<p>S’ friend is having a hard time adjusting. His parents don’t want him to visit them except during breaks.
He is three hours away. So he comes to the city on weekends without his parents’ knowledge, and stays with friends.
I feel bad about the situation because I know the kid since he was in lower school. I do not know the parents very well.</p>
<p>GFG - D found study groups to be useful and a necessity to manage the heavy acamemic work-load along with balancing athletics and social life. </p>
<p>BTW, she doesn’t turn 18 until December. She is struggling to find balance, but no more than anyone else. I think being busy all the time is the norm for kids who want to manage a heavy academic work load and do athletics. It’s helpful that she is surrounded by others in the same situation.</p>
<p>S has a early fall birthday and is on the older side than his peers. I thought that was real helpful for him. Kids are different.</p>
<p>Hmm, the age thing doesn’t really hold in our family. My college freshman S is smart, but emotionally immature (gaining ground rapidly at this point, however).</p>
<p>My older D is the youngest in her class, and academically has always been near the top of her class, she picks things up lightening fast. But also emotionally immature for her age.</p>
<p>Youngest D has a Sept. birthday. She would not have been ready to start school academically at 5 going on 6. But her emotional intelligence and maturity is leagues ahead of her older siblings when they were her age.</p>
<p>Just an update… my daughter is doing a bit better though she hasnt found people to go to meals with on a day to day basis… </p>
<p>she is still lonely but she is getting herself involved in groups etc…</p>
<p>By the way, she is an Only with a late July b’day.</p>
<p>Nice to hear from you picklemom. A little bit better is better than a little bit worse!</p>
<p>The birthdate theory doesn’t hold true in our family. “Game-over D” is a February birthday, while “Dean’s-list older S” is a July birthday.</p>
<p>how is it going by you, abasket?</p>
<p>Sort of the same. No more weekend meltdowns when he is there though (from having nothing to do, no one to hang with). He still hasn’t found a “group”, but there have been occasional “someone asked me to eat lunch with them today” type stuff. </p>
<p>He is still coming home about every other weekend. This seems to have helped him get through the weeks and the weekends he is there. I do worry a bit about winter weekends since weather could be a factor, but maybe that will also keep more kids ON campus - which seems to be part of the problem, many go home.</p>
<p>He hasn’t really gotten involved in any thing extra curricular though - he has TONS of work to do (which is one of his excuses, and also true - but we are trying to tell him that college need to be a balance of both - studies, socialization, volunteering - just like it was when he was in HS and occupied every minute!!! </p>
<p>At this point, he’s signed up for 2nd semester without question from him, so I’ll take it and we will continue to see how the year goes.</p>
<p>Just wondering how those homesick kids are doing now that it’s Christmas break. D is home from NH; we are in southern Cal. First term has not gone well socially, although she loves it academically. Planning to put in some transfer apps just in case the rest of the year goes poorly. Heavy frat scene which we knew, serious binge drinking which we didn’t fully appreciate, and that’s the main “activity” on this campus in the middle of the forest. Fingers crossed it gets better, contingency plans in case it doesn’t.</p>
<p>How is everyone’s child doing?</p>
<p>My daughter is still having a rough time socially… </p>
<p>She really hasnt made any strong friends… just a bunch of acquaintances </p>
<p>Academically she did fabulous last term… but socially it has been a struggle.</p>
<p>Ok i thought i would bump this once… just in case there is anyone out there left or who is new to the thread and might want to respond.</p>
<p>and if not, i will let it die a slow thread death
:)</p>
<p>Hi Picklemom!</p>
<p>I am sure there people still struggling out there. </p>
<p>My S has shown good improvement - good, not great! I think he limped through first semester emotionally and so, so needed Christmas break to pull himself back together. He seemed to have an unusually amount of academic work first semester and that coupled with no social life and missing home just killed him. </p>
<p>He went back in January verbalizing he was going to try and turn his attitude around and make his school “work”. He recognized that his usual outgoing, happy self was just missing first semester and that he found himself being negative/sarcastic about everything. </p>
<p>This semester he has been talking more about guys on his floor that he interacts with. (I wonder too, if maybe EVERYONE came out a little more after Christmas). His classes are more managable. (He did do well in all his classes 1st semester with the exception of Cal 2 which wasn’t an “A” but just barely missed a “B” 
) Tennis is in full swing so that is pretty much his “activity” besides attending Catholic mass regularly when he is there on the weekends. His school does seem to empty out somewhat on the weekend, but he texted me last Friday night and said he was “socially interacting in the lobby playing video games!” - funny guy. He does still come home pretty much every other weekend to see GF, but if we can make it happen, we are willing especially with his improvements overall - his overall happiness factor is up. </p>
<p>He is a little nervous about coming up with a roommate for next year when that time comes (Me, I’m just THRILLED he plans on going back!) He def will not room with his current roommate again - the guy barely talks to anyone on the floor and pretty much is in the room just to sleep - I think S feels a little gipped in the roommate department.</p>
<p>He has maintained appts. with a counselor at school which he had started just before Christmas break. I think she has also helped to be an “ear” to listen and to pump him up. I am proud that he followed through with getting help, even though it is pretty low-key. I figure reaching out for help now, will be a plus later in life when he might need “help” - he will have had a good experience and not be apprehensive about looking to others for guidance.</p>
<p>Not saying he doesn’t have his moments. But he seems to get through them quicker. And for me, it is SUCH a pleasure to be talking to him on the phone and hear him get interrupted a couple times by guys walking by and stopping to bug him - music to my ears! He still eats alone sometimes in the cafeteria, but he also talks of eating with others. The dude was a little anxious when he realized that he does not get to come home spring break because the tennis team will be going to Hilton Head for spring training. SON! A FREE TRIP TO HILTON HEAD OVER SPRING BREAK AFTER THE OHIO WINTER WE HAVE HAD?! NO COMPLAINING!!! But he seems to have adjusted to that fact and I think he is curious about the trip. </p>
<p>Crossing my fingers that he can maintain and hopefully delve in a little deeper to happiness on his campus. </p>
<p>Picklemom, what do you think next year will bring for your D? A return to her school or otherwise???</p>
<p>fantastic Abasket!</p>
<p>my D is very worried about housing. She doesnt drink so we are trying to encourage her to do the substance free dorm ( she is not crazy about the drinking culture either) but she is afraid it will be only nerds… i tried to point out to her that there has to be more people like her.</p>
<p>I think she will be back, but if it doesnt get better… not sure what will happen after that.</p>
<p>She has also joined a bunch of groups and is involved but hasnt found any real friends. Some acquaintances. </p>
<p>I am also hoping that as it gets lighter out and the winter starts to wane after this month, it might get better.</p>
<p>Hopefully she will also get better classes next year that she is more interested in.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for answering! I am really glad your son has seemed to find his niche.</p>
<p>I don’t know if he has found his “niche” but he has “inched” towards a comfortableness!</p>
<p>I will also say that I don’t think he’s had a class yet that he has just “loved”. I’m still waiting for that “lightbulb” class.</p>
<p>Wow abasket, free spring training? D is training at Myrtle Beach over spring break and it certainly isn’t free. They do lots of fund raising +++ money from parents.</p>
<p>I am still having the problem of poor communication but I have learned that I am better off when I don’t insist on a phone call and just let him call when he is in the mood. He almost always responds within an hour when I text him. Grades were good first semester which was a worry to him for awhile (needs to maintain a 3.0 for merit schol). I know that he has friends–has talked about trying to get a 7-person suite next year with his friends. He and roommate have learned how to co-exist although I doubt that they will be friends after this year. He doesn’t like his floormates, big partiers, but has learned to escape by going to other floors.</p>
<p>I am still worried that he wants to transfer. He hates the pervasive drinking even though he admits that it probably won’t be any better at another school. He was really excited about spring classes but hasn’t commented on them yet. In the fall, he said that his guitar lessons were his favorite class but for some reason, he didn’t continue them this term.</p>
<p>I am looking forward to spring break because he talks more freely in the car than on the phone. At this point, he is planning to spend several days of the break at our “hunting” cabin (no one actually hunts), so the ride home might be my best chance to find out how things are going.</p>
<p>Just read this thread from start to finish for the first time. My sympathies to all who have had a rough first year at college.</p>
<p>I have a son who is a college sophomore, adjusted beautifully as I knew he would. It is my D who I am worried about… she is a high school senior and I am already concerned about her transitioning to college next year. It’s going to be very tough, so I wondered if, in addition to all the great advice I am reading here, anyone has any advice for preparing for it in advance.</p>
<p>Like many other posters’ kids, she has never been good at being away from home, even for a night. In many ways she is very mature and is very intuitive about people, but she is VERY young (she will not turn 18 until half way through her freshman year of college). She has told me several times that her greatest fear about going to college is not being able to make friends.</p>
<p>We really wanted her to do a post-grad year after high school, and I have also encouraged (and still am encouraging) a gap year, but she stubbornly refuses either option, and says she can’t wait to get out of high school and get to college. She first started looking at colleges far, far away, and then gradually the list included schools closer and closer to home (though the closest she applied to is still nearly 3 hours away). To further complicate, there is a serious BF in the picture.</p>
<p>She will participate in a fall sport, so that will surely ease the transition. She is a great teammate and has been captain of several sports, and she is always happy when around her teammates, but she says that in general she doesn’t like a lot of catty behavior she sees in girls (so she would be adverse to joining a sorority, for example). </p>
<p>So I am still anticipating a lot of tears and angst, just judging on past behavior. She puts a lot of pressure on herself academically. She gets exhausted easily when not sleeping or eating correctly. She has begged us to rescue her from other situations where she is unhappy initially (sometimes we have, most times we have made her stick it out). We have even talked openly about how poorly she adjusts to new situations; she is aware of it, and both spouse and I have wondered - aloud - if she is really ready for college given these past indications, but she insists she is and gets angry at us for saying it. She is not very open with her emotions in general, and she plays one parent against the other (or tries to) when she is in a situation that upsets her. (Dad wanted to go pick her up from overnight camp immediately after receiving the first tear-stained letter; mom insisted she stick it out). She opens up the most when she is texting; and seems to love her parents the most via text…!</p>
<p>She will have the option to be in a single at a couple of the colleges on the list. She says she really, really wants a single because she needs her own space and it’s true that she desperately needs sleep in order to function (and play her sport). But then I worry about the ability to connect with others if she doesn’t have a roommate.</p>
<p>Any thoughts on pre-empting the transition to some extent? I thought all the angst and stress was all over now that applications are in, but I realize there is much more to come!</p>
<p>Well, “FREE TRIP” means that the team worked all the home football games in the fall to offset costs - and I’m sure we will have to give him spending $$$. :)</p>
<p>Mannix, does she have the opportunity to do an overnight at the college - which, you can sometimes stretch into a day of classes, a sports practice and an overnight. </p>
<p>I think my S didn’t really think “through” the whole going away to college - in terms of the everyday life part of it. He thought about the classes, the homework, but not the “living” part. He was also too busy senior year to have many of those thoughts. You know, the “living for today” mentality.</p>
<p>Has she picked a school yet? How far from home? Feasible to come home for more than breaks? Will there be friends from home going to the same school? That sometimes eases the transition.</p>
<p>hi abasket - she has done 1 overnight, and is doing another one this month (sans parents) - at 2 other colleges she made me come and stay in a hotel with her because she did not WANT to stay in the dorm, but she did participate in the team activities, ate in the cafe, etc. </p>
<p>She has no favorite school, which is part of the problem (she wouldn’t apply ED anywhere, wanted to have her options open, but she never had that “aha! this is the place for me” moment). </p>
<p>One of the top schools on her list is the only one that is absolutely an airplane ride away. The next two near the top are both 6+ hours by car. She is choosing (and will be admitted) by academics first; she loves her sports, but they are secondary as far as prioritizing. I have told her, because she has vocalized her concern, that we will work it out as far as making sure she can come home on occasion, even from the plane ride school (it’s a quick trip to the both the school and home airports, and there are direct flights). I just wanted to assure her that we aren’t dropping her off and leaving her there until Christmas. Also, because of her sports, mom and dad will likely be making a few trips to the college in the fall to watch her team play.</p>
<p>There will be no friends from home at any of the colleges. In fact, she would not even apply to a couple on the initial list because too many kids from her high school were applying/going there. </p>
<p>She swears that distance from the BF’s school is not even on the list of pros/cons, but I’m not sure I believe her… she is definitely worried, though, about whether the relationship will (and should) survive.</p>
<p>All I can say is that you can “try” to prepare your kids, but truly in the end there is only so much preparing. You can’t no matter how you try, make them like a place, make them adjust, make them socialize, etc. That is really in their hands.</p>
<p>So you can promise those things? The more than break trips home? Traveling out to her? </p>
<p>If I were you, I would insist on her putting another school or two into the pot that are closer to home - you still have a few months until final decision. Better to have more to work with - think of it sort of as a “safety” - safety as in , safely close to home. For some kids, that WILL be important. </p>
<p>You are sensitive to her feelings now and questionning the situation yourself already. Though we live through it, I will say personally it has been VERY painful for my husband and I to experience this with our smart, other wise hugely well adjusted son. Each phone call/text had me worried about what new challenge we would have for the day. I hope ours ends up a “happy ending”, but it has been very hard from August to now. </p>
<p>You know your D better than anyone. Sometimes, better than herself! Take her cues and give yourself options. Who knows, maybe she will blend into her new life easily?!</p>