<p>Sorry to say… this is not necessarily a situation that ends once you acclimate to college, there is another transition if and when you go to grad school and then after grad school settling in to a job, beginning a career and another set of people move or you move away. I always tell my daughters that you have to enjoy your own company and you always meet new people, but it is hard. My older d has finished grad school and has a teaching position and a job in her field and an art studio to do her work in, but not a group of friends where she now lives-random friends yes, but not an entire circle of connected people with one another and that is pretty lonely especially after a long day of work, plus a boyfriend in grad school in another city. My younger d lives with two friends and a boyfriend who lives nearby but she too misses that group of her college friends, many in different cities or in grad school in different cities or even those here in the same city including her with different work schedules and days off. Yes grad school and jobs take up a lot of time… but it is different time-for the first time no papers to write or projects to complete… so that is an adjustment in itself and missing the whole being in college experience.</p>
<p>Thanks for the update (or “no update” 
) Picklemom. </p>
<p>Things pretty much the same on our end though I was encouraged this weekend when son was home for fall break and he mentioned on his own a plan he was thinking in his head for roommates next year - I was THRILLED he was even looking ahead to next year at his school and planning for his schedule for second semester!!!</p>
<p>I have also decided (this week anyway I’m TRYING!) to continue to try and be supportive during our phonecalls but to really look to see things in a “glass half full” way. This morning he “complained” about having a boatload of work - I told him that college IS about a lot of work and some fun and that it says a lot about his motivation to work hard and do things right that will be a + for him in life. When he told me he had had a long phone call from GF this morning because she is stressed about 2nd semester scheduling and looking to him to help/guide her, he said that after awhile he told her she should talk to her two older sisters who graduated not long ago from her school - so, in other words, he didn’t get consumed with it and he sort of “passed” the problem on. </p>
<p>Check back this weekend though. THAT’S when things seem to be the toughest!!!</p>
<p>Picklemom: I’m so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. My own freshman daughter is also struggling, although in a different way. She has become friends with some really nice girls in her dorm, and feels close to several of them. She is involved in activities related to her animal science major and has made some casual friendships throught that also. But…she is still quite homesick (four hours from home so we see her maybe every month) and anxious in general, which isn’t like her usual mode. Every little thing upsets her. She has never liked change, and this is obviously a big one. We are supportive by phone and email, try to focus on the positive, etc. I am urging her to seek out her college counseling service because they have experience at helping freshmen through what can be a rocky transition. I hope she’ll go. Has your daughter considered trying that?</p>
<p>I should add that my daughter has a roomie, and feels the lack of alone time alot. She never shared a room before as she is also an only.</p>
<p>The stories here make me so sad for you moms who are hurting for your kids. I cannot imagine how it must feel to know your child is unhappy and lonely. I will say that sites like this one and even talking to the parents of our kids’ friends can make it seem like every kid is supposed to go to his or her “perfect match” school, makes friends for a lifetime, and slide into adulthood unscathed. For me, if my child’s school was not working out for her, and she gave it serious effort, I would not hesitate to say, “Let’s see what other options you have out there.” I don’t think there’s any shame or failure in switching schools, coming home to attend college near by, etc. There is no virtue in “sticking with” a miserable situation when there are other options out there. I think the better lesson here for at least some of these kids would be to find other, better college choices than to prove one’s mettle in living unhappily.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s heartbreaking, but you have to let her get through it herself. Offer yourself as a source of comfort, but also encouragement and advice. She’s bound to have to permanently leave the nest at some point and deal with the real world.</p>
<p>Still not happy at school. </p>
<p>Just curious, are any of your overwhelmed kids taking a ton of units? We were advised to have kids take a light load-- but D is taking 19 units! She won’t drop anything, but I can’t help but wonder what the advisor who helped her register at orientation was thinking.</p>
<p>“We were advised to have kids take a light load” She is taking 19 units. I doubt the advisor pushed her to take 19 units. Sometimes you have to make your own decisions and live by them without looking for scapegoats. Few advisors will overrule the wishes of the student.</p>
<p>Our D is taking 18 credits, and she has her moments, but on a whole she has settled in. I think the advisor might have felt that it s better to take the heavier course load, because lighter course loads could have the same effect on the child…hours of boredom and less chance of connecting with other students.</p>
<p>I also think a lot has to do with the child order. Our DS is the eldest and his school is about 70 miles away. As a freshman we saw him about 1x a month for his 1st semester. By spring semester we saw him only for spring break.</p>
<p>Our DD is number 2, so for her she has seen that this is just a part of the process. She wanted to come home for a couple of weeks and I let it just rest when she brought it up. I would say to her, if you want me to come and get you I will, but remember you chose a school 4 hours away, that means you really will only be home for Sat. She finally did come home for Columbus day weekend because it was a long weekend. By Sunday she was happy to go back and be at school. All of the sudden she remembered that her younger brother is still a pain and while she was here, all of her hs friends were away at their colleges, so it really wasn’t all that she thought or imagined it would be.</p>
<p>My D is not homesick or miserable. On the contrary, she’s very happy at school and seems to be having a lot of fun–too much! Her transition difficulty seems to be with regard to finding a balance between her social life and her studies. She wants to be around people at night while studying, and says it’s too lonely in her room at the end of the hall. But when she tries to study in the dorm’s lounge or with other people, that ends up being inefficient. Her grades so far are not what they should be, yet she seems reluctant or even unwilling to make any adjustments. I’m afraid I might soon be posting on the “Game over!” thread! How can I help her?</p>
<p>I feel like we are all suffering from mid-termitis!!! Mid-term and feeling like some progress should be made or seeing that progress (in terms of classes/grades) is not being made!!</p>
<p>19 really seems like a heavy load. It’s not just a matter of having time for 19, but patience, time away from studying, etc. With that many hours, it would be easy to feel swallowed up in school work. </p>
<p>S was just going over his tentative schedule for next semester. He has 17 hours for sure and was thinking of adding an “easy” art class for 2 more which would = 19 (at his school, honors students get additional credit hour fees waived). I am encouraging him NOT to stretch that far - I’d rather see a part-time job in those extra hours, not more time in a classroom and work to do.</p>
<p>GFG…Tell her to go to the library. Lots of kids around but everyone focused on studying. Many libraries these days have coffee shops or other group areas where the kids take a break and can talk and socialize but the reason the kids are there is to study. Might help. S1 could never study in the dorm. S2 can, but if he really needs to concentrate he leaves the dorm and heads for the library.</p>
<p>I agree, with your last comment, also. For all the lonely kids they will find friends or they will transfer. Count your blessings as parents you aren’t posting a “game over” thread.</p>
<p>TheGFG some school’s through the counseling office have sessions on time management. Maybe your D would benefit/accept help from “not a parent” to help her look at her schedule and map out a plan to include classes first, homework second and fun time third.</p>
<p>D has some sort of mentoring class for athletes, where an older student athlete meets with them. I was hoping that there she would hear non-judgmental advice she could listen to from a peer.</p>
<p>I think she worked super hard in high school and often felt like “the only one who…” fill in the blank: has to work so hard, has to do so much homework, can’t go somewhere because of her sport, has such mean parents, etc. While she was definitely self-motivated, I think she liked when I served as her policeman. Now I’m not there to do it, and she hasn’t yet learned how to police herself. Jail looms ahead, I’m afraid!</p>
<p>Hi, all. My D is a sophomore at a big public university (UCLA). We went through all this last year, and it is much better this year. So, I want you to know they do and can get over the homesickness. After being home this summer, she told me she wanted to go “home” – meaning Los Angeles. I knew we had crossed a hurdle when she said that. Still, she calls or texts every day, sometimes many times. But there is a maturity to how she is handling things that simply wasn’t there last year. So, time does make a difference.</p>
<p>Last year was hard. It started with the swine flu. She got it shortly after school started. We are three hours away, and I drove up to get her and bring her home for awhile when she was not getting the care she needed and her roommate was panicking because she didn’t want to get it. Then she went from not partying much to a lot of partying. Luckily, she kept up her grades. She had the usual “relationship issues.” She was frustrated with her program at times. (She is in the school’s theatre program.) She didn’t know what she was going to do with her summer. </p>
<p>I can’t exactly tell you everything that changed this summer. She discovered yoga. She got a job working with kids that she loved. She likes her program now. She got a single in the dorms. I think that was a big thing. She needs her private space at the end of the day to “chill.” I guess she found the “balance” in college life. She also realized she has to be busy 24/7. She takes heavy course loads. She does lots of film projects. That is how she likes it. And she realized her “real” friends are not her h.s. friends anymore. She has maintained maybe 2-3 of those. The rest of her friends are people at UCLA now.</p>
<p>All these things made the transition happen. And now she is more independent, less tearful, less stressed. I think it is just growing up. I know it is frustrating to get those calls, but all kids do grow up if you give them the time and space to do so.</p>
<p>Thanks for the encouraging post, chrissyblu. Before D left for school, I remember commenting to a friend that I wish she had another 6 months or so to grow up. I noticed a big change from junior to senior year, and felt she was in the process of gaining the kind of maturity she’d need for colllege but wasn’t there yet. </p>
<p>That brings me to a question. How many of our struggling students have late summer, early fall birthdays, and were young for their grade? Mine does. I wonder if that is a factor?</p>
<p>At this point in their lives, myself, I wouldn’t look to birthdates to make much of a difference - it’s just maturity in general. Some 16 year olds are more mature than 18 year olds, etc. And, for me, I guess I’m not looking so much for a cause as a solution! (I know that tangible causes can guide you to the solution, but something like birthdate, birth order - not so much!)</p>
<p>Ah abasket! But that’s not necessarily true! I just finished reading Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell & he does a couple of chapters that look at how date of birth can affect adult outcomes. It was pretty interesting! My D1 is one of the youngest freshmen (september birthday. In NJ we sent her to K at 4 but here in TN, the practice is to hold them even if they make the cutoff) but she’s always been an old soul. Socially though, that year difference can make a difference among her peers, although adults always comment that she’s very mature.</p>
<p>Yes, you’re right. There’s nothing we can do now about their birth date, but I thought it would be interesting if that was a commonality among our kids.</p>
<p>I also read Outliers a while ago. Gladwell’s idea was that a child who is 9 months or so older than his peers in a class or on a sports team (due to random birthdate cut-offs for these programs) would have the appearance of greater talent and intelligence as compared to the other children, when in reality a large part of the difference in ability was merely the product of greater maturity due to his age. Consequently, the older child would be more likely to be noticed and selected for more challenge or greater opportunities than the younger ones of the group.</p>
<p>My S is a late May b-day - so on the younger side, but not a late summer b-day. So he started college 18 and 1/4. :)</p>
<p>(As someone who has worked in child development and parenting/family education for 30ish years I just sometimes sigh when I hear parents use the “youngest in the class” statement for many issues - of course, it CAN be an issue - MOSTLY though, when kids are younger - say, birth-age 8 - but yes, nothing is exclusive.) :)</p>