Any tips for my personal statement?

<p>The prompt is,
"Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.</p>

<p>You may define experience broadly. An experience could be a meeting with an influential person, a news story that spurred you to
action, a family event, or something that might be insignificant to someone else that had particular meaning for you. If you
don’t think that any one experience shaped your character, don’t worry. Simply choose an experience that tells us something about you."</p>

<pre><code>Nearly every young man has some sort of bond with his first car. While this holds true for myself, I believe that my car is different. Lovingly referred to as Betty, “she” is much more than just a simple form of transportation. Through the years, the state of this car has proven to be unbelievably descriptive of the state of my own life.

During my childhood, I would be ecstatic to see her in passing. A friend of my mom's drove the car to work, and very early on, I knew that I needed it. Her owner made up nearly the entire I.T. department of a small paper company, and even today, the idea of doing something similar has never ceased to excite me. His car became the physical representation of my dreams for the future. When I have a goal in mind, I will do nearly anything to reach it, with this situation being no different. Before I was even in high school, I began to work. Mowing the lawns of my street raised enough money to begin, and advertise for, my neighborhood computer repair service. By the time sophomore year rolled around, I was finally on my way to making my dreams a reality.

I purchased Betty on a bright, summer afternoon, but soon figured out that such a decision does not come without challenges of its own. Owning an old car requires work, as does setting yourself up for a successful future. A countless amount of hours were spent staying up late at night trying to balance keeping my car in respectable shape, along with doing the same for myself. Soon enough, that began to crumble. Not long after her graduation, my sister left for the University of Washington. Through the crack in the kitchen door, I later learned that my dad was in serious danger of losing his job. Both parents began to work as many hours as possible, while I was busy with school, work, and clubs. We were given a severe lack of time at home together. Step by step, our once lively, inviting house seemed to become abandoned.

Like the various rubber grommets and hoses hidden under the hood, my relationships with family deteriorated rapidly due to a lack of attention and care. My car began to go uncared for. She was still running, but just barely. I was in survival mode, and as long as I made it through the day, and back home safely, I was content. There was no time to take care of either one of us. While I knew that internally, my car was suffering, an incredible amount of effort was put into making everyone think otherwise. Infected with a false notion of self-reliance, I did not seek help from anyone. I thought I could handle my issues, with both my car, and my life. Break-downs became more and more common, with me stuck on the side of life's roads on a near-daily basis. My school attendance began to suffer, with my grades following soon after. Regardless of the cause, vehicular or personal, I hid my problems to the outside world. I was embarrassed by the thought of those around me knowing that everything was, in fact, not quite as perfect as they may have seemed on the surface. Inevitably, the paint started to dull. My car soon began to fall apart in the same way that my life seemed to be, and people began to notice.

Instead of being made fun of, however, I was met with understanding and concern. To my surprise, I learned that people have a tendency to want to help others with their problems, regardless of whether they involve something as simple as a car, complicated as life, or anything in-between. When owning a car, keeping up on your service intervals, or periods of time to perform maintenance, is vital. I have adopted this idea to my own life to keep it running smoothly. Owning a car has taught me more about myself than anyone could ever expect. My car is different.
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<p>I am not entirely happy with the response so far, but in order to stand out, I was trying for a more creative take. </p>

<p>I believe that my writing is decent, but the content is not quite there. I am also not quite sure if I am even answering the prompt.</p>

<p>Any tips or criticism?</p>

<p>“When I have a goal in mind I will do nearly anything to achieve it” scratch the nearly anything and say something along the lines of hard honest work rather than anything.</p>

<p>Other than that, your essay is really good and I really enjoyed reading it. For a first draft, I like the creative concept. Don’t be so hard on yourself!</p>

<p>Right. A college probably doesn’t want to accept someone that would resort to murder to get what they want…</p>

<p>Thank you for the advice!</p>