<p>I would appreciate some advice. My son is in his first relationship which started in the fall. He convinced his girlfriend to apply to one of his schools and she was accepted. He has some fantastic scholarships at other schools but won't even consider them because he wants to go to school with the girlfriend. These LACs are small and a break up is eventual. She can't make her up mind where she wants to go. She is a homebody and is afraid to go away. He is pressuring her to go to his school. </p>
<p>I am not sure how to approach him to even talk with him about this without alienating him. I realize that this is his life and he has to make the decision, but after years of working his tail off and getting into some really nice schools, he is willing to throw it all away because of a girl. The timing couldn't be worse.</p>
<p>I can sympathize with you. My D and her boyfriend made their decisions early in the school year where they were going to college in the fall. They are at 2 different schools about 2-3 hours apart. Now that she knows his family will be moving about 8 hours away and there won't be summer and holiday breaks together, she has decided she wants to go to his school. Thank God that it is too late to get into his school, because his school does not offer the caliber education in her intended major (not saying his school isn't good, just that her school is better in her major). She also has a full tuition scholarship at her school and it's too late to get a scholarship at his school which is OOS. We had the talk in the fall that you can't base your school choice on where your bf/gf goes to school. You have to do what is right for you. She was ok with that at the time, but this is her first love and now she can't help but think she may not see him anymore. She has some cousins whose boyfiriends went to different schools. One married the boyfriend after graduating and has two kids, the other is finishing her sophomore year and she is still together with her bf even though they go to school 8 hours away. If the relationship is meant to be they will stay together. If not, then at least you will be at a school you can be happy at without them. It didn't hurt when I told her I would take her to visit him once in a while (if they stay together). They have cell phones and IM now so they can keep in touch much easier than in my day. All you can do is emphasize the good points about the school and give him the "if it is meant to be speech" and hope he makes the right decision. Good luck.</p>
<p>Is the girlfriend trying to sway him one way or another on the school choice? Does she want him to only go to the school where they have both been accepted? Or is this mostly his decsion?<br>
Gently point out to him that she is having a hard time making up her mind (is her committment to the relationship as strong as his?) and that if she went due to pressure from him, it could result in a bad situation i.e. all the blame for homesickness, unhappiness, etc. put on him which would probably lead to a breakup.<br>
Ask him if he would be totally happy to go to this school even if the girlfriend was not in the picture or if she decides she just doesn't want to go away to school? </p>
<p>I have a friend who's S did this. He was accepted to large state u. (both parents' alma mater) that he has been a fan of all his life. His girlfriend didn't even apply because odds of getting in were low. She applied to smaller state u. and the boy ended up going there to be with her instead. His parents were pretty upset at first but they got over it. The Mom told me that they finally decided it was his decision to make and they didn't want to be blamed for his unhappiness if he went to the big school and was miserable w/out the girlfriend. There were no scholarships involved in this situation and transfers between the two state u's are pretty common. They figured he could always transfer if it didn't work out. The kids are about to finish freshman year and are still together.</p>
<p>Stowmom, we did discuss with him that he should not base his decision on where his girlfriend is going and if possible they could fly to each other's schools to visit once a month. They are familiar with the meant to be speech through their friends.
Packmom, they are very committed to each other and at this point are inseparable. The girlfriend is not swaying him at all. He received another scholarship offer yesterday and she called him an idiot for not even considering the school. She told me she would like to go away, only if she could bring someone with her. I thought at the time, "Sheesh! This is not camp!" Her mom does not want her to go. She would miss her much as this is the last one to leave the nest. The parents asked where my son was going and they said it was okay for her to go with him. I do not want him to have the responsibility of taking care of her while at college. They study a lot and her tutors her a bit. I guess they would be moral support for each other.</p>
<p>Can you take him on a tour of a campus overflowing with gorgeous women, just to give him a hint of what he'll be missing? ;-) It would have worked for me at that age... male hormones can overpower any sense of rationality!</p>
<p>Zooper, I don't know if this helps or not -- my daughter attends a college about 200 miles away from her boyfriend -- they have been together since my daughter's junior year in high school; he's a year older. They see each other on alternating weekends -- taking turns as to which one visits the other. They do help each other constantly with written assignments, spending hours talking on the phone. They use their cell phones in non-peak hours, or phone cards or internet phone services like Skype. </p>
<p>Going to the same school was never an option - he's going for a BFA at a music school and she's at a women's college - but I just want to point out that it very possible for two inseparable lovebirds to have daily contact with each other and frequent visits if they are attending colleges that are reasonably near each other. So if your son's alternatives are not too far, you might point that out... if he'll listen.</p>
<p>I think the one thing that he may listen to is that it is unfair for him to pressure the girl to attend a college she is uncertain about just to serve his own needs. If he really loves her, then he should put her happiness ahead of everything, and if she is leaning toward staying closer to home, respect that.</p>
<p>I might be wrong -- I don't know your son -- but I'm just thinking that while he may see it as honorable and gallant and romantic for him to be willing to sacrifice his own education in order to be with her, he might be more responsive to suggestions that his choices could be harmful to her. </p>
<p>One thing for sure: don't even try premising any argument on the "what if they break up" factor. In his mind, that will never happen ... and fear of a breakup will only tend to make him want to stay close, since the odds of breakup are probably higher when they are apart.</p>
<p>Calmom, if they go to separate schools it would be a 2-3 hour plane ride home. I won't mind them getting together one or two weekends a month if her parents don't mind splitting the expense. I do agree that pointing out to him that he should put her needs first and if she wants to stay home then please respect that. The problem is that like most kids, she is waffling right now and I feel that we are at the mercy of a teenage girl and we are footing the bill for a school that maybe he should not be going to. I will not go into the "what if they break up" territory with him.
I don't think he is being honorable or gallant in sacrificing his education in order to be with her. I just think he is not thinking this through because he is "god help me", blinded by love. Thanks so much for the advice. By the way, I am familiar with skype.</p>
<p>Will he really not <<listen>> to you? In our recent experience regarding a similar situation, S was able to separate his mind from his emotions, for at least short periods of time. He ended up making the "smart" choice and is quite happy. I wish the same for your son.</listen></p>
<p>oh---we did have the "love is wanting what's best for the other" discussion--and that it works both ways. More than once, and not in a heavy-handed way. I imagine that has taken place in your home, too.</p>
<p>Actually mafool, I think we will be talking with him this evening about this whole situation, so I am thankful for all the great suggestions..I will write them down and use them when I need them.</p>
<p>Ask him how he would feel if he made a decision that was not educationally right for him just to be with this girl, and they ended up breaking up. Would he still want to go to that school even if he were not dating her? Maybe not even on speaking terms iwth her? If he can picture himself there without her, then that's one thing. But if he cannot, then that's another.</p>
<p>gosh, the memories are rushing back! There was also the discussion about fear: fear of what might happen if they are apart, the fear that the other might find someone "better..." and how fear isn't a good basis for a relationship. The difficult notion of: if she does meet someone who will make her happier, that 's what's best for her...and vice versa.</p>
<p>I'll have to ask S in a year or two how he remembers these talks.</p>
<p>Is he willing to absorb the money difference between her school and the other ones? I was very glad our D and her boyfriend chose different schools to apply to. If they want to date when home on break, fine. But both will be free to explore the college dating scene. I thought this was a good idea when I first said it, but now, after hearing about "hook ups," I just hope they do not lose their good sense when they leave home.</p>
<p>Best of luck with tonight's discussion, zooper.
I haven't heard the $ aspect discussed. Do the scholarships make a significant financial impact? Will your son need to take loans anywhere? Are you footing the entire bill?</p>
<p>Zooper, I wish could be more helpful, as a parent who has been through a similar situation. But it has to be his decision. If he starts at one school and "has" to transfer, he is responsible for any consequences of that decision. If it affects your family financially, he should be responsible for that, too (or at least be aware of it, should you decide to foot the increasedd bill). No one can say whether these two will still be together in a year, or even IF they should be together. Again, their decisions, their lives.</p>
<p>Zooper, I can't tell if you are the mom or the dad. If you are the mom, have you tried letting dad have a one-on-one with your son? I know in our family this discussion would be calmer and less confrontational coming from me rather than WashMom.</p>
<p>On the other hand, WashMom and I ended up at the same college in part because I was going there. We have been married for 28 years...</p>
<p>We were in the same position last spring. D has been going with boyfriend for almost 2 years now; a wonderful kid that we genuinely love. But, that being said, both sets of parents worked really hard to make sure that our kids applied to the schools each wanted to as individuals, not as a couple. Both had alternative choices, but ended up for valid reasons at the same school, State U. They even ended up in the same dorm (different floors), though that definitely wasn't in "the plans"! They are still together and in a very healthy relationship. They each have a variety of activities and friends, hanging out separately with a lot of different kids. They DO still ultimately spend the most time with each other, though.</p>
<p>It sounds like the girlfriend can't be faulted for her approach here in encouraging your son to consider his options (not that you were doing that anyway). All you can really do is point out all of his opportunities and make sure that he looks at all of the advantages to his potential choices.</p>
<p>As the Irish say, "there but for fortune may go you or I" so thanks for sharing your experience.</p>
<p>Given their ages, and all that's at stake here, a different approach might be to say to your son that he's letting his love for her cause him to set up his life and hers based on the choices of a 17-year-old. Even a 17-year-old can realize that isn't proper or desirable, for himself or the g.f.</p>
<p>I think if this were me, I'd summon all my courage and require him to choose the right place for him, g.f.-blind, and insist that she do the same.</p>
<p>Tell him that you're doing this b/c you have no idea, nor does either of them, whether this one is "meant to be" and you're humble enough not to be sure of anybody's future. In a way, the g.f.'s mom could be won over to parrot the same phrase. Hey, even his g.f. is telling him not to do this for him...</p>
<p>So after a year, he can always transfer "down" but he can never transfer "up" if his better opportunities are further away. Perhaps also suggest she might gain in confidence after a year and feel more like transferring close to him.
But only after the year to see if the usual things don't happen, re: each of them growing and changing.</p>
<p>I do know from experience and observation that having a home g.f. or b.f. is a crutch that keeps people from considering new people their freshman year, first half anyways. A lot come back changed after their first Christmas home, realizing that nothing about home is "them" anymore. So lots of breakups do occur in January, but until then they don't see what's right in front of them re: other men and women who are attractive.</p>
<p>zooper-- I didn't want to go off to college 3 (driving) hours away from my high school sweetheart, so I married him and went the community college/transfer-to-public-U route. Hopefully your S and his girlfriend will be smarter than that! However, 23 years later we are still married, and I did get my degree(s), so it worked out for us :) .</p>