doing better now - I’m relatively friendly with some neighbors and I go to club and have awesome classes, but it’s not something that just happens overnight, and the high of “it’s the first semester and we’re all new” is worn off and everyone’s busy doing our own things (including me). At my school people really get the whole hearing loss thing, it’s not something that’s hidden away or only a few people deal with it. As far as medical corrections - I have thought about it, but I really am not sure I want someone drilling a hole in my skull to insert a cochlear implant. I’m learning sign - plenty of people with hearing loss live without cochlear implants and sign. As I mentioned above, I DON’T hide my hearing loss, but neither do I always bother getting them to repeat themselves when they’re no clearer the first time around than the fifth time around.</p>

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<p>Relieved I’m not the only one started a thread about a similar problem, and I don’t have hearing or sight issues. I do have some processing issues that make learning challenging and when I was little they called me “stupid.”</p>

<p>The person who said this gave super advice: I think preferring to hide than try, and then getting frustrated and being snotty, is a big part of your problem-- you are sabotaging yourself. I technically have normal hearing, but I have an auditory processing deficiency so I can relate to some of what you posted.</p>

<p>I know its hard but don’t be a brat when they can’t understand or are being aloof. I just keep trying and reaching out and it is very rare to actually get someone to agree to hang out and often they cancel with trivial excuses. I learned the hard way that its best to just say it’s no problem and you’ll get together another time (even though you won’t) instead of showing the slightest small bit of frustration even if justified. It will become habit and at least you won’t have them “mad” at you or telling everyone you have anger management issues. That’s what I got for answering honestly when I had plans to bring someone to an event right after work and had planned for it. I was finishing work and texted, then she said she “couldn’t make it” when she would have known an hour before and should have let me know…avoid the person as a flake you can’t rely on, but don’t be a brat</p>

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<p>lesseb - easier said than done. I’m sorry you’ve met so many flaky people. </p>

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<p>Hey readerdreamer, I “hear” exactly what you are saying and completely get how frustrated you must be. I wore hearing aids from the age of 3 and used lipreading to help me get by for many years. High school was easy because everyone knew about my hearing loss since we grew up together and classes were less than 30 kids. College was an entirely different story as classes were harder to function in and I got every professor with an accent, speech impediment, beard or horrible teaching style where they jumped around the lecture hall. It took me a long time to learn how to advocate for myself academically and my transcript reflected that. Are you using CART or an FM in your classes? You don’t say how you are doing academically.</p>

<p>Socially, though, I didn’t have many problems as I ALWAYS told people about my hearing loss and educated them a bit about how my hearing aids helped but if they were rustling paper or playing with their keys my hearing aids amplified it all and I had a difficult time hearing. Perhaps you can manipulate things a bit to be more advantageous for you. Instead of going to group lunches in the dining hall, ask one person to have lunch with you out on the quad, or in a quieter area somewhere. One on one is obviously always easier. Of if you’re with a group, tell them it would be great if you can get a table in the corner of the room and seat yourself so that your back is to the wall to reduce some of the extraneous noise around you. Do your hearing aids have a noise reduction program? Most aids offer that now and I highly recommend trying to use it. If you use an FM in class, you can try using that at lunch as well. When I had meetings with groups I would put the mic in the middle of the table so it would pick up people better for me. Once people see how much effort you put in to helping yourself hear them, they are more likely to get it and try to help you as well.</p>

<p>Do you know if you are even eligible for a cochlear implant (or two)? The only way to know for sure is to visit a cochlear implant audiologist and be tested. Surgical styles vary between surgeons but I will tell you that my husband was implanted about 2 years ago and his surgeon didn’t use a drill technique. The implants are thinner now. My daughter and I both have cochlear implants (we were implanted years ago) and it has been life-changing for us all. Conversations are much easier and we don’t need to lip-read anymore. The stress of always straining to hear and understand people, movies and music is all a thing of the past for us. We did have auditory rehab after our surgeries, so there is a time commitment to helping yourself get the best out of it. It is not a miracle that happens overnight but when someone has been a decent hearing aid user and has heard and understood speech and various sounds, they are typically someone who will do well with an implant.</p>

<p>Transferring schools will not help your situation and neither will acting bratty out of frustration. Meeting this issue head-on, educating others how they can help you participate in conversations (face me, don’t have food in your mouth when talking to me, get my attention first before you talk, etc.), positioning yourself in rooms so you can hear better, etc. can really go a long way in alleviating some of the frustration you are having. Research cochlear implants more, ask to meet people who have them or whose kids around your age have them. If you would like some help with resources, I would be happy to help you. Just send me a PM. :)</p>

<p>BTW, you don’t say if you have Usher’s but if you do, I have a friend with it who put off getting a cochlear implant for years and then finally did it and is happy beyond words. Having visual loss coupled with hearing loss is more of a reason to investigate cochlear implant surgery. </p>

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<p>Hearing and vision impairments can be so isolating. I think getting into situations where you’re interacting with one person in a more formal setting can really help build relationships. Trying to build connections in groups or when there’s informal communication going on can be much more difficult. Could you become a peer tutor or freshman mentor? Work on reporting for student or community media or blog? Join a project where you’re working in partnership with just one other person — perhaps as a subcommittee of two for some NFP? Recruit someone to assist you and a few others to perform physical work, like volunteers to paint a resource room in an elementary school, where you’d spend a good chunk of a day together and people would get to know a side of you beyond chit-chatting at lunch. Get a workout partner. That kind of thing. Seed your life with about five one-to-one relationships (and share the info on your hearing/vision) and then those can be the center around which you build outward into larger groups surrounding each your new friends. I know this sounds prescriptive, but you’ve definitely given it the old college try and you’re hoping for a new path/experience. Hang in there!</p>

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<p>Wow, you both make it sound so easy to make friends, lol. I have been doing better about putting myself out there. Everyone I meet knows I have hearing loss - because this campus is very, very Deaf-friendly. I do use C-print (basically CART) and I am learning ASL as best I can. I think I do best with being friendly (as opposed to making friends) when I don’t necessarily have an expectation of friendship. For example, I had an unrealistic expectation that my Deaf roommate would be my friend, but she did not turn out to be so - preferring to spend time with friends she’d already made the previous year and with her boyfriend. Don’t even get me started on the boyfriend. He takes up all her time when they’re in the room and never really left me many openings to get to know her better.</p>

<p>I did some volunteer work that my school sponsored which was a ton of fun and I have opted to volunteer with freshman movein next year. dyiu13 - I did try to become a Peer Mentor but I was not accepted (at my school it is a paid position and you have to submit a resume.) </p>

<p>I have been a member of a club for the past year but it’s very difficult to be friends with the club members because they are all hearing and prefer loud noisy group conversations. I do my best to be friendly with them though but I am not kidding myself that they are my friends. I think I’m almost like their pet mascot, lol. I don’t mind though because I learn new dances from them and have met some genuinely nice people in club who just don’t know how to communicate with me well but things are finally improving these past few weeks, probably because I started going to the club’s weekly late-night dinners. </p>

<p>Anyways, I plan to do more volunteer stuff next semester when the opportunities present themselves and try out some new clubs as well. I will be living in an apartment with three others (with our own rooms, yay!) so maybe something will come out of those relationships as well, who knows? Also, there’s a very nice group of people who do NaNoWriMo in my area so I may hook up with them again around November for fun writing nuttiness, lol. </p>

<p>I just need to stop chickening out when the opportunities are right in front of me.</p>