An extremely stressful school year!

Parent Cafe
1

I want to share our journey regarding one of the most stressful school year.
As some of you may know we had moved States and my daughter had started 9th grade in one of the most competitive Public schools in 2018.
My daughter was all A’s in 8th grade while taking advanced courses including finishing Algebra 2.
Her non weighted GPA in 8th grade was 4.5.
In 9th grade, she was enrolled in Eng1 H, French 2 H, HGAP AP, Geom H, Comp Sci, Bio H pre AP, ART.
Right from the very beginning things were not going well.
So basically she went from all A’s to all B’s with failing foreign language in the first semester.
By March we were seriously thinking about dropping French 2 for this year.
Somehow, at the end of the year she managed to barely pass French 2 with 70%.
Unfortunately, all her other subject grades dropped from B+ to B-. mainly because she did not do well on the day of the exam.
I calculated her GPA at this website https://gpacalculator.net/high-school-gpa-calculator/
She is passing with a weighted GPA of 3.1 which is such a disappointment.

She wants to pursue a career in IT, computer sciences programming etc.
By nature she is not highly motivated or ambitious and wants to do bare minimum.
Although she did try to work really hard, she did poorly in her second semester exam. (she was scoring A’s in all major test during the second semester but has 70’s in the exam itself in HGAP, Geom H ,computer science and biology H)
I don’t know what happened during the exam week but suspect that she had too much stress.

All of us want the best for our kids and I want her to push her limits and work harder.
At the same time I don’t want to make her life miserable either.
I can drop the idea of sending her to the top most university if that would mean she would be happy.
She is now thinking about which courses to select for tenth grade.
She will have to start new language as we are changing school district and they don’t offer french 3.
She will start with spanish 1.
I am also thinking about making her choose less rigorous courses, probably no Honors and less of AP courses. She has nothing new on her resume except for honor rolls and presidents achievements awards that she had received over the years in elementary and middle school.
She probably would need some society membership and some volunteer experience to put on her college application.
I don’t even know where to start.
Sometimes I feel I need a college application counselor or someone who can help guide my daughter prepare for college as I can’t do this effectively anymore. I am essentially a single parent and my job is extremely stressful too.
School counselors in her previous school were unfortunately very rude and unhelpful.

I wanted to share our ordeal here with the members as you have been very helpful and supportive over the last year.
May be I am also looking for someone who I can relate with.

Thank you for reading such a long post.

2

I’m sorry your daughter had such a rough year. I’m sorry that you had to go through the stress of her rough year.

With some of our kids, some of the time, maybe more than some of the time, like most of the time, college was not an issue we had the luxury to even be considering. Whether it be illness, physical, mental or emotional, disinterest, laziness, unruliness or plain flat out disruption and disrespect, other issues had to be given full attention. College, in these cases, wasn’t even on the agenda. Getting through the moment, day, week, month, year, was a serious challenge.

I think for your DD, getting through this next year, 3rd school in less than 2 years, with the least amount of trauma is the goal. Learning the material, learning to behave in class, getting along with teachers, other students, staying healthy, and having some joy in her life are the important things here. Stabilizing things.

There are many many ways of getting to a good, happy, healthy, self supporting adulthood, and college does not have to feature in it. It certainly should not be the one and only goal. It’s not like all bets for higher education are off if one doesn’t go to college right after high school. There are parents out there who can attest that a focus on college can be a damaging thing. For some kids it’s just one thing too much in terms of their mental health.

I wish both of you good luck. The focus this next year is for both of you to have a good year.

3

Agreed. Focus on her social adjustment, mental health, etc. College will sort itself out when the time comes.

4

Your daughter doesn’t have to go to the “top most university” and a 3.1 isn’t terrible for a freshman. Honor societies aren’t that big of a deal. Hopefully your daughter will choose some activities that she will enjoy and will be able to make some new friends at the new school. I hope your family becomes more stable so she doesn’t have to keep changing schools.

5

@angelofdarksideangelfromdarkside Sorry you are going through this with your daughter. Take a breath. Relax. It is early yet. Your child is having to adjust to a lot of things. She needs to decide what it is she wants to do with your ENCOURAGEMENT.

You said, “She is passing with a weighted GPA of 3.1 which is such a disappointment.” I hope you didn’t say this to her. Teens are fragile and parents have a huge impact on their self worth. IMHO you should be focusing on praising the positive, ignoring the negative and helping with those things that get her to be on track. She is taking a heavy load and high school classes are much more difficult than 8th grade usually.

You said,“I want her to push her limits and work harder.” As of right now she may have been pushed too far too fast already. The transition to high school is hard for some. I would urge her take classes that will give her joy, satisfy her curiosity and give her some success grade wise.

You said “I can drop the idea of sending her to the top most university” She will send herself to a top school or she will not. You cannot have an expectation so high so soon. You can share with her what top universities require and what she needs to do to get there but then she needs to decide. There are so many colleges and she will find her place among them. Don’t worry.

You said, “She has nothing new on her resume except for honor rolls and presidents achievements awards that she had received over the years in elementary and middle school” These accolades are nice but do not count for high school. Her resume started over in high school. Again she should be in activities that make her happy and pursue her passions. Colleges know padded activities. The ones that help her social and emotional self , give her the camaraderie of the those interested in the same interest along with depth in areas of interest should be the focus.

“I don’t even know where to start.” Start by talking with her. Listening to her. Make no judgements. Let her get it all out. Perhaps it is all too much. Perhaps it was another issue at school. Perhaps it is the school. Perhaps it is knowing she was moving schools. Listen to her and see what she says.

Hang in there. You seem like an interested and invested parent. Venting is good. This next school hopefully will be better for her. Have her try to make a relationship withe the GC. It is not always possible in big high schools but have her try. Then down the road when she needs help with classes, clubs, or colleges she will have made a person to help.

6

So you are changing schools for the second year in a row, correct? Wow, that’s rough. Before she starts at the second high school, consider asking them to give her some assessments to get an idea of where she might stand. You never know, at this new school she could go back to being an A-student again (not due to grade inflation, but due to her being correctly placed and levelled).

7

She just completed 9th grade. She has had a lot of moving around.

Please…please drop discussions of college for the time being. This isn’t nearly as important as helping your kid get adjusted to her new…again…school. It’s very hard to move around…hard to break into the new friends thing.

I’m hoping you can settle down, and stay put.

Re: letting go of top colleges…I think the discussion of top colleges…or any college…needs to be put on the back burner. It just creates another level of stress for this kid.

I’d start by listening…not talking.

8

Just remember UC schools don’t even count freshman grades. And all schools like and respect upward trend. And there’s a thread started on “hidden gems” for colleges on the parents forum. Great schools that don’t require top 50 school grades to be competitive. It usually all works out in the end.

9

I really appreciate everyone who took time to read this.
We have moved alot over the last 10 years mainly due to my job to the point that sometimes she had changed schools every 3 years. She always adjusted so well and grades never got affected so we were happy. This year of course was different. Two things are still on my mind.

I need to figure out why on the day of exams she did so poorly?

I just saw another post where people were talking about professional services regarding academic and college counseling. May be I just need someone professional private guidance counselor help my daughter navigate this process.

10

There is typically a big jump in both difficulty, and work load between middle and high school.

Does your D typically understand the material for homework and quizzes, and then struggles on exams?

What have her teachers said?

I agree with the others who have said to focus on her academics without the worry of college. She has time and needs to figure out how to succeed in her current courses.

11

She always adjusted well until now. She is entering a whole new phase of development and I don’t think you can expect the past to predict the future.

I hope you can take some of the advice here and listen to your daughter. Ask her why she thinks she did poorly. Ask her what language or science class interests her.

What does she do in her spare time? Does she have friends who come over? Does she like music or sports or art or debate? Extracurriculars should flow naturally from her interests.

12 
   The reality of high school is really apparent, how did your kid gain entry to this top competitive high school? Which state did you move from and to? And once again, you are moving schools?
13

I suggest you read about dyslexia and have your daughter complete a screening for dyslexia. Foreign languages are very difficult for dyslexic children, and adding foreign language onto a hard academic schedule can be overwhelming.

14

Sybylia She was all A student until now so got easily admitted and was offered the the rigorous course.
Moved from Maryland to Texas.
I am moving schools to go to a less competitive ISD.

Surfcity: In her spare time, she likes to play video games and read history books. She says that she was extremely stressed on the day of exam. This is the first time though that she has done ok on weekly tests but so poorly on actual exam.

Me and my daughter are now trying to come up with a plan for next year and implement it as soon as possible so that we don’t have to go thru the same stress again.
That is why I was inquiring about the counselors? Do they counsel in person or is it an online things.
How do you search someone reliable? I didn’t even know something like this existed until about 3 hours ago…

I appreciate all the input.

15

Your daughter is very young and has just finished ninth grade. Just leave her be. Let her choose the classes she wants to take. She does not need to plan right now what college to attend and what to major in. Forget about top colleges. She just needs to know that it’s okay not to be the valedictorian. A B is ok. A C is okay too. Just let her be her.

As for her disappointing grades, that is your problem. You need to show her that you value her for who she is, not her grades. I get the impression you are putting a lot of pressure on your child.

16

I wonder if your daughter was at the same school as my kids in Texas. Have you already pulled her for her current school? If not, you may want to speak with her guidance counselor . There may be options for getting help adjusting to high school.

17

Had you moved much before? I was a Marine brat. We moved every three years. Even with experience doing it, it was not always easy. And it got harder as I got older. Give your daughter a break. Please. She actually did a very good job in a very hard year. Freshman year in a new school? You need to take a deep breath, give her a hug, and relax.

18

First off, I’m sorry it was a rough year for your daughter. Secondly, I advise letting go the idea that she needs to be sculpted for college application season. What she needs is to feel comfortable in her skin, enjoy learning, find something she really loves to do and have connection.

Having B’s in 9th grade is not the end. My eldest is very highly gifted IQ wise. She skipped a grade and had huge amounts of academic accommodation through 8th grade. 9th grade, she had auditioned and was accepted to a performing arts magnet. Turns out, horrible academic fit. She got depressed, angry, despondent. She stopped doing the work and was getting a lot of B’s and C’s in classes doing material she had literally done in 5th grade. We moved her to a dual enrollment program in 11th where she could take all her classes at the college. Totally flipped everything around and she ended up not in an Ivy (only interested in Brown but rejected) but in a top 25 LAC and thrived. Graduated and totally independent with a job she loves by 21. Middle child too… same IQ but struggles with organization and planning. His whole transcript was littered with B’s, typically for stupid reasons like having completed work list in his backpack and not turned in. He still found many excellent schools wanted him and he’s doing great in college.

Basically, don’t try to reverse engineer a college acceptance. Don’t skip honors classes because she might get a B instead of an A. I’d much rather my kids work for B’s than coast for an A. Help her find activities she loves and leadership and service will stem from that as opposed to looking for those titles.

19

@angelofdarksideangelfromdarkside

I’m sorry your child is having a rough time. I can think of a few things that might be affecting her schoolwork.

  1. As mentioned above by many people, having to change schools frequently is likely to be stressful even for the most resilient child.
  2. Her former school may have inflated grades as compared to her present school. Her former school may not have prepared her well for the rigors of her new school.
  3. Related to #2, she may have been pushed too fast into too many demanding courses.
  4. She may have an undiagnosed processing/learning disability. Often very bright kids can find ways to compensate until they get to high school and then their coping mechanisms fail because of the quantity and complexity of the material. You may want to get her evaluated to see if this is a contributing factor.
  5. Don't push extracurricular or club involvement to boost a college resume. Right now, I would focus on making sure that she chooses courses that are appropriate to her abilities and interest. The rest will take care of itself in time.
  6. Talk to her. If she's feeling too much pressure/stress, ask her where it's coming from and how it might be alleviated. Some kids place stress upon themselves, some experience it from external sources, and for some it's both. Listen to what she says to guide her next steps.

Good luck!

20

And really, why must you move her again? What is her opinion?