<p>I figure this is a good question to ask you guys, to get the parental point of view. I'm in NJ and my mom absolutely refuses to consider any school more than a ~5 hour drive away. I understand that she's having a hard time since I'm the oldest but I also think she's being unreasonable and is under the illusion that if I live close, she'll come visit me every week. How can I make her understand that I'm not going to disappear forever once I leave home and that I'm not looking at places like Reed and Oberlin (both of which I really like) just to spite her. Her argument is that there are plenty of good colleges around here, so there's no reason whatsoever to look outside the Northeast.</p>
<p>Well, D1 insisted on a <em>minimum</em> buffer of two states between home in Chicago and whichever college she chose. She stuck to her guns, and wound up in Dartmouth. We all lived through it - she just graduated.</p>
<p>....so you can tell your parents that yes, it's possible. It's not the end of the world. And she got to see that laundry doesn't get done by the Tooth Fairy, but you actually have to get off your a__ and haul the stuff to a washing machine... :-)</p>
<p>"Dad, I don't want it to be like medieval times, when you're born, grow up, go to school, get married, have children, and die in the same small village. I want to experience a part of the country, with different history, different traditions," is what my D said to me sophomore year.</p>
<p>I think your Mom should realize that once you're in school, you're so busy that it doesn't matter whether you're one hour away or ten...it's IM and/or e-mail when you can time. </p>
<p>I strongly believe in the Chelsea Clinton theory: if you grow up on one coast, go to school in the other. And if you're in Cleveland, get out of Ohio!</p>
<p>Hi eclipse0, While I don't know the answer to your question, I can speak from a recent experience that was similar to yours. My son was interested in a particular school that I had an instant aversion to. While I actively discouraged his interest in applying there for reasons that I believed to be justified, I secretly questioned my own motivation. I posted the question here on the parents forum and got some very helpful advice. One person suggested that I do some soul searching and ask myself what my real fears were about the school. After I did this, I found that I had some worries about him and that this school 'represented' to me, those worries. After I thought about it and forced myself to keep an open mind, I learned that the school actually had a lot to offer him. Perhaps if you wait for a time when you are not at odds with your mom, you can talk to her in a
non -adversarial way about her concerns for you. She may become aware, for example that the "distance" issue is really about something else. Hope this helps.</p>
<p>I have a different take on the issue of distance. What matters is the ease of getting from point A to point B. There are schools that are located closer to home than a few of those S is applying to, but they take longer to get to by plane and the fares are even more expensive than some that are farther away; and H is not about to drive 7-8 hours to pick up S and bring him back to school (no cars allowed first year). H in fact refuses to drive more than 2 hours each way, so if S ends up further from home, he'll have to depend on planes or trains and buses. I doubt he'll want to bring his dirty laundry home in that case.</p>
<p>I never had any arguments with my parents about where I would go to school. That problem never came up because they weren't going to pay for college anyway. But fortunately I went to a college that was 6 hours away and they were able to drive that distance to help me move. I knew that if my parents were able to pay my choice of colleges would have been greatly limited by travel distance, but they may have been somewhat flexible. I had a few friends who literally had no choice about where to go. Their dad was only going to pay for a certain school (in-state, low tuition, very short travel distance) and it was non-negotiable. </p>
<p>Unlike my parents I am going to put money away for my kids' college education. But if I can't fully afford the tuition to a school they want to attend then they can make up the difference with loans like I did. But I don't know if I would be willing to cosign. That depends on whether or not they grow to be trustworthy with finances.</p>
<p>I don't know, Marite. Mine flew home from Canandian summer camp with hockey bags full of really really dirty laundry. The t-shirts that came home from Africa were all clean though so maybe there is a no-fly rule as the get older...</p>
<p>Eclipse. Are you the oldest child? I was and I initially signed up to go to a university six hours away. Then, another university, which happened to be in a great city but a twelve hour drive away, took me off the waitlist--in August! AFTER my parents and I attended orientation, met the Dean and the roommate at Uni No. 1!! Neighbors encouraged me to go the great city university even if it meant loans. They said I would never think about those loans when I was their age--and they were dead right.</p>
<p>My parents were horrified and did everything to stop me. Eventually, my grandmother cajoled them into paying some of the tuition--but they refused to help me find a way or buy additional luggage or clothing. I found a ride ("Twleve hours in a car with a man you don't know!"), went with a few measly clothes and found great great happiness. </p>
<p>Parents are wonderful people. I'm one now. But they cannot see the future, nor do they know you as well as you know yourself. It can be hard to convince them whilst you are still discovering yourself. Do you have a Gramma or some Aunts and Uncles who could put on the pressure? :)</p>
<p>My advice is to apply to the schools you want with our without them and leave the wrangling for the Spring--with a whisper or two to Gramma and Co....</p>
<p>Eclipse, first, she's not going to be able to come and visit you every weekend if you are a 5 hour drive away, believe me! Honestly once you get to school, anything beyond 3 hour drive is too far for casual weekend visits, so even if you start out with visits, they will definitely taper off. Also, if you are outside the "running home for the weekend zone" which is about 3 hours, as far as visiting home goes, you may as well be on the other coast - gone is gone.
Right now, let it be, research the types of schools you are interested in, beginning at 3 hours and moving out to 5 - then look for other schools like those that are further away. When you have a list of colleges both inside and outside the 5 hour window, and clear reasons why you want to go to these particular schools - then start talking to your parents - you may learn that they have good reasons for keeping you closer - like financial/safety reasons - and you can show them what it is about school X that is better than school Y (which always includes learning about another area of the country). You may find that the perfect school is within that 5 hour window. You will also need to have some of the financial type talks that Justin mentions. I think you may find that this is more about finances than "holding on".</p>
<p>I'll say this, I didn't want my daughter to be too close, and I did not want her to attend a commuter school, but if finances were tight, and she could only fly home once a year, and I couldn't get out to see her, I would want her to give serious consideration to staying in driving distance - SAFE driving distance that is - which would be about 5 hours.</p>
<p>Give them reason to believe that you are independent enough to be further away. On the other hand, I also live in NJ and there are tons of great schools within about a 5 hour drive from here. Is there one specific school you had in mind that you really want to go to but is out of your parents' grographic boundary?</p>
<p>Both Reed and Oberlin are very distinctive schools that aren't replicated in quite the same way in other regions, however this is my suggestion.
Write down your criteria. Size, location, intensity of academics, whatever you decide that is important. We chose about 10 different criteria. Then weight the criteria by how important it is to have at the school. Finally rank the schools using the criteria you just selected. This could show your parents that you have carefully thought out what you are looking for and what schools have the highest marks. This also gives them an opportunity to find schools that fit their regional preference but also the things you are looking for. Good luck</p>
<p>It seems to me that the main issue is not whether your mother can easily get to you, but whether you can easily get home if you need to for some reason. It is impossible in advance to know what such a reason might be, but it is something like an insurance policy in case of medical need, homesickness, etc. If you are beyond the eight hour window, then flights are really the only option and you must determine whether you have the financial resources for air travel. While seeing another part of the country serves as a nice theoretical reason for attending college far away, I am not sure in reality how much time most students actually spend away from their campuses. Obviously there are some colleges which are worthy destinations in their own right regardless of the distance, but unless you are applying to one of those I would want to seek out places closer to home.</p>
<p>That's exactly how my parents are treating me. They do not want me going anywhere. They would rather me go to a Community College than to go to a top school in the country. There will be much arguing and debating when I get all of my acceptance letters.</p>
<p>If your parents are at all logical you should be able to explain to them that if a 5 hour drive is close enough, then why not a 5 hour plane trip? Especially given the uncertainties of traffic in the NJ area, a "theoretical" 5 hour driving distance could easily be a 9 hour nightmare around any holiday, weekend, or ... anytime!! So logically, what is the difference??</p>
<p>If your parents are illogical, then simply scream at your mother and tell her she is a control freak and it won't matter how close you are you won't be coming home anyway!! :)</p>
<p>We told our kids that they could look at colleges within a 3 hour drive of here (thus being 6 hours round trip), or within one hour of a relative or very close family friend. For us, it's an issue of being able to either get there ourselves or having someone else we trust get there in case of an emergency. We have family all over the place so that isn't a problem for our kids. Also....there are some schools that are very hard to get to as they are in the middle of no where. For example, DD wants to look at Washington College but it's not anywhere near anything...including a way to get to an airport, train station or bus to get home. The notion of us driving 9 hours isn't going to happen. DS looked at a school that was 9 hours away...it was a flying trip after the first drive. Sorry, the transportation thing needs to be considered by some families. Maybe that is what your parents are thinking.</p>
<p>Do you think this is about her worrying she'll never see you, or her worrying that you will be too far away if you need help for some reason? If it's the latter, is there a compromise you could reach: that you will look for schools where you have other members of extended family or close family friends? If it's the first reason, your mom might not realize how different distance "feels" these days than it used to. Most parents who went to college lived in dorms with a phone in the hall, called home once a week or every few weeks, and otherwise communicated with family by letter. My son's 3000 miles away, and between his cell phone plan with free long distance, e-mail, and instant messaging, we are in contact one way or the other more times in a week than I used to be with my parents in a month. Also, discount airlines make his trips home doable. Maybe she'd be willing to talk with parents of any friends you have who have gone farther away about how they keep in touch with their son or daughter?</p>
<p>I am/ws one of those parents who didn't/don't want my only S to be farther than 3 hrs drive away. Last year around this time I didn't think he can handle himself with his food allergies etc.</p>
<p>He has been working on us by demonstrating his ability to be independent. Now the idea of him moving thousands of miles away doesn't scare me as much.</p>
<p>Think long & hard about how you will feel so far from home. I myself, back in the day, went to college half a continent away from my home, and although it was very exciting, I also greatly envied my classmates whose families lived nearby, who could run home for a weekend, or even Thanksgiving (which I couldn't afford), or whose parents could come and take them out to dinner, or shopping, or whatever. And although my parents managed to fly out for one or two visits during my college career, basically it all happened without their really seeing much of it, which made me kind of sad because I loved them and they were paying for it and very proud of my attending this renowned school. They never complained, but I am sure it was at least as hard for them, if not harder.</p>
<p>My own kids all went to colleges within a 2-hour radius of where I live now, and that has worked out great. My husband & I have really, truly, have never intruded on their college life and many weeks, or even sometimes a month or two, can go by without our seeing each other. But if they are in a special performance, we can be there. If they are really upset by something, we can take them out for comfort food. They can get home not only for school breaks, but also for special family occasions in between breaks as they come up. At my youngest daughter's school late in her freshman year, the dining hall & maintenance staff went on strike, and I lived close enough to load up my car with groceries and drive down with enough Kraft mac & cheese, tuna, yogurt, chips, cereal, milk, soup, fruit, and juice to keep her and her suitemates from starving. The mother of the suitemate from the other coast couldn't do that, even though I'm sure she would have loved to.</p>
<p>Am Curious, Thedad, how does D get from airport to Smith? It is a bit of an issue for us when our kids considered school off the beaten track. LA does not seem like a big deal as we can drop them off at the airport and they can easily get to a school in the city, by taxi even if necessary, but when considering some schools like Ohio University, which S's friend likes, there is really no easy way to get there. The same with some very nice LACs in the Pittsburgh area which are a good hour and a half from the airport. Taxi costs are prohibitive, there are no shuttles or buses easily available...I don't really know how the kids do it.</p>
<p>Eclipse-
Are there some personal reasons why your folks want you nearby?? I do not mean to pry, but if you have some medical or MH issues, then I can understand why your parents might have some concern if you are far away, and they might need to get to you urgently. If not, then I do think it is reasonable for them to give you some space, or at the very least, give you the flexibility to make choices that affect your future. I am sure they will want you to be happy for the next 4 years. Maybe I am weird, but I could not imagine putting geographic limits on my s. when he was looking last year. Some places he looked at were in big cities, some in small college towns. But you know, somehow students have been able to get to/from these schools for years and years-- so I don't think we need to reinvent the wheel or create a problem when there isn't one. We've driven our kids to summer college programs 5 and 8 hrs away. That can get old. When I went to college, I was 90' away from home, but cannot remember ever poppping home for a weekend, even though I did have a car after my freshman year. (Andi knows where I went to school-- I was one of those parents she mentioned above that helped her look at her concerns about the college for her son- and I am glad we were of help). My parents came up one weekend, with advance warning, to take me out for a nice dinner. And as others have mentioned, with email, cellphones, instant messaging and the like, it is remarkably easy to keep in touch. He (my s.) ended up at a school in a big city- a 2 hr plane ride away (and fortunately we have discount airlines-- he just flew home yesterday for about $60! That's cheaper than the tanks of gas it would take to drive to a closer school.) He is extremely happy at school, which in turn makes me happy. Plese help your parents understand that just because you look at a school farther away doesn't mean you will apply, and even if you apply, you then have to get in. And then you have to want to go... and so on and so on. I suspect the tighter they tie yor hands, the more you'll want to break free. But if they trust your ability to make a mature decision, the rest will fall into place. Who knows-- maybe looking at the schools farther away will get it out of your system, and you will select a school closer by. Yes, there are tons of wonderful schools in your area. You might just fall in love with one, if given the opportunity to look around...</p>