<p>My D finally had broken it off with bf who was away at college. She seemed to have moved on and was actually starting to enjoy herself and seemed happier. Well once he got wind of her going out he started telling her that if she dated so and so it would be completely over he would never talk to her again etc. He knows she is sensetive and played it up to the max. The height was the day before she was to leave for a school trip to Costa Rica he texted her 39 times at school. Well long story short she agreed that they would talk when she got back. He mad all kinds of promises how things will be differnet etc. She agreed they could "hang out" once in awhile and see how it goes. To put it mildly no one her is happy with this. We want him out of the picture. I have talked to her to know end and know if I push her into a corner it will be a disaster. I am hoping she will realize he is not right for her, but I don't want her whole summer dragged out with this. Short of forbidding this what can I do? He is jealous, obsessive, has a mom from hell and controlling.</p>
<p>You can only step back and let her figure it out for herself.</p>
<p>I have been in the same situation you are now, be patience, and time heals every single soul. We are still dealing with a boy that can’t get over it and move on, but I found out that the best I can do, it's just ignore him (thanks to the advices of the CC friends).</p>
<p>Sounds like a potentially dangerous situation, or at least a very emotionally draining one. I think you're right about backing her into a corner. Maybe one approach would be for your D to begin to answer his texts sporadically and somewhat politely, not giving away much personal information. Like "oh, how are you, I'm great, sorry gotta go take a shower/to the store/finish a paper...so sorry, talk later" kind of thing. If she was not drawn into 'discussions' with him, but seemed genuinely busy and not dismissive, he might just slowly lose interest. He seems to enjoy having control over her, even at a distance. He would have little fuel to get upset over if she didn't rise to his bait. My adult sister had a long-distance relationship that she had to let go of, and had to do so gradually without upsetting the man. She did it that way...just made her contact more and more spaced out and gradually more impersonal until the man gave up. It took a while, but it worked. Good luck!</p>
<p>A darling friend of ours was in this situation, got pregnant, and is now having to deal with this <em>boy</em> as an irresponsible, controlling father. He takes her to court all the time. Her son now has a half-sibling, too - a year younger! I think he married the second girl finally.</p>
<p>It wasn't until after she was pregnant that her parents learned how controlling he was. She was somewhat shy and "obedient" and did not have the social skills to extricate herself. They are just glad she got out when she did. She moved home and had her parents to help her deal with his manipulation.</p>
<p>You can calmly talk to her and point out his obsessive and controlling behavior. Let her talk, and see what her feelings and thoughts are. There's not much else you can do. Keep an eye on your daughter to make sure she stays safe, and it should work out on its own.</p>
<p>Send your daughter off with 'Controlling People for Dummies'? Joking about the title, but really so many people have gotten themselves into these situations. The whole family suffers. Is there a book that lays these typical relationship issues/traps out in a straigtforward manner?</p>
<p>It's especially hard with first relationships. People just try to hang on for too long.</p>
<p>how long is the trip to Costa Rica?Maybe the time/distance will give her some perspective and let his latest advances blow over.Hopefully,her cell phone/texting wont work there!</p>
<p>I agree you should not forbid this - much as you really really want to. Been there done that - my D had an awful boyfriend when she was 15 - controlling, emotionally abusive (and we suspect physically) always putting her down even in front of us and would say he was 'just joking'. We did forbid her from dating him until she turned 16 though she saw him at school of course. But the forbidding backfired on us really as he used it to make us the bad guys. It resulted in her shutting us out as things got worse - and as her friends had drifted off because they could not stand him and he was so jealous she had no one to turn to so ended up hanging onto him longer. She stuck with him longer than she would of cause she was mad at us - then finally realised one day that she was miserable and ended it before she turned 16 - it took quite a while for us to learn of some of the stuff that went on. He still tries to get in contact with her occasionally 2 1/2 years later - even followed her in his car once which was scary though she now knows if it ever happens again to drive straight to the police station. It is only in the past year the damage to our relationship with her has begun to repair - even though she realised we were right about him the damage was there. </p>
<p>Gosh I feel for you - such a difficult situation with no perfect way to handle it. I know I would never have expected my D to get caught up in such a relationship - she is so intelligent and so strong - she would never have put up with the sort of controlling behavious from us as parents that she tolerated from this boy.</p>
<p>Maybe talk to her about the reasons why she broke it off with him in the first place - ask her if she is happy with the situation. Be there to pick up the pieces and make sure she knows you are there. Maybe she will have fun on the trip and it will give her the strength to stick to her guns. Talk to her - let her do the talking and maybe she will remember the reasons she broke up with him in the 1st place. Good luck.</p>
<p>Change the phone number along with the phone. Block his calls!</p>
<p>Re Tree Top Leaf's 'Controlling People for Dummies'...there has to be something similar on the market. Understanding controlling/abusive behavior as a syndrome that one does not want to expose yourself to, is a different place than limiting exposure "because my parents don't like you." I would hope that all young and not so young people involved in new relationships know what to look for in terms of avoiding abusive/guilt provoking control freaks. If you've grown up with kind people, and want to be emotionally responsive and kind yourself, learning when and how to distance yourself from certain pathological behaviors can be a hard lesson. </p>
<p>Find some printed literature on the subject, so she can come to some of her own conclusions for this as well as the future.</p>
<p>Trouble is these behaviors are generally well hidden early in the relationship - so the girl is usually well and truly 'hooked' by the time they do manifest themselves. </p>
<p>But do some google searches for controlling behaviour and abusive behavious. It may be an eye opener for her to realise that controlling behaviour is part of abusive behaviour.</p>
<p>Emotionally draining is a great description. We has a talk about everything again last night at dinner. She keeps saying that she has not made a decision and that she knows that no matter what everyone will be mad a her. When she talks about it she says she "doesn't know" what she wants. We explained that she will be going off to college and if she is tangled up in this it will be a much harder adjustment. She claims she will not go off to college with a bf and that he knows this and said thats fine. Their relationship last year was very intense. Saw each other every day, then on line and talking on the cell and phone. She seems to think it will be different this time. I notice that if she does not go online or call him when he thinks shes home he will text her and then they will talk on the cell. Every day he expects to see her. I am trying to keep her busy and hope he will just grow inpatient and show that he really has not changed.</p>
<p>Yeah i have tried talking and listening and what I hear is someone who is confused but seems to be leaning towards going back with hime. I have reminded her about the reasons it did not work and she keeps saying he has changed and is no longer going to be jealous etc. I don't buy it he is not going to change he will just hide his feelings for awhile. When they were going out he was always jealous. He always thought someone liked her and would try to prove it by looking at their aim profiles and saying they had to do with her. She has some close friends that are boys and he would have a problem anytine she would spend time with them. Once she brought him along and it was awkward. Her friends dont really care for him.</p>
<p>Thats it exactly</p>