<p>Re the leak: We got a note from our meter reader today saying that we should call a plumber because we have a leak.</p>
<p>I am so sorry to read about this situation. If it is any comfort, variations on this happen a lot, and how to deal with your particular predicament depends so much on your relationship with your son, the type of people you and your son are and the extent of difficulties your son is now in. The grades, the job, the class schedule are one thing. Drugs, and drink, still another. It seems to me that the honors college, scholarship and engineering major are gone. If you can get your son to listen at all, a personal leave of absence may be in order to get this mess straightened out.</p>
<p>Blossom hit upon what crept into my mind. Maybe there is substance abuse; maybe not. Many mental health issues crop up in late adolesence/early adulthood. This young person needs a full health assessment, physical and mental.</p>
<p>Okay, worse case scenario- son flunks out of school and works....many have done it and many will...
If he is able to maintain his job to pay the rent, well, he will survive...</p>
<p>What does scholarship cover, btw- classes, housing, food, books, and what does son $$ cover- what are his expenses</p>
<p>This is one of those times where a parent has to wash her hands of the situation- if son is working he can't be that mentally unhealthy- maybe he just hates engineering and is stuck- and can't figure out how to deal with it and figures if he does go and talk to people that fact they are still giving hom scholarship $$ will be noticed with his bad grades</p>
<p>What is son paying for with his job and what does scholarship cover and what does mom submit financially to this mess?</p>
<p>As I said, worse case, he flunks out...you can't force anyone to go to college and learn...</p>
<p>I really like calmom's words of wisdom re fighting to stay emotionally close to your son without catastrophic cut offs from him even if he has to be cut free financially to learn to work and live within his own level of productivity. I also wonder if you could pursue withdrawal/leave of absence and "time out" from his college for a year, at which time he could consider applying for readmission and he could also consider taking a less killer track of courses.This way he does not entirely lose face and you convey that he may be successful at his next attempt at college. But some things have to change for him to be a college student success story, and at the moment the problem is not defined. Problem definition is hard when you are shut out of information. Maybe he couldn't even tell you why now.</p>
<p>He is indeed suffering I am sure from the blunders of freshman year and avoiding that confrontation with "blowing it". Some guys invovled with a 21 year old woman in freshman year are also going to lose their focus entirely until more maturity takes place. Talk to him about birth control again. Engineering is not for those who are unformed and uncertain and even kicks ** with kids who are laser focused. Mominva is correct that a health and mental health assessment could be important/elucidating at his age but you could also be dealing with fall out from family conflict issues that could use review and reframing now. Offer to pay for counseling in a setting that has sliding fees and tell him he will have confidentiality and that you would like to be invited in after he has sorted out what he thinks is going on. Tell him you will join in when he asks and you will listen.</p>
<p>i am not sure why mental health counseling is being pushed to the degree it is, as if being a flake or irresponsible or chicken is some kind of disorder</p>
<p>I see more a kid who is embarrassed he made a bad choice by living with this woman, who skipped classes most likely, and doesn't like engineering probably</p>
<p>I think he needs more counseling in financial management, career and college goals work</p>
<p>It is interesting that we jump to mentally unwell when the kid is being a flake...not everything needs counseling...what would that accomplish, my bet would be that mom is too involved, that he didn't tell her the situation he was in because he thought he could handle it, he was pi$)#(d his girlfriend moved out and his dorm was sucky....sure, have him talk to someone, but i just don't see this as a mental health issue alone, more of a character issue....</p>
<p>Has anyone asked OP son if he still wants to do engineering? or if he feels trapped in that line of education</p>
<p>he may be doing drugs...but the clue to that is that he is thin and stressed...big leap</p>
<p>there are a whole lot of issues here, and I think to tell son, I am dragging you in for a mental health screening because you aren't talking to me and aren't doing well in classes...you can't make him go, he hasn't hurt himself, what are you going to do...</p>
<p>Haven't read through all the posts so hope this in on target. I support the counseling as in school counseling center. These people tend to be very good at helping a student look at their options and develop a course of action. Counseling doesn't have to mean a mental health issue.</p>
<p>CGM,
One of the hallmarks to bipolar disorder is the impulsiveness in the manic phase, without regard/concern for consequences. Persoonality changes are often the first symptom of brain tumors. This boy has had a complete reversal. And there is a concern for possible substance abuse. I would not feel comfortable, as his parent, without a complete evaluation.</p>
<p>Lot's of scholarships are contingent upon a 3.5 gpa or better. My D has two friends from her graduating class whose full scholarships are contingent upon just that, and believe me, they are pedaling as fast as they can to maintain it.</p>
<p>I agree with mominva totally, and think that the OP does not have enough of a handle on the problem yet. Bipolar illness emerges in this age bracket as do other vulnerabililties and I personally know two bipolar sons who suicided and have a 22 year old stepsister who suicided after what she perceived to be Failure in college and romance. Depression should always be checked into and communication chances should be offered by parents repeatedly. Perhaps there are simply immaturity issues or old family conflicts that are impeding things. The staff at his college counseling office is well trained in academic failure and ferretting out cause. The mother does not know the cause and is chasing down the symptoms so I say it is time for a professional if he will agree to meetings. Most people who come to counseling sessions don't have the problem defined..that takes a little work. If they could explain their problem clearly, they wouldn't be in counseling in the first place but confusion can be a part of life that leads to insight later. through a glass darkly and then face to face-- a universal experience as we grow up and wade through tough times</p>
<p>CGM
[quote]
he may be doing drugs...but the clue to that is that he is thin and stressed...big leap
[quote]
</p>
<p>Um, no it's not a big leap. It's being realistic. Personality change, avoidance, failing grades, weight loss etc. You may want to check out warning signs of drug abuse in young adults. These are all hallmarks or drug abuse and/or the onset of a personality disorder. As a parent I would want to rule these out before anything else.</p>
<p>One doesn't have to lose weight or seem stressed to have a drug problem. When I was in the military, I worked with a psychiatrist who was known for his calmness. He was normal weight. He also was surrounded by mental health professionals in the substance abuse field. I was one of them.</p>
<p>None of us knew he had a drug problem until he was suddenly arrested for abusing drugs.</p>
<p>There are lots of indications that the OP's S may be on drugs. The major decrease in grades, the lying, etc. Based on what she has written thus far, I don't see a reason for his working 25 hours a week (if indeed he's not lying about this) if he's on full scholarship. He could, however, be using the $ to buy drugs. </p>
<p>As for the idea that he may need career counseling, etc. My husband and I and my older S's college thought the same when he got a horrendous gpa despite being one of their top freshmen. The college arranged for him to get financial planning help and other things to no avail. Two years later, when I accidentally found his blog, I learned that his problems were due to heavy partying, which included drinking heavily.</p>
<p>Prior to college, he had been a homebody who looked down at classmates and others who drank underage, etc. He made a drastic change in college. Of course, he didn't tell his dad and me this. His blog -- complete with partying pictures of him -- is how we learned the truth.</p>
<p>Of course, I don't know what's going on with the OP's S, but I believe that she should not rule out the possibility of drugs being his problem. She also shouldn't rule out the possibility that he's not working. I remember a very similar situation on another on-line college board. It ended up that the student was no longer going to class or working, but was partying and spending lots of time with her loser boyfriend who apparently had convinced her that college was a waste of time.</p>
<p>bipolar or a drug addict
the kid met a girl, got a job, played like he was a grownup and neglected his school work...and that is somehow seen as bipolar?</p>
<p>has anyone never known someone who was just stupid...someone who met a girl and let things slide...flunked in school cause it was too hard....got stuck in a program they hated and just quit?</p>
<p>and want to bet they weren't mentally ill, just stupid, lazy, infatuated, and immature</p>
<p>He lied- sure he lied, people lie all the time- that does not mean he is bipolar...he lied to cover up his mess ups which escalated becuase of the girl...</p>
<p>He avoided his mom, yeah, no kid ever does that</p>
<p>He MAY be partying in college, that is a shocker</p>
<p>the money needed- could be for rent, food- how much is he making, what is the job- </p>
<p>ALL of his "symptoms" are very typical of irresponsible young adult out in the world for the first time...</p>
<p>ever read about the innocent amish kids who go out into the world- many drink, have sex, drive dui, go a bit wild- </p>
<p>it just amazes me how quick we are to assume a mental disorder when it good be going wild cause he can</p>
<p>does it occur to anyone that this kid is not ready for college?</p>
<p>that he is hiding and lying to mom to cover his mess ups</p>
<p>that the money is for rent, which op mentioned</p>
<p>that he hates engineering</p>
<p>that this relationship with the woman took over his life</p>
<p>that he got so far behind, he couldn't catch up</p>
<p>that he wasn't hiding from mom, that he wasn't home</p>
<p>he is functioning, and he is not doing what tens of thousands of people do every year, fail at something and survive it</p>
<p>why that automatically is drugs or bipolor or a brain tumor, wow</p>
<p>When I was younger, I messed up, and lied, and hid stuff from mom and dad...lots of kids did, sometimes a really immature person continues that for a lot longer</p>
<p>does no one think this kid could just a bum? look around you, people live different lives all the time...this isn't a sudden change...he struggled academically all year, and then got a girlfriend, and apartment and a job...his priorities changed....does that make some one sick...not necessarily....</p>
<p>Citygirlsmom,
Sure, he could be a "bum," but as is the case with many of the bums who are on the street, drug use or alcohol abuse could be involved.</p>
<p>When I was in college, virtually everyone whom I met who tanked in the way that the OP's S appears to be doing had a partying or drug or alcohol problem. The same was true of when I taught college. </p>
<p>It's also fairly unusual for a previously strong student to tank in the way that the OP's S is doing unless there's something more than having an older girlfriend that's the reason.</p>
<p>he was a strong student in HS, not in college...and yes he could be doing drugs or drinking, or he could have gotten in such a mess, he can't get out</p>
<p>okay, here is a scenario</p>
<p>struggles with classes- just getting by
meets babe
misses more classes cause of babe
moves off campus
is working
still with babe, who he drives around and hangs out with
grades suffer more
tries to salvage with summer school
semi succeeds
school starts, but is still behind</p>
<p>not every kids failure is college is booze or drug related</p>
<p>we have kids on this site who HATE where they are....one said he just doesn't want to try so can't focus on classes, etc...should we blame drugs for that?</p>
<p>you have kids that were under so much pressure in HS,who suddenly are thrown into a lions den of a really difficult schedule, a bad dorm, workng and having to be an almost perfect student right off the bat...and under that pressure, those standards, only being able to stay in school if you are almost perfect , well it was too hard...</p>
<p>being told to come home to mommy, do well or we take back car, be perfecto lose it all, get a C and its all over</p>
<p>its amazing he is still functioning..</p>
<p>We don't know whether booze or drugs is involved with the OP's S just like we don't know if the students who post that they hate their college, etc. also are involved with booze or drugs.</p>
<p>What we do know is that lots of students use drugs and abuse alcohol. In probably many cases, this behavior leads to grade problems and poor judgment. Just because a student posts here about college problems and doesn't mention a drug or alcohol problem doesn't mean that drugs and/or alcohol aren't a big part of the student's academic difficulties or unhappiness.</p>
<p>Northstarmom ... my son messed up with his classes, fell behind, couldn't fix it, and hid things from me.... and he was not and never was a "bum"... he was just a kid who messed up with some classes, went into denial for a reason, and was embarrassed to let his parents know what was going on. I am sure he was drinking and partying a lot at college, but my son does not have a drinking or drug abuse problem. </p>
<p>I know nothing about the OP's son, but I agree with citygirlsmom that it a big leap to assume a substance abuse problem or mental illness is behind the fall from grace. I posted before -- its fairly easy to check to confirm his employment. </p>
<p>I don't think it is particularly helpful for a parent to jump to conclusions and make a lot of accusations. It does make sense to be observant and to be willing to listen, if and when the kid is ready to open up.</p>
<p>"Northstarmom ... my son messed up with his classes, fell behind, couldn't fix it, and hid things from me.... and he was not and never was a "bum"... he was just a kid who messed up with some classes, went into denial for a reason, and was embarrassed to let his parents know what was going on. I am sure he was drinking and partying a lot at college, but my son does not have a drinking or drug abuse problem. ""</p>
<p>All I can say is "never say never" when it comes to ruling out whether any adult or teen has a drug or alcohol problem. </p>
<p>I am not saying that your S has that kind of problem. I am saying, however, that it can be easy to hide that kind of problem. My S sure did a great job of hiding his. </p>
<p>Just in case my other post wasn't clear, I wasn't calling anyone a bum. I was responding to the other poster who suggested that perhaps the OP's S is a bum who just didn't want to do his schoolwork. I was pointing out that lots of bums on the street have alcohol or drug problems, and the same is true of many students who run into academic difficulties in college.</p>