<p>Wbow is your son on an athletic scholarship? Is your husband upset about losing the financial assistance? Is this a college level sport? If D1 many people are truly unaware of the time commitment involved. At a minimum 20 hours a week. It is a job not an EC. If he is on a travel team more. What is his major? If he is in engineering or the sciences there are many labs to fit into an already busy day and can really lead to burn out. His academic goals should come first. Sports tend to renew on a yearly basis. If your son stuck it out for a full year and wants to quit before the season begins he is not doing anything wrong. Coaches are used to having players quit after a year of participation. Has your son spoken about this to his coach? If his reasons are indeed sound, the coach will let him go without pressure. If he feels your son has other reasons that are not as well thought out then he may indeed be able to convince him to continue. If I were in your shoes I would work with my husband to get your son to go have a serious heart to heart with the coach. If the coach feels ok about him leaving perhaps your husband will too.</p>
<p>I am not a parent but I always hear my dad echo the phrase " You will regret opportunities you neglect to pursue" Now this phrase makes some sense to me. I still play the sport I love but I am pondering over whether to drop it or not. I most likely dont have a shot post-hs except in a CC or maybe NAIA. I do not want to be 35 and think "what if" like many people do. Because sports take up alot of time and bring on uneeded stress I fiddle with the prospect of quitting. But I think in alot of cases its better to see how far the sport will take you because regrets sucks.</p>
<p>Most college scholarships are guaranteed for one year at a time. Your son sounds like he has fulfilled his one year commitment. If he is ready to move on, as long as he does it in an honest and forthright way, his reputation will remain intact. His coaches/teachers/whatever want and expect kids with a 110% commitment. If he cannot give it, he should free the space up for someone who will.</p>
<p>It is sad when a child discontinues an activity. I felt that way when one of my sons quit his activity. We just focus on the time it freed up and how fortunate my son is to follow other interests.</p>
<p>One of my friends had a son who quit a major sport in college rather than have surgery, rehab, and go pro (a real possibility). The father had a hard time with it, pressured the son, and created a rift in their relationship for about a year. The son was able to focus on his studies more, graduated summa cum laude from a TOP law school and got a very high paying job. You know the saying, when one door closes....</p>
<p>Good luck. All of you will adjust with time.</p>
<p>"you will regret opportunities you neglect to pursue"</p>
<p>turn that around and think about all the things you may be missing because of so much attention on the sport</p>
<p>maybe the son regrets that he didn't get much of a chance to pursue other opportunities beyond his time consuming sport</p>
<p>there is more to life that one activity, and parents need to step back and not feel sorrow when a kid quits something</p>
<p>again, parents need to admit when it is THEIR ego invovled, ie the dad and his football son, dad ahd to tell friends his boy wasn't playing anymore and was probabl bragging about the son</p>
<p>if parents admitted this to themselves when they want a someone to hold onto an activity, it would really help with letting someone else's stuff go</p>
<p>My husband was on athletic scholarship (wrestler) at his college where he was a petroleum engineering major. I cannot tell you how hard it was to handle both and he could not quit because he needed the scholarship money. He was a gifted wrestler, three-time European theater champion for his weight class (he's an Army Brat) and went to US Olympic trials...wrestling was something he truly loved. But after three years of juggling all the travel, practices and the stresses of being on such a restricted diet with a strenuous academic schedule, he lost the love. By senior year, he finally took out loans to finish school and gave it up. As he said, 'I don't love it anymore and it won't serve me after I graduate...time to let it go'. His father was his trainer and coach (his brothers were also European champions in their weight classes) and it was hard for him to accept too. It took time, but he was fine with it eventually. Time puts things in proper perspective.</p>
<p>Something that makes all this a little more difficult, and complicated, is the fact -- at least among people I've seen -- that some (not all) athletes / dancers who spent a lot of time on their activity, and reached a pretty high level, risk getting lost a bit when they finally step away from it. I'm sure it doesn't happen to everyone, and if it does happen that doesn't mean the initial decision was wrong. But you can't rely on the idea that the kid will drop his sport and immediately replace it with similarly successful endeavors in other admirable activities. He may drop his sport and stumble around a bit.</p>
<p>CGM I bring the coach into this because in this situation it is totally appropriate. There is an intense relationship for athletes with their coaches that at the college level is completely separate from the athletes parents. In this instance if the athlete was recruited to play he owes it to the coach to discuss his feelings and give the coach the opportunity to respond. I would absolutely view honesty with his coach as an obligation. Apparently dad believes the son would be backing out on an obligation to play should he quit. If the coach doesnt feel this way then dad's major argument will evaporate. In the end the coach could become this boys greatest ally in restoring peace with his family. As another poster stated, coaches don't want players (at the college level) who are not 100% committed.</p>
<p>"obligation to play" what does that mean, that he should play forever even if he hates it, ever think that maybe the coach is a jerk? and that the team was a bad fit</p>
<p>when do we allow an ADULT to make up their own minds about something like a sport</p>
<p>this whole attitude that this sport is so important, well in the grand scheme of life it is minor, even if some here want to give it all this power</p>
<p>Some obligations don't have to be kept, and sometimes it takes a mature person to admit that and move on</p>
<p>we are treating this young man like he needs his parents and his coaches permission to change his mind and his life, and that he can't make a smart decision, because it upsets daddy</p>
<p>All this young man owes anyone is telling the coach asap so coach can make plans before tryouts</p>
<p>I for one am not in the habit of making kids through guilt or supposed obligations to stay with something that makes them unhappy- what is the point of that?</p>
<p>CGM I can tell you are a very independent person, so some of this might be hard for you to understand. If an athlete is recruited, they are usually given admissions into college because of, and order to play their sport. (not in all cases but in many) There is certainly an expectation that the athlete wants to play for the college. You are right in that there is never a forced situation, and players who are unhappy may quit. That being said most sports involve a team and there needs to be consideration for those teammates as well. An athlete owes the coach who recruited them (thereby securing their admission) the respect and courtesy of talking honestly with them about their position on the team. You are also correct that perhaps the athlete has not enjoyed the coaches style or not meshed with the team. Those things happen all the time. It does not excuse a recruited athlete from showing the coach and his teammates the respect of talking honestly with the coach before quitting the team. I am also of the belief that an athlete who has commited (barring certain situations) ought to make every effort in finishing out a full season before leaving. Every team has limited space on the roster so an uncommited recruited athlete is taking a spot away from another student.</p>
<p>My husband played the trumpet through High School and was first chair all state band his senior year. He started as a music major in College but realized that he had done so just because playing his horn was simply the most pleasurable thing he knew, but he didn't want to teach it and didn't think he could make a living at it. So he quit, and didn't pick it up again for 20 years. About 8 years ago, he started practicing and joined a local band. Three years later he joined a very good Philadelphia based band and they play about 35 times a year. I think it's neat that he found the time and made the effort to get back to something that was so important to him in his past. So, even if a young adult gives up something now, it doesn't mean that it's lost forever.</p>
<p>It's hard for us as parents when a child gives up an activity; it is a reminder that their childhood is ending. As a parent we get invested as well. I am wondering what hubby and I will do when we don't have volleyball, baseball and basketball games, band concerts, and dance shows to attend in a few years! </p>
<p>But I echo that those skills and the love of the activity will not be lost. I played clarinet for 13 years (5th grade thru college), then didn't touch it for 12 years. One summer I saw in the newspaper that there was a summer Wind Ensemble in the area for adults and college students. I joined, rehearsed for 6 weeks and played in a concert. Such fun, a reminder of why I loved it and such relief that I could still play fairly well! It was great for my kids to see me enjoy it as well. </p>
<p>I also understand the "opportunity costs." My daughter is trying to play volleyball on a good high school team, and continue to dance competitively at a strong studio. Both activities almost demand that they be her top priority, and I can see that if she REALLY wants to be among the best at either she would need to drop the other. But she's 15 years old, and I like that she doesn't have all her eggs in one basket. We'll see how long she can keep up the balancing act and what she finally decides to do - if she can be happy being "pretty good" at both, or if she gives up one to be great at the other.</p>
<p>CGM No of course the students admission should not be rescinded anymore than if they decided to change from the major they initially entered in. I just think that there is no "I" in team. Talk to the coach and let him/her know what you are feeling. It is common courtesy. As for students who are recruited and don't even put in one year, without a really good excuse my opinion is they should be ashamed of themselves.</p>
<p>collegemom,
Along the same lines as you were saying...</p>
<p>When S was in hs, his football coach and I were discussing whether or not he planned on playing in college. Several of his teammates had gone on to play in the Ivy league. S had excellent grades and scores, which made him a competitive recruit on the sliding scale, even though he wasn't a superstud football player.</p>
<p>Anyway, I asked the coach what would happen if S got himself a spot in an Ivy using football to get his foot in the door, but then conveniently decided it wasn't for him after/during pre-season training. He told me it would probably not be a very good reflection on the credibility of himself (as the coach who helped get him in) or the school, thereby jeopardizing future players' chances.</p>
<p>It is true by being "pushed" to follow a sport can hinder the pursuit of other activities in life. My dad also played college football at a d-1 school so maybe thats where he gets some of motives from. I've heard from others such as coaches to pursue something youve worked hard in as long as you can (usually sports becasue you can't competively do them later in life) through smaller colleges,semi-pro and other outlets. However if you don't love or have any inkling to pursue it anymore, then just let it go. I feel if you let it go knowing you don't feel anything towards the sports anymore you won't have regrets.</p>
<p>Sometimes kids don't know who they are once they stop a time-consuming pursuit that has partially defined them for years. Especially in the realm of sports, kids become known around school and town as "the good football player," etc. and it can be hard for the student to imagine what his life will be like if he stops playing. All he may know is that he wants out. I agree with JHS that the student may not necessarily jump right into another endeavor and even if he does he may not experience similar success. He might need time to just rest, and then gradually discover what he will do with the extra time. The OP's husband may be worried precisely because his S wants to quit but may not be able to verbalize his reasons nor have a plan for what will replace the time previously spent playing. In other words, the father may have general worries about his son's overall motivation in life.</p>
<p>the end of a tough few months for all of us....dear s finally did make the decision to quit his sport. i am not upset with that decision....but i am upset with how he handled it. i asked him to report in person immediately to meet with the coach. i gave a specific date as the deadline. he did not make that deadline. he struggled for the next few weeks, but finally decided to give the sport a go one more time. he arrived at preseason, went to two meetings, then met with coaches to inform them of his decision. he is now on his way home as classes don't start for a while.</p>
<p>it's not about the sport. it's not about quitting. i'm just disappointed that it wasn't handled better.</p>
<p>what's done is done. i will welcome him home. i will support his decision. i will discuss my unhappiness with the process, but not the actual decision.</p>
<p>now, what will he do? what will i do? who knows.....i guess we have time to sort everything out.</p>