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My D has a roommate who just made an unusual request. Her roommate goes home every weekend, but my daughter stays on campus. So my D invited two of her friends who live in another dorm to come over to visit her last weekend. She usually hangs out with them in their dorm. Her friends didn't spend the night. They just came over to hang out and talk. This week, my Ds roommate told her that she didn't want anyone sitting on her bed or being in their dorm room when she's not there. This was never mentioned when they signed their roommate agreement at the beginning of the year. Doesn't this seem rather unreasonable?</p>
<p>My D would like to have a high school girlfriend spend the night in October when the two of them go to a concert on the weekend. She just assumes her roommate will say no, so she doesn't even want to ask her.
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<p>I originally posted this about a month ago. I wanted to give an update.</p>
<p>Up until now, my D has not invited anyone else over to their dorm room when her RM is not there on the weekends. However, this is the weekend that my Ds girlfriend was scheduled to spend the night. My D informed her RM about this over a month ago. She told her that her friend would sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. So, my D assumed everything was going to be fine. After returning from the concert, my D and her girlfriend came back to her room around 2 am to go to sleep. Much to her surprise, her RM was there. And she was with a boy! My D told her RM that they would hang out in the hall for awhile. She told me she wanted to give her RM some privacy. However, after about an hour of waiting, the two of them were still in her room. By now, it was 3 am. So, my D and her friend ended up sleeping in a friends room.</p>
<p>My D was caught completely off guard because her RM has gone home every weekend since school began. She left Friday night, but came back Saturday night with this guy. She never mentioned her plans to have a guy spend the night to my D. I dont believe this is a coincidence. I think that her RM planned to do this because she didnt want my D to have a friend spend the night in their room. I thought it was very thoughtful of my D to want to give her RM some privacy. However, her RM knew they wanted to go to sleep. The considerate thing would have been for her to ask her male visitor to leave after my D had been waiting in the hall for an hour. But nooooo, she didnt do that.</p>
<p>Your D got the short end of the luck of the draw in getting this roommate unfortunately. </p>
<p>Your D had a choice to have her friend stay there anyway or capitulate and go stay elsewhere. She chose the latter.</p>
<p>As long as your D allows this roommate to take advantage of her, it’ll most likely continue like this.</p>
<p>Other than being assertive enough to make sure she’s not taken advantage of, your D may want to check to see if there are any transfer options for her to go be a roommate with someone else.</p>
<p>Your daughter needs to develop some assertiveness skills, because life as a throw rug is going to get pretty demoralizing. Roommate travails are not a whole lot different than the kinds of situation she’ll face in group project, lab assignments, or later in the work force. Learning to work with challenging people is part of the game. It is unfortunate that her roommate is being so difficult, but that’s the hand she was dealt.</p>
<p>I don’t think that giving up and asking for a move is a good idea.</p>
<p>I agree with Counting Down. This girl is playing your daughter…pushing her to see how far she can push. Time for your daughter to put her foot down. It’s difficult for some people to stand up for themselves, if your daughter needs coaching have her talk to the RA…now. It’s not going to change until your D changes it.</p>
No, it wasn’t thoughtful. Rather, she lost the game the RM was playing. She should have just barged in. If she can’t bring herself to do that, she will have to involve the RA. The RM is not going to change her ways without pressure.</p>
<p>Many colleges seem to have “roommate contracts” now that the two students complete at the beginning of the year - agreeing to issues like music, guests, quiet time, etc. I’m guessing this college does not use this process? I vote for a 3-way sit down with the 2 roommates and the RA to hash out some of these issues. Your daughter needs to understand that you have paid for her half of this room and she is entitled to use it. It doesn’t look like she and her roommate are going to be friends - that’s fine - they just need to peacefully coexist - and that includes your daughter’s right to use her room.</p>
<p>Roommate has no right to spring a last minute make guest on your daughter and expect her to sleep elsewhere - particularly when she does not want your daughter having a guest in the room when she is away! This is very out of balance. Arabrab made very good points about the skill of standing up for oneself and how it will be vital at many points in the future - this is the time to develop that skill! I hope she arranges a meeting with the roommate and the RA soon and they work through some of these issues or it is going to be a miserable year.</p>
<p>“I thought it was very thoughtful of my D to want to give her RM some privacy”</p>
<p>There is no being “thoughtful” with a person such as this roommate. Things will not get better unless your daughter stands up for herself ASAP! Your daughter should speak with her RA as well as housing to see what her options are and to weigh the option of staying with this roommate. Sounds like things are shaping up to have conflict on & off during the year.</p>
<p>UMD…I understand and can totally see my daughters being in this situation. Your daughter has bent over backwards up to this point to not ‘rock the boat’. But it is clear that the RM has taken advantage of your daughter. I would advise her to either 1) Meet with her RM and an RA to ‘discuss’ the issues, or 2) To go about her own life without seeking the approval of her roommate, or both.</p>
<p>D and her RM signed a roommate agreement the first week they moved in. She said the issue of having male overnight guests did not come up when they were discussing the agreement. I asked if they could amend their agreement to include this and she said yes. I suspect that this will not be the last time that her RM tries this trick again. I suggested to my D that she and her RM need to discuss this matter. I told her that she might want to allow her RM a few hours of “privacy,” but she shouldn’t be expected to stay in a friend’s room overnight.</p>
<p>Does anyone else think it was a deliberate act by her RM to have this boy stay the night on the exact night that my D was planning to have her girlfriend stay overnight?</p>
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<p>I think the RM made up the whole germaphobe excuse.</p>
<p>“Does anyone else think it was a deliberate act by her RM to have this boy stay the night on the exact night that my D was planning to have her girlfriend stay overnight?”</p>
<p>It’s possible, maybe even likely, but not really relevant. If I were your D, I’d just make sure RM did not step on any more toes. Doesn’t really matter the motivation and will never really know. RM was out of line.</p>
<p>This girl is taking up way too much space in your daughter’s (and maybe your) head. She does not deserve the honor of such prominence in your family’s life. In the big scheme of life she holds no importance whatsoever. </p>
<p>IMHO, there is no way to “win” this game of passive aggressive dorm room chess. Your daughter should have a little chat with her RA. Ask her to moderate a meeting between the room mates. Your daughter needs to clear the air with the presence of a neutral third party. It is entirely possible that the room mate has a viewpoint of all of this that your daughter hasn’t considered. If that doesn’t lead to a better mutual understanding then your daughter should request a room change for the next available room. After a certain point it just isn’t worth trying to make a lousy situation work.</p>
<p>I agree with Kajon. Your daughter is just way too nice and far too accommodating. This roommate is awful from the get-go. She knew which night your daughter was having a friend come visit and made it a point to invite her BF. Up 'til now, the roommate has gone away most weekends, but this one weekend–when your daughter forewarned her–Rotten Roomie brings her BF!!! And then he won’t leave? What. is. her. problem??</p>
<p>I don’t think I could honestly do this myself, but I’d love it if your daughter could kinda muss up her roommate’s bed next weekend and then coyly say she had a few guests and say oh-so-innocently, “I hope that’s okay.”</p>
<p>umd - yes, I believe it was a deliberate act. As Freud, or Jung, or someone said - “there are no accidents” - or at least, very few real ones. To be generous, maybe it was somewhat subconscious by the RM, but I doubt that. To be generous again, maybe the RM is truly and irrationally afraid of your D’s visiting friends and that’s why she planned the boy’s visit to supplant that, but once more, I doubt that.</p>
<p>Just to prepare you: when D goes to the RA, the RM will say that she would have asked the boy to leave if your D had said something, and she had no idea your D was waiting for him to leave, etc., etc., etc. Your D will probably have to press the issue at the time it’s occurring.</p>
<p>OP, my suggestion is to tell your D to handle it and then step away. She needs to stand on her own two feet without Mommy’s help. </p>
<p>I can’t imagine my S even mentioning a roommate problem. He would just handle it. Your D needs to stand up for herself firmly and handle it like an adult.</p>