<p>my children are slowly giving up some of their old interests. the youngest has just discussed giving up one of his extra-curricular activities that he has been involved in for years. he has always excelled in this ec--it has taken him many different places and presented many different opportunities. we feel it's a mistake, he (at age 19) feels it's a mistake to continue. i totally understand both sides of the issue. i only want what is best for him, but dh is totally against him giving up this ec. i wonder how others have handled this type of situation. </p>
<p>sometimes i wonder if my husband wants him to continue so that we still have kids doing kid-like activities that he, too, can enjoy?</p>
<p>I really feel strongly that it is your child's decision whether he should continue in an ec - especially at age 19! He is an adult and can decide for himself. Even if he was younger, what is the point of forcing a child to do something his heart is not in? It will lead to resentment. If your husband wants to continue in this activity, why doesn't he become involved as a leader or volunteer?</p>
<p>There's a thing called opportunity cost -- if you devote resources to one thing, you cannot devote those same resources to something else. Keeping up an EC may prevent your child from pursuing other interests.</p>
<p>My daughter, who is about to start college, is seeing this in a very blatant way. She is a serious and skilled player of a wind instrument, and she intends to audition for her college's wind ensemble. But I doubt that she will play with that group for more than a year. The reason: The rehearsals conflict with the meeting times of several clubs and organizations directly related to her major. As she progresses in college and wants to focus her interests in her major field, the opportunity cost of staying in the wind ensemble may become too great. And that's OK. It's her life and her decision.</p>
<p>Even if your child's EC doesn't directly conflict with new interests, the way my child's does, there's still the matter of having a limited number of hours in the week to pursue one's interests. Spending time on an old EC may limit your child's chances to try new things.</p>
<p>I actually went through this myself when I was in college. I had been a diver for many years and had been afforded many opportunities through that from ages 9-19. I had also been pretty successful and was named an All American during h.s.-also won the state championship that same year.</p>
<p>My mother was very invested in my EC because it brought her much vicarious thrill and pride. As an example, during the diving season, I had articles/pics in the city newspaper nearly every week, and I was asked to do TV interviews and such.</p>
<p>Although I selected my college with this EC in mind, I opted for the academic scholarship instead of the athletic ones I'd been offered because I didn't want to feel committed for the next four years. We had had some coaching upheaval and I wasn't as committed during my senior year of h.s. as I had been prior to that.</p>
<p>As it turned out, I did decide to give up the EC after my freshman year of college. I would prefer not to discuss why in this post, but I did want to say that my mother was unhappy with my decision. I, on the other hand, suffered no regret whatsoever.</p>
<p>I think it is VERY important that you stand behind your son and allow him to make this difficult decision. Committing to a demanding EC takes a great deal of time and effort. If he feels he is no longer wanting to do that, as regretful as you may be, I feel it's important that you support his choice and make sure he still realizes how very treasured he is just for being your son, regardless of his participation in the EC.</p>
<p>Looking at it from the other side, my oldest son played basketball all through middle school and half of h.s. I felt the effects when he made (in retrospect) the very wise decision to drop the EC. I truly felt a loss at his quitting because so much of our lives had revolved around this program, but I didn't let him know that. Instead, I supported him, knowing full well how difficult the decision had been.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you both, wbow, because I've BTDT on BOTH ends of this situation. Hope all works out for your son.</p>
<p>Our son gave up his sport after a year in college. His decision has turned out very well for him. He has freed up time for other ECs, and he is happy with his choice. (I miss him in the sport, but I do recognize that it was time to move on).</p>
<p>My son gave up baseball after high school. He and his hs coach were contacted by several college coaches during hs, and even though he doesn't think he's good enough to play D1, his coach still insists to this day that he can pitch D1. </p>
<p>I'd love to be a baseball mom; I'd love to continue watching him work magic; I'd love to tell my friends/family that he plays for the Gators; I'd love to be a part of all that. But it's his choice.</p>
<p>My mom doesn't understand some of the things I do. She doesn't see why I knit instead of crochet! She thinks skiing vacations are dangerous and a waste of money, but doesn't have a problem with touring civil war battlefields.
We've had out share of ins and outs related to the things she thinks I should be doing (control freak that she is).</p>
<p>My point is, I've lived through someone trying to steer my leisure time and it's annoying!! Don't do it!</p>
<p>I agree that it should be your child's decision whether to continue with an EC or not. We, as parents, can get very invested in our children's activities, as it sounds your husband has. Like another poster said, he can continue to be involved as a volunteer or coach depending on what the EC is.</p>
<p>Daughter is a skilled violinist and had made All State Orchestra all four years in high school. It breaks my heart that now she is not able to play at all because of conflicts with her coursework, labs, and other interests. I do think however, once they settle in their adult lives with jobs and families, these interests have a good chance of resurfacing. Maybe not at the skill level they were once at, but certainly at an adequate enough level to make this once-serious hobby very enjoyable.</p>
<p>My D had her piano recital in the spring and hasn't hardly sat at the piano since. I think this is a transition time and in her mind, lessons are done, responsiblity is done. But I think she will get to the point that she will play on occasion (like when she is frustrated - a time it helped relieve stress). But yes, it's her choice now - we've asked her to take a step moving on in many other ways - grad, choosing college, handling a job - these activities of the past become just that - the past - at least for the moment.</p>
<p>there reaches a point in life when you stop calling it an EC and it is then Life activities, if he doesn't want to do it anymore so what? should we expect people to continue in something forever? especially to please us parents?</p>
<p>and if it is an activity that takes alot of time what other actvities he may be missing out on </p>
<p>19 is old enough to change his mind and make decisions about his own life</p>
<p>there also may be stuff going on with the activity that S doesn't want to share, and that is his right</p>
<p>After years of choir, my daughter has decided not to participate in the college choir next year - too hard to juggle the practice schedule with studies/other stuff. She did just join an a capella group, though. At least I know she'll always sing!</p>
<p>Sometimes there comes a point where it just isn't fun any more. For whatever reason.</p>
<p>I know how hard this can be for the supportive, involved parent (having said goodbye to S's cello playing and uber-competitive soccer), but really, they have to make the decision.</p>
<p>As we jokingly (mostly) said to my H, post-soccer, the dad may have to "get a life."</p>
<p>-----just a note, though: S now plays on 2 IM soccer teams and has tons of fun and, last night, he took out his cello for the first time since last summer.....</p>
<p>My S gave up both fencing and tae kwon do at different points. With TKD, there was a definite schedule conflict. With fencing, he felt that he had gone as far as he could and was not that interested in competitive fencing. The good thing is, each is an individual sport that he will easily pick up later in life for recreation. I know many examples like those in this thread--sports, music, etc.--with no negative consequences. People's interests change, and I applaud kids who decide they want to pursue something new. </p>
<p>We need to be prepared that our kids may have this tendency in jobs and careers, too, because that's the way things are today. Some of us boomers tended to stick with our careers, for better or for worse. The work force is more flexible now in accepting career and job changes as the norm.</p>
<p>My daughter has been in church choir since she was 3, was in her school choir, has performed solos in church, etc. She told me that she probably won't be in choir in college ... I find it sad, because she has a beautiful voice & she has made wonderful friends through the years by being part of choirs. However, I do understand. She is interested in a different type of music now, and she plans to use what little spare time she has to enjoy that. </p>
<p>I played viola from 4th grade until I graduated high school. I have rarely picked it up to play since then, and when I do ... I usually wish I hadn't (as does anyone in hearing distance). At least my D will always be able to sing!</p>
<p>Son and I both gave up our respective musical instruments when we started college. I also remember the transition from being a chemistry major to medical school- from being heavily immersed in one field to abandoning it for another. It felt strange- I had devoted so much time, knew so much, liked it and then quit. "Ages and stages." You can't just add to your life, you have to edit it since time doesn't expand. I recently thought of some of the things my H and I did pre-kid (but abandoned with parenthood) and could do now that we become empty nesters during the school year and have the time. Golfing, spontaneous dinners out, weekend trips... Some things we won't do because of aging bodies, others because we've "been there, done that". Makes you think back on ALL the things you did once but gave up for other things. Sigh.</p>
<p>We have a very good friend who was, at one time, one of my son's baseball coaches. After his son was "done" with baseball (high school), he went back and started coaching LL at the T-Ball level. He's having a ball! With no kids of his own involved, he's JUST doing it because he loves the game and wants to teach the kids! How wonderful is that?</p>
<p>Another dear friend of ours whose kids graduated from sports, is umpiring baseball. He's semi-retired, so it keeps him out of wife's hair in the evening and on weekends. He LOVES enforcing the rules! He worked his way up through LL to high school level, where he now gets paid (not much, but it's more for the fun of it than anything else). Next thing we'll be seeing him out umpiring for the farm league up the street!</p>
<p>My son started on the A basketball team and walked off to join the D soccer team. We thought he was mad--but eventually he was named to the A soccer team.</p>
<p>It can be emotionally difficult for parents when their children give up an activity of long-standing, because moms and dads are involved by extension. Despite not being an intense sport parent, I felt a distinct loss when each of my older ones stopped travel soccer and then eventually school soccer too. As a family, we had spent many, many hours driving around the state to games and tournaments, shuttling them to weekly practices, and sitting on the sidelines cheering them on. We had also invested quite a bit of money on soccer, including camps and training fees. As a pragmatist, I had to fight the desire to see that time and money "pay off" for the kids' future. By that I don't mean fame and glory or a D1 scholarship, but rather putting to good use the skill achieved in the sport by actually playing it. However, neither child plays at all now.</p>
<p>Worse, though, was when the kids moved on to other endeavors, suddenly I was cut off from an entire community of other soccer parents with whom I had spent hours of companionship. Since these were not town teams, I never had cause to see these folks again as they did not live in the same community. While these folks may not have been my closest friends, it was still very hard for me.</p>
<p>I understand what you are saying & agree. When I put my kids into private school, suddenly my wonderful group of parent friends were doing things together without me ... and I never did find the same kind of friends at the new school. I was lucky enough to stay in touch with these terrific people, but it's just not quite the same. I am a firm believer that when one door closes, another opens ... but I am still waiting to see what is behind the next door ... it's opening very slowly!!</p>