Ahh!! My Ignorant Family's Pressure!

<p>Hey guys, </p>

<p>Recently after i decided about two months ago i wanted to go study in the States and not in Canada.. i have urged my dad to keep it a secret. If you know anything about immigrant families, you know college selection is classified under the 'life or death' importance category. Anyway, about two weeks after i made this decision..I got my first phone call from my Uncle in Bangladesh. I had not talked to him in like four years and he calls me and goes into his lecture about how college is so important and stuff. Basically, i was bummed at my parents for letting this known to my family members. </p>

<p>Like every other day i get questions about which universities i am going to be applying to and I am only a rising Junior! I really do not want to sy my reaches coz if i don't get in, i will downgrade from family celebrity to 'the boy who shall not be named.' My family members just smile at me and tell me about how i will get into Harvard. I wanna show them CC to make them understand how incompetent I am compared to people on CC. My whole family including aunts and uncles etc.-which is freaking huge-expects me to get into my top choices. However, if i do succeed, i will be like the biggest celebrity in our 'cultural community.' As sad as it is, these things spread like wildfire.</p>

<p>Anyway, i am sure a lot of you may be facing similar situations. I am using this post to release this family pressure! If you guys have any similar stories, feel free to share. Or if you sympathize, please leave a small message telling me how it will be Ok and how i will get into my top choices. But yea, anyway that's what ive been having to deal with. Its just a bother but it will be over in like a year!Thanks for listening to me complain!</p>

<p>Well, my family is very similar to yours. But that's only my aunts and uncles. Luckily my parents are fairly down to earth on the matter as my sister has already been through the admissions process (for the UK, not the US), and they know how much there really is to it.</p>

<p>Some of my relatives, on the other hand, expect me to get in to all the top universities, and it's really hard to explain to them how difficult it is to get in. They ask me "so where are you going to university?" as if I can just pick one and I'll get in! When I tell them how selective the universities are, they're like "don't worry, you'll get in!". But they are all, nevertheless, very supportive, even if I don't do as well as expected. They just have very high expectations... It's quite a typical Asian thing...</p>

<p>By the way, I'm an Indian international, and also a rising Junior! I can understand what you mean about the pressure from relatives. You just have to try your best, and hope for the best!</p>

<p>Maybe you could bring them down to earth by showing them a compilation from a posts from some of the HYPSM admissions results threads. Show them the incredibly good stats of the kids who got REJECTED.</p>

<p>This is a serious reply. I recommend you develop the fine (and often satisfying) skill of deflecting such questions with passive aggressive behavior. For example, when you are asked such questions, give an answer that is designed to be shocking to the questioner. </p>

<p>For example, in a conspiratorial whisper, tell them you are going to apply to a culinary arts program. Or cosmetology school. Or that secretly what you really want to do is fix cars.</p>

<p>Same thing with my [Indian] grandmother :)</p>

<p>well my parents don't really put any pressure on me, but relatives and family friends sort of hound me and try to put pressure they are like so ur sis went to MIT how about u? I try to ignore or say idk and just keep on going.</p>

<p>My parents (well my dad) are the same way. My mom is completely supportive of my college list but my dad is very visibly disappointed that I have no interest in applying to Harvard or Princeton (even though I have Yale and Stanford on my college list...) </p>

<p>He is completely obsessed with rankings and feels that I should apply to all the top 10 schools to ensure that I can get into at least one of them....ugh...</p>

<p>And btw he's an immigrant, my mom is not. So I guess it really is an immigrant thing.</p>

<p>
[quote]
My whole family including aunts and uncles etc.-which is freaking huge-expects me to get into my top choices. However, if i do succeed, i will be like the biggest celebrity in our 'cultural community.' As sad as it is, these things spread like wildfire.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Parents are one thing, but this is so unhealthy for your aunts / uncles to be invested in your college choices like that. I would never dream of saying anything to my nieces / nephews about their college choices beyond "Congratulations! Have fun!" I seriously urge all of you who are dealing with this to seek professional help in setting boundaries, because they are majorly blurred.</p>

<p>i agree with coreur. whenever my parents act even slightly optimistic about my chances, i always tell them how our val and sal this year (national merit, amazing extracurriculars, great leadership and all) got rejected from all the ivies they applied to.</p>

<p>haha this is why i started that other thread about how not to tell ppl where you're applying...it might create false expectations.</p>

<p>While my dad wasn't born in America, I don't think the whole "immigrant family" thing applies to me, although several distant relatives have gone to top schools.</p>

<p>Perhaps try telling your parents that you will do your best to get in HYPS, and that you do hope to achieve their goals as well as what I am assuming to be your goals, but that they should not be surprised if you get rejected. Explain to them that thousands upon thousands of kids dream of going to an ivy, and you will do you best to be admitted to a top school.</p>

<p>Yeah my Grandfather who I live with is an immigrant(from China) asked me at the dinner table about college(I'm a rising senior). So I say "oh well I think my chances for UCSD are pretty good, and you know it's a prestigious state school" so he replies, "what about UC Berkeley? That one's more prestigious", as if I wasn't aware of that. I mean I can't expect him to understand because he never had the chances to do what I'll be doing but yeah I don't want to let anyone down because I can totally relate to the whole "family celebrity" that the OP mentioned. But yeah it's difficult to change the way that your relatives think, especially if they're older, so yeah just remember that college is something you are doing for yourself and not for your family despite what they might think</p>

<p>my family in china calls me long-distance over the holidays to tell me to study hard so i can get into an ivy league school. they think that good stats will get you in anywhere, because that's how it is in china. </p>

<p>i agree that you should definitely tell them about some great people who got rejected. if you don't know anyone you could always make one up, i guess.</p>

<p>insubvert, i completely agree!
my long-distance calls always end or begin with how are your grades, or study hard!
atleast i have support!
:)</p>

<p>My mom really wants me to get into the Ivies or equivalent. I have no interest, nor the grades. I've found my dream school and it's just one of the California state schools, not even a UC. I just wish she'd leave me alone and let me have fun with my last year of high school. I hardly know my friends and now I'm about to enter the part of my life where I never see them again. I've stressed myself out and I just need a break before I break down. I never really wanted to be an Ivy-Leaguer, and I'm feeling that more now then ever. I wish my parents would understand my strength is in my work-ethic, not my intelligence. I can only do so much on work-ethic. I feel like I'm a prisoner, having to make straight "A"s without it actually being possible. She is requiring me to take every AP offered. Fortunately, that's not possible with this year's master schedule.</p>

<p>An idea would be to tell them that thousands and thousands of qualified kids apply every year and there are only so many spots available - the top schools just can't admit them all. For every kid who gets accepted, there are a bunch of kids with similar stats/ECs/whatever who get rejected.</p>

<p>I've noticed that school or college are always prime topics of conversation with relatives - they want to know what you're doing how you're doing, where you're applying, what you plan to major in... Even my dad is disillusioned; he thinks I can get into Stanford easy with my 2150 SAT, even though I TOLD him that tons of kids (especially those darn CCers!) get in the 2300s! I've also noticed that it's a kind of Asian.. trait, I guess to want your kids to do something like medicine or engineering at college. I used to get so much crap for wanting to do international affairs and/or studio art that now I just tell everyone I want to major in chemical engineering - that shut them up! :)</p>

<p>lol - it sounds just like me - my parents seem to think that the only people i'm competing against is the people in my school hahahahahha</p>

<p>I'm loving this thread. Asian parents, so typical.</p>

<p>Mine think my future hinges on college. I'm actually a bit concerned 'cause my parents say they're willing to pay whatever to a top school, whereas I'd rather not waste $200,000 on undergrad... I hate my situation... all my life my parents were making <40,000 and now it's time for me to apply to college and they finish their schooling and start pulling in >180,000.</p>

<p>Man, I feel so lucky. We moved to the states when I was 5 (and even that was a stroke of amazing luck) and just having the opportunity to study anywhere in the United States is so amazing. And my parents understand this, as well as the fact that admissions are hard... and for some school (esp. my own personal dreamschool [Princeton] - a crapshoot)</p>

<p>Anyways, I'm sorry to hear about your families lack of understanding, and I hope it does get better, soon... somehow :)</p>

<p>I am Vietnamese and I can relate to what you are saying. I have cousins who attend top universities (Yale, Rochester) and in some ways, I end up hearing about their successes, so the pressure is there.</p>

<p>Fortunately, my parents are down-to-earth. They DEFINITELY want me to go to a four-year university, but they do not care whether or not I apply to an Ivy (I will not be). All my parents care about is that I receive a good education and achieving success in a career. My hope is to major in International Relations when I am in college and have already received looks from my relatives. My parents do not mind, but they are a bit worried about whether or not I can get a job with an IR degree. My aunt and uncle have told me to become a doctor, instead. It is funny because there was a period of time that I really wanted to become a pediatrician and would nod every time my relatives in Viet Nam asked if I wanted to be a doctor. However, nowadays, I just want to be able to travel which is why I think diplomacy would be a great field for me. </p>

<p>I think for immigrant families, not just Asian families, there will always be pressure. Everyone wants to succeed when they come to America and be able to live the 'American Dream'. And the majority of the time, no one wants to 'lose face' to their fellow Asian friends and family.</p>

<p>
[quote]
my family in china calls me long-distance over the holidays to tell me to study hard so i can get into an ivy league school. they think that good stats will get you in anywhere, because that's how it is in china.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Well, why don't you tell them differently and disabuse them of their notions? I UNDERSTAND that they all think good grades = Ivy acceptance. But that's not true. So why not just tell them ... that's not how it works over here?
I UNDERSTAND that they all think that Ivy acceptance = easy street (and non-Ivy acceptance means failure). But that's not true. So why not just tell them ... that's not how it works over here?</p>

<p>I have never seen a group of people so collectively bound and determined to keep on believing that how things work in their homeland is how they work in the US. It's the very antithesis of being "smart" - to deny that the rules are different in America. You all (students) know the rules are different in America. Why don't you simply tell them?</p>