<p>Skyhook, your worries last year are exactly the thoughts going thru my head this year. </p>
<p>mommusic, you make valid points, and it is good to be reminded that we need to teach our children to stand on their own feet. I try to be aware if I am hovering. But at the same time, I want to be supportive because, all those years ago, I did not have any kind of support system to help me thru those after-high-school years. Neither my husband nor I went to college right after high school, so we don’t have any similar experiences that our son is going thru now to draw upon. That is one reason I do appreciate the comments on this thread.</p>
<p>This morning, the only way to cross our daughter’s room was to walk across furniture. Tonight, it is clean and looks half empty. Reality is setting in - only 6 more family dinners before the great flight! I know she will be fine - I know we will be fine - but it sure is a big step. Our younger one is starting middle school the day after we return - DD and her friend did the sweetest thing for her. They holed up in DD’s room and wrote 75 sweet notes to her (bumper sticker quotes, silly riddles, love messages, etc) for me to put in her lunch the first 75 school days of middle school. Ahhhhhh so sweet.</p>
<p>Yeah, but I was miserable the entire first semester. It took me into the second semester to make any friends and have any fun. I hate to think of my D going through that. Tonight was the farewell to the BF.</p>
<p>I was dozing in front of the TV in bed. The second H turned off the light I was wide awake.</p>
<p>snapdragonfly, you’re definitely right that unless you’ve experienced your child leaving for college you don’t know the reality of what it feels like. Their friends, the kids you’ve had over to your house for years and have been part of their lives, are also off to school for the next phase of their lives, so it’s definitely a different atmosphere at home.</p>
<p>Uh oh. I’m feeling weepy on this end this am myelf. 48 hours from departure. We are completely organized and ready. No last minute running around with hair on fire. But instead all I have to do besides a couple of errands is sit and think about it all. And read CC. And be a bit hurt that last night my S found the time to individually give a “thumbs up” and a personalized response to every single one of the 50 something people who told him Happy Birthday on FB yesterday–except my post. All I got is a thumbs up…but everyone else–including his father, grandparents, etc.–get individualized responses and even a couple of “I love yous”. Why do sons torture their mothers? Is this why some mothers eat their young in the animal world? I’m not convinced I’ll never hear from him again once I drop him off half way across the country…</p>
<p>I’m taking my oldest son to college tomorrow morning. Like VTmom, his Dad and I are divorced and I’m slightly anxious about how the logistics will all work out on move in day (I’m so sorry VTmom, that was so wrong imo…). I also did all of the shopping, buying, packing of his dorm necessesities and actually really enjoyed it. S and I are leaving in earlier morning (2 hr. drive) and I will help him move in for first couple hours then told his Dad to come around 11:30 a.m. and take him to lunch while I keep unpacking. I don’t want to stay too long and hover, but hope to get him settled well before leaving. His Dad will take off right after taking him to lunch is the plan. We don’t hate each other, but it’s uncomfortable to be in same room for both of us and S unfortunately. I wish it weren’t that way, but it is. I wanted them to have time to say good bye, but I want to be the last one there. At least we have the two our drive together which is our time to talk and listen to his music, and drive through Starbucks :)</p>
<p>I just feel excited for my S, so am feeling a bit abnormal not to be sad about him leaving. I keep thinking that maybe it won’t sink in for me until the drive home. we’ll see…</p>
<p>and Proudmom, sorry :(. Mine can be like that too and wouldn’t even fb friend me until this year (stating privacy issues). Love them anyway, lol!</p>
<p>VTmom, that was so unfair of your ex to do to both you and your S. I’m glad to see your S is so excited now that he is at school and you will be visiting soon. It’s to you and your S’s credit that you handled it so well!</p>
<p>Vtmom92. I would be SO angry and upset if I was in your position. Do you think the father was thoughtless, or acted as he did to upset you? Or shall we just stop thinking about it because it will only make us all collectively want to find him and do something mean to him?</p>
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<p>How deeply they can hurt us, without even trying. In the last few days I’ve been thinking about how our house has never been the one in which kids congregated. Son and older D both have significant others…I’ve seen the GF about three times this summer and the BF once. Our kids have hung out at their houses for hours on end. One of D’s friends - that she’s hung out with since 7th grade - remarked that she’s never been inside our house (and I can’t even begin to count the number of sleepovers and late night study sessions at hers.)</p>
<p>We put in a pool about 5 years ago. None of the kids have ever invited anyone over to swim. We bought DDR when it was all the rage. No friends invited to play. Wii - no friends over to play. I do think that our house is less “grand” than many of their friends’ homes (but not the homes of the GF and the BF.) </p>
<p>It is heartbreaking to think that now that their time at home (as kids) is basically over, we were unable to create the kind of home into which they would want to invite friends. The kids say it is because H (who is the stay at home parent) dresses in an embarrassing way (they aren’t being snobs; he’s mostly shirtless at home, wearing only sweatpants in the winter and a swim suit in the summer) and that he asks any visitors personal questions (which he does.) </p>
<p>It’s just difficult to check the “failed” box on something. I know that none of us are perfect, but this is a failure that I take personally because our kids have decided that our home is not a place to share with their friends…we bought all the toys, but aren’t acceptable as people.</p>
<p>@missypie It seems like you know what the issue was. Is it too much to ask H to put on a shirt and not to ask personal questions? Not to be harsh, but this seems like an easy fix. Maybe not too late for future summers and breaks depending on ages of kids. You may want plan on hosting a holiday or summer party for your kids and their friends in the future.</p>
<p>Been askin’ for at least a decade so yeah…*He thinks *his behavior is entirely appropriate. That’s the thing. Most of us don’t dress or behave in an inappopriate way on purpose. Now I know that teens are teens and they pretty much don’t want you to talk to their friends at all. But I would be content to follow those rules…just put out food once in a while and otherwise stay out of sight. But H sees nothing wrong with actually talking to people who are in his home…which makes sense in theory, but not from the teen perspective.</p>
<p>The clothes are a constant irritant and embarrassment for the entire family. If he has to go to the school for something and he is on the way to work out, he goes to the school event in the baggy shorts and torn t-shirt. Wives are always venting when their H’s say “you aren’t wearing that are you?” but in this marriage, I am the one always saying it (e.g. throwing a t-shirt on over his swim trunks to go to a parent meeting and no, we don’t live in a beach community.)</p>
<p>When the kids think back on their time at home, I don’t think they will say “we were silly, I can’t believe we cared about those things.” I think they will think, even from their adult perspective, that they were justified in not bringing friends home.</p>
<p>Yes - we are all weepy and going to miss them but sometimes when there are some issues or regrets (which we all have) then it gets bittersweet as well.</p>
<p>You know how you go through phases with your kid where sometimes you get along better than other times. I don’t know which would be harder - them leaving in the middle of a not so close phase, or in the middle of a closer phase.</p>
<p>Well, I’m a big mess anyway so I’m shedding a few tears in sympathy for those of you with those issues, too.</p>
<p>ProudMomofS - I think sometimes they just don’t know what to say. They can hurt you without even trying, can’t they?
Missypie - my son and daughter usually went to friends instead of the other way around too. I don’t think it was anything specific in our behavior - we live kind of far out and all their friends were in town and closer. And our house doesn’t have a den or anyplace for them to have their own space. So I can understand it. If I were in your shoes I would feel pretty hurt about it. <em>hugs</em> </p>
<p>I don’t know what to say - other than to mangle that quote about families from that Russian novel I can’t think of at the moment.</p>
<p>Well, none of us were perfect, were we, but, we did the best we could with what we had. And we love them, and they know that. In the end they will surely understand it so much better, when they are in our shoes with their own kids.</p>
<p>^^ Nothing wrong with talking to kid’s friends, as long as it is appropriate conversation, not too personal, prying, etc. If you have talked to H about the way he dressed at school events and when friends are at the house and he cannot put in the little effort it takes to remedy this, he is being very insensitive and perhaps passive aggressive. I’m sorry about that.</p>
<p>Feel better after the first full night’s sleep in over a week. I was pretty chill this morning until I remembered that a stack of reports for work are due Monday.</p>
<p>Just downloaded a DON’T PANIC screensaver (from Hitchhiker’s Guide) for my work computer.</p>
<p>snapdragon and others: if you are like I was, yes: Your heart *will *break. But it is a completely different kind of heartbreak from anything I had experienced before, because it is laced with melancholic nostalgia, pride and gratitude. You will heal, as I did. And if you are as fortunate as I have been, you will develop a new and satisfying relationship with your adult child.</p>
<p>I wish I could tell you it won’t be as bad as you fear. For some it probably won’t be, but for me the hurt was profound. It helped to remember that this parenthood business had never been about me.</p>
<p>Your statement made me think of something. Blossom had some very wise words on this subject. Something to the effect of we will always belong to our kids but they stop belonging to us, except she said it much better than that. I have tried to find that post of hers, but my searches come up empty. Does anyone remember what she said (or how to find it)? I’m guessing it was about 2 years ago.</p>
<p>Oh, I wish I could wrap my arms around all of you!! </p>
<p>My only word of wisdom: Keep coming back here. I had a very rough time after launching my only child, and some of the oldtimers will remember me pouring my heart out in the Parent Forum any number of times. I got such great support and advice. No one understands like these folks do.</p>