another essay... grade pretty please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>ok... i kno all of you are extremely tired of grading essays... but please PLEASE grade this one. i have read the essays and comment previously posted here, and have tried to apply those tips to my essay. </p>

<p>prompt: is identity something people are born with or given, or is it something people create for themselves?</p>

<p>Throughout history, countless people have created their own identities instead of passively accepting the expectations bestowed upon them at birth or by others. People’s identities are created by their actions, principles, and achievements, not by their social status or their name at birth. Although history is replete with such people, they were especially prevalent during the 20th century. Two of the most compelling examples are Vladimir Lenin and Harry S. Truman.</p>

<p>During the October Revolution in Russia, an unlikely leader arose from the masses. That leader was Vladimir Lenin, a blue-collar worker, the progeny of generations of proletarians and peasants. Vladimir was expected to be no different. Yet, Lenin managed to from his own political party, the Bolsheviks, who later dominated all of Russia. Lenin overthrew the reigning Czar of Russia, Nicolas II, and transformed Russia into a Communist superpower which endured for more than 50 years after his death. Clearly, Lenin’s identity, a charismatic omnipotent ruler, had nothing to do with his status or name at birth. In fact, it was opposite to what people expected of him. Lenin’s identity was created based on his personal efforts, decisions, and achievements.</p>

<p>Twenty years later, another man was forging his personal identity. Unlike Lenin, this man was already of high rank – the Vice President of the United States – Harry S. Truman. Truman was seen as a clear subordinate to President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Always seen conducting trivial tasks, he was never viewed as a prominent, self-motivated leader, unlike the charismatic Roosevelt. However, when Roosevelt died in office, the Presidency was bestowed upon Harry S. Truman. Through a series of monumental decisions, Truman proved himself to be every bit as effective, tough, and decisive as his predecessor. His resolution to drop the first atomic weapons on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the successful conclusion of WWII, and the termination of discrimination in the military formed a new identity for Truman. Obviously, Truman’s identity as a tough, resolute, and efficient President was created by his decisions during and after WWII, not existing since his inaugaration. Had Truman not actively made decisions, he wouldn’t even have an identity – he would be simply as the servile assistant who always existed in the shadow of his superior.</p>

<p>Without question, identity is something people create for themselves. It is evident from people like Harry S. Truman and Vladimir Lenin that identity is formed from actions and decisions, not at birth or by others. Had they been formed at birth or assigned by society, Lenin’s identity would not be the potent dictator he was; rather a simple proletarian. Truman would not be viewed as the compelling President he was; rather, a submissive subordinate.</p>

<p>thanx a lot - i've tried to build a clear thesis and connections</p>

2

<p>I thought it was pretty good. Go into the identity aspects a bit more if you have the chance. 5?</p>

3

<p>identity aspects? please elaborate. and anymore places i can improve?</p>

4

<p>I liked the conclusion. But I thought the intro was a bit weak because you kind of 'paste' their names there instead of putting a more fitting lee-way into why those two figures--out of ALL of history. The Truman paragraph was quite good. But, address the tasks part about how Truman actually created his own identity. Maybe consider the fact he was a full Professor and (I think) President of Princeton at one point. The Stalin paragraph was quite good especially with the part about his birth. But, I think more background would aid you in making your argument more convincing.</p>

<p>Make sure you answer the question. Are their identities created--or molded? Simplify it and write it big on the SAT booklet so you remember it if you need to.</p>

5

<p>
[quote]
'paste' their names there instead of putting a more fitting lee-way into why those two figures--out of ALL of history

[/quote]
</p>

<p>any suggestions on how to rewrite it? how's this</p>

<p>...although this concept is true throughout history, it is especially manifest in great leaders. Many have defied social expectations or status at birth, but two of the most prominent are Vladimir Lenin and Harry S. truman</p>

6

<p>The leaders that have stood out within the 20th century have overcome countless obstacles to become the identities they remain famous for today. Both Stalin and Truman were able to overcome their pasts and births to gain importance in their own rights.</p>

<p>^ I'm falling asleep at the keyboard. So, maybe, PM me when I'm awake and I can rewrite it way better.</p>

7

<p>Thanx so much! i'll PM you tomorrow, but i'm in Pacific time, so i don't kno when you'll get it.</p>

8

<p>I thought this was a good essay. (You may or may not know that Lenin wasn't even born with the name Lenin--that's something you could have mentioned). I think for both men you could have said a bit less about their actions and more about how they constructed their own identities.
Also, beware of phrases like "clearly" and "without question," when you are giving examples that don't constitute ultimate proof of your thesis.</p>

9

<p>what words would you recommend as transitions?</p>

10

<p>In the essay above, I would simply cut the "clearly" in the second paragraph. In the last paragraph, you could also just cut the "without question," or you could say something like "These examples show that..."
My comment is based on my general dislike for an essay that overstates its case--look out for words like "totally," "completely," "definitely," etc.</p>

11

<p>Intro: good. Clear thesis.</p>

<p>Lenin paragraph: A small criticism: give some background. Not everyone knows what the October Revolution was. For example, "The early 20th century was a time of revolution and revolt in Russia. Vladimir Lenin, a poor worker, became widely known throughout Russia and the rest of Europe through his leadership in one of these revolutions, the October Revolution." </p>

<p>Truman: "Obviously, Truman’s identity as a tough, resolute, and efficient President was created by his decisions during and after WWII, not existing since his inaugaration. Had Truman not actively made decisions, he wouldn’t even have an identity..." I think you're being a little carried away here, something that I see too often in SAT essays. It's not an "obvious" statement. Take that word out. I think you're exaggerating when you say that he wouldn't have had an identity. It depends on how you define "identity." Keep your focus. Don't get carried away.</p>

<p>Conclusion: "Without question, identity is something people create for themselves." Oh, trust me. There IS question. Take out "without question." It makes you sound narrow-minded.</p>

<p>I'd give this an 11-12. Good work. Keep it up; you'll do very well. </p>

<p>About other people's comments: I agree with asdfjkl, except I think that you talked enough about what Truman did as president, and not so much about when he was VP. When I read that Truman was seen as an insubordinate, I thought to myself, "Um, OK, what do you mean?" So a few examples would have been good.</p>

<p>asdfjkl: "The leaders that have stood out within the 20th century have overcome countless obstacles to become the identities they remain famous for today. Both Stalin and Truman were able to overcome their pasts and births to gain importance in their own rights." No, no. You didn't prove in your essay that they were countless obstacles. It's not a believable statement based on the essay. Don't exaggerate or say stuff that you don't support in your essay.</p>

<p>Hunt: "You may or may not know that Lenin wasn't even born with the name Lenin--that's something you could have mentioned." Mention this if this has any relevance at all to what you're saying. For example, if he changed his name to Lenin to separate himself from his past. But if it has no relevance to your thesis/topic sentence, leave it out. I agree with the advice to leave out words like "clearly," because </p>

<p>D-Yu, you have to remember that this is a debatable issue.</p>

12

<p>well, i was trying to find another word for "as you can see". any suggestions? thanx everyone so far! it really helps!</p>

13

<p>Why do you need "as you can see?" Why can't you just state it? Just delete the word 'clearly.' You don't need to replace it with anything.</p>