Football recruit wants to take girlfriend on visits

<p>Can anyone offer any insight on our son who is being recruited for football to several dII and FCS schools. He is dead set on taking his girlfriend with him. I think he understands that it is out of the question for the official visits l; but he wants to take her on the unofficial visits. She is a significant distraction and he becomes withdrawn around her because of her jealousy. I have told him that being withdrawn can be just as much of a turn off to coaches as much as being an obnoxious loud mouth. Isn't there a limit on the number of passes they can give the family? Please don't reply with he needs to get rid of her, because believe me we know that and wish he would and that would solve that problem. Any help would be great. Thanks</p>

<p>I assume this is because she’s planning on going to the same college as him?
Have you tried talking to her, or her parents about you guy’s not wanting her to go. Your son may get mad due to it, but in the end he needs to focus on his future in college rather than his future with her.
I hope this helps in some way!</p>

<p>Who is paying? Transportation? Lodging? Food? If it is you, just say no. In fact, if it is not you, still just say no. Will he not go if she doesn’t come along? I might be missing something here and I’m not making a judgement but I’m not sure why he gets to decide…</p>

<p>I had a friend that took her son on a visit to a DII school last weekend. She told me today they got exactly 3 passes for the game they attended - for family only. Strict NCAA recruiting rules. Maybe that helps? </p>

<p>Well, if the recruitment trip involves attending a football game, and there are only tix for mom, dad, and child (family only), then the GF isn’t going to want to sit in the car for several hours. </p>

<p>Upthread someone mentioned travel costs…who would be providing lodging, travel, etc for this GF?</p>

<p>Why does he want her to go? Would she be going to the same school? </p>

<p>The only reason he wants her to go is because she makes life miserable for him, telling him that she takes him everywhere and she should take her with him. She would also be giving him crap saying that he would be cheating on her while he is up there. His actual response to that question is I want her to go because I don’t want to have to deal with all the crap I’m going to have to go through if I don’t take her. As far as traveling expenses, I’ve told him she would have to have her own hotel room and feed herself, hoping that would be a deterrent, with no such luck. With any luck, no she wouldn’t be going to the same school (not a rocket scientist lol). There was one visit recently that he actually sabotaged and wouldn’t commit to going on because she couldn’t go. I told him that he better pray that it didn’t come down to them being the only one who would offer him a scholarship, because that would have done it in for him. </p>

<p>Words to live by for sure. We have said this to him many many times. The other day we decided that we need to talk to her parents because of the things that he was telling us she was saying to him. At least I’m hoping they don’t know. He actually drug his feet to the point of not being able to go on a visit last week because if it. I told him that he better hope that it doesn’t come down to them being the only one who offers him a scholarship, because that would have just thrown it out the window</p>

<p>I ask myself the same question as to why he is able to decide. In fact he really isn’t. We have told him that if she went she would have to cover all expenses, hopefully as a deterrent; but she follows up with that they take him everywhere with them. She is a spoiled 16 year old who never stops until she gets what she wants. In this case she gets to go; or he doesn’t go either way she gets what she wants. Last week he had a visit to go to and at the last minute said that he absolutely did not want to go to that school so he didn’t want to go on the visit. Turns out it was an excuse because she couldn’t go, so you see he is willing to sabotage his future so that as he puts it “Doesn’t have to out up with her crap if goes without her”. I realize this is about as immature as can be and we can make him go because we are his parents; but at the same time it a lot of money to spend for him to go and sabotage the visit by presenting himself in a manner that would make them not want him. So I told him he better pray that it doesn’t come down to them being the only one who offers him a scholarship because that stunt would have just ruined that chance</p>

<p>Yes I finally saw that about the ncaa regs regarding the number of passes. So we try to involve him in the decision so maybe he will grow a pair. I’ve have said you get three passes and that’s all your allowed. You decide who goes. He IS smart enough to know that I have to be there; and there is no way that he would ever tell his mother that she couldn’t go. So he takes the self destructive method. He ignore the problem thinking it will go away; but as anyone over the age of 10 should know. That doesn’t happen. He IS smarter than I just presented; but according to him he just doesn’t want to deal with her crap. I’ve told him then to get ready to deal with her crap when you don’t get a scholarship and your working at mcdonalds. Basically what we are dealing with is a VERY spoiled 16 year old who doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants and a 16 year old who can’t make a stand for himself. I told him about the rules and also said that they don’t want recruits to bring girlfriends because they are a distraction and many other deterrents with no success. He seems to think that all of the recruits will have their girlfriends with them. If that is the case their girlfriends would have a little bit of common sense. </p>

<p>Has anyone actually had experience with this or have seen what happens when recruits bring girlfriends. Personally if I’m a coach I see a recruit having his girlfriend with him as a distraction; and if he can’t leave her home for one afternoon while he does this with his parents then he just got scratched off my list. I would want the players FULL attention and if he can’t give that, then good luck in your quest for finding a college because ours isn’t the right fit for you. So has anyone heard of a coaches take in this?</p>

<p>He is in touch with the coaches as a part of the recruiting process? As a courtesy to the coach, he should let the coach know in advance who will be coming on the unofficial visit. In writing. An email from the athlete to the prospective coach. He should explain that he will be arriving with both parents and his GF. See how the coach responds. Hopefully do this with his last-choice team. In the end, it is his relationship with the coach (and his with the GF and his with the Parents) that he has to be upfront about at all times.</p>

<p>IMHO
Since you have tried everything you can and have reasoned with your son on the subject and failed. Why not just let every thing go and let the girl go to the recruit. This will give your son a lesson if things do not work out. Some times kids need to learn a lesson on their own and in this case you are giving him the lesson by having the girl around. </p>

<p>Just my two cents. </p>

<p>I still don’t understand who would be paying for the GF? </p>

<p>Also, what are the rules in regards to passes. He gets 3. Do they have to go to FAMILY? If so, I would tell my son that he needs to tell her NOW that info. Be prepared that their answer may be, “We’re going to say that she’s my sister.” and who knows which parent they will say will lose his/her pass.</p>

<p>Ask him WHY she is his GF. Who has a GF and says that he goes along with what she wants so he doesn’t have to put up with her crap? What kind of relationship is that? Is he needy? Does he have self-esteem issues? If he’s under 18, I’d get his fanny into therapy…pronto. </p>

<p>I would sit him down and ask him, “Do you really want to be recruited?” I’m thinking that he really doesn’t because he doesn’t want to put up with her crap. The crap won’t cease when he’s at another school. She’ll demand trips and skyping and whatever.</p>

<p>A college coach I am friends with would always joke about which recruit would show up with a girlfriend or which commit would show up with their girlfriend to the team’s welcome picnic (when the team moves in for pre-season and they host a meal to get to know each other and their families). Those are the kids that don’t make it. They are too wrapped up in themselves or their girlfriend that they can’t focus on the school work and training. </p>

<p>Kids need to be able to say no to succeed as a college athlete. They need to be able to say no to a lot of the things that college kids do if they want to succeed as a student athlete. There are a lot of sacrifices that student-athletes make. You can’t succeed by doing what is easiest. Being a student-athlete is work. You wouldn’t take her to a job interview, would you? </p>

<p>Depending on the coach it very well may result in them not making an offer to your son. I am sure there are exceptions but history has shown that this doesn’t work out… Honestly, based on what you’ve said, I have doubts your son will succeed in college. </p>

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<p>Exactly.</p>

<p>I would ask my son…If we (the parents) say that she can’t come to any visits, does that mean that you won’t go to any, either? </p>

<p>Yeah I tried the job interview angle and I even told him that the coaches said that they don’t want ANY girlfriends of recruits there. His reply…“why? That’s stupid,”. I told him that what just came out of his mouth was stupid. In order for her to go either myself or his mother would have to not go. The problem is that he is smart enough to know that he NEEDS me there with him. I’ve been through this and as well as my brothers and I’ve had several friends go through this themselves as well as done of them with their kids and I know the process of what needs to be done. The other problem he has is that there is in no way shape or form that he will tell his mother that she can’t go. I wouldn’t have told my mother when I did mine. He just expects then to want to give up another pass that the ncaa isn’t allowed to give out so that he can have everyone there; and yes he has already sabotaged the first visit he had last week. We were successful in coming to an agreement with the visit he has next week that she would not be with us and he would willingly go and if everyone there had their girlfriends with them then he could take his to the next ones. So we at least have him onboard for next week. Keep in mind that isn’t going to stop her from making his life miserable until then and especially when he gets back because I’m sure that he won’t tell her until the very last minute (yes his fault) and then suffer the consequences during the trip, on the way back, and after we return. His whole problem is that he wants everyone there and is one of these people who won’t make a decision because they don’t want to hurt anyone. I’ve told him before that is life and he better get used to it</p>

<p>I love that and you are more than 100% right. Just trying to get him to understand that is the important thing. I want to say hey do it yourself and however you want to do it and see what happens. That would out him at about an 18 month countdown to his permanent career at mcdonalds. At this age most kids are starting to realize that parents DO KNOW what they are talking about. Him not so much. My parenting style was just like my dads. I’m going to stay on you and teach you and as you get older you can make your own mistakes. That’s how you learn in life. My brothers and I were afforded that opportunity at that age; but we were definitely more motivated and determined. My question is at this stage in life do you allow him to make a mistake so big that can screw up his life? If he screws this up, next year will be the last football game he ever plays. Now let me say that between football and going to school, that college is the first priority and he has a golden opportunity to go to school completely free which not a lot of people have. Sure he could still go to college; but he has been told that if he screws this up college is on him. Translation: he will end up not going. So do you allow him to make his own mistakes on this one?</p>

<p>Yes let it go. Right now he is wrapped in love and the more you say the more opposit he will do. So the only way is to let it go and let him learn the lesson the hard way. You will pay for every thing, as it is going to be part of the lesson for him. If that ended up not making it that is part of the lesson as well. At one point you have to let your kids go, in this case you just let him go earlier. </p>

<p>Sounds like a tough spot to be in. You could teach him a huge life lesson here, but the stakes are so very high, I can’t imagine you could sit by and watch him screw up his chance for an athletic scholarship.</p>

<p>Is there any way to minimize the GF’s interaction with your son on the trip your son has agreed to go on without her? Take away his cell phone, have her phone number blocked, I don’t know of other tech options? If she is spouting her criticisms via texting/phone calls all weekend, I can’t imagine your son being able to show his very best self to the Coach.</p>

<p>I would encourage you and your wife to decide together what you are willing to do to stop GF’s influence while you are on the recruit trip with your son. Having a peaceful weekend without nagging might be a refreshing time for him to focus on football and maybe even reflect on his relationship with toxic GF.</p>

<p>Good luck to you as you navigate these rough waters.</p>

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<p>Well, he’s not wrapped up in love. this isn’t a case of “I can’t bear to be without her.” This is about horrible manipulation by the GF</p>

<p>If he thinks that a school will cough up another ticket, then have him call and ask a school that he doesn’t care that much about. Once he hears, “NCAA rules,” he’ll know that it’s a “no-go” at any school.</p>

<p>Does he understand that no school is going to risk an NCAA violation just so his GF can go? lol</p>

<p>…and I wouldn’t count on him not asking him mom not to go. He’s going to ask the person who gives him the least grief, and that’s his mom. </p>

<p>Maybe y’all need to give him as much grief as the GF? lol</p>