<p>I'm sure this has been discussed before but can't find it. My d has a bf for over a year; they are both seniors. Decision time coming soon and I know they discuss what will happen next year. My gut level says they'd be better off not being at the same school. It would be too easy to "fall into comfort" vs. striking out and "taking chances", especially on a large campus. We've discussed it briefly; I made my opinion known very gently when it was asked and now I am keeping my mouth shut (difficult as that might be). My d appreciated our discussion and shared some similar concerns but ultimately the decision is hers. Not clear they will be accepted at the same schools, financial matters in play, etc. but any thoughts or experience with this situation would be appreciated.</p>
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<p>Same problem, but with Son. However, your concern is not one that bothers me. My concern is that Son will not go to the best school he gets into (adjusting for financial aid package) because he wants to be with the girlfriend.</p>
<p>Maybe your fundamental problem is you don’t like the boyfriend. That is a different question and discussion you need to have with your daughter. Before you do, make sure you do some soul searching and have valid reasons for not thinking he is good for your daughter.</p>
<p>Even if they attend the same college the relationship often doesn’t last in college and it can be a real burr (especially if one attended solely to be near the other).</p>
<p>If D has earned the money to pay for college or will be earning it, she can pick the school without much say-so from you. Otherwise, you get full veto power over the school choice. My wife earned $ to put herself through undergrad without any parental support so believe me, it can be done. I encourage you to have D go to a separate school from bf, which is what you were leaning toward.</p>
<p>Many years ago, I applied to only one college, the one where my bf was a freshman.
We had been “distance dating” seeing each other on weekends and sch. breaks (our hometown was only one hr. fr. the college) for over a year. I was delirious at the thought of us being together every day whenever we wanted to. We broke up before first semester exams.</p>
<p>I would discourage a student from choosing a college that is a poor choice for him or her because of a boyfriend or girlfriend. The question that the student needs to ask him/herself is “If you broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend or if your boyfriend/girlfriend left this college for some reason, would you still consider it a good choice for you?”</p>
<p>If the college in question is a reasonable choice for both of them – in term of programs offered, finances, academic level, etc. – it’s hard to find a good reason to say no, in my opinion. </p>
<p>I think it’s important to remember that the “falling into comfort” thing can happen just as easily for kids who go to the same college as one or more of their high school friends – something you can’t prevent and probably wouldn’t even know about.</p>
<p>Actually, even if I adored the boyfriend/girlfriend in question, I would strongly prefer that my son (and later, my daughters) do not go to the same school as their SO. I think college is time to break away from your high school identity- try new ideas, make new friends, etc.</p>
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<p>I mean no disrespect by this – I am simply hoping that you or someone else with a similar viewpoint can help me understand.</p>
<p>Whenever we have these bf/gf threads, I see posts like yours. To me, it looks as though these posts are saying “Kids are better off if they have sex with a lot of different people.” Yet in other contexts, we parents don’t promote promiscuity.</p>
<p>I’m missing something here, and I don’t know what it is.</p>
<p>These discussions often take on an air of unreality. Of COURSE it’s not a great idea to go to college with your high school girl- or boyfriend. Of COURSE it’s really stupid if a student picks a poor-fit college because it’s where the girl- or boyfriend is. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is great, and if the relationship isn’t great . . . .</p>
<p>This is a topic that no reasonable parents are going to have any disagreement on. The only problem is that 17-year-olds aren’t necessarily reasonable parents.</p>
<p>For the most part, though, I think kids do understand these things. They may resist, but they understand. Probably in 80% of the cases, they make the right decisions, with or without a few tears. And in lots of the cases where they make the wrong decision, well, it probably doesn’t matter much. They do fine at the college they attend, they have a break up, they move on, just like anyone. They grow, they expand, they change, they connect, and this particular bad decision is no big deal, just one in the string of good and bad decisions that make each of us who we are. And sometimes, ugh, disaster.</p>
<p>I’m pretty much past this now. But if anyone has any words of wisdom, much less experience, with helping an irrational teen avoid a real mistake, have at it! I’d love to know that.</p>
<p>I do agree that as long the decision is made based on the best college for the kid, whether the bf/gf is going to be there or not is not really an issue. </p>
<p>The point where it would be awkward if they should breakup later is no different than if they were to breakup with someone in college. If a relationship is meant to be then it’ll last, if not they will move on. Sometimes when they are apart, they’ll spend more time to travel back and forth. I think that’s worse because they’ll miss more of their school experience.</p>
<p>Marian, I wasn’t thinking about sex, but about an expansion of the personality that (I think) best takes place when the environment is entirely new. Bringing a piece of your high school with you (whether it is your best friend or your SO) may keep you acting and thinking in the same ways you did in high school.</p>
<p>But to address sex directly, I have been made inadvertantly aware that my 17 year old offspring is active. H and I (more H, because of gender) have been discussing our views with S for years about sex, protection, pregnancy, caring in the relationship, etc. I would have preferred that he wait until he was 18, but that horse is out of the barn and unlikely to be locked up now. I don’t have an opinion on what the right number of sexual partners is for any given person or how to define promiscuity (although I once heard it defined as more partners than whoever is using the word has had).</p>
<p>Now that D is doing freshman year with her BF at a different college, I see that the issue has many more sides than I first thought. They did consider (briefly) going to the same college; they did break up very quickly in the first semester, but then they got back together. They have become a really good support system for each other, I think, someone to consult who is not right there at the school and can be objective. She still goes out and meets new people and has lots of new friends, many of whom are male – just not new boyfriends.
The thing is your D could waste just as much time at her new college texting and calling the BF who is at his new college. A break up can be disruptive and painful no matter where BF is. OR she could break up with old BF and immediately meet a new BF at her new college and be glued to his hip, etc. etc . As JHS points out, what will be will be – kids will continue to have ups and downs with friends, boyfriends, grades, and everything else – and in MOST cases, it all works out.
Yes, some kids get into serious depressions or are in abusive relationships and those are very different serious things. But that’s a totally different subject.</p>
<p>Have DS or DD choose the best college for THEM! If the relationship is meant to continue, it will in spite of the distance.</p>
<p>Aside from whatever advice you give her, since she is a senior I would advise her to talk to friends she may have had last year (who are now freshmen in college) to get their take on it. Either friends who were in the same spot last year or just friends who could give their take on their “new” college friends and how they are doing this year with GF/BF at the same or at different colleges.</p>
<p>In other words, let her peers “one year later” offer some advice. I’m thinking that by this point, second half of freshman year, that they may have some sound advice like, " I found out I hated having him so close - it keep me from making new friends" or “we’ve worked it out - we’re at different schools but see each other on breaks, etc.” - that type of thing.</p>
<p>A few months away from high school for most kids, totally changes what SEEMED so important in high school and now, really isn’t.</p>
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<p>I’m not so sure that this can be assumed. I think in some cases it could work out just fine, as long as the college is appropriate for both people.</p>
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<p>My daughter was admitted to a certain college by binding Early Decision. Several months later, one of her closest high school friends chose to attend the same college. What was I supposed to do about that? She was already committed to the college, and her friend had a perfect right to choose to attend the same school.</p>
<p>As it turned out, I think that having an old friend nearby may have enhanced the college experience for both of them, rather than detracting from it.</p>
<p>Marian, I don’t think you can do anything about it-- I just think it isn’t “ideal”. Few things are, of course, but I was just offering my opinion.</p>
<p>I agree that college is supposed to be about new experiences and meeting new people, and it’s not a good idea to go to college with bf/gf. That said, it may not be the worst thing that can happen ,either. I knew several people who did this when I was in college, some of them broke up and moved on ( but stayed at the school) but most of them ended up marrying each other after graduation and are still together 30 years later!</p>
<p>Interesting topic. Same questions are running about at our house. S and GF are talking about colleges, but both have some schools that aren’t on the other’s list. (They have wildly different intended majors.) S and I have discussed it a bit, and they have discussed long-distance and are willing to make it work. Of course, there is long-distance as in UMD-CP/Baltimore, and there is long-distance as in Dartmouth/CMC. To me, an good scenario would be if they attended different colleges in the same city.</p>
<p>They both have their heads screwed on pretty straight, so I am keeping out of it unless S brings up the topic with me. We have a year before this ripens and much can happen between now and then – where each gets accepted, what the financials are in each family, the status of their relationship, etc.</p>
<p>I started dating my best buddy from HS after the first quarter of freshman year in college. I’m not sure that there’s much difference between that and a BF/GF from HS heading to the same school – there were still many years of shared history. After we split up 2.5 years later, I later met and dated my DH long-distance for a year before getting engaged.</p>
<p>Thanx for the input. To clarify: I really like the bf and he has many qualities I’d love to see in my d’s future, but she’s only 17. They came up with lists independently, but do have a couple of matches. We approve of my d’s list so no vetoes here. It is more of a concern/though than an “issue”. MY d has a huge circle of friends and socializes all the time (a bit too much at times) with many both male and female. She easily makes new friends, etc. We’ll see what the next few weeks brings alon…</p>
<p>I will revive this and promise to post when I get back…D1 is a freshman at college with her HS boyfriend; both chose school independently and both are at the best place they were admitted for their respective majors…i’ll be back…</p>