<p>Hello All! A few months ago, I posted a thread about my college freshman son who is attending a school that is at the other end of the state. S has a relationship with a GF still in high school. S had second thoughts about his college plans because of the separation. They are presently maintaining their long distance relationship and S has visited home 3 times since Sept. But S has not connected with his college, now says he doesn't like the college anymore and wants to go elsewhere. I know S is insecure about the relationship and fears GF will find someone else. No telling where GF will go for college in 2 years. The age difference is acceptable to GF's parents. At times, I think GF's mother is living vicarously thru her daughter. Parents, I would appreciate any advice you can give me. Thank you.</p>
<p>LifeisShort- my advice is to tell your son that the next step is up to him but that he needs to proactively make a plan- dropping out, coming home, and hanging out with HS kids for next semester while he figures it out is not an option.</p>
<p>So- he stays at his current college, starts filling out transfer applications, getting FA in order, figuring out which credits will transfer with him etc. Or he stays at his current college, tries to really make a go of it by joining activities, making friends, and then after second semester decides whether to stay or go. Or, he starts to look for a job so that when he comes back home at Xmas he can pay rent and his fair share of household expenses once he's living at home second semester. OR- another option that you guys can figure out together.</p>
<p>But make him responsible. The fastest way to make sure that he hates his current college and will hate the next college and feels that the only thing good in his life is the GF is to swoop in and rescue him. Try to take the issue of the GF, the mom, etc. off the table. Your issue is his life and his next step, and if the current program isn't working for him- either academically, socially, or whatever, he needs to be a grownup and come up with an alternative plan.</p>
<p>Agree with Blossom. Tell him to get moving on the transfer process if that is what he wants but make him take ownership of it. Let him know that moving home, dropping out, etc. is not an option.
Anyway, in my mind Blossom is spot on here.</p>
<p>One more vote for him taking responsibility. We have all seen these things go south and the relationships don't typically last as they move on. But one does want to not have a poor decision made that would affect the rest of his life.</p>
<p>Blossom is often spot on :)</p>
<p>Im going to tell you I had the same problem with my D she is in her senior yr of HS and has a BF that graduated last yr and she wanted to change her plans to go across the country because she didnt want to chance it that he would move on but he didnt want her to go either. It caused a big riff in the family and she moved to a friends house, she was gone for about a week during that time we would talk but nothing seemed to come from it.</p>
<p>Finally I asked her to come home on a Sunday to talk she was ready to come home too we could tell, I just told her we werent trying to break them up but I would have respect for the situation if she went to school next fall and settled into everything make a go of it on her own and if she faced her fears of being that far from home and delt with that and still felt she wanted to be with him then fine I can except that.</p>
<p>Her responce was yeah, I think so too, she said her BF was thinking of go to Florida to attend a school there and that she wanted to attend a school on the east coast I said thats fine lets look around on line but she couldnt find the same situation she had at the other school out west, so she told me her and her BF talked and decided that they needed to go to school were she and he planned and if they were ment to be they would get together when there done, I even told her we would take her to Florida on her first spring break she said I dont know if im going to want to anyway.
I was totally surprised and said well what ever it is at the time we can work it out.</p>
<p>I guess what im saying is if hes not ready to marry then why would he want to change his plans for someone hes probably not going to spend the rest of his life with.</p>
<p>I also think Blossom is exactly right. (And no, I don't think your son's GF will look kindly on his new life's work at the local McDonalds.)</p>
<p>Another Blossom agree-er. With the added note that if your son thinks you're trying to break up him and gf, and they do end up breaking up, he'll blame you. So tread carefully, but put the ball in his court. If he wants to transfer, he needs to do the research and the paperwork. If there is another school closer to home that is academically appropriate and affordable, and that's what he wants, then fine - but make sure he understands that "dropping out, coming home, and hanging out with HS kids for next semester while he figures it out is not an option."</p>
<p>Thank you Blossom and everyone for your input. I think we should put the ball in his court. One other thing that really bothers me is S has been really possessive of GF. His grades are suffering. He checks on her MySpace. He had a bad experience with a former GF who used him and said one of the reasons they were breaking up was not being able to see him often. That, I think, is BS - but it has played on his mind. I know there's nothing I can do about it, but it galls me to think he is throwing away his opportunities. S does not do well in talking to us about his personal issues. I so wish I could turn back the clock to when things were easier!</p>
<p>Sence when did we stop teaching our kids coping skills based on lifes decisions. yes its his decision but why not help him workout his feelings about the GF, parents arent just a ATM but we need to counsel our kids during lifes struggles.</p>
<p>Regrets can come from both directions "being with her and finding out she was to young and she moved on anyway and not being with her and deciding she was the best thing for him.</p>
<p>It is his final decision but as a parent if you help him sort out his feelings about his relationship as much as hes willing to let you in then you did everything you can to help and you dont ever have to hear in the futrure why didnt you stop me or why did you talk to me. </p>
<p>Ive heard acouple friends say that about there parents.</p>
<p>Is there a counseling service at his school where he could talk to someone to sort out his feelings and his options? Of course, he has to be willing to go.</p>
<p>I have to tread lightly with talks with S. I don't want S to think I'm opposed to the relationship and they tend to tune you out anyway when they typically think they know more than us parents. I keep on reminding him that the type of life he will have will depend on the choices he makes now. It is a huge heartache for me to know that he is so obsessed with GF and it is causing him to lose focus on his schoolwork. I don't believe he will go to counseling because he doesn't realize it is a problem.</p>
<p>What does the girlfriend think of his possessiveness? Is she happy with him being obsessed with her. My D had a boyfriend that had issues due to another relationship that he had before he met my D. She did not like him being so possessive at all. She is at college and wants to live her own life and have fun. She told the boyfriend to knock it off and get his own life. She tells me that things are much better. He's getting into his school and having fun and she is having fun and working hard at her school.</p>
<p>She told me that she didn't really want a boyfriend at her school, she wants to make friends with girls and have time to study. She's in a hard major and needs to study a lot. She did not have time to spend with a boyfriend that wanted her to give all of her free time to him. It's different now with texting and the internet.</p>
<p>But I wonder if the GF is playing into his insecurities esp. if she doesn't have the workload that college students have? Don't you just want to knock them up the side of the head (a la the V-8 commercial) and tell them to knock it off?</p>
<p>Yeah I agree the controlling is concerning, I think my D had the same miss conception of young love that you stay together forever not that it hasnt happened but to think that a high school GF is ready to commit for the rest of her life is unbelieveable to me.</p>
<p>I have a brother that everytime he has a GF he has to be in every aspect of there life, she doesnt need to go see her mom and brother all the time, LOL I couldnt believe what I was hearing hes a big mamas boy himself I couldnt help it seeing this over the years with his relationships I just had to lay into him. But while talking he got the impression it was always the girlfriends that had the problem lol granted they didnt always do things that didnt look suspect but he sets himself up everytime by sqwashing them down and controlling every move they make it was like a father daughter relationship instead of a BF GF relationship. Well now he knows that everytime you try to capture and hold something it will find a way to break free. </p>
<p>In the past he would even say things like David (my husband ) isnt going to let you do that or go there, LOL LOL watch me, hes my husband not my father ive already been raised.</p>
<p>Dont let this get out of control even if he doesnt see it , one things for sure hes not a player or he would be the one getting chased not the other way around. </p>
<p>He could be setting himself up for a long life of disappointing relationships :(</p>
<p>I really don't know what the GF thinks about it. She seems well grounded in school and other things. But, I think most high school girls don't mind the attention because of their emotional immaturity.</p>
<p>what has he done about coming home so far and is he talking to you about anything yet.</p>
<p>There's been no further discussion about that. I want to be ready if he brings it up again. This whole GF issue is giving us alot of headaches!</p>