Not complaining, just need to vent

Today marks the 3rd time that I’ve had a roommate offer rejected after opening up and telling the person that I’m gay before they confirm me as their roommate.

Everything will always be going fine in the convo, and they’ll ask me for my housing number so that they can request me. And then I’ll always tell the person that, “Before you confirm me, I just want to make sure your cool something. I don’t know what your beliefs are on stuff, and sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but I am gay. If that’s something that would bother you/make you uncomfortable in any way, just let me know and it’d be fine and I’d understand. Again, last thing I’d want is for you to get stuck with someone who you dont want as a roommate.”

I always say that I don’t mind, but it’s really starting to hurt. I’ve always been insecure about my sexuality, and even to this day am not out to everyone in my immediate family.

I’ll be getting a roommate randomly now, and I can only worry that they will feel the same way and they’ll be uncomfortable, except this time they’ll be stuck with me, and I’ll be stuck with them.

I mean I kinda expected it to go this way for the last guy, because he’s an international student from the Middle East, but the other two are from new york ffs. And my school is in ny… one of the most accepting places. AND it’s not like I was the one reaching out to them… they reached out to me.

Anyways rant over. Sorry

Nothing wrong with random. My kid did random last year and it worked out ok and he’s doing random again this year. It saves a lot of headaches.

You did right by telling prospective roommates that you are gay and if they had issues with it, those issues were theirs to deal with. They apparently were uncomfortable with their own sexuality. Anyone secure, within himself, wouldn’t have an issue.

Random has worked, somewhat, for my kids. They just do their own thing. It’s better, going in, if you are not “best buddies” anyway. People learn to be cordial to their roommates in most cases.

I am sorry that happened to you. Coming out is hard enough. Feeling rejected for being who you are is heartbreaking. I don’t have any advice expect to say good for you for being self-aware and honest. There is nothing wrong with you. It is their loss. You will eventually build a community of friends and family who will be thrilled to be part of your tribe.

D2 did random for sophomore year. Worked out better than coach pick freshman year. No sexuality issues involved, but she would have been okay with a gay roommate.

And good for you for being honest. That shows a lot of maturity for a college freshman.

I’m really sorry you’re down about this, but rest assured that random can work out for the best. I’ve picked my roommates as friends the last 2 years and it’s always caused more issues and stress on our relationships. Now I have bad/nonexistent relationships with 3 out of 4 of them. This summer I fought with my one friend roommate and became good friends with the two randoms that I’d never met before. The truth is random might not always work out, but I believe it has an equal likelihood to.

I honestly wish all schools would do away with the roommate request route for incoming freshmen. What a weird pressure to put on students to market themselves and “close the deal.” I think random does at least as well. My daughter was relieved that her school (USD) was committed to random assignments, with just a simple questionnaire for basic compatibility. Loved her assigned roommate, and most people in her freshman dorm were satisfied as well. So sorry you went through all this. I’m optimistic for your fall match-up.

I’m sorry you are being rejected this way and I agree that having match ups online ahead of time seems like a bad idea in general. Too much pressure.

Look at the housing website since some schools I think you can put into a pool with like minded kids. That might work for you
My son did random now 3 times. He likes the lottery aspect of it I guess. Never best friend’s but cordial with both. He personally wouldn’t care if you were gay as much as if you were a Republican etc.
I am divided on whether you should come out and Tell your roommate.

Yet . Not really sure in 2019 why it matters. Living in a big city (Chicago), it just seems more “normal” then not. My daughter is gay and don’t think she told anyone that didn’t know her personally like her first roommate. At the theater house she shared with 20 kids it was more the norm so no reason to.
When living at college roommates can be different races, personalities, religious beliefs and I see being gay just something that makes you, well you. Just with any roommate there just needs to be respect for each other. My sons roommate never had his girlfriend sleep over since he didn’t feel that was the right thing to do. I think letting people like you, for you, first and if needed to tell them then just do that. Many might of not actually known or been friends with someone that is different then them. I think that is where their “fear” comes from.
I am sure you will get different opinions on this but my daughters friends that some are male gay men didn’t seem to have issues with their straight male roommates. Wonder if there is a Facebook or Reddit site on this subject?

Thanks for the reply, the insight, and sharing your children’s experience. Unfortunately, my college does not have a preference sheet you can fill out. You can request a roommate or you’ll have one selected for you at random.

I actually think your response sounds a little like you’re trying too hard. Can you just say, “btw, I have a boyfriend but he’s in another state.” Instead of the long, drawn out get-out clause. White lie to make other people comfortable. Or, put the info in your profile. Basically, the less you make it sound like a big deal, the less likely anyone will treat it as such.

Best of luck, things will work out.

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say that I’m sorry that people aren’t more open minded.

My daughter went random and adores her roommates. She is living with her again next year. The roommate identifies LGBTQ. My daughter does not. Doesn’t matter a hill of beans. Roomie is a super person and an amazing friend. I hope your roommate experience will be equally as positive. Cyber hugs to you!

Well, we don’t know you delivered this news. But I’m not entirely sure why, in the world we want, you feel it’s a major matching factor to announce to a stranger.
If you’re a nice guy or gal, respect their space, does it matter to say, “And I’m intrested in same gender romance?” Are you assuming they need to be best buds? Or that you being gay is a liability to them? One of mine had a gay roomie and so what? They found conminalities or not. They’re friends 7 years later.
Trust yourself.

FWIW, on the UC-Berkeley questionnaire for random roommate search, it basically only asks 4 questions OTOH: what time do you go to sleep, what time do you wake up, give a scale from 1-5 on your neatness, and give a scale from 1-5 on how you value security. Doesn’t ask anything else.

I didn’t want to say it but I agree with the above. I think forcing the issue was pushing them away. Live and learn. I also would take the same approach when trying to make new friend’s at school. Don’t force the issue. Your a nice person, go with that. They will find out more about you as you develop your friendships.

Lots of opinions here, I just wanted to post that I personally think you are doing the right thing by mentioning it up front, in your own, open and honest way. If nothing else, this saves YOU stress of worrying if you should have told or not, or you wondering if the roommate has resentment that you didn’t tell them up front.

To me, making friends is a much more gradual and up front process than being forced to live together in a small room for 9 months. I think the two situations require different levels of up front communication.
IOW, I think you are doing the right thing, and I ALSO think that you’ll be just fine with a random choice! Anecdotally, I think “chosen” roommates sound like they don’t get along just as often as random ones.

My niece went to USD and I don’t think it was a random assignment as she lived with her BFF from hs all 4 years. That would be quite a coincidence if it was random.

@Knowsstuff Yeah, I definitely agree with letting people befriend me based on my personality and not sexuality, but I just feel like its different with your roommate. Like it wouldnt be fair for me to just hide something like that from them. You know? If we’re living together I deff feel like we shouldnt be secretive about things as that could lead to some crappy moments if my roommate found out secretive stuff like that through other people or on their own.

Maybe it’s different at a nerdy high pressure study place like UC-Berkeley, but my kid told me he basically went the whole year without a meaningful conversation with his roommate other than to say hi and good morning and good night and talk about sports events. Plus most of the time my kid went to his dorm room only to sleep and text. (Not that much different behavior from home life lol).

Funny, @ProfessorPlum168. Same here. It took my son like half the year to figure out what his roommate was studying at school but both were nice, cordial but did very few things together.
@LittleLiam. That is a great answer and approach if that is what works for you. You have to do you. No one can be in your shoes and just do what you think is right. Let’s us know how it turns out.