<p>What can a parent do or say without backing you into a corner if they feel you could be making a mistake with regards to getting back together with a bf. My D's ex wants her back and has been making alot of promises. She is not sure and I am afraid this guy is just going to wear her down. I have talked to her and reminded her of the reasons she left him in the first place(momma boy, jealous, controlling, etc). She is only 17 he is 19. She will be going to a college about an hour from him in the fall. I know I have to let her make her own decision but if there is anything I can do or say to really make her thingk about what she truly wants and not just what wont hurt his feelings that would be great. I also know I cant back her into a corner. She is the type of girl who has some trouble hurting someone or having someone mad at them.</p>
<p>Tell her if she really thinks she can spend her whole life with this guy ( and then if she says it'en not permanent) then say don't aste your time with him if he's not worth anything...</p>
<p>I understand your concern, but your daughter is well old enough to decide what she wants for herself. It seems like you've already reminded her about why she broke up with him to begin with, and there's not much else you do can except to tell her to think really hard about it and not let him pressure her into anything.</p>
<p>"I know I have to let her make her own decision but if there is anything I can do or say to really make her thingk about what she truly wants and not just what wont hurt his feelings that would be great."</p>
<p>nope.</p>
<p>I think the best advice so far is asking him if this is the guy she wants to marry. That is the route I will take because I know what the answer will be. I just got a cell bill and on it was 71 test messeges that he went back and forth with her at school. They were in a two hour period. That day she was crying in school. He needs to go and I am putting my foot down,</p>
<p>I'm a parent too and have only sons, so I don't know how much help I am. </p>
<p>I can vaguely remember being a teenaged girl though! There's nothing you can do to force the issue, that may just trigger a backlash. </p>
<p>If she's afraid of hurting people or saying "no", it's her self-esteem that needs work. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and refusing to be manipulated, even if, especially if, that requires being quite tough on the person who is pushing you. He's responsible for his own emotions...if she breaks up with him in and he's hurt, well, that's the way it goes, we've all experienced disappointment and rejection and we have to suck it up and accept it. </p>
<p>I'd try to focus on propping her up...making sure she understands that she deserves far better than what he has to offer and doesn't have to give in to manipulation. She'll be at college in the fall and exposed to a lot of new guys, the chances of their relationship hanging in there if he's a jerk are slim...as long as she feels confident that SHE chooses who she wants to be with, deserves to be happy and with a guy who respects her and treats her well and doesn't owe this current guy anything just because he claims to be hurt that she doesn't want him anymore.</p>
<p>Oh, and does she understand that if a BF is jealous and controlling and uses guilt and manipulation tactics, he doesn't love her or even really care about her? People who do that care only for themselves and the partner is just a prop...could be easily interchanged for any other person willing to put up with it. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, I know many grown women who don't understand that concept. The sooner she gets that, the better off she'll be and the better quality relationships she'll have. If she hasn't figured that out yet (and at her age that would be rare!)...try to help her understand that. Someone who loves you doesn't want to see you feel bad, even when you are breaking up with them.</p>
<p>thanks, thats good advice. The only thing is I don't want to wait for for her to make the decision because he has bee manifpulating her for too long. I practically blew a fuse when I saw that he had been texting her and upsetting her at school and just befor she was about to go on the trip of a life time.</p>
<p>well, even though i'm a teenager, i'd say that as her parent you're perfectly within your rights to disable texting (if there's a way to do that...). or to make her pay for her texts. or even to not let her take her phone to school.
i only mention the last one because way back in the day when my mom found out i was sneaking my gigapets to school, she made me give them to her in the mornings. besides, there are so many cell phones around that if she NEEDS to get in touch with somebody (ie, you), she can, and vice versa. the problem is that phones are so much more than phones these days.</p>
<p>as to the relationship issue... i'm friends with a high school junior who is in a relationship with one of my guy friends (my age). so again, 17 and 19 years old. she has a very solid head on her shoulders: one of the most mature people i've ever met. he, however, while friendly and lovable, is very immature and manipulative when it comes to their relationship. my friend group tried to point this out to her, to no avail. we said that he was using her, depending on her for too much while he's away from home and she's dealing with SATs and AP tests. we said he's too much of a strain on her for either of their own good. but they love each other. it took several months and a few breakups on his part for her to get the message, and she's finally taking a stand and waiting for him to change, before she'll let him come crawling back to her.
we support her in this, and i've been saying for a long time that this would be the best idea. however, change has to come from within. raising a teenager should have taught you this in regards to ANY issue! we don't like to change because someone tells us we ought, even if it's a parent, even if it's a friend who cares. we can't see outside ourselves (generalized statement, of course). and as above posters have mentioned, this is not a problem exclusive to teenagers.
basically, i'd say all you can do is ride it out and hope that in the fall, she'll be able to reprioritize when she no longer sees him every day. maybe she'll encounter some decent guys who can show her what a boyfriend SHOULD be ;)</p>
<p>I also think that there's only so much you can do. I myself was in a relationship with someone controlling and manipulative at one point, and though some of my friends tried to point it out to me, I only became more defensive (though granted, my other friends, who I trusted more but knew less about what was going on, kept telling me to work it out instead of dump him). I had to somewhat realize it myself. The only advice I can give is that you should point out evidence, but don't be judgemental. And if she doesn't follow your advice and goes ahead and becomes hurt for it, give her all your support and don't do the "I told you so" thing. She would have learned her lesson by then and will need people who really love her to stand by her while she heals.</p>
<p>And I agree that once she goes to college and meet more people, she might (hopefully) have a wake-up call and realize that she can do better and doesn't need this boy around.</p>
<p>That is probably not the help you were looking for, but it's the best I have.</p>
<p>This is kind of sneaky, but do you have a good rapport with her friends and know if they dislike this guy?</p>
<p>I ask this because my best friend was in a horribly emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years. I don't think her parents knew the full extent of what a horrible guy this person was, but they knew enough to hate him. Her parents are like my 2nd parents and they are close with many of my best friend's other friends. In the end, we led a united front against this guy as her parents did not have the power at that point to ban him from her life. We were all very supportive of my bf but as harsh as possible with her boyfriend.</p>
<p>And thankfully it ended despite them going to the same school. Even more thankfully that she got out of it when she did. A few weeks ago at his frat party, this guy was caught slipping the date rape drug into some girl's drink. That could have been my best friend had we all not stressed what a horrible person this guy was. </p>
<p>I'm not saying this was the ideal situation or that it could work for you. It was very sneaky of both my group of friend and myself as well as her parents as we would "tattle" on the boyfriend regularly, and we all could have easily lost my best friend's trust. However, in this case, her mental health and safety were more important.</p>
<p>I have talked to her best friend and she agrees he needs to go. The thing is when shes with a group of her friends shes happy smiling laughing then he shows up and the mood changes and her friend says its akward. Her firend tells her to do what makes her happy. But does not really tell her to leave the bf,</p>
<p>He is gone. She came to the decision after he told her he wanted something more serious with her like they had before. She told him no only casual dating. Doesn't want a serious bf before going waway to college. Yipee</p>