I think it’s kind of unfair to compare this kid or family to your own or other families. This kid “insisted” on being brought home every weekend to get through her “terrible” year at UMass–which, really, couldn’t have been THAT terrible because she did really well in her classes and got along with her roommate. If I had a kid who insisted on coming home like that I would not agree that she should go far away at her transfer school. Going to get her 4 hours away also means driving back 4 hours (8 hours in car!) and then doing it again to get her back to school. Yuck! No wonder these other kids never come home.
The bus/train option might open up the school options, that is all.
It’s also not appropriate to demand the kid can go somewhere else for Thanksgiving just because others do it. I personally want my daughter home for Thanksgiving. It means a lot to our family. Every family is not the same.
Ellen didn’t pick a new major for her daughter–the daughter is exploring other options and other schools. Given that she’s squeamish being smushed in rooms rubbing elbows with a lot of people this might be better for her overall anyway.
The likelihood that a college kid who is 3 hours from home vs. 2 hours from home is going to have to stay on campus for Thanksgiving is… exactly zero. The family lives in Massachusetts, not in a remote area of Nevada or Montana where they might be 100 miles from the nearest town. There is not a single place in Massachusetts whether you’re talking a rural area in the Berkshires or south of Boston near Fall River/New Bedford which will not have easy access to a bus route.
The parents do NOT need to “go and get her”. The kid can take the bus or train. And she can pay for it herself…if she wants to come home every weekend.
And re: holidays…we would have loved to have our kid here for Thanksgiving too. But she knew that we would be paying for TWO round trip airline tickets a year…December and summer. She knew it up front.
But really a four hour bus ride isn’t the end of the world. And parents don’t drive both ways…they don’t drive…at all.
Red poodles, we are pointing out options. Just as you want your kid home for Thanksgiving, some don’t find this important. Some do.
There are lots of options within a 4 hour drive of most places in Massachusetts…not so much so within two hours.
My D went to school in Florida. Way back when we were deciding, we found it less expensive for her to go to her dream school there rather than her second choice in Indiana. It would be a 12 hour drive or $400 r/t ticket to Indiana versus less 2 hours and no more than $200 r/t to Florida, where there are 5 major airports within 3 hours.
D came home during breaks (being in Florida and us in the northeast, she was going against the air traffic (vacationers)), thus making it much cheaper to come home during major holiday breaks. She spent Easter at a friend’s family’s house in Florida, but came home during winter break and Thanksgiving.
On occasion, when we found fares for less than $100 on weekends, D has been able to come home on random Thursday nights, returning to Florida by air on Sunday.
If I had a kid who was coming home every weekend is be sure to make it clear that if she went a few hours away that would not be happening any more unless she arranged (and funded) it herself. Given that she’s coming home because she doesn’t like being at school, isn’t better for her to be 3-4 hours away at a place she wants to be?
I totally agree, which is why I used Burlington/MegaBus as an example of the range that would be easy on Ellen but also give the daughter many more options. This is up in my original post to this thread.
I just remember the post in the other thread where the daughter “insisted” Ellen go get her EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND if the D were to survive UMass.
This isn’t the usual kid. 2 hour rule might be warding off battles (picking battles) in this case.
What happened to Simmons? It seems to have a lot of options for this girl.
It is hard to understand why someone who really wants to be a pediatric nurse, and has done exceptionally well her freshman year, would pursue a different career path. It seems in the long run, this would lead to unhappiness and resentment. When you say she can’t find a nursing program that fits her criteria, are you speaking about the academics of the nursing program, or other aspects (urban, things to do, a certain type of dorm experience)?
I also think a lot of posters upset with the two hour rule don’t understand Massachusetts. We have more Ph.D.'s per capita than anywhere else in the world. There is a new college every 10 feet. I’m kidding, but it sure feels like it. This girl has a LOT of choices with a two hour radius, if Providence, Boston, and Amherst are in that radius now. There are also MANY hospitals where she could intern/work. So many choices, it’s ridiculous. It’s like she’s hit the lottery with this location and her field. However, I still vote for opening it up to places she could easily and cheaply get to that wouldn’t be a hardship on mom.
This thread is incredibly sad. OP, for what it’s worth I think you are being a little selfish. You’ve admitted that you screwed her over last time around, so now it’s time to trust her judgement. Otherwise I think you’ll find yourself wondering why she moved to California or Alaska (or Sydney) as soon as she could, aged 25.
Forcing your daughter to go to a college close to home has resulted in her being very unhappy this year. You need to let go and stop forcing her to go to the wrong college or pick a different major because you are struggling with the idea of her being farther away from home. It’s not normal for kids to come home every weekend, especially just because their mothers miss them. Many mothers miss their children but they are also able to understand that this is about the child’s growth not about their own emotional desires. Your daughter has done remarkably well considering how unhappy she is… please give her the chance to spread her wings and fly.
I thought the daughter was in the driver’s seat regarding any college change. Seems like she should be in the driver’s seat for a major change as well.
Can’t you just give her your price point, and say “let us know where you get accepted that meets our price point?”
I know you are just seeking ideas here…but I will say…I transferred after my freshmN year with absolutely no idea what my major was going to be. I was a sophomore, just like your daughter. I took courses that I thought were interesting…and voila…a major!
If she wants to continue nursing, she certainly has some choices in your 2-3 hour radius. If she doesn’t want to continue nursing, that is a whole other story.
Poodles- I understand Massachusetts very well, which is why determining a two hour driving rule is nuts. I don’t know where the OP lives, but there might be another two dozen colleges if the range gets expanded to what- three hours? Take Peter Pan from Hartford instead of a ride from Mom and Dad?
I think you need to reboot. Just looked at your other threads. Correct me if I got this wrong.
Your D went to a school she hates (UMass) and you want her to stay there. Yes, she wants to come home every weekend because she hates it and it was your idea… It sounds like that was a deal you made between the two of you. She stays at the school but you go get her every weekend. Not because she can’t live without you but because she hates her present environment.
Now, she is transferring somewhere, anywhere because she still hates it and you again have limited her options to the point of having her find a new major but blaming this on her.
Here’s the kicker :Why do you think if she went to a place where she was actually happy that she would WANT to come home? Or is that the real problem?
I’m well aware finances can be topmost in your mind and that they make a difference but posters offer real solutions to this. I think you need to get priorities straight. You are being extremely short sighted.
I don’t understand changing majors as a solution to this dilemma, given the clarity of the student’s focus, demonstrated ability and employment opportunities in the field. It seems extremely expensive to pay for an alternative degree as a placeholder, rather than have her capitalize on her current successes and acquire relevant experience.
We know several good students who wanted to gain admission to their school’s nursing programs after freshman year who didn’t make the GPA cut, causing interruptions to their educations. A shame to create such circumstances unnecessarily.
As a girl who is away at school. I come home approximately 3 to 4 times a year total. I really don’t have time to come home more. Ultimately since she is paying for school (I base this on the fact that she will have student loans). It is really her choice to go away and I hope you will support her decision with enthusiasm, otherwise she could end up resenting you, if you are contributing you should give her the same amount and let her allocate the funds as she sees fit. I know my dad drove 9 hours each way to get me one christmas when we could not make the flights work with my schedule, he seemed happy to do it and I can honestly say it was wonderful talking to him on the drive. I’m sure you would do the same. Good luck.
I like the advice of letting the d handle the transfer. Give her a bottom line–I can pay “X” a year, and let her figure out the rest. If she picks a school “too far” from home, don’ t go get her every weekend like you do now. Tell her the “X” amount you can supply towards her education needs to include money for transportation to/from school.
Say nothing about the major, except to let her know that you love and support her no matter what she decides to do. It’s her career, after all.
I do understand Mass as I lived in New England for 5 years (college and 1 year after). Hence my earlier point that a 2 hour limit seems laughable to people who live in the non-tiny states.
Especially since the student wants to be in a city, I can’t imagine many places in the entire Northeast would be that hard to get to and from.
It’s not going to be cheaper later to get the degree. No aid, missed salary (add that in for how many years the education is postponed).
What I do glean is that D even though she is doing well is very unhappy to the point where she has decided that it has to change and she can’t live in her environment anymore. She and mom made a deal for her to come home every weekend as a coping mechanism. Not enough. Hence the transfer.
To change majors rather than be reasonable about school distance is a power tactic by OP.
All the options should be explored not limited by a mile radius. If D was actually happy maybe she wouldn’t want nor NEED to come home. Which is as it should be.
Let’s just hope she gets into Northeastern. What the heck happened to Simmons and Boston College? Why are they no longer on the radar? Other schools in the area–MGH, Emmanual, Fischer, Regis, Salem State, UMass-Boston, I mean, there are many options other than Northeastern, however it seems the girl would rather change majors and go to Providence C. than consider these? For pediatric nursing, there is no better place to be IN THE COUNTRY than Boston Children’s.
