Maybe I’m just overreacting, but I think I have an issue.
I’m currently signed in an individual lease for an off campus apartment. I just BARELY moved in not 24 hours ago, and one of my roommates showed up at about 2 AM pretty drunk. I was in the living room eating a TV dinner when suddenly I heard a very hostile, “Are you gay?” I am, but the abrupt nature of the situation kinda made my heart sink. I tried to voice as calm of a “no.” as I could. This particular roommate then started to talk about how I act, dress, and talk and that he’s religious and not okay with it. Just the hostility in his voice made me nervous enough to pick up my meal and walk to my room and lock the door.
We currently have one other roommate who just barely walked in and he was pretty shocked by the situation as well.
The hostility in this guy’s voice tells all though; I don’t want my sexuality to define who I am really and it was just my intention to keep it to myself since I don’t really think it’s anyone else’s concern. I just wanted to be the nicest roommate they’ve ever had who doesn’t cause trouble. But my personality leaked it without me realizing it.
I respect his right to not be okay with it. I don’t want to subject him to it nor do I feel like I should be a part of this. Thus, I think it’s best if I just transfer to another room. But the problem is that I’m signed into a lease, and transfers typically have a $250 fee. Is it likely that due to the nature of my situation they’d let me switch for reduced cost or free? I was told that if there was a problem with roommates, they’d first ask you to talk it over with your roommate and if that didn’t work the office would hold a roommate intervention. But I don’t feel like this is anyone’s place to try and change this guy’s opinion and that it’d probably be the easiest to just let me transfer somewhere else.
This is the first time in all of my years of roommates that this has happened where someone found me out, especially within 24 hours, so I have no idea what to do. Help?
What state are you in? Go to the leasing office with your non homophobic roommate and explain your concerns. You might want to bring up the fact that he was very drunk and you’re aware of how high the violence rate against LGBT individuals is.
Ask management how you should proceed and emphasize that you need to feel safe in your own living quarter.
I think this would be less of an issue if you were upfront about it. Everyone has things they’re uncomfortable with, but if you made your sexuality clear from day 1, then there would be none of this secrecy business.
I get that it isn’t always safe to come out. Maybe it’s your family situation. But we both just have to accept that not everyone is comfortable with living in the same house as a gay person. We can’t change that by hiding ourselves or holding interventions.
If you never lied about your sexual orientation on your application, or if there was no checkbox for sexual orientation, then I see no reason why they’d make you pay a fee to leave. It’s not your fault.
If you did lie on your application, they might make you pay. Many people think it’s our fault for being gay, and we should deal with the consequences.
This situation sucks, and I’m uncomfortable just reading it. You don’t deserve this, but I wish you the best of luck.
I think you have every right to be uncomfortable. I also think it would be good to get backup from your non-homophobic roommate, and, as whenhen suggested, go to the leasing office with him. I don’t know if you’ll get a reduced fee, but I do think this is more serious than just a typical roommate problem. Coming out to your drunk roommate is totally your choice, but I’m not going to pressure you to do so.
Agree with the above poster - emphasize the safety concerns when proceeding. I would hope that the transfer fee is mostly so that people who just don’t like their roommates don’t change all the time and that it would be waived.
I didn’t lie on the application. These are completely random roommates. The main reason I felt the need to lie was just the hostility made me feel somewhat unsafe to say yes.
Forgot to answer this from earlier, but I live in Texas.
There’s no threats of physical violence, but rather just the statements mentioned above toward me. So I don’t think the police need to be involved just yet.
@ucbalumnus from the OP’s post, it doesn’t sound as though the roommate made criminal threats.
@MarchingMaster I asked to see if there were any state anti sexual discrimination ordinances for housing. Since Texas does not have laws like that, but you should still go to management.
My niece lived in similar apartment and when she had problems with roommate the management was pretty responsive about switching people around. Definitely talk the them. Even if it was random, they did place you there and if you feel uncomfortable then they should fix it. There was nothing threatening or illegal with niece, just an obvious mismatch of living styles and they still moved roommate. Honestly, the fact that you didn’t pick this person as roommate makes it more management’s responsibility to fix without a “I just changed my mind” transfer fee.
I don’t think you should have to come out if you don’t want to. It is nobody’s business but yours. However, if the hostile roommate guessed that you are after only 1 day, then it may be be more apparent to others than you think. That should not make a difference, but apparently it does to this roommate. I think you have every reason to be fearful of this situation given the hostility. I think you need to go to the leasing office immediately with the 3rd roommate if possible, to request a room change citing your personal safety as a concern. Your sexual orientation should not be the issue and if they bring it up, you do not have to confirm or deny. The fact that he accused you and was hostile about it is a safety concern. Explain that this is not about a minor issue with a roommate, but is a safety issue. I would hope they would not charge you the $250. I am guessing that in some states an attorney might be able to take action to avoid that fee, but it might not be worth the cost.
Why is a roommate who is “religious” coming home drunk at 2am? I would also qualify as “very religious” and the Bible clearly condemns intoxication, so your roommate has some spiritual growth to do.
You seem like a good guy. I would go to the housing people and request a change, but I don’t know that I would lob the “safety” concept too quickly. It is quite possible that saying that will cause you to do additional documentation, potentially meet with others, etc which may not be what you want. If you can get a switch without being quite that direct about your concerns, the situation might diffuse more quickly. If you do have to say it, I would indicate clearly that he didn’t do anything violent or threaten violence, as they may have procedures for this that you may want to avoid. And speaking as a “religious person” I want to apologize to you for this outlier. The vast, vast, vast majority of religious people would never treat you with disrespect, and I HATE it when people act like this and couple with “I’m religious”. From a biblical perspective, he’s got some pretty big logs in his own eye. What a jerk.
NO ONE is under any obligation to “come out” if they don’t want to. What would you like the OP to do? “Hi my name is Joe and I’m gay.” No. People don’t do that nor should they have to.
I lived with my roommate for 3 years before I figured out she wasn’t straight (she’s not gay or bi either) because who the **** cares? That wasn’t the crux of our relationship.
OP, I’d echo others to go to the housing office or whoever runs your apartment. This individual may very well be violent the next time he’s drunk and that’s not a risk you should take.
Alright everyone; even though today is Sunday, there was someone on-staff at the leasing office who had the administrative power to process a room change for me.
Quick and easy. Just embarrassing to have to go talk to the front office about. They let me have the option to move today, but I’d rather do it tomorrow if I need some assistance since the front office was closing in less than 30 minutes. They’ll be open all day tomorrow.
I also question whether it’s OP who needs to move out – or the homophobe. I would handle it like this:
Have a frank talk with the guy. Be calm, and have your other roommate present. Tell him exactly what happened: that he came home drunk, highly aggressive and offensive.
Tell him it’s none of his business whether you’re gay or not, and tell him that his religious convictions are none of YOUR business.
Then tell him you have absolutely no intention of changing the way you dress, act or talk – and that it’s up to him to either respect you as you are - or move out.
If he’s really as homophobic as he appeared that night, he might move out on his own. But even if he stays, I would also report the situation to the housing office so that they have the heads up. If the homophobe does anything at all threatening/offensive/inappropriate again, one of you can move out right away.
Sorry you had to deal with this – and wishing you the best.
