<p>I feel for your daughter, she has had her share of crappy roommates. I think she needs to stand firmly on what is acceptable and what is not. That is rediculous that her roommates mom stayed for a whole week. I could never imagine any college jr allowing this. It sounds like the mom treated this as her vacation in Ithaca. Where does the boyfriend attend school that he has a week to visit? Is he contributing in any way to the apartment. If he comes now for a week how many more weeks will he be coming? She needs to set the situation right.</p>
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A thought about the urine-soaked bedding: If there was ever a good occasion to completely fly off the handle, that was it. Your daughter should have left her roommate cowering in fear for her life over this. It’s not an occasion to be diplomatic and have a talk about respecting personal space. When you’ve got someone else’s pee in your bed, the time for talking is long gone.
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<p>Finally an enlightened response in this wilderness of politically correct claptrap.</p>
<p>In every human conflict you have the following choices at your disposal:</p>
<ol>
<li> Talk (Set boundaries and expectations)</li>
<li> Run (Avoid the conflict all together)</li>
<li> Strike (Lay down the law with no equivocations)</li>
<li> Wrestle (Struggle over who is right and wrong)</li>
</ol>
<p>How you communicate this escalation of responses depends on your culture and language.</p>
<p>I would be very disappointed to learn that my child would not insist that the offending room mate did not personally launder the sheet, pillow, pillow case, bed spread, mattress pad, etc. But that is a conversation I will never have.</p>
<p>I think I would have gone and ****ed on the roommate’s bed!</p>
<p>Thanks everybody for your thoughts, suggestions, and input. It has been helpful, and I am ready to let this thread and postings fade out…Alot of good advice there!</p>
<p>I would have made the roommate swap her mattress for the urine-soaked one…</p>
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Completely agree.</p>
<p>My S’s RM threw something down in a frustrated rage. The item ricocheted up smashed my S’s computer screen. Because it was not intentional, we split the cost of repair. But the RM did not offer to pay. My S asked strongly, (i.e. demanded ) it.</p>
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<p>Not necessarily true. My D is living in NYC right now with 2 apartment mates. They are living in an apartment that costs between $4000-$5000 a month! My D said she is the only one that cleans the kitchen, the one of two bathrooms they have, takes out the garbage and recycling…She has talked to the apartment mates about this. </p>
<p>I was there a few days ago, dropping my D off after her being away for 5 or so days. The apartment was not clean by my D’s (or mine) standards. </p>
<p>This is a luxury apartment rented by three professional women. But everyone has their own way of living. My D will most likely do what she did in college living in an apartment w/ RM’s-- pay someone to clean the place. She “told” everyone they had to contribute or do the cleaning. She’ll probably do the same thing in her NYC apartment.</p>
<p>She has also concluded, she needs to live alone.</p>
<p>D1 said her roomies wanted to be able to have their BFs spend the night. D1 is not comfortable with this and I agree…however, she is trying to pick her battles. I told her that there should be a rule that whoever has an overnight guest has to clean the bathroom. (Boys can be messy). When she mentioned this, the girls didn’t seem as excited to have their guests stay afterall.</p>
<p>You know, it occurs to me that it’s a bit too easy to think that this is all the daughter’s problem. We have societies so that people conform to some social norms. These people are way out of those boundaries. It’s not you.</p>
<p>One thing we at CC could do is create a list of common questions to ask before entering into a shared apartment agreement - like no boyfriends visiting, for example, no urine on roomie’s mattress or you’ll replace it, etc.</p>
<p>I’m happy for those of you who think you can just talk some of these things out. I’ve known people who are simply unreasonable, selfish and unyielding, and no communication approach would make them otherwise.</p>
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<p>I find it horrific that someone actually has to be told not to urinate in someone else’s bed. Seriously, how could anyone get past the age of three without learning this obscure point of social etiquette? You might as well include on that list: “No pouring kerosene on your roommate and setting her on fire while she’s sleeping” and “no giving away the apartment’s address and copies of the apartment’s key to escaped sex offenders” and “no filling the communal bathtub with radioactive waste”.</p>
<p>Seriously, what kind of deranged whackjobs are these people?</p>
<p>Hey, what’s great about therapy is that you get to hear your problems from the other person’s perspective (or at least an alternative perspective.)</p>
<p>Mom only hears daughters version. Mom likely has a 19 year history of hearing D’s version so she’s unable to fathom the other side of the story. D has become comfortable with Mom hearing about what’s gone wrong, vs. investing that time and energy in fixing her problems. Parents would rather spend an extra $1200 for an inconveniently located single apartment than help teach D to cope with a roommate who is inconsiderate.</p>
<p>I am also conflict averse. But it would have been a cold day in ^&* before my parents spent a nickle on a new dorm room unless my roommate was an axe murderer with a prior conviction.</p>
<p>Do you know how your D’s roommates perceive HER actions? Maybe the mom moved in to help her D cope with your D’s passive/aggressive behavior. Maybe the BF is there to provide a buffer to help the roommate deal with your D. You just don’t know. What you know is that your D has had sub-optimal living situations once she’s moved to college and seems unable or unwilling to fix them without your intervention.</p>
<p>That would concern me more than the overnight guests or the skyping. Your D will one day be married to someone or be in a long term relationship with someone who also has obnoxious habits or can be inconsiderate. It is a good life’s lesson to be able to tell a boss, “do you mind knocking when you come into my office?” or to be able to tell an office-mate, “I am happy that you like the snacks I keep in my desk. Let’s trade off- one month I’ll bring the candy and the granola bars, and next month you’ll bring the candy and bars. And if it’s too much trouble for you to shop, please give me $20 every Friday and I’ll be happy to take care of your share.”</p>
<p>Your D may end up with a spouse who is a fabulous soul mate but a terrible roommate. So the skills she learns now are going to be essential in helping her transition to a successful adulthood.</p>