<p>My D is graduating college next week. She went to a great university (half way accross the country) and landed a great "professional" job close to our home. I couldn't be more proud or happier. The problem is that I am very stressed about the next four transition months. She plans to live at home until she starts work (or perhaps a bit longer if it is tolerable for all of us). She has no plans for the summer and likely will have no friends in town. I love her dearly but have a very hard time when she just lies around the house. Even on her school breaks, when she has done nothing, before returning to school she says: "Break is over, and I didn't do anything. I am not ready to go back." I just don't want to hear this again in August. She literally can do anything--we have offered to pay for her to travel, we will pay for any classes (art, sports, GRE, others) she wants to take, etc. If I even try to speak about the summer, she gets angry, doesn't want to talk about it and says "why do you always do 'this'?" I do know that part of it is me--I want her to do something so I keep asking about what she wants to do. It is hard for me to relax generally or aout her, in particular. Does anyone feel similarly or have a similar child? I recognize that some of the problem stems from other, longer term, worries I have about (for) her and her happiness. In the saddest and strangest way, it makes me anxious to live in the present and not know her future. On the other hand, I really believe that, while she is stressed, she feels she has the kind of dreamer's optimism that is perifect for this stage of her life. Somehow, I see all the obstacles and pitfalls instead.</p>
<p>You may be doing “this” but doing “this” in all likelihood helped shape her into the successful woman that she has become!</p>
<p>All I can give you is tell you a little story. 6 weeks before our wedding, I was really stressed out holding down a professional position AND planning a wedding. I was starting to escalate about the minute details (e.g. I have GOT to decide whether purple or blue irisis…etc) and well as major decisions. At one point, I told him "This is what I want you to do. I want you to say “Everything is going to be all right, and you will be a beautiful bride.”) Over the years, this has been our inside joke and gentle reminder that I need to relax, enjoy the moment, and not worry so much. Let me tell you, during this college selection process he said it more than once. Now that it is over…guess what. DD got into several schools and picked a perfect fit, which happens to be the very first school she fell in love with. All is well. </p>
<p>She will do fine. She has worked steadily for 22 years, and has clearly not been a couch potato for much of that time, given that she has graduated and already has a professional job. She HAS made you proud. she WILL make you proud. Relax and enjoy the moment, and don’t push her to do anything. She will need the energy to start her job, and will most likely never have three months of freedom again.</p>
<p>Shoot4moon, thank you. I know you are right.</p>
<p>Not sure why this is an issue… unless she is messing up the house and not cleaning up after herself, won’t help at all with any chores, etc. That would bug me. But she has clearly worked very hard in school, and likely will do so in her job once she starts. Seems okay to me if she just hangs out at home for the few months. That is what my D does these days on a lot of her breaks. Most of her hs friends are not around on breaks any more. I don’t feel a need for her to be “productive” every minute of her life. If she wants to read, watch movies, cook, etc. for relaxation for several weeks, I don’t object. I am just happy to have her around after she has been away. I wouldn’t have been happy if she had done it for a whole summer, but that is because she had to earn money for school expenses (which she did every summer).</p>
<p>You say that “part of it is me”. You might want to consider why you feel compelled for her to do something else with her time. Is it because it is not how you would spent that free time if you had it? Is it because you feel overworked, and want her to help around the house more (that could be a reasonable request, my D often does chores and errands for me while she is home on break – and I love having the extra help!)? Is it because you worry that she will get into some kind of sloth-like long term habits? Is it because you are a person who never wants to sit still, and can’t see how someone else might want to? Maybe some internal searching on your part will help with this. I don’t really think she is being unreasonable, especially because she has a good job lined up.</p>
<p>She’s worked hard, is graduating from college and has a job lined up. She has done everything a parent would have ever expected and more. Let her relax and enjoy her summer, change how you respond to her. “Love the kid on the couch”, enjoy the time she is with you. Some time down the road, you may regret not enjoying the"in the moment time" you had with her.</p>
<p>I should be so lucky - - my graduating D has no job prospects.</p>
<p>I agree with the others. This is a fortunate problem to have. </p>
<p>But that doesn’t really address your problem - which is that you stress and worry (even though you know that you needn’t). Most of us have, or have had, things that worry and stress us against all logic.</p>
<p>Ergo… since you are willing to pay for her to travel, study, whatever… Why not, instead, subsidize her getting into her own living situation a few months ahead of time? She’s going to be moving someplace in the area sooner or later. It sounds to me like her living with you over the summer (or longer, heaven forbid) will feed your stress greatly. Because if she is right there, you will be constantly noting when she is waking up or not waking up, when she is just hanging out, when she is not fulfilling your desire for her to “do something.”</p>
<p>Furthermore, there’s a lot of “do something” involved in making the move and setting up household and that would be productive. </p>
<p>Finally, I’d suggest you consider the notion that “vegging out” is, in itself, productive. She worked hard in school, she’s got a good job. As someone else said, she has not been a couch potato. There is value in real down time to refuel, refresh, allow for the mind to just wander, before always rushing to “get back to business.” The opporunity to wake up without an agenda and let the day play out, for an extended time, can be a real opportunity. And you don’t have to worry that it will turn into a never-ending hobo existence. She’s back to work in a few months :).</p>
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Neither does mine. Now that’s a scary transition!</p>
<p>Our S got hired in Feb 2010, graduated in May 2010 & doesn’t start his job until JUNE 2011. In the year+ interim, he has helped his sister & himself move from their respective apts to a storage unit & then to two other apartments, has lived at home & helped us & my folks declutter their homes, helped H paint a few replacement window frames and has finally taken a trip out of country before he begins work. The lag between hiring & his starting his job has actually been good for him & all of us–he had to wait for a security clearance and then for an opening in their orientation schedule. The time will also allow him to get his gear & car moved/driven across country, find a place to live, etc. It actually has been a blessing, tho at the time we were wondering what he was going to do while he waited.</p>
<p>I’m sure things will work out just fine and you will “be a beautiful bride.” Everyone benefits from a little “down” time, just hanging out with few expectations–enjoy it for her & your wonderful D! Who knows, she may voluntarily do some decluttering too–we were pleasantly surprised S decided to on his own.</p>
<p>Last week S emailed me. He is graduating in May and wants to know what I think about starting his new job late Jul or early Aug. He will spending a week on the beach in May with friend/school mates, then traveling for 3 weeks. After that, nothing to do for 4-6 weeks. I told him 4-6 weeks of doing nothing is a long time and he will be bored after a week or two. It’s fine to start Jul or Aug if he has someting planned, but if he is just going to sit home and do nothing, then I give him a list of things to do around the house. Well, now he is starting the last in Jun, one week after being back from his tri.</p>
<p>“Our S got hired in Feb 2010, graduated in May 2010 & doesn’t start his job until JUNE 2011.” </p>
<p>HImom; waiting a whole year before starting his job? could they not put him anywhere else?</p>
<p>S was hired after his internship last summer. They have been doing the security clearance and expecting it this summer when he graduates. But in the mean time, he will be start working in the non-security requirement section until his clearance comes in.</p>
<p>Different strokes–we are happy for S that he has had this time & space since graduation before plunging into his job. He is much more relaxed, happy and confident than I have seen him in ages. Is is also raring to start his new job & career but has no regrets that he has had this period of time that he filled in the way he chose and has found the travel to be so much more enjoyable than he anticipated that he paid the penalty & extended it!</p>
<p>Nope, they were not able to hire S to do anything pending his security clearance but neither S nor we were concerned and it is fine with everyone the way it turned out (tho at times I do believe S actually experienced some boredom).</p>
<p>OP - I guess I don’t know why you are stressing out, especially if she is not. Why not let her just hang around the house, do some shopping, read, go to beach, whatever she hasn’t had time for. Have her help you out around the house. What about apartment hunting? Help her decorate her new apartment (another shopping excuse for me). It is not very likely she will have this opportunity again once she starts working.</p>
<p>I am going to ask this…What is it about her hanging out around the house that bothers you? Over the years, I have read parents don’t like hours their kids keep, too many friends over, messy, just generally being disruptive. Your daughter is an adult now, certainly you could set some ground rules for her to follow.</p>
<p>(OP, Don’t read this!)</p>
<p>Note to the daughter - Tell your parents you are working on a novel. Write an outline or a page or two and then, think about the plot every once in a while. That’s close enough. (It stresses some parents out to come home from work at the end of the day to a young adult who has been hanging around the house for the day.)</p>
<p>:D</p>
<p>OP–I noticed I have a tendency to do this also (can’t stand when they do “nothing”). I also know that I am a control freak. It is a good personality trait for some things but it drives “adult” children crazy! Is it possible you are a type A personality and she isn’t?Like others have stated, D obviously has it together. Give her this last bit of freedom before she enters the world of work.</p>
<p>I so agree with everyone, especially mtnmomma! I’m Type A but my son isn’t. Although he’s just an upcoming fall freshman, he’s much like your daughter (responsible, successful, does his chores, etc.) and likes to do nothing productive at home. I haven’t pressured him to do anything this coming summer as I know it will be his last free summer for many years as I fully expect him to be interning all future summers.</p>
<p>When my Type A kicks in, he says “Mom take a chill pill” (figuratively, not literally) and I get the message. He has earned his school breaks.</p>
<p>Press ‘Reset’ on your mindset and realize that this may be the last summer that she’s ‘all yours’. Remember those days when you wished you could hold her in your arms as an infant just once more? Fast forward and this is the same scenario. Enjoy the gift of TIME you have been given with her for it may never come again. Allow yourself to think of her summer as her ‘vacation’ at home that she has CHOSEN to spend with her family!</p>
<p>3rd person chiming in that S is graduating with no job prospects. Just got his 2nd interview (1st one last fall went nowhere). This one is in a field he’s not really interested in, that’s very cyclical and has a shaky future - the mortgage business. I started out in mortgages and left after 2 years, and had to start over from scratch. On top of that, this job doesn’t pay well and is 300 miles from home. I’m trying to be supportive and happy that at least he got an interview.</p>
<p>If my kid had a professional position in her field and was coming home for 3 free months I’d be dancing a jig and thinking of all the things I could ask her to do for me during the week (painting a room?) and the fun things we could do on the weekends, and be happy for the free time she’d have to share with her friends.</p>