<p>Oh, how I wish I could direct her to this thread, as there have been so many helpful responses…but, alas I can’t. But, you have been helpful to me and I appreciate it.</p>
<p>We are with you as parents! Thanks for letting us talk about this subject. So much happens to these kids once they are in college that this forum continues to be so very helpful beyond the application process.</p>
<p>Best wishes to you and your D. I just talked to my D in her “new” house; her younger sister gave her a “Fur-Real” cat as a birthday present, since she can’t have one and misses ours so much, and it’s been a great ice-breaker: naming it, playing with it, etc. I suggested she move it around the house like a real cat - sleeping in people’s laundry, perching on their bookshelves, etc. I think they’ll have a good laugh about that.</p>
<p>I hope your D and her roommates work out OK this year. However, I wonder why she chose to share apartment with 3 people? Would it be easier to manage if she has only 1 roommate?</p>
<p>When I shared apartments significant others often spent significant amounts of time and we did not make a big deal of it. A week of spring break was not uncommon. But I do agree an interfering Mom would be hard to take. </p>
<p>I see a combination of your daughter being overly picky, and not communicating expectations, and especially not communicating expectations ahead of time.</p>
<p>OP, copy posts from this thread and email them to her. Kids will listen to other people when they will not listen to their mothers.</p>
<p>You have to pick your battles. If something that a roommate is doing particularly bothers you, you need to speak up. If something that a roommate is doing is inconsiderate but doesn’t interfere with your life much, you may want to keep quiet about it.</p>
<p>One of my kids shared an apartment with people who cooked extensively and left dishes in the sink for days. My kid rarely used the kitchen, and although the situation was unpleasant, it didn’t seem worth making a fuss about because it didn’t interfere with day-to-day life. </p>
<p>On the other hand, my other kid shared an apartment with someone who had a guest stay for prolonged periods of time, during which time the guest slept on the living room couch. This irritated the other occupants of the apartment because they could not use the living room when the guest was asleep. After a few weeks, someone did speak up, and the situation was corrected.</p>
<p>In both cases, though, all of the individuals involved were reasonable people. Messiness in common areas and guests who outstay their welcome are fairly common issues that happen even in good roommate situations. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with the urine-on the furniture situation, though – it’s so outside the norms of civilized behavior.</p>
<p>I will say that my kids have lived both with friends and with strangers. Mild roommate issues have arisen in both situations. I don’t know which is better. Also, visiting parents are MUCH more intrusive than someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend (in apartments where everyone has their own bedroom). Young people feel a need to be on their best behavior with parents; they generally couldn’t care less what their roommate’s boyfriend or girlfriend thinks of them. The boyfriend or girlfriend becomes a problem only if there are already a lot of people sharing the bathroom or kitchen, and the addition of one more makes it hard for people to get access to these facilities.</p>
<p>During part of my freshman year my roommate’s boyfriend would stay in the dorm on a number of weekends (he lived three hours away). I would stay in another friend’s dorm during those weekends and I wasn’t very pleased with that. While I was “living” down the hall the boyfriend would mess with my stereo and adjust everything, which I got tired of fast. Every time I tried to talk to my roommate about her boyfriend she would make excuses for him and felt I wasn’t understanding enough. They finally broke up around late Feb. Things got easier then, but I wasn’t really happy until I had my own place second half of sophomore year.</p>
<p>To OP – I don’t think that it was appropriate for your d’s roommate’s mother to stay more than 1 or 2 nights, nor for the boyfriend to visit for longer … but I also don’t think its appropriate for the parent of a college junior to be involved beyond the level of a sympathetic ear while the kid vents. This is one of those issues that your d. needs to work out for herself, or in concert with the other roommates, to agree on house rules. </p>
<p>I would note that I stayed with my d. in her dorm rooms while she was at college, in NYC – there was no way that I could have afforded to stay in a NYC hotel. My d. also often hosted her bf or other friends. So there is not some firm rule one way or another about overnight guests – but it is something that roommates need to agree on in advance.</p>
<p>I don’t know whether your d. is shy about confronting her roommates with these issues, or if she has just had the bad luck to live with inconsiderate people who ignore her objections – but again, at this point, its a life skill issue that your d. will need to figure out on her own. So my ultimate advice is – listen sympathetically, saying things like “oh, that’s terrible!” or “I can see why you’re upset!” while she talks to you… but don’t try to solve the problems for her and don’t offer advice, at least not unless your d. very clearly and specifically asks for it.</p>
<p>^^^I’m not sure I agree with offering no advice. D needs some skills in how to handle such situations. Mom can’t solve them but can offer some input of how one may go about solving such things. In fact, gadad’s post #13 would be good strategies to pass onto D.</p>
<p>What a nightmare! This is why we were willing to pay for our son to have a single apartment in his off-campus housing. (he has roommates in boarding school and all of them worked out pretty well, miraculously) Freshman year in college he had a dorm single (about as big as a utility closet, but at least no roommate). Soph year 1st semester he was in a slum row house with his own room but 8 housemates who were all pigs. He couldn’t stand it- especially after his laptop was stolen from his room right before finals (not by a housemate). After that we sprung for no-roommate housing. It simply worked better for him. Now that he is in his new city/job he would love to have a roommate for a 2BR/2Bath in his complex because it saves a TON of money, but he needs to meet the right person. He said the roommate nightmare stories from his college were more frequent than situations that actually worked out. I actually think the situations like the OP’s daughter has experienced, where there is more than one roommate, have much greater potential for disaster. Even if you choose carefully, someone gets a boyfriend, or someone goes abroad and sublets to a pig…</p>
<p>mfc, your daughter underwent some “learnable” moments through her years in college. It’s learning how to handle stress situations, through one’s own wits, that should have made her a stronger person as the years pass. Stand up for your own right and where was the RA (resident adviser) in all of these situations, particularly the party gone wild, urine on my mattress incident. There are grievance procedures in all of these while your daughter was still in campus housing, off campus is another story and you have to fend for yourself. College is a sink or swim experience, in all aspects of it. Her junior year may have started a bit rocky but there’s still a full year ahead and her senior year, better times ahead.</p>
<p>Well, for all you interested, she made the attempt to speak with her roommate, and it went poorly. Basically, when she explained to roommate how she felt about the mom staying for a week and the boyfriend arriving for a week, she was told by roommate that it is her apartment too, and regardless of how daughter feels about it, she sees no problem with it, and boyfriend will arrive tomorrow for the next week. So, there you go.</p>
<p>The other two roommates were not part of the conversation and daughter feels they don’t have as big a problem with it, as they are not saying much.</p>
<p>Now what? Guess she didn’t know roommate as well as she thought she did. I told her to try and keep the lines of communication open and to try again to discuss it with all four of them present…She feels she is being disregarded and she is the one with the problem, and so she in turn attempt to put aside her feelings as being unreasonable, once again, I fear.</p>
<p>Oh well, I have said what I can say, and I will continue to listen. But, I still go back to my original reason for this post…I truly see all these issues as inconsiderate and issues of common courtesy, which many kids these days generally seem to be lacking.</p>
<p>Is it possible for your D to back out and find new roommate or a single room now? It does not seem very good with the current situation.</p>
<p>Was just having that discussion with hubby…Don’t know. I guess if she could find someone to take her place on the year’s lease…Maybe, as much as she was looking forward to sharing the apartment with her friend this year, it’s not going to work out the way she hoped. Perhaps a single is better for her…We will see what happens from here forward, I guess, and suggest that to her if the situation worsens.</p>
<p>How the lease was signed? Did the landlord ask a separate lease agreement from each roommate?</p>
<p>You bailed her out few times already. What she is dealing with here is not the worst roommate situation. I would suggest for her to try to figure it out herself. There are number of things she could do to make her situation better, and having mom and dad get her new place would be at the bottom of my list.</p>
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<p>Well, again - this is your daughter’s problem and she will have to figure things out on her own – but when Person A communicates to Person B, and Person B doesn’t respond in the way that Person A wants, that means that A needs to look inward and improve her communication skills. It’s not a matter of being “right” – its a matter of figuring out the best and most effective or persuasive way of communicating one’s needs or point of view. No person has the power or ability to change another, but we each have the ability to modify and refine our own approach. </p>
<p>There are dozens of books written about communication within relationships – how to talk so others will listen – and your daughter’s track record with roommates might be an indication that she is not communicating in an effective manner. Maybe she is too polite, and fails to get the message across; or maybe she is too forthright, and leaves the others feeling defensive and angry. Maybe her body language says something other than her words. I don’t know, because I don’t know your daughter – but the point is that when there is a disagreement between two roommates that should not be viewed as the end of any meaningful discussion, nor should it be viewed as some harbinger for trouble all year long. Obviously there is a need for all 4 roommates to discuss some agreed household rules. I would suggest that your d. take a look at the written terms of the lease, as well – most leases have some sort of limitation on the length of stay of “guests”. </p>
<p>Or maybe there is a compromise that will work well for the roomies, and also accommodate guests, depending on the physical layout of the apartment and available bedding.</p>
<p>A thought about the urine-soaked bedding: If there was ever a good occasion to completely fly off the handle, that was it. Your daughter should have left her roommate cowering in fear for her life over this. It’s not an occasion to be diplomatic and have a talk about respecting personal space. When you’ve got someone else’s pee in your bed, the time for talking is long gone. I guarantee that if your daughter’s roommate honestly believed that your daughter just might be completely psycho and capable of making her life a living hell over this, it wouldn’t happen again. (This can be accomplished without explicitly threatening violence. It’s a good skill to develop for those rare occasions when someone thinks it’s okay to empty their bladder where you sleep.)</p>
<p>The mom is a bit weird, but I don’t know of any dorm suite where boyfriends are not constantly present and someone’s friend isn’t sleeping on the couch more often than not. This is the norm. It sounds like your DD needs a single, it’s unlikely she’ll find a group that operates differently.</p>
<p>Op’s daughter is not in a dorm. She is sharing an off campus apt with friends</p>