Advice/Score my Essay?

<p>Topic: Is identity something people are born with or given, or is it something people create for themselves? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>My Essay:</p>

<pre><code> Identity is something that people create for themselves. People are not born into an identity. This can be shown by the situations of people like Howard Schultz, Oprah Winfrey, and Bill Clinton.

        Howard Schultz was not born into very much but has come to gain a lot. He was born into a poor family. His dad was a trucker his mom washed dishes, so he was not born into very much wealth. However he was a hard worker, and got hired by a coffee company, Starbucks. He used his expertise to advise the owners of the company who were stagnant. He quit and made his own coffee company. The owners of the company sold of the Starbucks name to Howard, and he expand that coffee enterprise to much more. Now a Starbucks is at nearly every corner of a city. This shows how he made his identity. He was not born as a forever indigent being, but he worked hard and became a legend.

        Similarly Oprah Winfrey was no born into much. She was the precipitate of two teenagers. She went from one abusive relative to the next because she could not stay with her mother. She finally ended up at her father's house where he encouraged her to concentrate on school. Even with all the problems she faced through her childhood she blossomed at school. In fact, she was an honors student. She continued succeeding and graduated from college, the first of her family to do so. Next she became the first black woman to work as a news anchor. Recently she has had her own television show that is viewed by many people. In fact, she is also one of the richest people in the world. Oprah truly shows that people make their identities. She created her identity as a hardworking and idolized person through hard work and dedication.

        Bill Clinton also created his identity. He was born into a very poor family. However, Bill made the best of his situation. He work hard at school, while working to keep his family from losing all its money. He worked so hard he got the prestigious Rhodes Scholar Award. More recently, he was president. This poor man went from without a penny to the president of the United States. Thus, he did not take up an identity as a poor lazy man, but he had taken the identity of a former president. Bill made his own identity and did not settle for anything but the top.

        Identities are not adopted by people, but they are indeed created by people. None of these household names that I mentioned were born into riches or fame, but each and every one worked hard and succeeded, thus creating their own identities. 

</code></pre>

<p>Thank You :)</p>

<p>The outline of your essay is very good. Your choice of examples is excellent. The first two examples are well developed and convincing. The third (regarding Bill Clinton) is a bit simplistic. You need more substance for that example to make it compelling. Perhaps a sentence about his family situation when he was growing up – i.e. that his Dad abandoned him and his Mom, and another sentence about his career in politics.</p>

<p>The detailed writing needs work. You have numerous grammar errors, including sentence splices, and occasional word choice errors. This is the area where you’ll lose several points. Perhaps you can have someone go through the grammar errors with you, and propose corrections.</p>

<p>Ya I know the Bill Clinton one was the weakest. I ran out of room causing me to have to skip to the point. Also, I noticed I had bunch of the grammatical mistakes while I was typing up the essay.</p>

<p>Thank you so much for posting and giving me advice. I will go over my essay more in depth and look for those things now.</p>

<p>I think the second sentence of the first paragraph is too straightforward and candid. Your essay will always sound more mature if you state your supports in a vague and flowing manner without an abrupt “HERE’S what I’m going to talk about” </p>

<p>Also, 25 minutes isn’t really enough time to fully examine and reflect on 3 examples successfully. It works much better if you stick to 2 and work on developing them thoroughly. </p>

<p>Sentence structure is also key to getting a good score. I found that your essay consisted of short, direct statements and there wasn’t much syntax variation. </p>

<p>For example, instead of “Similarly Oprah Winfrey was no born into much. She was the precipitate of two teenagers.”</p>

<p>I would start with a transition and say “But aside from identity acquired through corporate pursuits, we can also examine how identity is created in the inspirational story of Oprah Winfrey. Born into an average and seemingly ordinary family, Oprah was the…”</p>

<p>Also, I’m not sure “precipitate” works too well in that context. </p>

<p>Overall I would give it a 9</p>