Advice please-Roommate from hell- already!

<p>“They need to TELL the roommate that the grace period for visits has expired, and to move the guy out. Today. Or they will take it to the authorities who certainly can enforce the rules.”</p>

<p>Exactly. Very simple. This problem is going to be fixed RAPIDLY once the college is aware of it. The roommate may cave immediately when confronted. Lots of bullies do.</p>

<p>At Harvard, it is up to the roommates to decide how to allocate suite space. Some groups do very creative things with it, like putting all the beds in one room to make silent sleeping quarters and dividing up the other rooms as social space, study space, etc. All students are charged that same flat rate for room and board. It’s not clear to me if this story is taking place at Harvard, but if so, it is SUPER important that the other young women get their feet wet in asserting themselves. They are going to miss out big time if they don’t learn to do it right away.</p>

<p>Or you can be upfront–“Hey, housing/security person- in charge, my D says there’s a homeless guy living in her suite, go check that out and do your job.”</p>

<p>The roommate with BF should get a clue too–she’s supporting a loser to her detriment. She should be telling him to go find a job! Instead of hanging around an apartment all day he should be out pounding the streets.</p>

<p>Hey, that’s an idea! Just like the mom and roomie thought they were doing the rest a favor by taking the single, they report the guy and tell the roomie and mom that they were doing THEM a favor by helping the dd dump a loser! :D</p>

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<p>Surely this would get them moving. If nothing else, the thought of liability if something bad happened should do it. I would call to let them know about “a safety problem that may have legal consequences”.</p>

<p>Marsian–“a safety problem that may have legal consequences” could be a bad fire extinguisher…I think “homeless guy” is better!</p>

<p>The amount of wild speculation and outright hysteria on this thread astonishes me. She’s a liar! (If anything, she seems upfront to a fault.) He’s a loser! He’s a rapist! He’s a murderer!</p>

<p>The rest of the girls need to talk to their roommate. That’s the bottom line. They need to come to an agreement amongst themselves that they can all live with, because someday THEY will also have a friend–male of female–that they want to have stay overnight. Or something else. And also because that is what grownups do.</p>

<p>There will inevitably be other things that they have to come to some agreement about as a group: decoration, cleaning, parties, visitors, sharing fridge space…you name it. If they start off by going straight to “the authorities,” their chances of establishing a pattern for future harmony are not good. </p>

<p>Does this mean that they have to tolerate single-hogging and unacceptably extended visits from this BF (or any other), or kowtow to the strongest personality? Of course not.</p>

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<p>The term just began. Besides, did you miss where I mentioned that a guy lived with a girl in my dorm (at a prominent women’s college, no less) for several YEARS?? None of us cared one little bit. And the dorm was not huge: probably about 140 students. And there was an adult head of house and family in residence.</p>

<p>Consolation–the guy is not a student and is living there. This is on-campus housing not a private house. He does not belong in any way, shape or form. That is not wild speculation. He could be a nice kid but that doesn’t matter–the suite is not considered living quarters for non-students no matter how you cut it.</p>

<p>I agree that he does not belong there, gouf, and I have stated that repeatedly. HOW one goes about removing him is another matter. These girls need to learn how to deal rationally with disagreement NOW.</p>

<p>Good grief, just have a simple meeting with all the suitemates. Show the girl the written policy. Tell her the BF needs to be gone in either 24 or 48 hours, choose one. My kid’s college has a 3-day limit on overnight visitors with roommates’ permission. The rest of their policy is:</p>

<p>“It is very important that students be considerate of their roommate and residence community. Students who wish to have guests in their room, must have the permission of their roommate. Students who feel their rights are being infringed upon have the responsibility to speak with their roommate. If the problem cannot be resolved directly, the student should talk with the Resident Assistant or Area Director.”</p>

<p>There biggest problem may not be getting him to leave now. It’s how often he will be returning for repeated 3-day visits. Every single week? So he’ll be switching from staying full weeks with his GF to half-weeks. They need to have a signed suite contract about that since that will be almost as bad as having him there full time. This is where the RA and the RA’s supervisor can help them with wording for a suite contract regarding overnight visitors and other behavior in their living space.</p>

<p>They’re all paying to live in a 4-female suite ONLY. He’s overstayed his 3-day limit already. Speak up. Who cares if she’s mad? If she creates problems afterward, the college will move HER out, not the other three girls. And yes, definitely make a written suite contract saying the single room is up for dibs again at the semester break.</p>

<p>She signed a contract with the university. That contract would have spelled out that the university rooms are only for students. So, she’s a liar. She signed a legal agreement she’s not abiding by.</p>

<p>Yes, there should have been a roommate meeting as soon as the issue came up. That doesn’t mean that Miss Imposition has any standing to negotiate. A roommate arriving with a boyfriend in tow doesn’t have the right to install him in the suite. She’s attempting to obtain services (live-in BF) she agreed with the university she wouldn’t claim.</p>

<p>It is a safety issue for every student in the dorm, whether male or female. How is he supporting himself? Theft? (in addition to squatting) Drug-dealing?</p>

<p>The roomies could propose Miss Imposition marry her live-in BF, and apply for married student housing. That would solve the problem.</p>

<p>I feel like a dinosaur asking this, but it’s okay to have guest that stay weekly for up to 3 days at a time? I can’t believe this is allowed. This isn’t a boyfriend who lives in the dorm and stays over occasionally, this is a suite crasher. </p>

<p>The girls need to address the issue directly with the dictator and her boyfriend. Kind of shocked her mother thinks this is a okay.</p>

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I’d change this to 5 or 10 minutes, choose one. No way I’d offer for him to stay more days.</p>

<p>As a dad, I can say I wouldn’t tolerate this situation. I’d have my kid make the first attempt to resolve the situation but if that didn’t work immediately, I wouldn’t hesitate to get involved in it in a situation like this (and I’ve never contacted the college throughout the college careers of both kids).</p>

<p>My kids were both 17 y/o when they first moved into the dorm. I certainly wouldn’t want them having a random male living with them illegally in their room. What an awful experience for all of these girls to put up with on their first experience of being on their own and living at college.</p>

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<p>I could not agree more.</p>

<p>I have a slightly different perspective. I don’t think neighbor D should wait for an all suite meeting, especially if there is a written visitation policy. She should tell her suitemates that she plans to confront the dictator roomate, and if they want to join in fine. But basically she needs to say how she personally feels and essentially throw a well-timed temper tantrum. Something along the lines of “I have a problem with the amount of time your BF is in the suite. He has been here for X days now, he is in the room when you are not here, he is not just visiting, he is living here. I believe our other roomates are also unhappy with this arrangement, but regardless it is a violation of our housing agreement with the college and not acceptable. I am unhappy enough to take this to our RA and to college residential life unless he is leaves today.”</p>

<p>She also needs to have the whole situation documented and written up and after the confrontation send it in an email to the RA and Res life. This is where the parents can help. Draft the email in advance and add the results after the discussion. If the results are that RM agrees BF moves out send it just as a documentation that the conversation happened. If it went poorly, write that too. Standing up for yourself is not tattling.</p>

<p>I can understand the OP’s D’s resistance to confronting the situation. This is traumatic for her because of her sister’s horrible experience so she’s apparently paralyzed with fear about what could happen. It’ really understandable for her to feel this way. On the other hand, I hope they do sort it out and that in THIS case she does get the support of the other roommates to do it together. That way she learns from her sisters’ bad experience. Unfortunately, lots of roommate situations involve some degree of unfairness and bullying or taking advantage by someone. Part of the learning experience.</p>

<p>Oh for heavens sake, this is the time to say something. Having a man living on a girls dorm is bad. All around bad. </p>

<p>If I was the parent I would call the school myself if the girls were to afraid. Period. </p>

<p>What if this guy was say 30? </p>

<p>Letting this go one more day is foolish.</p>

<p>Did I miss the statement saying this is a girl’s dorm? It’s a girls’ suite for certain. They could easily have boys living next door or across the hallway (my daughter certainly does).</p>

<p>As long as he is living there maybe he is able to receive mail. Someone send the loser a postcard stating that he has just won free rent, laundry service and home cooked meals for life. Tell him he has to show up in person to claim the prize and give him Bossy girls home address.</p>

<p>K girls dorm ROOM or SUITE…having an extra person live there is not what the parents are paying for. So even if the bully girl with the homeless bf gets cranky, so what? This is how bullies win.</p>

<p>If this was my daughter, and she was worried I would call campus security and tattle.</p>

<p>My daughter needed to get permission for her sister to spend the night, and there were only so many visit passes per school year. </p>

<p>If my daughter had to think about a man being there everytime e she woke up, got out of the shower, etc it would irk her to no end. </p>

<p>Now is the time to take action. I wouldn’t even bother with the RA, I would go directly to housing and ask why you have seven roommates instead of six and why it’s a dude…who doesn’t even go to school, there or anywhere</p>