I’m concerned about how my gay child will be accepted. He will attend a UC school. CA is progressive, but still, I am not sure how the roommate situations are for a gay kid. Thx
Not a parent of a gay son here. But- had some college friends who later made that discovery about themselves. So much better in today’s world. One of the guys just fit in differently with us girls differently than just being a guy friend so it was no surprise to find out decades later (that poor guy’s parents likely caused him angst).
Same as for any student. You don’t hit on your roommate unless there is a mutual attraction. In today’s world I certainly hope HS students heading off to college have learned to treat others without regard to gender issues, religion issues or a host of other differences.
Seems to me it could be a nonissue. His lifestyle does not need to affect his roommate any more than a heterosexual man’s does. As long as roommates are not exiling the other for the private use of the room or being intimate in front of the other occupant with either gender it is not an issue. Girlfriend/boyfriend- all need to respect the fact that a shared room means a lack of privacy and the roommate gets his/her space at all times.
Your son chose his school based on multiple factors. I assume he considered how well gay men fit in on campus- social groups et al. I’ll bet he can contact someone in a gay related student group for the inside information on which dorms seem to work best. I know UW-Madison has various organizations and even a dorm floor for LBGT students and those who support the lifestyles. The world has changed for the better!
Remember- it is HIS life. HE gets to choose his living space. He probably already knows which are his best options or is finding out. Being gay is only one facet of who he is. Other factors could play a much larger role in getting along with a roommate. College life is a real learning experience.
Important- how concerned is your son? Doubt he is unaware of how others react to him if they know this aspect of him. I am reminded of the horrors some parents have because the roommate is black/Muslim… anything different. Learning experience for the students.
Agree with all that. Hope most of the discrimination against lgbtq is gone. Just accepted to UC Berkeley!
I see no problems. From Wisconsin, similar liberalness (different demographics). H’s much younger CA cousin went to Berkeley, a HS classmate is an English prof there. The two most active campuses back in my day. Was in college at the tail end of the Vietnam War era- riot cops in spring in full gear but no demonstrations… Actually visited UC Berkeley years ago- even steeper terrain than UW! Great off campus area as well. Should be great academics and overall experience for your son! Congrats!
My son is a straight freshman. His roommate by choice next year is a gay man. They have a lot in common and thought they would like to room together, so they did. The young man who is gay was very sought after as a roommate because he works on the campus help desk. We met him once. He is out and proud, and is very popular for being “super nice.” Their college is not in a progressive area. But they are of an age for it to be not a big deal at all. This year’s straight roommate by decree is a drug dealer. We know next year’s is a squeaky clean pre-med and we couldn’t be happier.
My friend was nervous about her gay son too. He did post the fact that he was gay on the Facebook site where he got his roommate. That worked out fine but then she was worried when he wanted to pledge a frat. She thought it wouldn’t work out well. But he had no issue getting a bid for the house he wanted. The house has a few gay guys and they are very popular among the girls who they mix with.
Thx, reassuring to hear these comments.
I’m more concerned than my son. He’s only 17, just told me at 16, and has met no gay friends. Very early in his awareness. Came out gradually to his close friends. Not a big part of his overall identity. Just adds another layer to the unknowns. I can’t give him much advice on this chapter of his life. Aside from basic safety. Being in a sexual minority is daunting to me, but hopefully today’s generation is not full of the ignorance and hate of the past. I think letting go of my son into the bigger world is more anxiety provoking for me than it is to him, for sure. He’s a great kid, and most likely will navigate through whatever he has to with good judgement. Thank you.
You mean, “How did he choose dorm?” I’m not a mom (or dad) - I’m the gay son. My mom had no voice in how I chose my dorm (tbh, neither did I, since at my college, freshman dorm assignments are random, but you get the idea).
That said, I agree with @wis75. I’ve had absolutely no issues at all with my roommates and dormmates, either gay. straight, male, female, black, white, blue. I would assume it’s also a non-issue at UCB.
Everyone is unique, but it sounds like your son is doing fine. Being gay is just one part of my identity, and a small one at that. While I do have gay friends, I choose my friends for who they are as a person. So there is no set percentage of gay friends that anyone would/should have. Also note that he will probably come into more gay people (by a large percentage) at UCB than he did in his hometown.
I’m not a UCB expert, so another parent/student can help, but a quick google search revealed a lot of LGBTQ resorces there.
http://ejce.berkeley.edu/geneq/lgbtq-resources
With these, he should be able to navigate his way through.
Son got a single freshman year, by chance.
The only problems he has encountered about being gay came from some of his cousins - we hadn’t seen for years, but saw them at the funeral. They are ultra-religious and tried to lecture him about his gay life choice, and if he acts on his declared intentions he will be going to H-E- double hockey sticks.
Sad, really.
There is still a whole lotta stupid out there.
Some (maybe all?) of the UC’s have specific pages on their web sites addressing LGBTQ housing issues – some have specific theme-based housing included among options.
UC Berkeley: http://ejce.berkeley.edu/geneq/resources/lgbtq-resources/housing
UC Davis: http://lgbtqia.ucdavis.edu/support/housing.html
UC Riverside: http://out.ucr.edu/ourcampus/housing.html
Those are just the first 3 results that came up for me in Google with a search for “lgbtq housing uc”
If your son is headed for another campus, you can just add the campus name to the search I did and I’d expect that you will quickly find the appropriate resource.
I am the mom of an “out” gay son at Penn, which was rated to be one of the most accepting colleges for lgbt students.
My (currently a freshman) son “picked” a roommate from the class fb page where they ran a spreadsheet of students looking for roommates. They had many of the same ECs (orchestra, community service etc) and academic interest similarities…Son thought he picked a “quality” person as the student was also a coke-cola scholar i.e. lots of community service and wanting to make a difference for marginalized people in the world… (My son was a runner up coke scholar).
At the very last minute my son received a phone call from the student saying he couldn’t room w my son bc his parents had stalked my son online /on Facebook/ google and had found out my son was gay . So bc my son was gay the student wouldn’t be allowed to room w my son. My son told the student “thats literally the definition of housing discrimination” and the student said “well I’m Christian so its not”. Son said “trust me Im Catholic and it is”.
Nothing the school could do about it, but they gave him a contact w the lgbt student center and had an lgbt student contact him to make him feel more welcome. Their advice was to advertise for an LGBT roommate.
Son just went random selection. Luckily, he was put in a triple with one not at all homophobic student and one student that “tolerates” lgbt. The dorm room situation hasn’t been a problem… son has found many many people on campus that are very accepting…
Son has had to face homophobic preachers spewing hatred on campus on multiple days as he walks to class and the school can’t do anything… sadly lgbt are the only group targeted on campus by these hate spewers… in the name of free speech of course…
Also unfortunately he rushed a frat/ thinking frats are now accepting …and again he was slapped in the face with blatant homophobia. Son said the only lgbt students that get into frats at his school are the ones who aren’t out during rush. It seems to be semi ok though once you get in the frat to then come out, FWIW.
I think great progress was made but in this political climate some feel very free to voice their homophobia sadly.
@runswimyoga I’m sorry your son is going through all this. I would have thought Penn would be somewhat progressive. I do think there’s a trend in this country where majority groups, especially the young, think it’s okay to pick on those they see in the minority. It sounds like your son is strong and he is dealing with it.
@ricer1010 My son is a current freshman so I know there is no end to the worries we parents have for them . I would recommend that he get in touch with LGBT organizations at the school. He can probably find a roommate on Facebook if the school honors roommate requests. If he has a choice of dorm styles, hall style work better for socializing than suite style. My son was just telling me that he’s observed that suite groups become insular and tend to pick a fall guy to pick on. That is, in a group of six suitemates there will be one who doesn’t “fit.” He’s in a residential community and picked a hall room again for next year.
The school may be good for LGBT issues, but with other students who are potential roommates not known from before, it can be luck of the draw (even if most of the students are fine, you may get unlucky with one who is not, or has nosy less-accepting parents). Fraternities tend to have a more conservative reputation than most other campus organizations, though there are some [url=http://sigmaepsilonomega.com/wordpress/]exceptions[/url].
My son, who is straight, has a gay roommate. They were randomly assigned last year and decided to room together again this year.
I will not soon forget the panic I saw in the other boy’s mother’s face when my son started unpacking his bible and other Christian books. At first, I thought she was just afraid my son was going to be a jerk, but my heart really went out to her when I later learned why she was so worried. Christians have a deservedly awful reputation when it comes to the treatment of LGBT people.
But nearly two years later, they are still friends, and their shared space is a safe space for both boys. I hope your son finds a similar situation. It’s hard enough sending your precious kid to school without the added worry that they will be mistreated because of who they are.
Personally, I would have not pushed this issue, your son would have been worse off with this roommate, IMO.
I doubt that this is true. There are probably other hate-mongering preachers that you/your son just have not noticed.
Again, a blanket statement. While frats do tend to be more conservative, and some may be less tolerant, I know several out gay frat brothers at Penn.
Not to say that being a LGBTQ youth anywhere is going to be peaches and cream - it’s not. Kids are making the transition into adulthood and many, if not most, kids (even if they did not appear so outwardly) struggled to fit in in HS, whether due to gender identity, color, height, SES status, etc. In college, there is less of that, but remnants exist. Being “out” is less traumatic and has fewer “issues” than a generation ago, or even 5 years ago, but one will still encounter pockets of discrimination.
Such a reputation is probably mainly because the most anti-LGBT ones are the noisiest ones in news and politics relating to that issue.
http://www.pewforum.org/2016/05/12/changing-attitudes-on-gay-marriage/ indicates that majorities of Catholics and white mainline Protestants now favor same-sex marriage (and have done so since 2011). But it remains very unpopular with white evangelical Protestants, who make much of the noise on the issue. It is unpopular with black Protestants as well, though they make much less noise on the issue.
@ucbalumnus, you don’t need to school me. I’m an evangelical. I have been steeped in this stuff. I get it. But I and some of my fellow evangelicals are working to change this hateful attitude toward gay and transgendered people. We feel that their Maker agrees on the need for the church to change.
@3puppies, stuff like this makes me sad. And furious at the ignorance still being promulgated from the pulpit. No one chooses their sexually.