She’s just had her first couple of days of classes, and her classes are evidently pretty large and overpacked. She doesn’t like lecture halls, and the fact that her anatomy and nutrition classes are upwards of three hundred, and her mythology class is about 250. These classes are in lecture halls that are barely large enough to contain them, and she feels uncomfortable being packed into seats where she’s touching both of the people next to her and cannot see the person in front of her.
I don’t want her to come home, and I told her that; I told her that my husband and I will not cosign student loans if she decides to do this. She’s upset and feels that I care more about the prestige of her education over her happiness.
I don’t know what to do here. I said something terrible, that I already regret (“you’re destined for misery”) and I honestly don’t feel like she trusts me, but I don’t know what to do.
It is so hard being a parent when the kids are unhappy and want to come home. Can you ask her to finish out the semester? I know it is early, it could get better. Did she choose the college herself? What did she originally like about it? My dgt became very ill when she was studying abroad in India, she had problems with the anti-malaria drugs. She really wanted to come home, she was physically sick and homesick at the same time. It was so hard to tell her no. She stuck it out, changed meds and made it through and had a great experience. She has since told me it made her a better person. She forced herself to get through it and feels that if she could remain somewhere in that situation she can manage about anywhere. So, for us it turned out well, but it could be so different with you. And it is so hard to get them over a hump when so much seems to not be going their way.
If she is just unhappy, I’d tell her to suck it up in a polite way, of course. Loans were taken out, it sounds like, and she needs to power through this very brief time in her life, which will be over before she knows it. Your comment about being destined for misery was really awful though, and you owe her a remorseful apology, as you know.
Is this child far away or in a local school?
Mine stuck it out at a boarding school (that child’s choice), and we had these days where nothing sounded better than getting out of there and away from those people. That one got over the hump and overall, now believes it was a very useful experience. That one did come home on weekends though, when it was possible.
If she were physically ill though, but could travel, I’d want her to come home.
Does she just not like the bigger classes? Or is there something else going on? I went to a state school with bigger class sizes (usually around 200-300), and it’s often the most crowded in the first couple of weeks of school. After a couple of weeks, the rooms often get roomier as people drop the class or skip classes. Also, if she sits at the front of the room, she’ll often have more room in front of her. Even if she doesn’t want to sit in the very front, there’s often less people in general in the front of the lecture hall than in the back. Also, if she gets there a little early, she’ll likely be able to get a seat at the end of the row by the aisle so
That being said, I think there has to be something else going on for her to want to drop out or transfer. How are things going outside of the big class sizes?
She’s been there since first semester, she’s wanted to leave since first semester.She’s at the state flagship; she agreed, but was not necessarily happy to go there. She agreed to finish out the semester, but called my husband upset and texted me saying she wanted to go to the local community college.
She went to private high school, so I don’t want her going to a cc for a semester.
One of my first reactions to your post was to wonder if there is an anxiety problem going on. The part about touching people on either side: was that just your way of describing the lecture hall situation or does she have a phobia of some sort going on? Does she have any history of mental health issues?
Many freshman classes are large, and as the student gets further into a department the experience is more personalized. Lecture classes usually break into smaller discussion groups once or twice a week. Has she experienced that? She might want to talk to someone in the department she wants to major in about how classes are going to go over the next years. She might also go talk to a support person on staff or a counselor, just to see if her feelings are valid or if she needs to try to transcend them.
One of mine left school after the first two weeks of sophomore year. I chose to trust her perceptions and she seemed to know what she was doing, and things worked out. We got out of the loans for that year. Another one of mine had trouble the first few weeks and blossomed. it is hard to give any general advice: it depends on the kid.
If I were you I would tell your daughter that you trust her and support her. Ask her if she can try to talk to someone and consider staying until just before the withdrawal deadline (when you can get money back still).
if she still wants to leave, maybe honor that. I don’t know why you would say you will not co-sign loans. I don’t think carrots or sticks are appropriate here. Just a loving support that helps her get past the bump, or, alternatively, helps her-and you- understand that it is more than a bump. Chances are your support will help her stay more happily.
Perhaps a liberal arts college with small classes would be better for her. Perhaps she is one of those kids who needs to be closer to home. Perhaps something happened socially. Perhaps she has developed some anxiety. there are all kinds of possibilities. I think the main thing is to work together toward the best resolution.
Has she made inroads into transferring? I also suggest that she does look at some local programs. Just because she went to a private high school does not mean community college is a shameful thing for her I know ivy league kids who have used those resources AFTER they graduated from the ivies. To eliminate a viable option that may be the best for her mental health and well being is not a good idea. If she is truly that unhappy that things might take a downward spiral, it might be a good idea for her to reprise her plans. Believe me, this is not the worst, by far, of bad situations at college with kids. There are many ways to get through college and sometimes the first picks are not good fits.
I agree with you. But neither you nor I nor anyone know what her mental status is. These are difficult years when mental demons come up to do so much damage. Most of the time, things settle down as these young adults mature, and become self sufficient, but these are the years when things are just so uncertain. You cannot force her to stick to it, and if she’s truly in trouble, she may not be able to do so either. It’s a tough call to make as to whether this is just complaining and that she can be talked through this, or if she is heading for a crisis.
From your other threads it seems as if she has been miserable there and wanted to transfer from the start. I am wondering how you got her to go back for the second semester?
Large state colleges, especially after small, intimate private school classes, can be completely overwhelming to some kids. My college roommate that first year nearly left because of the enormous lecture halls, but stuck it out because of a rare major. By sophomore year the classes get smaller, closer attention from profs, etc. But getting there isn’t something all kids can handle.
Just insisting that because your D was at a private HS she should never go to community college is cutting off a whole range of options that might suit her better. My first post on CC was to ask about traditional colleges with certain programs because my own D wanted to change her direction and didn’t like her college. While some here did basically call my D a loser, I got some great advice that a community college might work better for her, and you know what? They were right! She is in her mid-20’s now, fully launched and completely self-supporting. She loves what she does and has risen quickly in her field.
Some kids need a little longer to mature, or they need a different setting than they thought they wanted. Try to remember that your kid is not YOU, and their path to adulthood my not be what YOU would have chosen. I get the impression that you ARE a bit more concerned with how it will look with your D taking community college classes than her actual success (that whole destined for a life of misery thing).
Please listen to the subtext of what your D is telling you-she has not been comfortable since school started (like mine) and you can probably expect that won’t change. What you need to help her with is to find out WHY and what solution is REALLY best.
Encourage her to give second semester a little more time. If she’s set on transferring the best thing she can do is to continue to get the kinds of grades she got first semester and focus on her transfer applications. Are you in favor of her transferring? If so, let her know. She’ll be in a much better spot with a full-year under her belt - especially if she keeps up those grades. Of course, there may be financial considerations w/ a transfer,too. Even more reason to complete one year where the costs are lower and rack up some credits. At the very least, she should give it until midterms - or whatever the last date is you can withdraw and get some $$$ back. If she knows you support her transferring for next year, it may help her get through this semester. It’s totally stressful / upsetting when they call so unhappy - hang in there and good luck.
I agree with compmom - I suggest your daughter talk to a counselor at the student health center as soon as possible. It’s probably nothing serious, but you don’t want to take a chance. It WAS serious with my son. Came out of the blue. I wish I had read between the lines a little sooner.
Please take what she’s saying seriously. If she is that miserable, she’s likely to crash and burn at some point. Student loans won’t matter at that point.
Like compmom’s child, the university was wonderful when my son had to drop out of school the second week. They refunded ALL of his tuition. His co-op housing also refunded almost 100% of what we’d paid for room and board. People WANT to help students, especially when they’re struggling. As I’ve had to learn the hard way over the last four years, “IT’S NOT A RACE!!” Losing a semester or more is not the end of the world, trust me.
We haven’t cosigned a loan yet-we’ll have to if she goes to any one of the privates she likes-but we won’t do it if she doesn’t finish out the year at her current school.