After Dropping Out 4 Years Ago, I Have Thoughts of Going Back to College

College Search & Selection
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Of course, after reading the title, there’s a plethora of additional context and circumstance necessary to blueprint my current dilemma.

Before 2020 was a concept in everyone’s mind, I wrote a forum thread detailing my concerns of staying in college at the time and my costly and inefficient life plan I had decided to take instead.

My brash, impulsive, and selfish decision has cost me great emotional and relational harm to my parents. As much as I didn’t want to provide any sense of validation to the naysayers I’d discuss this matter with at the time, my inability to view it in the lens of good faith advice caused me to dig my heels in further than what any reasonable young adult would and should have done.

During the time I was living with this person, from January of 2020 to January of 2023, I enrolled in and graduated from one of the top culinary schools in the nation. However, due to abusive domestic circumstances and led me to flee the home and seek out a restraining order, I have again reached another point of stagnation and failure to launch.

I couldn’t hold any restaurant jobs for longer than two months, and I’ve since soured on pursing another restaurant gig since May of 2022, or any job for that matter. My fear of immense financial and time commitment has caused me to wander aimlessly through life, piggybacking off of either my current partner or my parents who have grown justifyingly impatient and outraged.

I now wake up every morning with a burdensome sentiment of guilt and regret, questioning whether I am even deserving of any past or present charity and to some extent, if I am deserving of living as an adult at all. To this day, I struggle to move forward because of this damage I put on my family and my fear in inflicting further harm paradoxically making it grow even worse, as my parents have paid for my rent every month since I moved out of my hometown.

Still, some of the sentiments I laid out in my original post I do somewhat resonate with today. At 18, I legitimately didn’t feel emotionally mature enough to make such a major life decision of attending an expensive college to the scale of tens of thousands per year, and my career aspirations are still quite fickle. Although my intellectual capabilities were/are more than sufficient for success in higher education, my mental challenges of living with Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD, along with other psychiatric diagnoses, handicap me from aiming for any life purpose greater than what is immediately in front of me.

With all that laid out, a few complicated questions persist pertaining to moving forward that I have no direction in answering by myself.

1: How can I forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the past to myself and my family?

2: What would be my most realistic options be if I wished to pursue higher education again?

3: What are some key takeaways I can hold on to so I don’t repeat the same logical traps I walked into previously?

For reference, I’m currently living in Brooklyn, New York and I have both applied to non-college youth job programs in Digital Marketing and Finance Operations and have been seeking vocational rehab since November of last year with a state-sponsored program.

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Get out of nyc. Your parents are paying your rent in one of the most expensive places in the country. Move back home, attend public college while living at home and working part time.

Why can’t you hold a job? What issue is coming up? Mental health? Addiction? Can you get help for it? I read more carefully, and i see you have autism and ADHD. Go home! Your parents are paying your rent because they dont want you to be homeless. Move back home and save them this heavy expense that is likely more than their mortgage.

What degree, toward what career goal? Choose something well suited to autism. For example, if you are great at chinese language, get a degree in that and go work for the NSA or a contractor. Chinese linguists are in very high demand, and the work is such that people with autism can hold the job. The pay can be excellent.

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What’s past is past. Be at peace. Make steps of progress each day.
Agree with parentologist, address health, get to work, and reduce your cost of living.
Trust and hope in a better future.
What about Americorp?

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I appreciate the advice, unfortunately though, moving out of NYC isn’t as straightforward a decision as I initially expected it to be when it crossed my mind. I signed a 2-year rent controlled lease for a 2-bedroom apartment coming out to $936/month. My current partner has no connections to sublet and he’s said it would take several months at the bare minimum to find someone to move in as he can’t pay the rent in full. My father also did stress the idea that I’d be abandoning thousands of dollars worth of furniture that he paid for both me and current partner to move in with.

My struggle with holding a job is the culmination of a few factors: having multiple panic attacks on the job and while commuting, juggling a housewife’s amount of domestic labor while working full-time and/or attending school (and facing severe consequences for not fulfilling said chores), and an overall dissatisfaction and indecisiveness with my life direction.

If I were to begin attending classes in this hypothetical, I’d wish to stick with my original plan of majoring in International Business or International Relations. This could also apply to any degree program that strongly recommends study abroad programs, as I did both enroll in Chinese language classes during my first college run, and have also been self-studying Japanese for nearly 8 years.

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I think you need some counseling…that’s my opinion. You can’t seem to see the forest from the trees. There are plenty of jobs out there that aren’t restaurant jobs…and yes, in NYC. You have not worked on over a year? You need to figure out why you think that is a good plan. Even a minimum wage job will help defray some of your costs of living in one of the most expensive cities in which to live.

So…get some counseling…and get a job…any job. Be a stock clerk, or housekeeping staff…anything.

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Agree with counseling. Don’t procrastinate- get a professional to help you with the heavy duty stuff- forgiving yourself, regaining a sense of self-worth.

We here can help you with the practical stuff. It will take four hours (maybe 8 if your roommate is a smoker, has a dog, or some other habits) to find a roommate for a below market apartment in Brooklyn. My kids all live in Brooklyn- you cannot imagine the dives they’ve lived in for many multiples of what you are paying. Your roommate is delusional if he/she thinks it will take months.

Your father surely understands the concept of a sunk cost. He paid thousands of dollars for furniture. And in the next 12 months, he will pay close to 12 thousand dollars to keep you in NY. Which number is bigger than the other? You can sell the furniture (probably recoup 20% of the costs-- again, unless you are a smoker in which case it will be 10%) and move on with your life.

I don’t understand why you have a “housewife’s amount of domestic labor” in a two bedroom apartment. I’m a neat freak and when I lived in NYC it took aprox. 45 minutes a day to keep the place tidy, clean the bathroom and kitchen, etc. Are you washing windows every week? Are you waxing the kitchen floor and polishing sterling silver? And who the heck are you living with that you have severe consequences for not fulfilling said chores? If you are in an abusive relationship- get out now. As in- pack up, leave tomorrow. Forget the furniture, you need to save yourself before the cycle of “severe consequences” gets worse.

I am very sad for you. But you have multiple off-ramps right now for the bad situation you are in, and if you are having trouble figuring out which one to take- make a phone call NOW. A domestic abuse hotline if that’s the situation, tell your parents what’s really going on and ask them if you can come home and start counseling ASAP.

And there are lots and lots of jobs that don’t involve restaurants. Unemployment in the US is hovering around 4%-- a historic low. Get a job at Costco, Target, UPS, Amazon. You can do this.

Hugs to you.

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Just to be clear, I was living in northern Queens closeby to Flushing prior to moving to Brooklyn last January. That was when I was living with my abusive ex-boyfriend mentioned in the initial thread back in 2019, and the house was far bigger than the apartment I’m in now. My current partner is the one who encouraged me to leave him and pursue legal action.

The amounts of off-ramps you mention is also precisely the issue I’m having at the moment. It feels paralyzing to make any one decision. It’s an existentialism that, while obviously needs to be addressed through counseling, has been flimsy at best to seeking help. Many therapists and psychiatrists I’ve spoken to have told me on more than one occasion, after relaying them my story, have pushed it off as it being above their pay grade and didn’t want to deal with the liability associated with it or have told me to seek inpatient services (mental hospitals).

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You do not need to choose your forever path right now. You do not need to pursue higher education right now. You do not need to commit to your ultimate career right now.

You need to find a supportive therapist; you need to work with that therapist to find a reason to get out of the apartment and to a job every day; you need to make sure that you are physically safe and making progress on your mental health.

That’s it! No big existential decisions.

I am having trouble understanding what you might have told a psychiatrist (let alone “many”) that would have them conclude that your problems are above their paygrade. A psychiatrist in NYC is a board certified physician who has many years of training treating patients in full blown psychosis, are violent sociopaths, or have suffered from bi-polar for decades. There is literally NOTHING above their paygrade.

You may need your parents help to find a therapist near where they live, who takes your insurance, so you can live at home while you pursue treatment.

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Then you need to listen to them. Kicking the can down the road is not in your best interest.

Please seek the help that has been recommended by professionals.

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This is an issue best addressed by a professional counselor and is well outside the scope of advice of CC. As such, I’m closing this thread.

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