<p>Just need advice how to handle this situation. Some background, he is a freshman in college about 4 hours from home. The parent's kid is also at this school and so are several other kids from the same high school. Ever since this group of kids were in high school this parent has tried to be the "cool" mom. Several months ago we were several families all gathered having dinner where she offered/served beer to the then 17 year old kids (yes we were out of the country where the legal drinking age is 18) and I had a few words with her about not pushing the alcohol on my kid cause he was my kid and just to focus on her family and I will decide when and where if at all I will ever offer alcohol to my kid. Of course her kid will not touch the stuff. By the way she apparently doesn't drink very much either. Since then she and I do not speak but she still occasionally has contact with my son. Maybe once every 2-3 weeks, either she visits the school or by text and maybe facebook. So again last week I noticed her pictures on facebook where her kid has a coke can but the other kids including my kid have a plastic cup. The same plastic cup that the adult men like her husband have in their hands at a frat house party. I also believe she might be encouraging him to party (going out late at night and hanging out with her son and other kids) So far my son has been respectful but doing his own thing and I guess not being swayed one way or another. So at this point I don't think she has influenced him in any way.
But my issue is the gaul of this lady (insert appropriate b-word). So far I haven't said anything else. One because I don't want it to seem like it is a big deal, which it is not at this point and the other because I don't want to strain an already fragile relationship with my son, because remember she is the "cool" mom. But my blood is boiling knowing that I really shouldn't do or say anything at this point. Any thoughts?</p>
<p>College kids drink beer and party at frats without anyone’s encouragement. I personally think you are over reacting.</p>
<p>You can’t control all of the influences your kids experience. This is true in high school, when they were living in your home, & even more so when they go to college. Trust that your son will make good decisions. I highly doubt that he will really put a lot of thought into what this women says. I’ve seen a lot of these “cool” moms, trying to relive their youth throungh their kids friends, texting, facebook, etc. My experience has been that eventually the kids see them as you do…pathetic.</p>
<p>Oldfort nails it. Please, a college kid isn’t sitting there going, “I really don’t want to drink but gosh, Mrs. x wants me to.” I’m sure he doesn’t think one bit about her.</p>
<p>why do you think she is the “cool mom” to other kids? who says?
is she skinny and lithe like teenage girl?
dress nice?
skin taut wrinkleless teeth white minty breath?
got money, nice job, car, what?
from what I know no moms are cool. if kids(not pre-teens but late teens) say that about friend’s mom, they don’t really mean it and are rather happy their own mom is not like that.
If she thinks she is cool because she knows what kids want and let them do whatever under her watch, that is plain pathetic, esp. if she is a dampy woman.
If she is indeed “cool” and that bothers you, in that dept. you can make load of differences yourself. exercise, eat better, take classes, read, listen, whatever to make your selfworth one notch up.
let her be and work on what you can do ( what do you mean by fragile relationship?)
and no, not every college has frathouse or drinking problems. even if your kid’s school is a party school, not all kids like to drink or party. you should know by now, how he managed during HS if you know what he was really really doing when you are not around.</p>
<p>I do agree a visiting mom is nowhere near the “influence” of a bunch of other college kids. The question may be whether this mom is making it too easy in certain situations, even encouraging. </p>
<p>The talk needed is with your son. Clearly state your own expectations. Then, all any of us can do is hope we did right in the first 18 years. And keep repeating whatever message we feel is right.</p>
<p>Btw, lately, there’s been an odd incrimination floating around based simply on the presence of the evil “red cup.” I worry far more about the FB posts that make it a lot clearer that when my kids are testing the lines. Good luck.</p>
<p>I still can’t get past the idea of someone’s parents actually going to a frat party! I’d bet that her kid is probably mortified at having parents like that…mine would be! No words of advice, but if you know you’ve done a good job of imparting your values and wisdom there’s probably little you can do other than to trust your S to make his own decisions and hope for the best. </p>
<p>Btw, my D doesn’t drink but told me once that she’s learned to carry a plastic cup with an inch or two of liquid in it at parties so she won’t feel awkward and guys won’t try to put a cup in her hand (she’s also too smart to take a drink someone else has poured).</p>
<p>those solo cups are costly. who buy them, by bulk, delivered to houses?
sorry off topic.</p>
<p>The same cup as at a frat party. Not clear that they were at a frat party. That poor red cup. Can’t hold a non-alco drink?</p>
<p>readalotmom:
We were in a similar situation with our son a few years back. </p>
<p>While I worry as any parent would, I’m OK with our kids going through the partying phase at college when their motivation for doing so comes from their friends and dorm-mates. </p>
<p>However, as with your opening post, there was a parent actively encouraging the partying and drinking. That drove many of us parents furious. </p>
<p>The problem seems to have taken care of itself, as the kids have grown into different directions and social circles - still enjoying college partying, but not under the promotion of parents.</p>
<p>I am of the mind that as long as you are providing financial support, you can say and demand of your kid anything you want. </p>
<p>Since this has to do with relating with your kid, there is a post by Kitwikkens in the How Much Does Your Teenage Son Talk With You Thread that I found interesting and you may want to read.</p>
<p>I remember reading her previous posts over the years and that she had what others would consider very controlling parenting methods. You can see the results of her methods in this current post. </p>
<p>My parenting techniques have been very similar and my results with my kids are similar.</p>
<p>I don’t see how this mom was “encouraging” drinking just by offering beer at a social gathering when drinking age was 18. Promoting alcohol is by hosting a party at home and proving alcohol, or playing beer bong with kids. </p>
<p>I just took my 18 year old nephew and 22 year old daughter out to dinner last night. I ordered a bottle of wine, and I offered it to him. I think he had 2 small glasses. I am sure my brother or SIL is not going to think I was “encouraging” their son to drink. Now, I asked him where he was going after dinner, he said he was meeting up with some friends at Time Square then partying uptown. As he didn’t know NYC that well, I was more concerned about him roaming around NYC than having 2 glasses of wine.</p>
<p>In the US drinking age is 21, but 18 year old is considered an adult, as we like to say on CC all the time. OP’s son can decide what kind of relationship he wants with his friend’s parents, and say no to a drink, if that’s what he wants to do</p>
<p>OMGOMG
oldfort
please don’t tell me you ate at craft?</p>
<p>No frat parties are going to stay cool if parents are at them.</p>
<p>I’m a big believer in teaching ones child to drink responsibly so we allowed out son to drink at family weddings starting when he was around 15. The first time his older cousins, who he was sitting with at dinner, kept getting him drinks and on the three hour drive home he learned it’s not a good idea to mix drinks. By the final family wedding the following summer (we had 4 weddings over 12 months) he wasn’t drinking enough to get drunk and stuck with beer. </p>
<p>We also always offered him a glass of wine if we were having it with dinner. Sometimes he would have a drink but more often not. </p>
<p>My goal was to make sure he knew the effects of alcohol and what he could handle before he went off to college. I’ve heard too many stories of kids away from home for the first time who get into serious trouble (usually ending up in the ER) because they don’t know how to drink.</p>
<p>Though this is what I did I would never offer alcohol to my son’s friends, but I think parents who don’t teach their kids how to drink responsibly are doing a disservice to their kids. </p>
<p>Last week was Parent’s Weekend and my DS dumped us after dinner both nights to go to parties in campus-owned houses (no frats where he is.) I’m 100% sure not one parent was at any party. </p>
<p>Also, college kids stay out late especially on the weekends. </p>
<p>Imo, you are making a mountain out of a molehill.</p>
<p>The mom is texting, facebook’ing or seeing your son on campus every few weeks? The dad is going to frat parties with the kids? These parents have serious boundary issues.</p>
<p>Why would you think that someone else’s parent can so uneasily undo all that you have spent 18 years instilling in your child? If your son wants to drink, he will not need his friends mother to encourage it.</p>
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<p>This is what you should be worried about. Why is your relationship with your son strained? What are you trying to do to strengthen it?</p>
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<p>Instead of looking at FB pictures and jumping to conclusions (your son could simply be nursing a cup and not drinking) try to open up the lines of communication with your son. Don’t open the conversation with what’s in that cup you’re holding?</p>
<p>The same plastic cup that the adult men like her husband have in their hands at a frat house party.</p>
<p>How does this turn into parents at frat parties? And, if her own son is on the same campus, she can’t see OP’s?</p>
<p>I do agree texting and FB’ing a kid needs serious consideration. Two of D1’s friends are my FB friends- but we rarely originate contact with each other.</p>
<p>I also am not opposed to underage drinking, with a family member or close family friend- but feel it needs oversight and am opposed to purposely getting drunk. (That’s not self-control.) On P weekend, roommate’s parents took D2 to dinner and the girls were served wine. When I heard, I had no personal objection. Yes, it is terribly illegal and the restaurant could face harsh consequences.</p>
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<p>My parents are the same way. Dad had me try a small cup of Chinese beer at 11 to teach me how to drink responsibly. Then again, my father was completely on his own since the age of 12 so he felt 11-12 is an appropriate age to start expecting behavior commonly identified with mature adults*. </p>
<p>From that experience, I found I had a strong aversion to the taste of alcohol which followed me into my early 20s. It also helped that I had an older cousin on mom’s side of the family who allowed beer, girls, and partying to interfere with his studies which further put me off drinking and caused me to view fellow undergrads who drank in stereotypical college partying style as “lame” even as a 17 year old college freshman. That and the fact I didn’t have the financial resources for what I considered a luxurious indulgence back then. </p>
<p>Even nowadays as a thirty-something and drinking socially on occasion, I limit myself to two drinks max to not only avoid inebriation, but also because I’d prefer spending my money on other things, </p>
<ul>
<li>He didn’t quite succeed during my high school years as illustrated by my high school transcript. However, it bore fruit starting in my college years. :)</li>
</ul>
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<p>One thing I noticed during my college years was that the college classmates/acquaintances at other colleges most likely to “go wild” and have issues with making good decisions independently on campus tended to be those who came from overly sheltered homes with overprotective micromanaging parents. </p>
<p>If a parent is too controlling, there tends to be serious issues which could follow them into undergrad and beyond as several Prof/TA friends and a few employers/HR colleagues have found with such students/employees. </p>
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<p>Understandable. Thankfully NYC/Times Square is magnitudes nicer than it was when I was a kid growing up nearby in the 1980s.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry.</p>
<p>By 18, they’re well aware that other people’s parents are sometimes jerks.</p>
<p>They may even have similar views about their own parents, at least from time to time.</p>