<p>Next door neighbor's DTR arrived at her college as a first year to discover that the roommate that has ( well more like declared and dictated from the beginning including pre- discussions with the other roommates in the suite on facebook) that she would have the single room because she has a boyfriend that visits. Apparently on move in day the mother of the dictator roommate found nothing wrong with any of this. "We are accommodating you all so you dont have to look at the boyfriend all the time" was what the mother said...but not a direct quote.</p>
<p>Well the boyfriend showed up the day of move in and has not left. He stays everyday and hangs out in the suite living room. Sleeps with the girlfriend in her co-opted single room and in the daytime hangs out in the suite even when the girlfriend is not there! She and her other roommates were told the boyfriend is not attending college and has no job. My neighbor has heard me brag about the wonderful advice that fellow CC bloggers provide, so I thought I would submit this one for review and advice. Thanks for any advice you can provide!</p>
<p>My D’s dorm had a strict sign in/sign out visitor policy, strict rules about how long a visitor can stay, etc. Doesn’t this school have those kind of rules?</p>
<p>Have the other people in the suite gotten together and talked to the girl and told her that it’s not acceptable?</p>
<p>Have they talked to the RA?</p>
<p>Is there a school policy on the maximum amount of time a visitor can stay?</p>
<p>In all discussions try to stick to pertinent facts because the arguments will be stronger because they will be more focused. It’s not pertinent that he’s not attending college and has no job (although it may be pertinent that he’s not a student at this particular college). It’s not pertinent now that the girl basically forced herself into the single because the other girls allowed it. What is pertinent is how to proceed.</p>
<p>My guess is the housing contract or roommate contract has specifics on overnight guests. At my school it was no more than 3 consecutive nights and the guest needed to be with the resident at all times.</p>
<p>This girl and her suitemates need to go to the Res Life staff as this is a safety issue in my mind.</p>
<p>Missy- apparently not! Or they are asleep at the switch in terms of security. Also the RA is oblivious also or is looking the other way! And free rent for the boyfriend freeloader! And the school is in a city area. Not a major city, but a borough in a sense of a major city. Not that that means anything I guess. In my day, one would have to be CIA like to get any guest into the dorm. What a brave new world we live in now!</p>
<p>This is a delicate one. If my neighbor’s DTR goes to the RA, etc… All hell breaks loose. Meanwhile the other roommates are baffled that they were conned so easily by the dictator roommate. They are mustering up the courage to speak up as a group but are fearful of causing emotional issues so early in the school year.</p>
<p>I should add - and mathinokc you are right I will remind the neighbor to stick to pertinent facts…but for my neighbor’s DTR the older DTR went through the same also in her first year in an on-campus housing suite. All the other roommates agreed to go individually to the RA then onto campus security and the neighbor’s DTR was THE ONLY ONE THAT WENT. The other roommates backed out. The dictator girl then proceeded to steal the DTR personal items, she threw beer in her bed ,allowed guys to sleep in her bed on weekends because the DTR was so distraught she went home on weekends. That story finally had a happy ending as they suspended the dictator girl and they moved the DTR to another suite. So now they are fearful that the same will happen and I guess are looking for creative ways to solve this issue without going to authorities. My neighbor said she will tell her DTR this time that all the other roommates have to go as a group to report this girl and her freeloading boyfriend.</p>
<p>The reality is these buildings are usually pretty big and busy so the front desk staff may not notice a person who looks like they could be a student hanging around.</p>
<p>If the girl doesn’t want to go to the RA or call campus security, then I don’t know what can be done other than requesting a room change. The RAs are students too, they may not notice this guest, especially if he just stays in the suite all the time.</p>
<p>I agree with others, report it immediately to res life/RA, I am sure it violates the dorm rules (no more than 3 nights seems to be standard). The code of conduct they sign or res life agreement will be in violation and I assume the school will somehow “reprimand” this student.</p>
<p>She can go to the housing folks (not the RA) and ask for her report to be anonymous. Anyone could report this fellow’s presence.
RA’s vary- some are great, most are just there. But, the housing adults have pretty much seen it all- IME. And, though they can’t solve all problems and won’t get much involved in personality disputes, this issue is bigger than that.</p>
<p>We were spoiled with my DTR’s college as the RA checked in every day for the first week. Invited my daughter and roomates to dinner then insisted on a meeting each week one on one. Even if it was for only 5 minutes. The RA got an earful on one issue and got it solved to the mutual satisfaction of all.</p>
<p>Fearful of causing what emotional issues? Joy at getting rid of a freeloader and possibly the master manipulator roommate? Sooner the better. I don’t understand the hesitation of the group to be upfront with their roommate and if no satisfaction, go speak to the RA. They’ve done nothing wrong.
The boy can go back and live with the roommate’s mother–she sounds like she knew he’d be there on a permanent basis with her D.<br>
(If all else fails, give him a toilet bowl brush and vaccuum and tell him to get to work.)</p>
<p>Cross posted with your info on what had happened to older D. But really, are they afraid of her? Is she crazy or just wants her BF there? Going to housing is the best bet–tell them the situation and request a room change.</p>
<p>Your neighbors daughter and fellow roommates need to man up and have a talk to their problem roommate. </p>
<p>"They are mustering up the courage to speak up as a group but are fearful of causing emotional issues so early in the school year. "</p>
<p>This is not a good excuse. </p>
<p>Talking to her face to face about this issue is the adult thing to do. If she still resists THEN go to the RA. Going to the RA 1st behind the roommates back is sneaky and manipulative IMO.</p>
<p>This is a fabulous opportunity for these girls to learn how not to be taken advantage of. If everyone is of a like mind, then go as a group to the RA to avoid the situation the older dd experienced. And do it now. There’s no reason to expect that this will get any better.</p>
<p>X-posted with Wdy: Have they discussed this with the roommate already?</p>
<p>I think you have gotten some great advice to share with your neighbor. I agree that it is wrong for the guy to spend so much time at their dorm. Maybe have the girls start with something small- like not allowing the guy to be in the dorm when his bossy GF is not around. And how is this guy entering the dorm building without a key/key card. I would guess that bossy GF gave him hers and she simply calls for someone to let her in building entrance.</p>
<p>What I would do ASAP is get on the top of the list for room transfer for 2nd semester.</p>
<p>Eventually, one of the other girls might want to have a firend visit for a few days, and would like that friend to be able to hang out in the suite while she’s at class, use her key, etc.</p>
<p>I would not lay down the law on things like this without thinking through whether one would want such rules to be applied universally.</p>
<p>This does not stop them from asking the girl in the single HOW LONG her boyfriend is planning to stay, and making it clear that they accept the idea of a visit, not permanent residence. </p>
<p>I must say that in pracical terms I think they are lucky that this girl has the single. If not, someone would be sexiled every night.</p>
<p>Some actual backbone is required to resolve an issue like this… she can only be treated like a doormat in this situation if she continues to allow it. Steps that make sense would be:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Talk with the roommate as a group if she can get her other roommates to participate. Indicate that the BF is not an actual roommate, and isn’t welcome as often as he has been around. If there are actual dorm rules (most colleges have a limit on overnight guests), she should quote them. Also, she should tell the roommate that at the semester break they will draw lots among the remaining roommates on who gets the single for second semester, as it was not fairly allocated for the first semester. If the other roommates won’t participate, do it by herself if she has to.</p></li>
<li><p>If this does not work, go to the RA (with or without the other roommates). I can tell you that the RA will want to know if they tried to talk to the “bad” roommate already, so they really need to do step 1 first. But the RA will not help if no one asks!!</p></li>
<li><p>If the RA does not help, go over their head to the person they report to. At D1’s college, that role is filled by a CA (who has a group of RA’s under them). Guessing that will probably take care of it if it is not resolved earlier.</p></li>
<li><p>If steps 1-3 fail, either have a parent call the housing department, or ask for a room transfer (or both). Most colleges will not put up with this if they know about it. Also… if faced with pressure from multiple roommates, sometimes the offender will transfer out to another room.</p></li>
</ol>