<p>A few weeks ago my freshman D went to one of those "get to know your grade "party at her friend's house.
Her friend's father called my H and I the day after the party and told us one of the kids brought alcohol to the party.
When I asked my D what happened she said the father over reacted. She feels it wasn't a big deal since the kid 's parents picked him up when it was discovered that he was drunk .
I am disturbed at her cavalier attitute about the incident and her lack of concern because the drunk kid was a new kid at her school.
I know alcohol is an issue in HS ( my oldest D had a classmate in sophomore year who went into rehab for six months) but I was still shocked.
My H now is so paranoid that he wanted me to call the parents of a kid, who was having a halloween party to ask them if there will be any alcohol.
Ironically the freshman class has a weekly class which is called " life skills " and alcohol is one of the topic that will be covered.</p>
<p>"My H now is so paranoid that he wanted me to call the parents of a kid, who was having a halloween party to ask them if there will be any alcohol."</p>
<p>First of all, your own experience is that this is not paranoid at all. Secondly, what is so terrible about one parent calling another parent in an expresssion of concern? (Data I have from my own state shows that 4.6% of 8th graders - get this - actually drove a car while under the influence of alcohol. 11% of 10th graders had used prescription opiates to get high in the past month. Binge drinking among high schoolers is very high. Why not be concerned, and take steps to deal with it proactively?</p>
<p>I don't think there's anything wrong with calling parents giving a party to make sure alchohol won't be served. It sounds like your daughter's friends parents handled their situation well, and let you know what happened rather than let rumors get started.</p>
<p>mini I would not want parents calling me asking me whether or not I will have alcohol when my kids are having a party . In the other hand, I don't mind when parents called to know if any adults will be present. I do the same thing.
Most people I know have alcohol at their house. What I expect from parents is vigilance so that no kids get access to it.</p>
<p>How about asking a parent if kids will have access to alcohol and the parent lies? I have given up trusting what parents say vs what they actually do....unless you lock your kids up, they will be exposed to alcohol in high school...how they handle it is another story for another thread....</p>
<p>Whenever my kids ask me if they could go to a party, I always ask, "Could I call the parents." If the answer is no, then they couldn't go. My older daughter has tried once or twice by saying, "The parents are not going to be there, some kids may bring some alcohol, but I promise I won't drink." The answer was still no.</p>
<p>Before our older daughter could drive, we would drive her to and from every party. It gave us a good opportunity to meet the parents. It also prevented her from driving with any friend that may be DUI. It definitely put a damper on our social life because we had to be available to drive her. We struck a deal, she could go out one night and we could go out on a different night. When she got her license, she started driving herself, but I always waited up for her to make sure she was sober when she came home. </p>
<p>Our older daughter never disappointed us. As she got older, closer to HS graduation, she would tell us there would be some drinking at her close friend's house. she always asked us if we wanted to pick her up or allowed her to sleep over.</p>
<p>My D, who is a senior now, has reported lots of alcohol and pot (I guess it's "weed" among her peers) at her HS. She's not into it and basically doesn't get invited to parties because they know she's not going to attend anyway. I'm lucky, I figure. What galls me is the parents (I'm thinking in particular of those who have sons) who have this position: the boys are sleeping over so I'll take their car keys when they get here: they won't be driving so I'm a good parent. I could go on, but point made.</p>
<p>I didn't have any alcohol or drug issues at all with D. Her crowd wasn't into it at all. It's tougher with S. Most kids he knows are into one or the other or both. He has shared with me about how difficult the peer pressure is. We have established codes to get him out of sticky situations. His friends know that he isn't interested in being around substance abusers, so they are usually pretty cool with that. However, I have had to go pick him up at odd hours of the night during sleepovers, or whenever it's necessary. Texting is very helpful for that purpose. Saturday night, I stayed awake until 2:30 a.m., parked on the family room couch - S told me that one of the two boys spending the night really wanted to go out back & smoke a joint. I told him to let the kid know that I don't allow anyone to leave the house, and that I would absolutely take him home & tell his parents exactly what he was doing. At 4 a.m., my H switched places with me. We won't be having that young man as an overnight guest anymore. It sure is hard to raise teens sometimes.</p>
<p>I don't think it is inappropriate to call another parent and let him/her know that there was an incident with alcohol that occurred recently and that you and other parents are taking the episode seriously. I think it's a danged good idea. You may be surprised at the response. I actually got a couple of parents who told me that they were going to be closing their eyes to any alcohol that might make its way to the house, but they would make anyone intoxicated stay the night there or get a parent to pick him up. Not at all reassuring to me, and my son did not go to such parties or get togethers. I also wanted it clear that the parents knew that I was very concerned about substance abuse and if my kid was involved in any such activity, I wanted to know about it. Sometimes, people don't want to deal with parents they do not know and will turn a blind eye to this business.</p>
<p>^^^Kelsmom, great job!</p>
<p>Pullinghair, it sounds like the situation at the party was handled appropriately - as soon as the parents hosting the party found out a kid had brought alcohol, the kid was sent home in the care of his parents. I would certainly let my kid go to that house again. It's the house where the parents don't know what's going on, or don't care, that concerns me.</p>
<p>There's nothing wrong with calling the parents who are hosting a party beforehand and asking if they will be home and supervising the kids. Your kid will probably threaten to kill you if you do it, but more of us need to be doing just that. </p>
<p>At our suburban high school, more than half of the students admit to drinking. It's really hard to avoid it, although that doesn't make it right. I get concerned when I hear a parent say, "I know my kid would never drink," because with teens you can almost never say never about anything. And in some cases, I know for a fact that the kid in question DOES drink.</p>
<p>I think the best we can do is to stay in touch with our kids, know their friends, make sure our kids know our values and our rules, and hand out consistent discipline. Also be sure your kid knows that if they ever do end up in a situation that is getting out of hand, and realize they're someplace they shouldn't be, that they can call you for a ride home. No punishment, no questions asked, no ratting the other kids out. They need to know that their safety matters to you more than anything else. You don't want them to stay in a bad situation because they're afraid of being punished. Of course, they can't expect to be "rescued" repeatedly, but once or twice is probably enough for them to learn where <em>not</em> to go.</p>
<p>I have no problem with the home where the incident occurred. The parent could not have handled it better. The kid's parent was called and the kid turned over to him. Then other parents were apprised of the incident so that there was no mistaking what had happened and that all were aware of the situation.</p>
<p>rodney I am aware some parents may lied . When I called to see if they are going to be present at a party that's my way to remind them they are responsible for the kids while they are under their roofs.
Oldfort my kids hate when I call a parent to make sure an adult will be present at a party. I don't care.<br>
I was glad the father notified us. What baffled me is my D's detached attitude. She acted like a drunk classmate was a normal occurence.</p>
<p>Lafalum84 good advise. Thanks
Kelsmom I agree with you raising teenagers is not an easy task. I used to say parents have to be alert around their two year old ,until I have a teenager. I really believe my life span has diminished by a year when my kids became teenagers.</p>
<p>In my town, there are parents who permit alcohol at parties at their house. I personally think they're nuts because a couple in the next town are currently doing jail time on weekends for serving underage kids at a party at their home (two of the kids died in an accident on the way home). But because of this, I WILL call to see if alcohol is being served or permitted. If they lie to me, I have to rely on my children to have good sense. So far, so good. I've gotten called from a party where D wanted a ride home because she wouldn't ride with other kids. My friend's D called her to come help with kids who were sick at a big party where the parents weren't home.</p>
<p>The more common thing around here is a party where the parents say no alcohol but the kids smuggle it in. They get very creative. My D hasn't had a big party yet, just small ones for her friends, none of whom drink (yet). My friend who has a D a couple years older has had a couple big parties at her house. She doesn't serve or permit alcohol, and the rule is that the kids have to spend the night and she collects their keys at the door and doesn't give them back until the following morning. I am fairly certain the kids have snuck alcohol into these parties (hidden ahead of time above the basement ceiling tiles, hidden inside a large stuffed animal, disguised as water in a water bottle). Unless the parents are going to sit in the same room with the kids, which no one around here does, where there's a will there's a way. I think we have to teach our children as best as we can because we will have to rely on them to do the right thing in some situations.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>The more common thing around here is a party where the parents say no alcohol but the kids smuggle it in.<<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>Yup.</p>
<p>If you are having a party at your house, do not allow kids to bring in water bottles or cups of coffee. (Really, why would they need to bring a water bottle into your house? Our hs no longer allows any drinks of any kind to be brought into football games.) Be aware that alcohol can be hidden in drop ceilings, in the bushes outside your basement door or back door, in car trunks, and in wrapped presents. I have heard of girls bringing small "perfume" bottles to dances.... but that ain't perfume in that bottle. </p>
<p>Also, parents... lock up your alcohol. Where are kids getting booze, if they're 15 and the legal age to buy alcohol is 21? From mom and dad's supply, that's where. Count your beers. Lock up your hard liquor. Don't think that drawing a line on the bottle so you know how full it is will do anything - I know of a parent who couldn't figure out why her margaritas had no flavor, until she realized the bottle of tequila had been almost completely refilled with water. When your kids were toddlers, you had a lock on the medicine cabinet and the cabinet with cleaning supplies. Well, your teens are still exploring their world and seeking independence, a lot like toddlers. Don't leave temptation easily accessible for them to give in to.</p>
<p>My son is a junior and finds it incredibly hard to find things to do on the weekends that don't include alcohol. He is home more times than not because he doesn't want to be involved in any of that.</p>
<p>"What baffled me is my D's detached attitude. She acted like a drunk classmate was a normal occurence."</p>
<p>That's because, statistically, it is.</p>
<p>True story, NOT an urban myth. Talking to a good friend this weekend. Her D who is 13 was invited to a party that she could not attend. They live in a very upscale neighborhood. </p>
<p>She then learns the next day, from another parent whose child DID attend the party, that it turned out to be a co-ed sleepover AND the parents provided the kids with beer. </p>
<p>She says to her D, "did you know they were going ot be drinking?" And she says, "duh, yeah mom, everyone knows that"</p>
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<blockquote> <p>I didn't have any alcohol or drug issues at all with D. Her crowd wasn't into it at all. <<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>Been lucky with both girls, and I don't know if it is because they are girls or whether they were both in the marching band (or both). </p>
<p>Oldest D didn't have any problems with her lack of alcohol consumption curtailing her social life in college either. </p>
<p>What is interesting is that now that she is in the working world, she's finding it harder to find friends who want to do something other than drink/party/go clubbing on the weekends. She has spent the past 6 months in the midwest and I don't know if social life centered around drinking is a "midwest thing."</p>
<p>Her midwest acquaintances (recent college graduates) were discussing how much $$ they spend on alcohol during a week. Between alcohol for home consumption, $$ spent at happy hours during the week and drinks bought on the weekend at restaurant and clubs, the figure came to around $100...a week!</p>
<p>Alcohol consumption crosses every social group/EC whether it is marching band, speech/debate, sports,student govt, etc. It's there whether we like it or not. Kids have to make smart choices wherever they go. If you are an athlete around here you can not be present if there is alcohol. You must leave at once or there are severe consequences and penalties. There have been several who lost college scholarships over the years. Stay strong!</p>