I’m getting an uneasy feeling looking at OP’s profile, she only posts about this and has started 4 threads on very similar topics. I don’t know what to think truly but it seems to simply involve complaint after complaint directed at UMass, a school that most students I have met love, myself included. I just don’t know what to think, I can’t simply rationalize all these reasons to leave and be willing to attend community college simply to leave UMass, which has a solid health program and low cost. It just makes no sense whatsoever to my thinking. It seems that OP’s D is making complaints just to leave, whether or not she actually believes them. I don’t thank any other top US school could be possibly as terrible as she, OP’s daughter, makes UMass sound… Who knows… (Of course OP’s D is entitled to her opinion)
Once your son goes to college, will your daughter be expected to visit him 2-3 times per month to monitor him? Or will BOTH kids be expected to come home for this monitoring that includes you? I’m just trying to figure out how you see the next couple of years.
Are you saying you’re concerned that he’s going to harm himself? If so, it’s not fair to put that kind of responsibility on your daughter. She’s not qualified to be a therapist, nor should you expect her to be. Whatever’s going on with him is your responsibility. If he won’t talk to you, maybe you should take some of that money you’re willing to spend to send him to an expensive private school and get him some professional help.
According to your threads, your daughter isn’t doing fine. She’s miserable, but you’re just ignoring it because what she wants doesn’t suit your needs. If you need “all eyes on (your son)” and you and your husband can’t be there all the time, then you need to hire someone who can. Forcing your daughter into a situation where she has to pick a major she doesn’t want so she can transfer to a school she likes better (but is still within your limited range) isn’t fair to her. Justifying it by saying that she can always return to school later for what she really does want doesn’t make it okay.
If I were you, I’d be making plans for my DD independent from those of my DS. I’d allocate whatever I could afford to each (and if his has to go to therapists and whatever other professionals he needs to get him back on track, then that’s where it would get spent). I’d give her a dollar limit and let her go wherever that can take her, no matter how far away it is. I’m hopeful that whatever road bump your son is encountering is a short term one, but if he’s suffering from depression or another lifelong condition, I’d have a well thought out plan for the future (after DH and I are long gone). I would hope that would include a relationship with his sibling that’s close enough that both will check in on each other now and then. The amount of pressure you’re putting on your daughter is likely to drive her away.
I can understand the desire to dump a majority of resources on the child who’s needier and hope that fixes whatever’s wrong, but I don’t think that’s a recipe for success. Your son doesn’t seem any better for it (your daughter’s been coming home a couple times a month since fall semester and you expect it to continue all through her sophomore year as well, if I’m understanding your posts correctly), and it’s not helping your daughter either. I think you need to try something different.
Even if you decide to dump the majority of resources on the son who is needier, those resources should not include your daughter’s time or autonomy.
I’m confused as I thought you said your son would be going to UMass next year, but now you say he needs a smaller college with small classes? I know you said that you didn’t go to college so don’t always know what to expect. Expect at any college that they won’t care whether your son goes to class or not. It won’t matter if the class size is 20 or 200, if he doesn’t go he won’t benefit.
It really sounds like, for your family, you’d be happier if they both lived at home and attended community college. It doesn’t have to be the final decision, and in a year maybe everyone will be ready for a different set up. It will be hard for your daughter to give up the educational opportunities a big school might offer her. It may be difficult for her to get all the prerequisites needed for admission to a nursing program, but you may still think the cc route is best. That’s okay. Some decisions are hard and require giving up other opportunities. I don’t think you are wrong to restrict your daughter’s choices for the good of the family. Many people do this for financial reasons or because they know their child and they know that schools too far away, too big, too challenging would not be good for the child or family. It’s okay to set rules even if they may seem unreasonable to others. My kids want cars at school. I’ve said no (and won’t let other family members provide them). I know my kids. I don’t want them having cars. Others find that unreasonable. I’m okay with others thinking I’m unreasonable, and it’s not the first time, won’t be the last.
It’s okay that you in want your daughter within 2 hours of home, but you have to accept that she’ll be giving up a lot. I don’t think you should be requesting ideas for her to change majors. That’s something she needs to decide. I don’t think it was unreasonable for you to offer UMass as the only college you were willing to pay for since none of her other options were affordable, but now you need to let her figure it out. No UMass? Okay, but here are the restrictions: parents will only provide $15000/yr and must be within 2 hours of home. Don’t worry about whether other parents on CC think it’s unreasonable, but own your decision and restrictions.
None of the other options were affordable because Ellen94 didn’t get around to filing FAFSA for any of the other options. I don’t find that reasonable.
I am surprised the son needs so much attention. Given this, HE should stay home and go to community college. He should definitely not go to UMass if he is fragile. The extra savings can go to support your D’s hopeful admission to Northeastern. The less loans she has the better.
My philosophy–the kid who does the work and has a proven track reccord should get the financial support. A kid who doesn’t show up for class–well, why spend your life savings on that? I wouldn’t. (My own S will probably go to community college or the local state U for just that reason.) Maybe your S should take a gap year. Sounds like he needs it.
The OP is astonishingly selfish. What a horrible situation. I would not be surprised one bit if the daughter just runs away or marries the first guy she dates just to get away from her family situation.
“None of the other options were affordable because Ellen94 didn’t get around to filing FAFSA for any of the other options. I don’t find that reasonable.”
Her daughter could have filed the FAFSA with any other school with the click of a button once it was filed at UMass. We all know it is pretty easy to add schools to the FAFSA forms. She said her daughter had FA at St. Amselm’s. Her daughter agreed to go to UMass, so they stopped pursuing other schools, just like I did with my daughters once the decision was made.
I just think people are rude to Ellen94, telling her she’s selfish and uncaring, that she should give the money to her daughter and not her son. She’s explained they have $15k/yr for daughter but now the daughter wants to go to a school that costs $30k. Daughter has a good option, UMass, but she’s unhappy. I understand that, but that doesn’t mean the daughter should get more money to go to another school or that the mother should change her restrictions. I know I’d tell my daughters no, that $30k/yr was too much.
The point is that the OP has muddied the waters with a new reason why her daughter needs to do things at every turn. If her daughter is getting this same tug-o-war of mixed messages it’s no wonder she is confused and unhappy.
Your D is also looking for smaller class sizes… not sure why this is something you will seek for your son, but not your daughter. It seems like she is being punished for being the more focused and high performing of the two. And I really, really think as a parent you are asking your daughter to do your job if you want her to take time off from college to come look after your son.
But here is my guess… I am guessing this parent has a lousy relationship with BOTH kids, and only with the D around can the mom get any communication going with the S. That is why the OP is dependent on the D being around, because her own issues have alienated both of her kids. OP… gonna be honest, I think you should get some counseling. Your treatment of your D could very likely send her running as far from home as possible as soon as she can.
I have a young relative who is the eldest kid, and her mom has pulled some really rotten stuff over the years to try to get her to stick tight to her family, including a major guilt trip for the eldest on “taking care” of the younger ones. Eldest is pretty bright, and figured out that (1) college far from mom, and (2) a major with strong career prospects actually would position her best to help her siblings in the long run. Eldest has even had a sibling living with her during college years. But eldest know this is a better route to adult independence for herself, and without that she really can’t help her sibs in the long run. OP, don’t be that parent… let your kids grow up and establish themselves in the world.
For NEU, Ellen’s daughter would have needed to complete the Profile as well as the fafsa. I do agree…the daughter should have been on top of these financial aid application requirements also.
I would love to hear the daughter’s ideas here as well.
I hope this all works out for the daughter, and the family as well. These do not need to be mutually exclusive.
“He needs smaller class sizes, something more personal, or there is every chance in the world he would not go to class.” – OK, that is sending off warning bells in my head. It’s a side issue, but one that OP needs to think through.
As I’ve mentioned before, SKYPE IS GREAT. There can be brother/sister bonding without a personal visit.
It seems to me that the son needs more parental supervision and small classes, meaning that he should go to community college for a while. The savings could be used to help Ellen’s daughter attend Northeastern.
Gosh, you guys. I just came across posts from the person who appears to be Ellen’s daughter? The whole story fits, the situation, the schools, the timing, the major, the LGBT interest, the financial confusion, except, last year the girl was EXCITED about going to UMass, it was “one of her top choices.” I also read she was deferred from Northeastern in early action last year, not sure of the ultimate result. Her college stats (3.85 GPA) are better than her high school stats (3.3 high school GPA), and, realistically, on stats alone, she might NOT have gotten a better financial package from any of these other schools, certainly not Northeastern. She became unhappy in her first month at UMass and she lives in a dorm (Central) full of 18 year old “alcoholics” who basically go out drinking “every night”–not her thing at all-- which I understand wanting to get away from. It just gave a whole other perspective to Ellen’s posts. No where does this girl say MY MOM FORCED ME TO GO TO UMASS WHEN I KNEW I’D HATE IT. She sounds happy and excited about it all along, even telling someone she loved the campus because it was like a city, except now, after she has lived on it, she doesn’t feel as if it fits her at all, and thus she is trying to transfer. It just goes to show, we really do not know the whole story at all. This could happen to ANY KID. My own kid, your own kid. My own D would be miserable in this situation too–the alcoholics, plus the giant classes, would do her in. Ellen’s daughter, if you are reading this, good luck to you! If it doesn’t work out with Northeastern or wherever, perhaps an apartment, the honors college, or a quieter dorm like Sylvan, Northeast (isn’t the nursing RAP there?) or Orchard Hill would be a better fit?
@redpoodles - Like you said, I think she should have chosen a separate dorm area, Southwest is stereotyped as the “party dorm” and Central as the “alcohol/smoking dorm”. There are many other dorm areas on campus that are very tame, some with virtually no parities. I guarantee you there are dorms at NEU that have quite a bit of drinking. It’s unfortunate that anyone would assume because one dorm is this way the others are the same. As someone who has lived in the Northeast of campus twice, it is usually quite boring and quiet.
Yes, Northeastern absolutely does have its own party and drinking scene. My niece used to go there from her smaller college to party. These are things every freshman has to navigate. I see articles in the paper occasionally about how the neighbors around Northeastern are very upset with some of the behavior of the students, but I also saw one article that paired students with elderly or something to help with shoveling this winter.
We can only go by what OP said. And what OP said was that her daughter didn’t want to go to UMass but relented because the parents forced the issue, they don’t know what financial aid the daughter may have gotten because OP didn’t bother to submit it to all the colleges, and now OP will only let her daughter transfer if she goes someplace that’s close enough for her to continue to babysit her college freshman brother. I wish the young woman a lot of luck. I think she’s going to need it.
wait, college freshman? Not HS senior?
She is a college freshman now, but also made some posts when she was a high school senior.