I’ve seen a million posts so I kind of know the drill, I just really wanted to rant about this. It’s been 2 months since I started college and I don’t have any friends. I know I’m not the only one, I know “everyone” is feeling like this, I know the whole deal. I just feel like my situation is different because I’m really doing everything everyone has told me to do. I’m on a school sport, I’m in a bunch of clubs including college democrats and I’m an editor for the school paper, and I have 2 jobs. I have study groups and leave my dorm door open all the time. My dorm is three floors and 2/3 of it are guys, but all the girls are really cliquey and never talk to me. I eat all my meals alone. I have depression and I was handling it great last year but since I’ve started college it’s gotten so much worse. I talked to a counselor and he pretty much said to wait it out. Also my college isn’t really a conventional campus which is what I really wanted, so I’m kind of just upset all around and I don’t know how to feel better.
Also, pretty much everybody here drinks/smokes on the weekends and I don’t. I go to parties occasionally that are thrown by my team, but I feel really awkward because I’m the only one who isn’t drinking and they all make fun of me for it. So I usually just spend my weekends in my dorm room alone which certainly isn’t helping my situation
I think you need to laugh. I know this sounds a little silly but you do. Maybe you also need to not do too much.
Also, make sure you are getting serious exercise --getting your target heart rate up to really tax yourself. I am not kidding. Most athletes dont really get pushed unless they are pre professional. Really sweating and working hard is really good for the brain. Also–how about starting an outing club or finding one. Get groups to go to a comedy show or a hike. Clubs that dont involve group time are just activities.
Really, they make fun of you for not drinking? I think you should not hang around with them. Or, just hold a cup with water in it, and people will leave you alone. Or take tiny sips from the beer can and hold it for hours. There isn’t any super sneaky subterfuge involved. Next time, try one of those things.
It sounds like you are doing things right, otherwise. Keep doing them. Have you taken initiative to have your meals with someone? Do you talk to people in the sport and clubs you are involved with? Are you waiting for people to ask you to do stuff? If so, you will not find that is going to resolve itself. People are not thinking “I notice Leaf Coneybear is eating alone.” They just don’t, because they don’t notice it. Have you just sat down at the table with your fellow athletes or whatever and started eating and talking to people, like that is just a totally normal thing to do? I am pretty sure if you did, no one would think it was strange, because it isn’t.
Meanwhile, start thinking about lining things up to transfer. That makes you feel like you are in control of your situation. I agree with your counselor (good thing to do, btw), that you just have to get through it. Many people don’t feel like they are through the worst of it until Christmas, or even until Feb or March. It takes time, and you are not a special case.
How are the people in the classes? Is nobody willing to socialize with you in those, or you haven’t really been put in that situation?
When you go to every club meeting, do you sit somewhere near people? Do you talk to the same people again and again? But is their mentality after the club meeting, ‘I’ll do me and you’ll do you?’
Also, if you’re kicking with people who make fun of you for being who you are, then ignore them and move on. College is so big and there are probably a lot of people similar to you. Actually for me after two months I finally met a few people who MIGHT become my friends and they came from the randomest moments.
Also don’t sweat too much about the dorm thing. You’ve already been there for 2 months and there really isn’t much you can do. I personally met 0 people in my floor because my floor is socially dead (but all the other floors aren’t as well as the building). You could request to switch your dorm though.
@scarletw123 I socialize with people in my classes, but once class ends everybody bolts. I always talk to people at club meetings, but no one really is into it or wants to have a conversation so I don’t push it. The people who are making fun of me are my teammates so I can’t really avoid them, but I’m doing my best to ignore it.
Have you seen this video?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=oAUcoadqRlE
And a follow-up article a year later:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html
@leafconeybearismart , judging from your name on here, you must like theatre. So is there a theatre department at your school. Can you get involved with anything in that department? Theatre people are almost always welcoming and looking for more friends to join in on the fun!
@CMB625 that is another big problem - I love theater, I want to get involved really badly! Unfortunately, apparently at my school the theater kids are veeeerrry exclusive. I searched all over the club/activities fair to find any theatre program, and didn’t find one. A girl on my team is a theatre major so I asked her how I can find out about auditions and stuff and she said that unless you’re majoring in it, you can’t. At all. They don’t advertise any of their auditions or how to help with set/costumes except to people who are majoring in it. I’m so disappointed because I really miss being involed in it.
Did you try joining the theater group online? It may get you on the mailing list. https://marquette.presence.io/organization/marquette-university-players-society The website says “All students, regardless of major, are welcome to participate in theatre performances as an actor or designer.” You also may want to see if there are less formal theater groups on campus (ex. at my D’s LAC she found an impov group that was very low key).
One thing i’m beginning to understand in the current college climate…you can literally do everything right and still have trouble making friends…a lot of luck plays into it…and then I just think that electronics are changing the landscape at an astonishing rate…just contrasting D1 (a senior now) and S1 (a sophomore), i am AMAZED (in despair) at how disconnected students are from each other. With my first kid, we met tons of people on the first day in the dorm…with the 2nd, literally every kid looked at their phone the entire ride up/down on the elevator…complete silence…its beyond depressing. And this change happened in 24 months!
@leafconeybearismart I am sad that you love theatre and can’t find a way to be involved. Maybe try a local community theatre (if you have transportation). Or maybe start your own group by having some play readings etc. I almost guarantee you there are other students who aren’t theatre majors that would love to carry on their interest in college. I would also suggest you go to any productions that the theatre department at your school does and support them-you might find a way to get involved by getting to know them at the productions or contact one of the theatre professors and ask them how to help. It sounds like maybe the people on your sports team aren’t really your type of people, that is too bad because I imagine you have to spend a good amount of time with them. Keep on trying new things and I am sure your life at college will improve soon!
I have suggested this before. I assume you eat in a dining hall. When you go look for someone who is alone. Don’t prejudge them based on appearance, gender, race, etc. Maybe they are just as lonely as you are. Ask if you can join them. They might say yes. Try small talk. If it clicks see if they want to join you for the next meal. If it clicks ask if they would like to join you again another time, meet for coffee, go to a play or concert, whatever. Do this a lot if necessary. You are bound to meet someone. Smile a lot. Be friendly. Keep you cell phone in your back pocket or bag.
@leafconeybearismart -I have a question about your sport. It sounds like you’re not getting a lot of satisfaction from it now and that your social interactions with your teammates are only making your situation worse. Do you want to keep participating in this sport anyway … either at your current college or at a new one?
I often encounter teenagers whose identity is very tied to being a great swimmer or runner or soccer goalie, etc. And in their younger years, taking part in the sport was fulfilling, along with the recognition that came from being a star. But it’s not unusual for a student your age to grow tired of putting that sport front and center, which being on a college team so often demands.
So if you are considering a transfer, do you feel bound to choose another college where you can continue your sport? Do you want to? Are you on an athletic scholarship now that you feel you can’t afford to give up?
When a long-time athlete stops competing in his or her sport, it can lead to a lot of floundering and to wondering, “Who am I?” But it can also be very freeing to those who have other interests they want to pursue. And this sounds perhaps like YOU. If you can’t find a way to be involved with the theater at your current college, then a transfer sounds like a wise idea … especially given all of the other negatives of your present situation. At the vast majority of liberal arts colleges, the theater classes are open to all as are the productions.
Since it seems like you’re taking so many of the “right” steps to fit in, it makes me question the role of athletics in your loneliness and unhappiness. Is this sport one thing that’s keeping you afloat or, instead, is it time to seriously question whether you truly want to continue it (at least on a varsity level) even if others around you expect it?
@leafconeybearismart - two suggestions if I may:
For theater, get involved by becoming an usher or stagehand in a local theater. This will open doors.
For overcoming loneliness, volunteer at a place where you could help less fortunate folks, such as homeless shelter, abused women shelter and the like. I am quite sure many are in need of your good personalities and it will give you perspectives.
What school are you at? Typically they will have resources you can take advantage of at no cost.
It’s ok to be a lonely college student. As long as you find fulfillment in the things you do you can still feel happy without friends
@Sally_Rubenstone
I guess I should elaborate a little. My sport is Quidditch, and I only joined because I knew that being on a team was a really good way to make friends (plus I wanted a way to stay active). It’s not demanding at all, practice twice a week and an occasional tournament on the weekends. I’m really really bad at it which is kind of embarassing but like I said I want to keep active and I was hoping to make friends here. I didn’t play any sports in high school, and in middle school I was terrible at them, so it’s definietely not a big part of my identity. It’s just a club sport, nothing serious.
@whatisfafsa I asked the theater major I know if I can usher and she says that it’s pretty much only for students who are taking a theatre class (it’s required of them). As a matter of fact, I am volunteering at a school near me in the city with kids who I’d consider less fortunate but I don’t think it’s really helping in any significant way.
@leafconeybearismart -Joining Quidditch does seem like a fun way to meet like-minded people. But this doesn’t seem like it’s worked out so well for you. So maybe your next step should be to research some liberal arts colleges where you can take theater classes and take part in productions without being a theater major.
It’s actually not unusual for a lonely or unhappy freshman to pursue a transfer college without giving up entirely on the current one. Even if you decide to research transfer options and then apply, you will still have till late spring to make a commitment (assuming you’re applying for a September 2019 start). So keep up your grades and activities as best you can since this will not only boost your transfer acceptance odds but will also make the months ahead as pleasant as possible. But also be on the lookout for new clubs and organizations to consider that might provide the camaraderie you’re seeking.