I’m sorry if this is already a discussion somewhere, but I didn’t see it.
As a former dorm dweller myself, I believe that I would have done so much better in college if I’d had my own private apartment off campus and going to more of a commuter school than I did. My son is an only child, he’s never had to share a bathroom in his life, is so modest that he locks the bathroom door just to wash his hands, and absolutely needs complete peace and quiet to do his high school studies. How in the world could he be expected to share a cubicle-sized room with a stranger for nine months and actually relax enough to get any homework/studying done because he’s so stressed out about this new bizarre living situation he’s found himself in and just the sheer distraction of the noise that comes with dorm living? He can’t even stand to have his close friends around him for extended periods of time … he needs that isolated time to recharge.
I’m just really concerned about this because I just found out that the nice little commuter university we’d had all picked out apparently has instituted some lame residency requirement for all freshman/first years to live on campus. This is going to mean a complete re-visiting of choosing a school. He is emphatically NOT interested in the “rah-rah” campus experience.
Does anyone have any really good suggestions for things we could do to get him “exempted” from this requirement? Anything that has actually worked without too much fuss with the housing directors at your colleges? I wonder if moving him to the vicinity of the school a few months in advance would do the trick. I can’t believe they’re pulling this anyway. This school has ALWAYS been mainly commuters, lots of adult students, part-timers, etc. Say what you will, but in their heart of hearts, when all the doors are closed to those administrative offices at the college, they are admitting that this is really all about the money and trying to get their hands on more of mine to pay for all of their recent construction on campus!
Seems like the perfect compromise would be if that campus has single rooms available for freshmen. This way he will get the dorm experience, and all of the positives that come with it, yet still have his own room to return to for privacy and quiet. It may cost you extra, but at least look into whether the campus offers single rooms for freshman.
He can avoid the in-room distractions by getting in the habit of studying and doing his homework in the library. It’s a better place to study than the dorm room anyway.
Probably depends on the school, which you did not name. The ones that I am familiar with that have a frosh-on-campus dorm requirement have various exemptions, including for students who live within a certain distance of campus and various categories of non-traditional students (for example: http://www.housing.sjsu.edu/housingaz/freshmanoncampushousing/ ).
Some studies have found that frosh who live in the on-campus dorms do tend to be more academically successful than other students. Of course, if cost is the limiting factor, that may end up overriding the benefit for the individual student if living on campus is just not affordable (although living at home and commuting is not completely free – the student’s costs of food, utilities, and commuting are buried in other parts of your household budget).
How big an issue is the cost, and what does he prefer to do?
I don’t mean to pry into your lives, but has he had a psychoeducational evaluation at his high school?
His behaviors about needing complete quiet and not being able to tolerate time with friends, may have an underlying psychological or neurological basis. If a diagnosis is made, then he might be able to get special housing under the condition prescribed. Was he ever in any group activities as a child? (Scouts, sports, choir?)
Additionally, no occupation is conducted in a vacuum.
What does he hope to accomplish for a degree and occupation? Will you be providing his housing after he graduates?
OP, there are often ways to waive the residency requirement. However, I agree that the best option is going to be looking for schools with single dorms.
Apartment buildings can be noisy as well–sometimes noisier than dorms. Does your son have other strategies for creating a quiet space (e.g. noise cancellation headphones, going to a library)?
What will your son do for meals? Will he be cooking for himself, or getting a meal plan? If the former, does he have experience with making his own meals and going shopping?
You know your son better than anyone, but I would focus on finding a single room, even if part of a suite dorm. Freshman year is the best shot at making new friends. My husband wanted our son to live at home but we have compromised that we will try suite style, single room (if he goes to school near us). Our son has shared a bathroom with his older brother all his life (though older son just moved out).
My son sounds a little more social, but he does need his space too. He needs time to decompress.
Luckily you are very early in the process, so you have some time to work with the school and/or seek alternative universities.
Only child here. I never shared a room or a bathroom. I survived living in a dorm…actually loved it.
My kids had their own rooms, and shared a bathroom. They both lived in tradition 1970s dorms with hallway bathrooms. They made lots of friends, and liked it.
Both of my kids moved off campus to apartments with fellow students for their junior years.
If you want your kid to go to a commuter school…then pick a commuter school. If he is going to a residential college…I can’t see why you would want him exempt from what all the other freshmen are doing.
If you are THAT worried, maybe he should just commute someplace from home.
At orientation, I lost count of how many times we were told by university staff that students who live on campus or at home with Mom and Dad are more successful academically and are more likely to finish in four years. The university my child attends does not require freshmen live on campus but highly recommends it - because statistics show the student is more likely to become plugged in at attached/invested in the campus, more likely to stay and graduate.
Our kids are flexible and resilient and can adjust to the changes of going from a single bedroom at home with no sharing to a double (or more) in a dorm and sharing a huge bathroom. What does he want? Don’t project your fears and concerns onto him - find out what he wants. He may even have an opportunity to shadow a current student, spend a weekend there in a dorm, and then decide. Is there an event for future students to spend a weekend?
^For both my kids, their closest friends were not classmates or kids in the same clubs or activities. They were the kids who lived next door or down the hall in the dorm. IMHO you miss A LOT by opting out of dorm life.
Just my 2 cents, but part of college is about trying out things and routines that we are not accustomed to- not perpetuating what we know and already have comfort with…but just my 2 cents.
Has he had any therapy for anxiety issues? I ask because the families I know in real life that have shared similar concerns were all dealing with anxiety issues. If he has, I suppose you could use that to help get him a single.
My eldest is an introvert who needs unusual amounts of quiet time to recharge. She always has. Even as an infant she would crawl away in the middle of play and sit alone paging through picture books for hours. She used to spend her recesses in elementary school walking alone or reading in a grassy corner. She wasn’t lonely or anti-social, she just needed to recharge so she didn’t meltdown in class. As she’s aged, she’s built up her tolerance and she’s learned how to get what she needs from any kind of environment. She adapted very well to dorm life. She reserves herself study rooms on nights she knows she’s got a lot. The library is open 24 hours a day and yes, she’s been known to work there in solitude until 3 am. She has favorite outdoor quiet spots when the weather is good. The college did a good job matching her both this year and last. Her roommates were also quiet and enjoyed their solitude. I’m not sure it’s as unmanageable as you imagine. D will live on campus all 4 years as to 97 percent of the student body.
The world isn’t going to get quieter for your son. Some experience living with others, gaining some coping skills might be worth a year in the dorms. Living in an apartment alone has it’s own challenges that he may not be ready for.
Yes, I think you are over-reacting. But frankly if he’s assigned to a dorm in freshman year and decides not to use it because he’s home every evening and weekend, whose going to say anything about it? There is no requirement that he spend a certain number of nights in his room. It’s a waste of money freshman year, but if that’s what it takes, he can go that route and live off campus in subsequent years. And he could surprise you (and maybe himself) by actually enjoying it. He just needs strategies to get alone time, as others have mentioned. At our state U, there were some kids who went home on the weekends - they missed a lot of campus life, but it was their personal preference and their room-mates LOVED have the room to themselves. I’m betting your S decides the loss of privacy is worth it to be connected socially with his class-mates.
Your #1 job is to raise your son to be a functional adult. College is secondary to that. As someone suggested he may need to have his anxieties evaluated.
You need to look within yourself to see if perhaps you are the one unable to let go. It’s hard and I dread having my son move away but he must learn to live with other people. Is your son going to have a private bath and bedroom when he finds a mate? I consider the college dorm good practice for future relationships.
There are reasons that they have residency requirements. I believe that the education is a big part of college (obviously), but the experience is also important. Moving from home, making friends, learning to cohabitate with others, etc. Why wouldn’t you want him to experience the normal college life?
I agree with the original poster that dorm are an unnatural way to live and can be harmful to some. That said, exemption or a single room may depend on an evaluation and letter/documentation from the appropriate authority, such as a medical MD, psychiatrist or psychologist. I do NOT feel this need is pathological but it is nevertheless something that can be dealt with through professionals and the disabillity office.
One of mine has migraines and seizures and other health issues. She made many friends in her dorm, but the single room helped her a lot. Last semester she did rent an apartment off campus and loved it. Alone.
Single room on campus or commuting from home seem better choices for freshman. He might not be ready to live in an apartment on his own, having to cook, shop, etc as well.
