<p>Yes, Keeping his grades up is so important. One of S2’s best friends went to a small LAC where he was recruited to play football. He was very unhappy from the very beginning. He even contacted a big state u. that he had been accepted to as a h.s. senior to get info about transferring. His parents paid no attention and told him it would prob. get better in the spring and that he needed to finish the yr. at the LAC.</p>
<p>He was not happy in the spring and sort of gave up. By the end of Spring sem., his gpa was too low to transfer anywhere and he was totally disenchanted with college.<br>
He came home, went to CC, dropped out, did odd jobs but nothing permanent.<br>
He is now attending a CC in a college town four hours from home. He’s doing a two yr. trade program because he says that reg. college just isn’t for him anymore. This kid was a pretty decent h.s. student whose parents are both teachers. They never dreamed things would turn out this way. My S2 thinks his friend would still be in a four yr. sch. if his parents had consented/supported his exploring transfer options</p>
<p>abasket, my D’s biggest problem with her long-distance BF is that he is texting her constantly. He’s not a generally “needy” guy, but I think he’s having trouble with this adjustment and leaning on her too much. Then he gets upset if she doesn’t text him back right away (unless she’s in class). She’s tried to explain that if she’s at a party or meeting new people it’s rude to be texting all the time. The last time she talked to me about it, she was trying to “wean” him off of texting so much and encourage a nightly phone call/Skype instead. I don’t know how successful she’s been - but I do suspect some of his trouble connecting at his college might be because he’s constantly texting D, instead of focusing on connecting with kids on his floor. Perhaps your S is doing a bit of this as well.</p>
<p>(Kind of ironic - the shoe is definitely on the other foot now! In hs, BF had a lot more friends than D, and he was always struggling to balance time with his friends and time with D - and she was the one feeling jealous and left out/taken for granted.)</p>
<p>One of my concerns when S was looking at LACs is that most that we looked at were in small towns and he grew up in a city. I kept thinking of the daughter of a friend who had gone to one of those colleges and although she said that she loved the school, she hated the town and transferred to Pitt where she graduated magna cum laude. I just ran into her at the library two days ago and now she admits that her big problem with the school was not the small town–she had left her boyfriend at home.</p>
<p>Honestly, I think some kids need a dose of real-world perspective. The OP’s S is away at college, making him an extremely lucky young man. He’s not in Afghanistan, or working at a minimum-wage job, or supporting a family, or unemployed trying desperately to find work, or in jail, or stuck in any of the other really terrible scenarios that could befall a young man these days. He is upset because his roommate’s brother gets drunk and spends the night on the floor? Or the roommate goes to bed at 10:30? These are not nightmare roommate scenarios by any stretch of the imagination.
These kids whose parents are giving them this very generous gift of a full college experience should consider themselves lucky.
One of my D’s friends is upset because her parents are ‘forcing’ her to live in the dorms all four years. This is at UC Santa Barbara, where the dorms have ocean views. I told her the friend should be grateful that her parents are fully paying for her college education. If the friend wants to live in Isla Vista and be in the middle of all the wild parties, she could refuse to accept their money and pay for her own college education.</p>
<p>I know it isn’t easy to move away from home for the first time, and maybe this young man isn’t ready. But many 18-year-olds have a lot harder transitions, such as boot camp or unplanned fatherhood. He’s very, very fortunate, but maybe he just can’t see it. He could become a Big Brother or something to see how hard some kids have it, and get out of his bubble.</p>
<p>Lafalum, are you sure your D’s BF isn’t my son?!!! :)</p>
<p>Tptshorty, yes, there is always something worse than the problems we face. Someone is always going to be in a worse situation. But that doesn’t mean we have to settle for less than desired lifestyle.</p>
<p>S has not had a silver spoon in his mouth for 18 years. He has worked very hard to excel at school, sports and in life thru HS. He is smart, but because of studying. He was popular in HS because he is an easygoing, caring, upbeat person. He has always been one to help others and is compassionate. He values and practices his faith. </p>
<p>None the less, now he is struggling. He wants to succeed. He wants to be happy. He wants to have friends! He wants to have a good time when he is at home and when he is at school. He is being responsible in every other way so far this college year w/ classes and such.</p>
<p>It sounds like your son is an awesome kid, and I’m sure he will be fine. I would suggest just relaxing about the whole thing. It seems as though he is only struggling socially. Friendships take time. That’s why it is not a bad idea to join a fraternity, or some other organized social group. He may think that is not his scene, but not all of them revolve around constant drinking. I don’t know you or him, but you seem to be in very close contact. It might be helpful to back off a little, give him more space and let him figure things out. Their moods and experiences can change by the hour, and we parents don’t need to see or hear about every moment.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this isn’t necessarily bad stuff he is going through. He is struggling because what he is doing (reinventing himself) is difficult, and he is growing though these struggles. He is taking his first steps to becoming an independent adult, and it isn’t always easy, and it isn’t always fun. Some kids manage the transition better than others. Learning to spend time alone is an important skill, as are getting along with people different than you and putting up with their bad habits.</p>
<p>Just got back from parents’ weekend with my son who is also struggling. We had some great talks about what was and wasn’t working for him and what he could do to improve things. It came down to the fact that he may not be in the right place for him. He is probably going to transfer at the semester to a college back in our town (he is now 3 hours away). </p>
<p>There is also a GF involved in this scenario, she may end up transferring to the same school. I think had they both been happy in their choices, they wouldn’t be leaning on each other so much. They may or may not end up together long term, but for now I’m happy that he has her as part of his support system.</p>
<p>Mamakin, are you ok with that? Do you think the GF is a primary or secondary reason for the school not working out?</p>
<p>S and his GF have been together 8 months. We don’t want him making decisions based on that relationship. I tell him that if they have a future, he/she needs a future. H would not support a move to the same school as GF - especially since that school was a safety for him, but a bottom choice. </p>
<p>Mamakin, I hope that things work out for your S whatever the decision might be.</p>
<p>I think the GF situation is secondary for my son. The transfer school is a safety for my son also, but should be fine. I think he will just be happier there, even if she does not decide to go there also. And when he is happier, he focuses better on what he needs to get done. I’m rooting for you and your son abasket and appreciate having this thread for support.</p>
<p>It’s funny - it’s easy to go back and forth in my mind - sometimes it’s “it’s early, give it time, it’s a challenge but he’ll learn from it and be stronger to try and stick it out and give it time, etc. - don’t give in!!” and other times, “he shouldn’t have to be sad, we really screwed up!”</p>
<p>I def lean towards the first - but sometimes, in the midst of a phone call from him on a Saturday night with nothing to do, it’s easy to lean towards the second!</p>
<p>Today was a good day for him school wise. He talks about taking a leadership role in a couple of group projects he’s working on - that IS who he is or always has been - the leader! I admit he seems to be more upbeat and all when he knows there is a trip home coming at the end of the week. </p>
<p>(btw, I didn’t mean to take over the thread in anyway - please feel free to post if you have a similar situation! Picklemom I’m wondering about your D…)</p>
<p>My kid stuck it out for 2 years, but the tone of the calls got pretty frantic and finally frightening toward the end of the 2nd year. She was depressed and going to counseling.</p>
<p>This summer, AFTER she returned from an internship across the country, she finally informed me that she did not want to return to the school, but would like to transfer. Keep in mind, at this point, we are blowing off a full ride, including books, room, board and fees.</p>
<p>Her happiness, sanity and peace of mind were much more important</p>
<p>After more scrambling than I would ever like to go through again, she got admitted and enrolled into her transfer school of choice and is quite happy. I think I was more invested in her going away and growing, than she was. She is back at home, attending the new school full time and is happier than she has been in two years ( those were the 2 years she was away from home).</p>
<p>I guess what I am saying is, don’t panic yet, but continue to listen and watch. Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking for your child.</p>
<p>abasket, my D tells me her BF is in a much better mood this week. He went camping over the weekend with an organization from his college, and really appreciated getting outdoors and away from campus. </p>
<p>(Sidenote- he couldn’t take his cell phone on the camping trip, and so was out of texting contact with D for two days - and they survived. :p)</p>
<p>Another thought for those whose kids are really homesick - is the homesick kid the oldest in the family? </p>
<p>My daughter has told us, “No offense, but I’m not homesick at all.” But she’s the youngest in our family, and for her last 3 years at home her older brother was away at college, so she was already used to not having him around. But her roommate is the oldest of 4, and I think roomie really misses her younger siblings.</p>
<p>My S is middle of 3. His older sister is a college senior but is only about 75 minutes from home. I can see my youngest saying the same thing your D has lafalum, just because by the time it’s her turn, she will be anxious for her turn!</p>
<p>Karen Colleges, my mom has always said, “When my children bruise, I bleed.” True words, indeed.</p>
<p>For those of you whose children want to be part of a local faith community, but lack the transportation to get there, try calling the church/temple office to see if there are any members who would be willing to pick your child up at school and get him/her to and from services. A friend of mine did that for years and met a lot of nice college students.</p>
<p>hi everyone… i am sorry i have not been in touch…</p>
<p>things are pretty much the same for my D… she is getting involved in activities… but is still having a hard time making connections… a lot of alone time during weekends and a lot of meals by herself.</p>
<p>she is afraid that she will look desperate if she continues to seek people out… since they dont seem to reciprocate… </p>
<p>this whole parenting thing is so exhausting at times…you would think after 18 yrs i would be use to it.</p>
<p>Picklemom: I’m so sorry that your daughter is still having a difficult time. My niece, who is very outgoing and bubbly, had a hard time making friends her first semester and often ate alone. She was involved in a lot of activities and did make some close friends second semester of sophomore year. I know how hard it is on a mother when her child is unhappy. Hang in there.</p>