Advice please-Roommate from hell- already!

Parents Forum
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<p>^ I agree. DS was in a non-similar but extremely dangerous and disruptive situation last year. He tried to handle it himself, but the situation escalated and the results were not fast or comprehensive enough. Going to the RA was fruitless because, as it turned out, she was in on it and chose to ignore the 24/7 illegal activity. Roommate contracts are useless when you are dealing with someone who does not share your ethics, breaking rules is simply not an issue for some. This girl knows she is breaking the rules so breaking a contract means nothing, she will do it until someone stops her. I finally intervened and with one call to the director of housing a plan of action was formed which included the dean, provost and campus police. Honors dorm, so don’t think it can’t happen anywhere at any school.</p>

<p>I understand things happen in the real world, but the stress of the situation caused DS to take a hit grade-wise, recoverable, but nonetheless unnecessary. As a scholarship student there is not much room for error. Although DS learned a lot from the experience I regret that we didn’t intervene sooner.</p>

<p>I think administration hears so much drama on all levels, hard for them to investigate and discern normal roomie drama from what may be much more.</p>

<p>She’s there to learn, period. This will affect that. Make the call.</p>

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<p>I frankly don’t see how they can work it out amicably with this girl. You can negotiate with someone who wants to get along.If they don’t want to get along, then you are wasting your breath, and potentially opening yourself up to even worse behavior. If they “negotiate” the girl can and probably will try to turn it around that the other girls bullied her. I would tell them to go immediately to professionals in charge - either head resident type dorm director or housing office. If they need to call security, then so be it.</p>

<p>Why would someone be afraid to speak up? I totally get this. I had a bully for a semester as a roommate. I was locked out when her out of town boyfriend showed up. I didn’t speak up when another guy was in the room in her bed and they woke me in the middle of the night. I was raised to not make waves, and I did not know how to speak up - really. I finally lost it completely and started screaming at her when she rearranged the furniture so that I couldn’t even get in or out of bed. That did get her attention. She really did not care that I was angry, she was just upset that it made her look bad to the rest of the floor. She did not care a single bit that she took advantage of me. I am sorry that I did not ask to move out sooner. There is a big difference to negotiating things like whether there are quiet hours in the room or who took someone’s carton of milk, and those who completely monopolize the space without regard to others. </p>

<p>I would like to say that I no longer have the problem of not speaking up, but it is not completely true. In certain situations I still find myself biting my tongue when I probably should say something, but it happens less and less.</p>

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<p>Poetgrl asked : I’m confused. Is this boy a student at the school? Does he have his own room?</p>

<p>No he is not a student!- He is umemployed and basically has moved in with the girlfriend into the dorm. I told my neighbor about some of the wonderfull CC posts and they are mulling all of this over. I think they are like deer in the headlights that this happened again to one of their kids. She did tell me that the daughter said something to the effect that it was " brilliant that he moved in the first day with the rest of the kids as security seems to think he is a student"</p>

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<p>What are they “mulling” over? Seems like this has already gone on way too long.</p>

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<p>Agree. The mother & the daughter have a clever scheme for the kids to live together (I presume as a freshman the D is required to live in the dorm.) Time to end their little party.</p>

<p>Hey, tell us the name of the dorm and room # and one of us will be happy to squeal. Then the D has plausible deniability. :D</p>

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<p>If they are “mulling it over” they aren’t doing anything.</p>

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<p>Even though I think the girls should try to handle it themselves before taking it up the line, I would agree that they ought to have addressed it by now. Sounds like they need coaching. Maybe they should just go the the RA and ask him or her to facilitate. If I were the parent, I think that’s what I would do at this point if my kid were unhappy with the situation.</p>

<p>Either that, or the guy’s presence doesn’t bother them as much as parents here think it ought to.</p>

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<p>At this point, either the daughter and her parents are complete cowards or they like the drama, and enjoy acting like they’ve been “victimized” - who knows how much of this one-sided story we’ve heard is actually true (a whole group of adult american women acting this way is a bit unrealistic imo). It wouldn’t suprise me at all if she is just a drama queen, and overexaggerated a 3 night stay and occasional day visits at this point - after all school just started when the OP was written. </p>

<p>Even if the story were mostly true, I put 95% of the blame onto your neighbor’s daughter for her own discomfort. If she really cared she would have at least spoken to her “tyrant” roommate by now. </p>

<p>I have zero sympathy, and actually will feel bad for the “tyrant” roommate when the rug is pulled out from under her without a moment’s notice for behavior she was lead to believe was acceptable through her roommate’s silence and acceptance.</p>

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<p>Agree with the last few posts.Either this is a problem or it’s not. If it is, either the daughter or her parents need to do something or quit complaining about it.</p>

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<p>Wow. There’s not a thing to mull on this one. You’d think that, especially with their past experiences, the parents would jump on this one to nip it in the bud right away.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, I wonder what the D and her decent roomies are doing? Nothing?</p>

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<p>“who knows how much of this one-sided story we’ve heard is actually true”.</p>

<p>This has been my contention from the beginning. If you had a daughter starting college, what are the chances that you would be encouraging her unemployed and apparently homeless boyfriend to move into the dorm with her? Pretty slim - it would be your opportunity to have said daughter broaden her horizons. Further, one can believe that one suite mate and her parents might be reluctant to speak up (maybe). But are we honestly to believe that 4 other young women AND 4 sets of parents are also sitting back and just “mulling” this ridiculous situation over. Further not one RA has noticed anything, and this boyfriend is sneaking into the dining hall for meals, and in and out of this dorm with no one taking notice. Sorry, but when you look at the totality of the alleged circumstances, it is a bit too much swallow.<br>
I agree that it is probably a lot of drama about a 3 night stay. Or Songman’s neighbor is having a bit of fun with her!</p>

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<p>I do not find this story so far-fetched. In my daughter’s eight-woman suite freshman year, one of the girls had a boyfriend who spent much of the year there. I do not remember the specifics, but the girl involved was a total bully and I do not remember how she skirted around the number of nights a guest could stay, but she managed.</p>

<p>As 40 or 50-something women, it is a little easier to sit back and imagine what we would say or do, but these young women do not want to make waves and are probably just hoping the problem will go away. If you really tick off a person who so easily manipulates the others, who knows what the reaction will be.</p>

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<p>Jeez, this thread is only 2 days old and the OP is not the parent of the student in question. This is real life, not a tv show. As annoying and obvious as kicking the guy out seems to all of us, sometimes things are just a bit more complicated IRL.</p>

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<p>You have a point, MD Mom, but it is 1 vs 3 or 4. If they really find his presence intolerable, they could gang up on her and that would be that. They can’t ALL be shrinking violets! :)</p>

<p>My guess is that the girls aren’t really upset about it. The neighbor probably is.</p>

<p>BTW, I don’t recall ever being aware of any rules about how many nights friends could stay in our dorms. The extreme example was, of course, my friend whose BF lived with her for several years, which I can only assume the houseparents chose to turn a blind eye to, but periodically various people would have a friend who crashed for a week or whatever. I never heard people complain. Of course, we generally had singles after freshman year, so it was quite possible to have long term guests who didn’t impinge significantly on others.</p>

<p>kathiep< I had the perhaps-incorrect impression that the situation had been going on for at least a week. Don’t many schools start in August?</p>

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<p>Agreed MD Mom, but you called the “building director” when some odd things were going on in your daughters suite. Here we have a ridiculously outrageous situation and are supposed to believe that 4 or 6(?) sets of parents are sitting around “mulling” it over. IMO we don’t have all the facts here.</p>

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<p>Op, I haven’t read the other posts, so I apologize if I am repeating what others have said.</p>

<p>First, I understand the girl’s nervousness in confronting this roommate. Many/most girls are emotionally bullied starting in middle school and they learn to find ways to protect themselves, usually by lying low, being nonconfrontational, or other methods. As the girls grow, the bullying slows down as the bullies mature and/or the other girls learn to stick up for themselves more. </p>

<p>You said that all of the other suitemates are in agreement. If so, then this will be a good time for the girls to try to stick up for themselves against the emotional bully. First, the other girls should talk with each other in detail to what is upseting each one of them. They talk about what is bothering them and why. If they find that they have a consensus, they can vow to support each other.</p>

<p>Then, as a group, they talk to the bully, in a non-confrontational way. How it makes them uncomfortable when BF is there even without Bully, when they just want to relax in their own room and unwind. Each of the group members should make a comment so that bully can’t just start fighting back at 1 roomie. The other roomies need to contribute so that it is not just one roomie confronting the bully. It would be best not to attack each other, but to let bully know how it makes each of roomie feel. Then let bully have time to talk so that she can feel heard. Then work out some sort of arrangement. Maybe BF only in bully’s room, not common room; maybe only 4 days per week, etc.</p>

<p>It’s better to for them to work this out at their level rather than getting the RA or the housing office involved first. 1. They will learn conflict resolution, which is an important skill. 2. Better to work out rules that fit their situtation, rather than whatever the RA or housing office “hands down”. At work, if you are having problems with a supervisor, it’s better to work it out with the supervisor, rather than immediately going to your supervior’s boss.</p>

<p>If they cannot work out a resolution that works as a compromise for all, then escalate it to the RA level, who can act as mediator.</p>

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<p>I think oh he can live here four days a week is too much. Seriously. The bully wins.</p>

<p>Stays in e room. Don’t see it happening, he isn’t a cat. He’s an adult male who is paying nothing to live in a college dorm. </p>

<p>No college would accept this. Period. And don’t dilly dally with meeting and going through so escort of process. The roommate doesn’t care. She needs to be told not negotiatedwith.</p>

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<p>They need to come up with rules that all can live with and might affect the each of the other roomies in the future. What if another roomie gets a BF in the future and wants him to stay over occasionally or often? What about old HS friends that want to stay? This is a good time to discuss some ground rules. If people start setting up ultimatums from the beginning, it will become a huge aggressive and defensive battle.</p>

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<p>My previous suggestion (roommate should pretend she never saw him before, call 911/security and report an intruder/molester/rapist!) was supposed to be a joke. Forgot the ;)</p>

<p>A few more “suggestions” ;)–when the roommates “hear” the couple, they gather in the living area, make loud sound effects and laugh hysterically. Every. Time.</p>

<p>Roommates start walking around naked in the suite. When the GF isn’t around, they ask BF to join a foursome. (Get some ropes. Offer to tie him up and fulfill his dreams.)</p>

<p>Each roommate (randomly, separately, daily) takes photos of him with her cell phone. If he asks why, each girl says, “No reason…I just want to remember my freshman year.” When GF isn’t there, talk to him-- A LOT. Ask really personal questions. Creep him out. Each roommate posts on FB that she is “in a relationship” with HIM.</p>

<p>Roommates form a prayer group and meet in the suite when couple is there. Pray for the couple by name, that they will abandon their sinful ways. Sing hymns.</p>

<p>One roommate tells him privately that his GF asked her for advice on how to break up with him because she’s interested in someone else. . ." you know, someone who’s really going somewhere, who has a plan for his life. But she wants to let you down easy because she pities you. . ." </p>

<p>Roommate tells him that she has lice. “OMG, my head itches SO bad–my little sister had them just before I left and I thought I was safe. . .” (flu, strep, etc.)</p>

<p>(If previous posters don’t believe that there are crazy moms out there that would help their D’s bf move in and think it’s OK–you probably haven’t met that many moms.
One of my relatives even had her d’s bf move into her house/d’s bedroom during high school. Helped him buy a car. Her rationale was that she wanted her D “to
enjoy sex with someone she loved in a safe place.” And that was before he got her D pregnant. . .)</p>

<p>My roommate’s BF moved in with us for most of a school year–in a small dorm room–three of us in bunk beds. . . I chose the roommate and the guy was a friend of mine, but I still didn’t like it-- it was awkward. (I would ask him to turn around when I was changing). I felt imposed upon, but didn’t want to make a scene. Or be uncool or a prude. I can easily understand new freshman being “unassertive” in this situation. And parents want their kids to “be adults” and don’t want to be called “helicopter parents.”</p>

<p>Refer to the housing contract and follow the rules, report those who are breaking them. No negotiation necessary. Nothing personal.</p>

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<p>I have to ask: did you ever go to college? Live in a dorm? Because this just doesn’t reflect reality, as several of us have testified.</p>