Fingers crossed on Northeastern!
I wouldn’t make your daughter responsible for her brother. When she’s a nurse, she can’t take time off like that whenever you want. She really shouldn’t be doing it as a nursing student because she needs to study. What exactly is your daughter doing “to help out” with your son that she can’t do by writing letters and skyping now and then?
I’m confused. In one of your other threads you said you wanted her close to home so YOU could go visit HER; there’s no mention of your son.
Why did you “pressure” her to attend a public school but will allow her brother to look at pricey private colleges? Is she expected to leave her college on alternate weekends to go visit him at his school? If not, why make coming home a condition of her college choice at all?
This is one of those times you really need to figure out what the priority is. Is it your daughter staying close to home because you want to see her, or is it her education, her happiness, and her finding a major and a career that she wants? As a mother of a HS senior, I understand that it is very hard to let go. I am very close to my daughter but I don’t think that forcing her to stay close to home is the best thing for her. I’ve been following your threads from the beginning, and I honestly think you need to figure out what is the most important issue here.
“she needs to be around for her brother and the family; if I want her home for the weekend for whatever reason, I want her to be able to come.” - I’d like my Boston home son more too, but he’s quite happy being 2000 miles from home. I explain to friends that I would have like him to stay in CO… but it’s about HIM, it’s not about ME.
However we should cut you some slack because all families have different circumstances, and from the tone of your posts it sounds like yours is dealing with a lot of stress these days.
Has your family tried doing video skype? It’s a great way to stay in touch, with a much more personal feel than email and text msg. In your case, it might be a nice method for your son to reach out to his sister as needed now and when he heads off to college.
I hope that there are other supports available to her brother and the rest of the family, so that what she brings to the table is realistic, fair to her and not the result of a lack of any professional services that may be indicated. Family support can often be meaningful, yet not a substitute for other types of relevant expertise.
That said, it is hard to weigh in on this ambiguous situation. I have seen young adults over-burdened by family circumstances and it is painful if other alternatives could be created.
My son just graduated from Northeastern. It’s a wonderful place and I hope your daughter is able to attend.
I also wanted to address the idea of her changing majors should Northeastern not work out. If she wants to be a nurse, then that is what she should do. As a teacher, I would highly discourage a person from majoring in education just because the school does not offer the major they want. Being a teacher is tough and unless it’s what a person truly wants to do, I see no reason to attempt it. Being a nurse is tough too but it sounds like that is where your daughter’s heart is and you should encourage her to follow that path.
My family is going through a stressful time, and we need her close to help out as much as she can. Maybe it’s not fair, but it’s the way things need to be.
As for making my daughter look at publics while my son has seen more privates; they are different kids with different needs. He needs smaller class sizes, something more personal, or there is every chance in the world he would not go to class. My daughter is completely different-very motivated kid, kills herself studying, and will do well no matter where she goes. She wants to leave UMass, and will do so by any means possible, but she’s smart enough to get where she needs to go. So yes, maybe I’m allotting more resources and attention to my son, but that’s because he needs it right now.
Sorry to hear that your family is going through a stressful time. It is admirable that your daughter is willing to come home from school 2 weekends per month to “help out” with her brother. However, I wonder if you realize how this pressure, in addition to the fact that it’s fine for brother to chose a “pricey, private college” while your daughter was coerced into going to a less expensive one, undermines THEIR relationship. By your own admission, you and your daughter do not have the best relationship, and now you are forcing D to come home to “help” with brother. How long do you think it will be before your daughter starts resenting all the sacrifices she has to make for her brother? If you continue down this path, their relationship will surely suffer. If your son has issues, he needs to work on them with his parents and the appropriate professional, if need be. Leave your 19 year-old out of it. Your son is your responsibility, not your daughters.
Wait, why is this her responsibility? I understand why you would want to allot more resources and attention to your son, but I don’t understand why your daughter should be forced to make such large sacrifices for her brother. You’re asking her to go to a college she hates or switch out of nursing, because you’re unwilling to make any compromises with her. This is not going to end well.
Is somebody sick? This was my first thought.
He’s not sick, but he’s going through a rough time and we need to have all eyes on him and all hands on deck; she’s doing fine and he listens and talks to her, so if she isn’t around, we don’t know what will happen with him. Currently at Amherst, she’s coming home 2-3 weekends a month; I expect her to keep that up at Northeastern. If she went to somewhere more than a couple of hours away, I’d imagine she’d be less willing to come home; I would miss her and her brother would suffer.
@Ellen94 Is he seeing a professional?
I am sorry your family is having a hard time. But it sounds like your daughter is being punished for her motivation and drive. Just because she can make it work, doesn’t means she should be forced to.
Is this the son who is going to college next year? So he won’t even be home?
It’s great that your kids have a supportive relationship with each other. I can understand your wanting that to continue. But the way you are forcing the issue isn’t fair to your daughter and it’s not realistic. And I have to wonder if you would have the same expectations if their genders were reversed. Would you expect a son to give up his dreams in deference to his sister?
I am starting to wonder if the OP is just stirring the pot. It just seems too odd, so many of the restrictions.
My son is 2.5 hours away and I miss him enormously. I would love to see him once a month. But I know that that is not a good long term plan, nor is it what he needs. He needs to spend his weekends working on homework and creating his own experience.
My D is still home and is going thru way more than “a rough patch” with her health and other issues. There is no way in heck I would ever burden S with this. In fact, it gives me relief to think of him being engrossed in his own work and not being distracted by his sisters issues.
I really do hope the OP chimes in with exactly her priority is for this daughter. And why she thinks it’s ok to demand that her D come home whenever she wants.
Last fall my MIL was dying in hospice. We told our son of course but issued no ultimatums. We knew his grandmother would be sad if he had to sacrifice grades to see her. At this point she was in a coma. S ultimately did drive down for a short two hour visit. I’m glad he did and it was the right decision but we had to let him figure that out. I can’t imagine summoning him home just to have a family dinner.
These are the preferences I have for my daughter. I am chipping in for the education-therefore, I feel I should have a decent amount of say where she goes and when she comes home. She needs to foster her relationship with her family, and being close to home will help with that. Furthermore, when she comes home, it won’t be hundreds of dollars. This is no new restriction; the first time she applied to colleges, she was only allowed to apply to schools within two hours.
@Ellen94 If all eyes have to be on him, how is he going to be able to go away for college? Is he getting help?
Rather than fostering her relationship, there could be irrecoverable damage. She’s almost 20. Can she have a boyfriend? She might just leave for Sydney after graduation.
I think this situation is extremely unfair to the daughter, specifically the requirement that she comes home so often - a very unfair expectation. Agree with the person above - if someone is forced to visit so often, they very well might move far away as soon as they get the chance. However, I don’t think OP will change her mind, so I am going to bow out of the thread.
I don’t think it would be healthy for her brother to know that he is restricting her opportunities.
That must be a huge burden.
Find other supports for him.