Any advice for a first-time college mom?

Parents Forum
1

<p>To the many, many experienced parents on this site: I have a question for you!</p>

<p>I am the oldest of six kids, the second of my 22 cousins to go to college, and my parents have very limited amounts of college experience. I was accepted to Brown ED, and my mother and I are now dealing with all the forms and details for this fall. This has been extremely hard on my mom; because my youngest sibling is eighteen months old, she wasn't able to visit the campus with me last summer, and she won't be able to join my father and myself when I move in in August. She feels very left out from the whole process, and I'm having a hard time balancing her involvement and my need to keep myself informed (she takes all my mail!) For the first eighteen years of my life, my mom has dominated my schedule, and now that I'm trying to take care of things for myself, I know she feels kind of useless. I don't mean to hurt her, but I need to take care of business!</p>

<p>Since college is a new thing for my mother and most of her family and friends, we really have no idea what to expect. Fortunately, we're covered in terms of financial aid, but in the other areas- how I'll live, how we'll communicate, how much my mom will be involved with my life at Brown- we're driving blind.</p>

<p>My question is this: What can I tell my mom about the first-time college experience to make her less nervous and more secure? What does she most need to know before sending me away? Also, what do I need to know about dealing with my mom at this time?</p>

2

<p>Don't start fighting for your independence now. If your mom ran your schedule for 18 years, let her do it for 3 more months (for her sake, not yours). You'll have all the independence you need once you leave.</p>

<p>Tell your mom that you'll call her every weekend - and do that. </p>

<p>Make her an AIM account, and if you feel like keeping her involved, leave "away messages" (such as "dinner", or "nap", or whatever) that will give her a feeling that she knows your whereabouts.</p>

<p>Answer e-mails and return phone calls.</p>

<p>Having 5 more kids at home, I don't think your mom will be too intrusive. Just let her feel that she is still playing an important role in your life.</p>

3

<p>When you get to school, take pictures of your campus, dorm room, new friends, your roommate, cafeteria, etc. Send these to your mom with descriptions so she gets the "feel" of where you're going to school and with whom. That should help to give her a mental image of what you're doing, where, and with whom when you talk to her.</p>

4

<p>She shouldn't be controlling your mail. Ask for it as soon as you get home, and be sure you are scrupulous about keeping everything important. Have two folders for papers - one for your letters, one for your parents. Keep a calendar of important dates - room selection deadline, tuition bill due, orientation plan, etc. The idea is to be able to say, "Mom, I can handle it." Then do so. </p>

<p>To keep them focused, ask your parents for help with certain types of decisions. Two areas you should investigate over the summer are health insurance and spending money. It will cost roughly a thousand dollars a semester for books, travel and everyday expenses. You need a least one of these: a credit card, checking, or savings account that you can access with an ATM.</p>

<p>It is so easy to communicate with the Internet! Is your mom comfortable with e-mail? If not, show her how to do it, or she might prefer a once-a-week phonecall. Share decisions about things like your class schedule and tidbits about dorm life - the more you show how involved and capable you are, the easier it will be for her to realize that she did a good job of raising you, and it's OK to let go.</p>

5

<p>First of all, I would like to compliment you on your perceptive and heartwarming interest in your Mom's concerns.</p>

<p>We have a freshman in college. We communicate with him pretty much every day via AIM. In fact, there are many days in which we hear about what is going on far more now than we did when he was in high school. We rarely talk on the phone, since the phone is more intrusive into his life than IM. </p>

<p>He, of course, is on his computer much of the time and is able to IM with us intermittently with his other work. We IM with him at night, which might be a convenient time of day for your Mom. We understand that if he is busy or does not feel like IMing for whatever reason that we are not to insist. It would be good to give your Mom this understanding over time. As a parent, I think IM is a good trade off; we hear from him very frequently but we don't get to actually communicate by voice very often.</p>

<p>I would disagree with the idea of leaving "away" messages constantly about what you are doing. IMO, that gives your Mom too much detail about your daily life. IMO she should not be involved with your schedule to the level of detail of knowing that you are at lunch, say. I agree that you might want to get her to step back a little. Not offering to reveal such details will IMO help her take that step back. I have no idea what our son is doing at this instant, and I am fine with that. I know that I could reach his cell if I needed to, and IMO that is sufficient. Obviously, before cell phones and IM, parents got along just fine with far less information than some seem to expect now. </p>

<p>So, IMO consider concentrating on communicating via IM, supplemented with, say, weekly phone calls or whatever works for you. I believe that our son is satisfied with this arrangement.</p>

6

<p>I highly recommend the book, "Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years". Also, if there is any way possible, assuming your college does a good job with the event in terms of providing information and facilitating networking, it would be helpful if your mom could attend Parents Weekend at your compus freshman year. Even if she has to bring the baby -- between you and your friends, there should be plenty of eyes and arms to help out. </p>

<p>This may sound obvious, but it wasn't to my kids: ask your roommate for permission to give your parents her cell phone number in case of emergency--and then make your parents promise never to call that number except in a true emergency. It wasn't that long ago that dorm rooms had landline phones which roomates shared -- sooner or later, if your child didn't answer, chances are the roomate would. Now most students don't bother with the landline and suddenly the folks back home realize they haven't heard from their kids in 2 1/2 weeks and the cell phone goes straight to voice mail. What does that mean? Dead battery or dead kid? Then, you are sitting at home wondering who to call, when your last and possibly only contact with the college was the check you wrote to secure the child's place. </p>

<p>I think the one thing for certain that all parents can reasonably expect is evidence that their child is still alive. It's only fair. If you are away from IM/email for an extended time and your cell phone battery dies or you're in an area with poor service, and your parents haven't heard from you in a while, borrow a cell phone to call (or text) them to let them know you're okay, just temporarily without ready means of communication. Let them know when you get home from a trip safely. We worry about ski trips and weekend trips to the beach...especially if our kids are not good skiers or swimmers, and there is no age limit for car accidents. </p>

<p>Cell phone text messaging, especially when people are in different time zones and have different sleep schedules, is the best thing since sliced bread. Even my 24-year-old doesn't mind responding to the occasional "You still alive?" or "What time does your flight get in?" text message. It's non-invasive and replies are quick and easy. My kids get so many text messages anyway, one or two from me now and then is nothing -- and it seems so much less "parent/child" than a phone call.</p>

7

<p>To quote Douglas Adams in the Hitchicker's Guide to the Galaxy:</p>

<p>"Don't Panic."</p>

8

<p>First, congrats to your Brown acceptance. It's a wonderful achievement, and, I am sure, a source of pride for your parents and a role model for your siblings. Your experience will be very valuable to them when the time comes for them to apply to colleges. </p>

<p>Try to share as much information as possible with your parents. Have your parents looked through the Brown website very much? There may be a website for admitted students and parents of admitted students. There may be pictures of different dorms, list of activities and groups that they could look up to give themselves an idea of what your life will be like.</p>

<p>When your housing questionnaire comes in, ask your mom to help buy what you will need for your dorm room (ask her to look up the bedding thread at the top of the Parents' Cafe. It has all sorts of suggestions). Get your parents involved in some of the decisions regarding purchases such as laptops, cell phones, etc... It will make them feel less left behind as you go off to college. When the course catalog arrives, share with them your thoughts about which courses you are thinking of taking and why.</p>

<p>I know people who communicate via skype. It's free, though for how long I do not know. You can communicate via computers; if you attach a webcam to the computer, you can see each other as you talk. You can also train the webcam to the rest of your room so your parents can see how it looks like. But you don't need to be so elaborate. </p>

<p>If you make it a point to email or call home regularly, you will save yourself your parents calling you at inconvenient times. If you use cell phones, you can be on a family plan that allows you unlimited calls, including long-distance calls to other members of the family.</p>

9

<p>I'd expect my kid to email a couple times a week. Sometimes phone calls make people choke up (my kid had a couple not too pleasant camp experiences), so you might be careful about calling during the first month or so. Your mom would probably get a big kick out of a couple handwritten snail-mail letters, too. I know I would.</p>

10

<p>Want to make your mom feel wonderful? Sit down sometime the first few weeks of school and write her a lovely hand-written letter thanking her for all those times she said "no" to your hare-brained schemes, all those times she listened to you sob because of mean friends, horrible chem tests or whatever. Thank her for always being there for you. I know how much this letter will mean to her because my oldest sent one to me...</p>

11

<p>There is no magic to this! The fact that you asked the question tells me you know what to do.</p>

<p>Follow your own judgement and heart. You know yourself and your family, and should have a far better idea of what will work with your mother than we do. </p>

<p>Remember that YOU have a life you need to start living. Work on that, and let yuor mom know how it is going. Let her share (just a bit) in what is happening.</p>

<p>You'll do fine.</p>

12

<p>If my daughter didn't walk from place to place, we'd never hear from her. We'll be talking along and she'll say, "Well, I'm at the ____ so I've got to go." Use down time like that for phone calls. Plus, you can keep your phone calls to your parents to a manageable length.</p>

13

<p>Thanks for all your wonderful suggestions!</p>

<p>One problem is that my mom is not AT ALL comfortable with email, the Internet, and things of that nature. Because of her wishes, we don't have Internet access at home; I'm able to access this site and my own email through school and community computers. I've offered to set up a Hotmail (or similar) email account for her, but she won't have any of that. I can still email my dad at work and one of my younger brothers, but the none-at-home problem still applies. I simply can't afford a cell phone or very frequent long-distance phone calls (I'm from Ohio, and neither myself nor my family has a great deal of money), at least until I can find a job at school.</p>

<p>The main problem right now is that my mom takes all of the paperwork that Brown sends me, files it away, and says "Don't touch this, I need time to look at it first." Of course, with five other kids, this time is hard to come by- but the time I spend waiting for her is time that I could be spending filling out forms, writing essays, et cetera. I know that my mom needs to be informed, but I'm worried that I will either miss deadlines or not be able to spend as much time on the forms as I would like to.</p>

<p>I intend to get my mom some sort of Big Present before I leave- a big deal because we're not a family that's big on gift-giving. Any suggestions?</p>

14

<p>Sounds like your mom is not ready for you to go. But that's o.k. Write to Brown and have them send email attachments of all necessary correspondence as well. You can tell them what is going on or whatever, that snail mail is getting mixed up and that you just want to make sure everything is done in a timely manner. That's what I would do. Your mom does need to be informed and so do you. In fact, at this point, Brown will expect you to do the groundwork. It is your job. I don't think many parents are ready for that. After 18 years parenting is a major vocation for many of us and signing up for retirement when your kid goes off to school, well, some of us don't do it very well. You sound like an attentive and compassionate person. That's good. Don't lose that! :)</p>

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<p>As far as gifts go, I would just make sure to keep up with a steady flow of correspondence via snail mail (if you have to) and include pictures. Let's make that weekly. There is no better present from college kids to parents that I can think of....except, staying safe!</p>

16

<p>I think a gift to a Mom could be similar to what's been suggested on another thread for inexpensive graduation gifts - something from the heart. A scrapbook, a weekend away with just the two of you, a mix cd of songs you both like... I took my daughter to Philadelphia last summer for an overnight and we both enjoyed ourselves. I got a great deal on priceline for a hotel and we did inexpensive fun things around the city. My daughter and I are always so busy when she's home that just getting away without the rest of the family was nice.</p>

<p>As far as your original question... I talk to my daughter about once a week or once every 10 days on the phone and an occasional e-mail. While she does have a cell phone, until this quarter, she's not had good reception in a dorm room so I also gave her a phone card. They are pretty darn cheap if you look around for a good deal. You can set a fixed time every week so you can both look forward to the call. I have a copy of the book Letting Go and found it very helpful.</p>

17

<p>Are you real?</p>

<p>I'm just going to go with the assumption that a kid as sensitive to his/her mother actually exists because I really, really want to believe it.</p>

<p>I was in this situation last Fall, and it may have been a bit harder for me than many moms because I'm partially disabled. I can't just get on a plane at the drop of a hat and visit my kid when I want to, so when he decided on a school 3,000 miles away, I was falling apart inside. Note the word INSIDE. </p>

<p>There comes a time, probably never early enough, for us parents to realize that our children are on loan to us, not our personal property. They want to begin THEIR lives, not be accessories to ours. So we have to let them go, no matter how painful it feels.</p>

<p>Your mom is not at the far end of the spectrum; some parents really believe that their child's primary responsibility in choosing a college is to remain within a certain number of miles of home -- like 10 or something -- so that the child can continue with his or her most important function, which is apparently to make the parents feel contented with his or her continuous presence. This never ceases to amaze me. I would run fast and far from a parent who tried to entrap me this way.</p>

<p>Your mom is having normal feelings and fears. If she made family the center of her life and children the center of her family, she may have an irrational fear that the family is somehow breaking apart with you leaving. She will have to face this and deal with it on her own. All relationships are dynamic, including yours and hers. It is NOT YOUR JOB TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER EMOTIONALLY, although it is very, very kind of you to be sensitive to what she is going through. </p>

<p>You will have enough to do to begin your new life and your Mom knows that. One wise mom told me that once she saw her child settled in at school and happy with the friends he had made that she was able to exhale and stop crying. The best thing you can do for your mom is to be happy. </p>

<p>Of course we parents like communication, but it still needs to be on your terms. Our S called about twice a week at the beginning and after he had been at school awhile and was finally convinced that he really had all the freedom he so desperately wanted, he started calling more and IM'ing me when he saw that I was online. I sent him away with stationery and stamps but he claims not to know where a campus mail drop is. How he got into an Ivy I will never understand...</p>

<p>When your mom sends you care packages, acknowledge them. Tell her what your life is like, the good and the bad. And tell her you love her. That's all she really needs.</p>

18

<p>I agree with a lot of what Dizzymom just wrote. I guess the part that I can't get over is that your mother not only opens your mail (which appalls me, personally) but then she won't let YOU read it.</p>

<p>Can you say MAJOR control freak?</p>

<p>Best of luck, because if what you write is even halfway true, you are going to need it. If it were me, I'd be looking for an alternate address to send my mail to (nearby friend/relative that understands your situation?) because sooner or later, your mom's need to control access to your own mail is going to mess up something regarding Brown. Can your Dad intervene on your behalf?</p>

<p>ETA - I guess it's my suspicious nature, but have you considered that your mother is doing the mail thing to deliberately sabotage your attendance at Brown?</p>

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<p>I don't think that my mom is trying to sabotage me. There have been occasional but legitimate issues about me getting things done on time, so that's one reason she's so concerned. Then again, some things have been turned in late because I haven't had access to them!</p>

<p>I think my mom is just doing this because she wants to be involved with, if not necessarily in control of, my college life. She put no limitations on where I was "allowed" to go to school or how often I have to come home, and I'm thankful for that. We've had a lot of arguments recently over the issue; she would like to believe that she/her parenting is the reason why I got into Brown. This is true to an extent- she encouraged me to read, et cetera- but I still had to work and achieve on my own for my place!</p>

<p>Dizzymom- I am real, but I come out a lot nicer in print than in reality. This has been a subject for a lot of yelling, screaming and fighting in my house, and I'm trying to work out how to avoid more of it over the next few months.</p>

20

<p>Gonewithfergus:</p>

<p>Not many people would admit to being nicer in print than in reality! :)</p>

<p>There is not a lot that your mom can do now to impede you, whether because she wants to be involved or is trying to be controlling. The major issue will be--if you have not done so already--sending back your acceptance; then filling out your housing questionnaire. You will have time to do so, though it is better to send back questionnaires earlier at some colleges. Then will come the tuition bill. This is something your parents will need to deal with (usually twice a year) and may not procrastinate over. Presumably, however, your dad handles this? </p>

<p>There will be decisions to be made--I refer you back to my first post which mentions bedding and other purchases. This is where your mom can be very helpful. By the way, given the size of your family, a set of cell phones and a family plan might be very useful. Members of the family can call one another free at any time. You can also make calls and receive calls free after 9 on weekdays and all day on weekends. If you are far from home but on the family plan, it still costs nothing.</p>