Another ACT essay to score before exam; Please help!

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1

<p>Anyone mind scoring this essay for me? I'll return the favor!</p>

<p>Q: rather than concentrating on doing one thing at a time, high school students often divide their attention among several activities, such as watching television and using the computer while doing homework. Educators debate whether performing several tasks at the same time is too distracting when students are doing homework. some educators believe multitasking is a bad practice when doing homework because they think dividing attention between multiple tasks negatively affects the quality of students' work. Other educators do not believe multitasking is a bad practice when doing homework because they think students accomplish more during their limited free time as a result of multitasking. In your opinion, is it too distracting for high school students to divide their attention among several activities when they are doing homework?</p>

<p>In your essay, take a position, yadda yadda yadda.</p>

<p>A:</p>

<p>Quantity versus Quality, Efficiency versus Sufficiency. Finding the balance between these characteristics continues to prove the most logical solution to questions concerning any high school student's goals. Unfortunately, multitasking impedes those goals by lowering the status quo of quality and quality expected of homework. Though many educators claim that multitasking helps students accomplish more in a short amount of time, the work produced by such students rarely supports such a claim. Why? The answer is twofold, and it involves students' distraction and teachers' misinterpretation.</p>

<p>Students get distracted. Fact. When listening to a two hour lecture concerning subatomic particles and their relation to electron cloud densities, the apathetic student will inevitably succumb to boredom. Now let's add to the situation. Place on his ears thick black headphones, blare Metallica's "Enter Sandman," and, while we're at it, let's position a TV next to the lecturer. The programming is educational, of course. At this hour, I assume Thor is currently fighting to protect his native Asgard from frost giants. Does the scene look ridiculous yet? It should. Distractions like these inhibit even the best students from reading Harry Potter, let alone learning how to work a Fourier Series.</p>

<p>The next problem--and this is where most of the proponents of multitasking fail--is that teachers simply misinterpret what "tasks" students pay attention to while doing homework. (Here's a hint: we're not learning a foreign language with Rosetta Stone.) Educators assume students are always bettering themselves with other tasks. A professor's daydream consists of one student sweating on a treadmill while reading Les Miserables, another practicng ballet steps while deriving logarithms, and yet another gardening while reciting exact lines from yesterday's class poem. This is not reality. This, however, is a fact check: Young people spend more time glued to the television than any other age group, and they're not watching PBS! Once teachers abandon the illusion that students are unfailingly productive, they'll begin to see multitasking's true nature: always distractive, and usually unnecessary.</p>

<p>Of course, these problems--or rather, this "multitask" mindset--stems from an age where Microsoft is the new religion in a land ruled by Ipads and Ipods. Though technology has brought with it obvious benefits, educators have placed too much faith in it as a tool for learning. In consequence, student grades have plummeted, American innovation has declined, and overall expectations are not on par with what they should be. </p>

<p>Given all this, maybe it's time the educational system called multitasking out for the distraction it is. Though new media devices allow greater technological capacity for multitasking, it doesn't follow that the human brain capacity for learning has kept pace.</p>

2

<p>I’m going to try and grade it paragraph by paragraph. Anything that I believe is a typo won’t be mentioned.</p>

<p>The intro seems pretty good to me. On to the next…</p>

<p>The “Fact.” all by itself seems really awkward. I wasn’t sure if it was a typo or not, but I included it to be sure. It was good that you provided an example to support your thesis.</p>

<p>In the beginning of the third paragraph, the “and” in between the dashes seem unnecessary. Also, the phrase in the parentheses should not be treated as a separate sentence since it’s in parentheses. </p>

<p>In the fourth paragraph, you seem to lose focus on the question. Even though you connected multitasking to technology, the paragraph’s main concern seems to be blaming technology for worsening grades, not multitasking. The “stems” should be “stem” as it is referring to problems, not mindset.</p>

<p>The last sentence seems a bit awkward to me, especially the second half.</p>

<p>I would try and focus on the main question a bit more and looking to see if your answers support your claim directly. Maybe a bit more grammar practice?
So, I would give this essay a 3 or 4. </p>

<p>Here’s my essay, all critique welcomed.</p>

<p>Some high schools require students to pass two years of a foreign language in order to graduate. Some teachers and parents think that the requirement is needed since the world is becoming more interconnected all the time. Other people think that the rule is not necessary since many of the people in the world speak English as a second language and their numbers are increasing. In your opinion, should high school students be required to pass two years of a foreign language in order to graduate?</p>

<p>In my opinion, high school students should not have to take two years of a foreign language to graduate. Simply put, there are too many factors during high school that would limit a student’s knowledge of any foreign language. It goes without saying that this is not always the case, but it is very true for the majority of students.</p>

<p>An underlying factor of why two years of foreign languages should not be required to graduate is that many students do not have interest in the foreign language class they are taking. One could say that this is not true. However, the reason why students show little interest is due to the availability of the languages provided at their school. Most schools, if not all, have Spanish as their main foreign language. Some schools only teach Spanish in class; the rest of the languages available to the students are online. I do not believe that a student can truly become fluent in a language if they are not passionate about it. A student who wants to learn German would do much better in that class compared to if they had to take Spanish.</p>

<p>Some people may say that taking two years of a foreign language class should be required since the world is becoming more interconnected. It is most certainly true that cultures are mixing and languages are spreading, but, as stated earlier, many schools only offer Spanish as an in-class language. Most students would be forced to learn Spanish and will most likely forget the majority of it. Furthermore, online classes do not guarantee a student’s comprehension of a language. It is said that the best way to learn a language is to experience the cultures it is related to and being surrounded by it. Within a physical class, the students can hear the language they are learning and therefore understand it more.</p>

<p>Study of a foreign language should be a decision that a student makes him or herself. Some may decide to take a foreign language in high school (of their own free will), or wait until they are in college. Once students go to college, there will be a larger variety of languages to choose from. The ability to select a language of their choice can have a positive impact on their attitude towards learning a new language. In addition, English is becoming one of the most taught languages around the world, whether or not it is taught as a first language.</p>

<p>In conclusion, students should be allowed to choose when, or if, they want to take a foreign language class. While it is true that knowing a second language can be very beneficiary, there is a smaller chance of a student learning the language he or she takes during high school. Most students are forced to take a class of a language they are not interested in, while others study online without the aid of a physical teacher. Permitting students to choose a language of their preference can cause a massive effect on their understanding of that language.</p>

3

<p>Thanks for the quick reply and for your comments on my essay. I too thought the allusion to technology was misplaced, and so the essay suffered on the last two paragraphs. </p>

<p>I’ll analyze your essay as you did mine, and reciprocate the strictness (I think this will be good for both of us):</p>

<p>First paragraph reads well and clearly states your position. It does not, however, demonstrate much word variety or development. </p>

<p>Though I see where you tried to include a relative counterargument in your second paragraph, the sentence “one could say this is not true” isn’t fully illustrating it. Since you compensate for this with the fourth paragraph which concerns global connections, I wouldn’t have docked you points. Still, it makes for awkward reading and you might consider omitting it altogether. This paragraph showed logic, but that logic tended to circle itself without illustration. The example of this was your statement,</p>

<p>“However, the reason why students show little interest is due to the availability of the languages provided at their school.” </p>

<p>How? Rather than support this statement, the other sentences in the paragraph either paraphrase it or jump to another topic.</p>

<p>Paragraphs 3 and 4 state your support, counterargument and rebuttal. They show logical inference and I didn’t find many concerns here. Nice job!</p>

<p>Paragraphs 5 and 6 conclude the essay. These paragraphs sum the logic you established earlier in the essay. The last sentence in paragraph 5 caught me off guard for a moment before I realized you probably just forgot to include it in your rebuttal in paragraph 4. </p>

<p>Again, I stress your lack of language variety. Overuse of the verb “to be” seems like your biggest weakness. This weakness stifles the flow of the words, and consequently muddies your essay. More than that, it affects how you write your sentences, which often times consist of too many words that create what you call an “awkward” effect. </p>

<p>I’ve included some examples as well as how you could improve them without altering the sentence altogether: </p>

<p>“A student who wants to learn German would do much better in that class compared to if they had to take Spanish.” → “…benefit much more from a German class than from a Spanish class.”</p>

<p>“It is most certainly true that cultures are mixing and languages are spreading, but, as stated earlier, many schools only offer Spanish as an in-class language.” → “…that cultures have mixed and languages have spread, but…” (you’ll notice I switched to present perfect tense. You can apply this to many of your sentences to erase passivity).</p>

<p>This comes down to verb choice. You should constantly think to yourself, “is there a better verb for this?” You must choose the best verb possible, and construct the sentence around that verb. Another tip: never go passive. The “To be + verb form” structure, which often plagues the past and gerund tenses, wreaks of passivity. It dilutes your essay’s strength. Moreover, it provokes redundancy not just of the verb, but also of other words in the essay (note how many times the word “language” appears in paragraph 4 and 5). Overuse of the word empties it of its meaning and places the reader of a merry-go-round of logic.</p>

<p>A single vocab note: “beneficiary” should be “beneficial.”</p>

<p>Overall score: 4-5. You clearly state your position, but the essay lacks fully developed support in multiple cases. The essay focuses on the prompt. Language and sentence structure are not varied. Grammatical errors are few enough that they do not distract the reader. You used vocabulary correctly. The structure has a logical and predictable flow.</p>

4

<p>Your response is exactly what the graders said on my first ACT. I know just what to work on. Thanks!</p>