all good things must come to an end?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>what this thread shows and reminds me is that we as adults need to be sure and nuture friends and our own activities outside of the realm of our children</p>

<p>its is not a loss at all, life is about change and growth and exploration</p>

<p>to make a adult person feel bad and try and guilt them into staying doing an activity (remember, the are not really EC's anymore) is unfair</p>

<p>so they quit soccer after 10 years, or stopped the serious piano after 8, many kids have been doing the same thing for over half their lives and when they get to HS or college, the options are wide open</p>

<p>and sometimes it is not fun anymore, and is tedious, and they see all the other things they want to do</p>

<p>and if we don't have those weekend events to fill our time, look around and see what you have missed- museum showings, concerts, walks on the beach, craft fairs, charity events, walkathons, volunteer oportunites</p>

<p>the thing to do is not look at it like a lose, but just a chapter ending, and something else new and exciting around the corner</p>

<p>we need to let go of counting on our children to entertain us as they get older, its our turn to take care of our selves</p>

22

<p>I never in a million years thought my (college sophomore) son would give up Jazz Band for Ultimate Frisbee, but I was so happy that he felt free to make that decision. And I know it was not an easy decision for him.</p>

23

<p>What they give up now they may go back to later - for fun. My D was a serious dancer, injured during an ABT New York summer intensive to the point where she could no longer take class. This was the summer before her junior year of high school. She danced some through the rest of high school but quit altogether her freshman year of college. Then, sophomore year, lo and behold, she starts again. No pointe shoes. Lots more wiggling around in these performances:). But she loves it again and is choreographing dances for the club she joined next year.</p>

<p>I learned the recorder as a child. Did not continue through high school LOL. Found myself playing again when I took a job as a camp counselor in France at the age of 18. Who knew, right? High school activities can be with us one way or another for a long time...</p>

24

<p>i appreciate all of your comments.</p>

<p>there is a bit of pressure for my son to continue with his "life" activity as he was recruited for this activity. i feel very badly about not returning for a second year when i think he could contribute quite a bit. his father seems to think that no one will respect him for not honoring his commitment. </p>

<p>i have spent time consoling him this past year. it was such a hard year physically and mentally. i just don't want him to do it anymore. i just want him to be happy and find the things that do make him happy. </p>

<p>he will not be playing this sport at a professional level, so if he has to give it up sometime, why not now? and i seriously wonder how my husband thinks he can make him work out or go to practice. it is very much a typical power-struggle between father and son. </p>

<p>can you tell i'm having a wonderful summer? i just want to run away.....anyone want to go with me?</p>

25

<p>My daughter is also a serious dancer, went to a few ABT summer intensive. She has also played piano for 10 years, but she has not gone near the piano since HS graduation. I am wondering if she will continue her ballet training when she enters college this fall. We are leaving it up to her, but I do love to watch her dance.</p>

<p>We think it's our right/obligation to tell our kids what to do until 18, after that they are on their own. I really hope she'll continue to dance.</p>

26

<p>wbow, my friend found herself worn out from the stress of trying to get her 3 teen boys through their life decisions ... a few weeks ago, she decided to drive from MI to South Dakota all by herself! She had a very peaceful time ... but she had a tough time turning around & heading home. Nothing had changed, but she did feel better about taking some time for herself. It truly is as hard for us to see our kids struggle with the tough decisions in their lives as it is for them to do the struggling (maybe even tougher, since we can't fix things for them anymore, and that is a frustrating place to be).</p>

<p>On another note, by 48 year old H recently joined a rock band, the fulfillment of a lifelong dream :)!</p>

27

<p>colleges are grown up institutions, and they are used to people not returning to a sport, recruited or not</p>

<p>so long as he can still go there, who really cares what a few sports nuts think?</p>

<p>does he have to be physically injured to not play anymore? if he went into the program, stuck it out for the year, and says, hey that is not for me anymore, that is not quitting, that is adjusting to realluty</p>

<p>and so what if he would contribute, is that the only reason to do a sport? there are so many other ways for your son to contribute to society and maybe he wants that chance</p>

<p>who really knows the whole story about the team- the players, the coach, the rest of the BS he may have had to put up with- some programs aren't always totally ethical, some are shoddily run, some are your entire lives, etc</p>

<p>mom needs to talk to dad and tell him his son doesn't need dad bugging him about this- dad can't make him play, can;t make him return to the sport, and if dad does indeed keep it up, son may not want to come home for holidays and that makes mom irritated</p>

<p>again, so what if he was recruited, we are talking about an institution that is in this for the $, and they will get over it pretty quickly, its actually pretty selfish of dad to put this pressure on his son, he is thinking pretty much about everybody else but nit what his son needs and wants</p>

<p>let your son contribute all he has to some other realm of society, he seems to want to, this narrow focus on a sport, no wonder he wants out, everybody is telling him stay stay and if he is unhappy, well, ignore that</p>

<p>some relationships, even one with a sport are not good for you</p>

28

<p>wbow, something not crystal clear from you Original Post is whether your H disagrees (and you're regretful) because you think he's giving up something you think is somehow better/more meaningful/more worthy than the other choices he's continuing. </p>

<p>If someone gives up an instrument, they may be recognizing that it's a part of their life but they won't have a professional career in it. You can't take away the learning that came from all those opportunities, even if you never play it again. And as many indicate above, while someone might put an instrument down for a time, they rarely sell it. Often they resurrect it in a lighter, more pleasant form (community orchestra).</p>

<p>If it's a sport, similarly it just may have run its course for your son. </p>

<p>Are there other EC's left (and I like another poster's calling them "Life Activities" now!) or nothing left? Even if there's nothing left, it'll probably become filled in college, where new opportunities await that don't exist in high school.</p>

<p>I do know that when my eldest had to choose between soccer and theater in 9th grade, the moment he let go of soccer, he had all the time he needed to rehearse and his theater work took off. So dropping one thing might allow him to excel in another.</p>

29

<p>wbow,
Sincere (hugs) and sympathy.<br>
It is a good lesson to teach son right now NOT to feel like he HAS to do something because he was recruited. That's a lesson you do NOT want to instill in him. It's a mindset of "let them pick me, not me pick them." That's NOT the kind of mindset you want him to have the rest of his life!</p>

<p>He should be the captain of his destiny. Otherwise, who is?</p>

<p>Screw the sport, or EC, or whatever it was he was recruited for. What's more important, the coach/director? Or his happiness?</p>

<p>Are they gonna kick him out of school for quitting? Yes? No? If no, then who cares?? He needs to do what's best for him.</p>

<p>Geez, I'm a woman who has been told since I was knee high to a grasshopper NOT to be "guilted" into doing stuff I knew was wrong for myself. Have we reached the point that we need to start teaching it to our sons as well (I thought it was just a girl thing)?</p>

<p>Get H in a good mood and discuss this with him in a loving way.</p>

30

<p>his happiness is foremost in my mind. i have known that he was not happy this year with the demands of his sport at the collegiate level. i have tried to make my husband see the signs, but unfortunately, he is in denial.</p>

<p>i love my son. i want him to be happy. i can't believe my husband is reacting so badly. yet, in some small corner, i do understand why he doesn't want my son to quit doing something that in the past has meant so much.</p>

<p>my son has a passion for golf--i say just go play golf. quit worrying about the rest and get on with a happy life.</p>

31

<p>Weenie-Ultimate Frisbee seems to be the motivating force in my girl's lives these days, and has replaced many previous activities. Hopefully not forever, but you never know. I hoped one would play tennis for her Div 3 school, but maybe not, frisbee instead. </p>

<p>Youth soccer..my 23 year old's team parents still camp together every summer. The "kids", now mostly college grads, come with us, or more likely not. The team moms still have dinner together in the winter. Still my favorite people, from those days spent sharing lives at the sides of soccer fields. </p>

<p>It is important with this post HS time to find ways to keep these people in our lives that we still value. Quarterly dinners, books clubs, hikes, whatever. I'm anticipating long term friendships with some of these people as we move through more transitions in our kids' lives. But takes finding some stucture, as friendships atrophy easily with the busy demands of life.</p>

32

<p>I learned the lesson of becoming too invested in my child's activity when my daughter, who was a high level gymnast (a sport I adored) quit to pursue serious ballet training (which I don't like). My younger daughter has reaped the benefits, though, as she has always been free to do dabble in whatever without my "well intentioned advice".</p>

<p>wbow - at this point, I would tell your son to do what makes him happy and let the chips fall where they may. Your dh will get over it. Time & distance will help. I do suggest not getting into endless rounds of arguing/discussion over the issue - just inform of the decision once and tell him it's not open to further debate. Your son may have to leave the room (ie. set boundries) if dad keeps trying to discuss it.</p>

33

<p>If he is receiving money from the school, then of course he has to do it. Otherwise, "my plans have changed" fits many situations. LOL</p>

<p>You may find he wants to get involved in a different way eventually. We have a huge church-based sports program here and the college guys love to be coaches and refs. Each player gets equal time and only positive coaching is allowed. There is something so sweet about a 19-year-old guy saying, "Hey, that was a good try, buddy" to an awkward 8-year-old. I'm amazed at the dedication we see (especially at 8am on a Saturday!!)</p>

34

<p>wbow, reading your post #30, "I can't believe my husband is reacting so badly. yet, in some small corner, I do understand..." </p>

<p>This could also be your husband's coping with "empty nest," to hold onto the past. If so, he's overemphasizing this sports crossroad (in your mind) because he's working through much deeper, more important feelings in his heart.</p>

<p>The sports discussion sounds like the tip of an iceberg to me. So often people argue hard about something that symbolizes something else that's deeply emotional. </p>

<p>If he's sounding repetitive and argumentative, what about cutting through it all and asking H, "Are you sad because S's leaving home?" (Have tissues handy).</p>

35

<p>Is it possible that your H doesn't want to let go of the "my son plays D-whatever golf" thing? Or that he doesn't want to tell his family/friends that his son quit because he's afraid of what they'll think?</p>

<p>There was a time long ago when my kids wanted to quit an activity, and I DREADED telling my parents (their grandparents) because I knew they'd have a fit. (Sometimes they are real control freaks) I could just hear them telling the rest of the family about my "quitters". </p>

<p>Similarly, within our ex-high school community, we have some real gossipy moms/dads who like to keep track of what all the graduates are doing, but not in a nice way, if you know what I mean. ("Did you hear about John's son? He went off to XYZ on a tennis scholarship and he ended quitting after one year...must not be as <em>all that</em> as everyone thought he was in high school...")</p>

<p>At any rate, if that's the case, it's hard to swallow your pride sometimes and let go of what people are saying (especially when it involves your kids!).</p>

36

<p>It never ceases to amaze me how little time it takes for forum vultures to circle and peck at anyone who is struggling with a problem--looking for the spot that's weak or bleeding. The fact that one might be feeling sad, grieving a loss, or having a tough time adjusting to change does not mean that one has done anything wrong, or failed in any way. This is just life!</p>

37

<p>GFG,
I haven't noticed any vultures, and I certainly hope you're not responding to my post^^^.</p>

<p>I was pointing out that H may be responding to other factors that exacerbate his inability to come to terms with it, namely the opinions of family and friends. Gossip and criticism about kids who go off to college are, sadly, a reality.</p>

38

<p>No, wasn't referring to you, thanks! Assisting others in understanding what's going on inside, why they may feel the way they do, etc., is helpful. I took your comments that way. But in every thread, including this one, there always appear those posts that seem to imply (or at least they can seem that way to the people who are feeling bad already) that the particular problem/issue wouldn't have become a problem/issue if the poster hadn't done x or y, or had had a different attitude/response, or you name it. While sometimes this may be true, sometimes it's just life and being human. Feeling loss when your child stops an activity after many years does not necessarily mean the parent had no life outside their child and didn't work to maintain their own interests or relationships. The lives of people in loving, healthy families become intertwined, that's all; no fault or blame.</p>

39

<p>wbow- I can see running away for 5 weeks (can you tell when move day is?). Hang in there. BTW, where are we going? Since this is a fantasy getaway we won't have any conflict, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning... when we get back, right?</p>

40

<p>the H is pressuring his son to continue doing something that makes the son unhappy, gee, that is healthy and shouldn't be looked into</p>

<p>mom is unhappy because H is doing this to son</p>

<p>if a parent is so invested in a adult offsprings activity that he is pressuring son to keep at it though it is not what the son wants, that is just wrong</p>

<p>we are not talking about college, or work, or anything like that</p>

<p>we are talking about a sport, and if the player can still go to school, though he was recruited, and not play the sport, so what</p>

<p>the school and dad will just have to move one</p>

<p>I can bet you dad brags about his son and that sport, and doesn't want to have to tell people his son decided not to play anymore, even thought son was really good, that is dad's pride involved here and he needs to remove his ego from sons activities and just be grateful son is doing well in the rest of his life</p>