Another, “meeting the girlfriend,” thread

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Our 25-year old ds is bringing his girlfriend to meet us this weekend. They have been dating for about 6-7 months. To our knowledge this is his first serious girlfriend. It is certainly the first one we have met. He did not date in high school (other than one-off prom and homecoming dates with girls who were friends).

But….this isn’t just a coming over for dinner or going out to dinner or being together only three hours kind of first meeting. This is a three-night first meeting. I’ve never met a girlfriend before, so I am kind of nervous. In addition, I am unsure of where they are in this relationship and what they are planning on doing because they are each about to start two-year grad programs across the country from each other. I get little info from ds, but there has been some discussion on long-distance or breaking up, so I am unsure of the status. Although, I think her coming must mean they are not breaking up. Or maybe she just wants a free weekend at the beach - lol. Fear not!! I will NOT be asking her about their relationship AT ALL!

Anyway, throw your best meeting the girlfriend for the first time but for three days ideas at me. They are staying with us.

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We just had a “meeting the boyfriend” weekend last month. He was with us for two 1/2 days.

Lots of time to get to know him but I will say that it felt like too much time for the first visit.

My $.02, as a newbie myself, is to take time for yourself so you have some space. I ended up going for walks, and going to bed early.

I found that for us, the BF talked quite a bit and we just did a lot of listening. Felt a bit exhausting at times, hence the alone time.

The hardest part for me was having limited (aka no) alone time with my D. I don’t know if this is going to be “the” one, but it was a taste of things to come with a serious partner and I’m not sure I like it ; )

Good luck!

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As nervous as you are, the girlfriend is even more anxious!

I would focus on making her feel welcome. That has the double benefit of giving you something to focus on, and making her feel good.

Time away is good – does your son want to take her sightseeing for a day? Out to a nice restaurant for dinner? Surely the trip is not only to meet you, but for him to show her where he grew up?

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^^^ Like @cinnamon1212 whole post!!

Ride the wave. Try to not worry about too much structure and “filling” the 3 days but see how things “feel”. Does it feel right at some point to have her help with a meal your cooking? Does it feel like maybe you and your H should leave the house for some “errands” so they can have some time at the house to chat alone or whatever? Does it feel comfortable to relax and do what you might do normally at home? - put on your comfy clothes, read a book on your Kindle, surf CC…

Without putting too much weight on it, I think him bringing her to your home for 3 days is a good relationship sign. :slight_smile: Do you know if he has met her parent(s)???

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Ask your son what she likes to eat/drink and have them available for her.
I have 2 daughters, so kind of on the other side. My kids always feel welcomed when they know the parents have made a bit of an effort. We do the same for their SOs when they come for visits too.
I do agree it is good to give them some space. Plan some meals together, but also let them go out to eat by themselves.

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D1’s husband is a talker too. I know him well enough now that I will tell him that less is more or just flat out tell him to stop talking.
What’s funny is D1 used to be the talker in our family. I wondered how she ended up with him because she can’t get a word in sometimes. But they do get along very well.

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Most of my kids are serial long term daters, started in high school. My oldest has been dating her boyfriend for over 6 years (college boyfriend, she had two long term relationships in high school/first year in college). I follow their lead, but keep it light. When they stay here or go on vacation with us they get treated just like any other friend (including sleeping in the same room). My 24 year old son is 1+ years with his 3rd long term, my 21 year old is 3+ years on her 3rd.

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I met my DD’s BF of now 2 years (first serious relationship) on a 3 day ski trip. I just treated him like any of her other friends. He felt comfortable and included. We all had a great trip.

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It was a long time ago, but I remember telling my son that they could spread out into the spare bedroom if they liked and he looked at me like I was crazy. Honestly what will probably make your child most comfortable is if you don’t do anything beyond what you normally would. So dinner out at his favorite restaurant, favorite meals at home, playing board games if that’s something you would normally do. Give them time to themselves too. I was very lucky, my son’s first girlfriend was also his last. We think she’s great, they got married two years ago.

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It definitely changes the dynamic of a family once partners enter the picture! I will ditto what others have said about giving them space and allowing yourself to do some of your regular everyday things so everyone gets a bit of a break from each other. Just be yourself:)

And while the dynamic changes I always remind myself that I hope all of my kids find someone they love and loves them back even if that means I have to make adjustments in the time I get to spend with them, sharing them w/another family, etc.

Hope you have a great visit!

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If he is bringing her for 3 days then clearly he thinks highly of you all and enjoys his time with you! So well done!

Second, I echo what PP said about having her favorite beverages on hand. It’s nice to do, she’ll appreciate it, and it will give you some info, lol!

Third, what about going to a farmers market together (if early enough not to melt in the sun), or any sunset activities?

I like what another PP mentioned about letting S take the lead in showing her around where he grew up. Gives them time by themselves to regroup a bit, and you can tell them to come up with an idea of what they want to do with you all when they return a few hours later.

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We also just let them do what they want. For the initial meeting we might spend some time asking simple questions, will invite the couple to eat with us or go out if we’re going out, but even if staying here they go out with friends or have friends over, go out to eat, we say hi and bye. SO’s definitely spend a lot more time with our kids’ friends than us. For family get togethers they’re always welcome, we’ve had several come on vacation together so the SO’s hang out together which makes holidays less awkward.

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My advice is just set an extra place at the table and carry on as normal. As for sleeping arrangements, once they were out of high school, the SO slept in my kids’ rooms. I’m not prudish, lol. My kids were/are in long term relationships (5+ years). It would have been silly to arrange separate bedrooms.

We took both our kids’ SO’s with us on vacation. We made it clear that there were some things that were going to be done as a family and not negotiable: a visit to NASA at Cape Canaveral was definitely going to include us all, and a day long party for Grandma was also not negotiable. There were opportunities for the kids to do their own thing as well, but if it involved food, we were all together. They were on budgets! We cooked dinner, they ate with us, then they often went into their rooms and did their own thing after a respectable period of socializing.

Selfishly, I would have loved to have just had the kids and not the SO’s, but I think those days are gone. The SO’s are nice people, but I don’t know if I am at the stage yet where I feel they are part of the family. I guess that comes with time, or intent on their part. As in, if that person is the ONE, they are part of the family from that point on.

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If they don’t bring a SO over that is worse. We would be thinking are they embarrassed by us? Will they ever find a partner?

Also, I felt saying " I’m so glad you came" initially was very well accepted by them and made them feel at home. You can see their reaction is ‘oh good’.

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Food and drink, no matter how minor or major a role they will play should be a consideration.

I like the idea of asking S what she likes to drink. Have you asked if she has any special food needs? Allergies or vegetarian or gluten free…just might help with ANY food prep or stocking of the refrigerator.

I also think food is a good component for when they arrive. I think it can be awkward to have guests arrive and…just sit in a living room and talk. Food or drink - to me, something casual is best - gives people something to hold/do/talk about - depending on the time they arrive, maybe a small chartuterie to set out for munching while you chat - before or after they get their belongings settled. I vote for the first meal at home to be delicious and casual - no nerves for the guests about formality!!

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One more thing, your son may do this, but make sure she knows whatever the house rules are about eating food in the fridge or pantry. My MIL used to make me breakfast no matter how late I slept in and I would have far preferred to prepare my own breakfast, particularly since she wanted to feed me enough food for at least three breakfasts!

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We no longer live where he grew up.

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Okay - a few more things:

We no longer live in the town where ds grew up. So, he is not showing her his hometown, so there are no local, high school friends for them to hang out with. Sadly, our friends who we usually hang out with who have a couple of older daughters and husbands locally who ds has met several times, are out of town.

I had already asked ds about food and beverage (both alcoholic and not) needs, how coffee is taken, and any food allergies or dislikes. I do that for anyone who comes to visit. SOP around here. He told me no beef, she doesn’t drink coffee, and seltzers for alcohol.

Her deciding to come didn’t happen until last night. We knew he was coming and had told him he was welcome to bring her. He booked his flight yesterday morning. She booked hers last night. I had made it known he was welcome to bring her, and I only needed 24 hours notice. However when he told dh and I his flight, I asked him if she were coming as well, but he did not reply. So, I (wrongly) assumed that meant she wasn’t. Got up this morning to a text saying sorry he didn’t reply sooner but that she had wanted to, “think about it,” but had booked he same flight. He has been at her Master’s graduation ceremony and hanging out with her in her university town since Saturday night. They are there together until Friday. Part of the challenge is that I am not sure where they are in this relationship. They have been dating since January. She is carrying on with additional schooling, and he is starting an MBA program. Both are full-time two year programs, but they are going to be about 2,000 miles apart! They have been long distance since mid-April. Anywho - I am guessing they are also uncertain about their path forward with their relationship. Maybe she just wanted three days at the beach - lol.

Dh and ds are going fishing Saturday morning on a half-day trip. Had asked her if we should get her a ticket just in case she came down, and ds said not to. So I guess he knows she doesn’t want to fish. But, that means just the two of us until Dh and ds get back around 1:00 or so.

I’m planning on nibbles here when they arrive and then dinner out on Friday. Dh wanted dinner in on Saturday since they are going fishing for a chunk of the day. Dinner on Sunday is dependent on how many fish are caught on Sunday. I have communicated all of that to ds.

I’m going to offer my car on Sunday for them to go do what they want.

I have got to remind myself NOT to interrogate and NOT to interrupt - I am bad about both.

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Yes, I have no issue with shared rooms and am just going on the assumption that is what is happening.

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I wouldn’t worry about the status/future of their relationship. Just treat her like a good friend. Friends can last a lifetime or only a few years, that doesn’t affect how you treat them in the here and now, upon meeting for the 1st time.

You never know which one will be The One, so I always want to set the tone from the start as “I am so happy to meet you! I think you are great!” And go from there. As opposed to having to make up lost ground once it’s clear they are serious.

(I have 3 sons, 2 with serious girlfriends, and had an awful mother in law who showed me what not to do).

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